Ranking Taco Bell

It all started as an off handed comment.

"I want some fucking Taco Bell."

I had just had my wisdom teeth extracted and was on lots of pain killers and a local anesthetic.

I had to settle for Skyline Chili that night but a few days later when I returned to Los Angeles, I found a card in my bag.

"You can have some Taco Bell now. Love, Mom"

Out falls a $25 gift card to the land of the fourth meal.

Now I would love to tell you that I rationed that gift card...but one particularly hungover Sunday I used the whole thing.

At 9 o clock in the morning I spent $7 on a number 80 (3 soft tacos, large Pepsi) a chipotle chicken loaded griller and a mini shredded chicken quesadilla.

Around 1pm I realized I had criminally under ordered and returned to the scene of the crime and spent $18 more on...
-2x Doritos Locos Taco - Nacho
-2x Doritos Locos Taco - Cool Ranch
-2x Doritos Locos Taco - Fire
Crispy Beefy Fritos Burrito
Crunch Wrap Supreme
Mystery Airhead Freezee
Chicken Quesadilla
Chipotle Chicken Loaded Griller
Shredded Chicken Quesadilla

At around midnight I finished my feast. I slept until 4pm the next day.

Cut to: 3 weeks ago.

My mom visits Los Angeles to help my brother move here. As part of my reward for helping out she gives me ANOTHER Taco Bell gift card. This time for fifty (50!!!!!) dollars.

Realizing the error of my ways, I decided to stretch this gift card out. I also decided to sample the whole menu for science or some shit. I have not finished off my gift card experiment and am ready to report my findings.

Note, drinks and special limited items will not be included because fuck you this was a tedious process.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Taco Bell Menu; ranked:
 
56. Chips and Cheese
55. Chips and Pico
54. Chips and Guac
53. Cheesy potato burrito
52. Black Bean burrito
51. Bean Burrito
50. Breakfast Quesalupa
49. Biscuit Taco
48. Cheesy Roll up
47. Meximelt
46. Combo Burrito
45. Potato Griller
44. Fiesta Taco Salad
43. 5 Layer Burrito
42. 7 Layer Burrito
41. Beefy Fritos Burrito
40. Cantina Power Burrito
39. Beefy Nachos Burrito
38. Mexican Pizza
37. Nachos Bellgrande
36. Cheese Quesadilla
35. Fiesta Taco Salad
34. Cantina Power Bowl
33. Chicken soft taco
32. Hard Taco
31. Soft Taco
30. Grande Scrambler
29. Grilled Breakfast Burrito
28. Chalupa Supreme
27. AM crunchwrap
26. Shredded Chicken Burrito
25. Bag of Doritos
24. Taco Supreme
23. Doritos Cheesy Gordita Crunch
22. Quesalupa
21. Quesarito
20. Cheesy Gordita Crunch
19. Soft Taco Supreme
18. Grilled Steak Soft Taco
17. Smothered Burrito
16. Grilled Stuft Burrito
15. Hash Brown
14. Those cinnamon thingies
13. Mini quesadilla - beef
12. mini quesadilla - chicken
11. triple layer nachos
10. Spicy Tostada
9. Caramel Apple Embanada
8. Gordita Supreme
7. Double Decker Taco
6. Doritos Locos Taco - Cool Ranch
5. Doritos Locos Taco - Fiery
4 (tie) Breakfast Crunchwrap
4 (tie) Chicken Quesadilla





Some preliminary thoughts before we get to the podium finishers. Taco Bell has some truly abhorrent chips. It's quite understandable why they aren't marketed. Any proper Tex Mex restaurant should have incredible chips and salsa. Taco Bell's taste like they have been under couch cushions for 7 to 8 years. Taco Bell's Burritos are hit or miss, as a carnivore I ranked the veggie options lower.  Also Taco Bell Breakfast is low key excellent and you should try it out.

3. Chipotle Chicken Griller

Not only is the Chipotle Chicken Griller delicious, it is also $1 between 3 and 5pm. For the unitiated, grillers are like mini burritos without all the bullshit like rice and Vegetables. To be specific the chipotle chicken grilled consists of tortilla, chicken, cheese and 7-8 packets of fire sauce. It tastes like heaven. Were I to commit a heinous crime and be sentenced to death I may inquire as to whether in addition to my filet and baked potato the guard can squeeze in something from the dollar menu.

2. Doritos Locos Taco - Nacho Cheese

I remember when Princess Diana died. I remember when the towers fell and I remember the day that the Doritos Locos Tacos came into my life. I was nursing a hangover after an evening of Vegas Bombs at the Broad Ripple Brothers. I remember going to Steak n Shake first to get a milkshake to drink while I waited in the drive thru line at Taco Bell. This was the best decision I ever made in my life. When I got home with 9 Doritos Locos Tacos, I quickly determined that Nacho Cheese CLEARLY separated itself from the pack. Since the day I have consumed an average of 4 a week for the past 5 years or so.

1. Crunch Wrap Supreme 

Was it ever even a real question? 

Going to Taco Bell without ordering a crunch wrap supreme is like going to Coachella without taking drugs. I'm sure it's fine...but really what's the point? The recent triple stuffed crunch wrap promotion has reinvigorated my love for a true timeless classic. I've enjoyed one 10 of the last 14 days.
During this streak I have probably gone through 80-90 bags of fire sauce and I will likely no longer have a colon by the time I reach 50, but as I lie on my death bed from colon cancer, severe diabetes and a cholesterol of something like 500, I hope my doctor asks if it was worth it.

You're god dam right it was.