I have become so disgusted with the hipocrisy and the self-absorbed nature of these ignorant and narrowminded egocentric Americans that I have decided to selflessly take upon myself an act of moral cleansing by burning all of my possessions and going into the wilderness to find meaning in life...
Fuck that. I represent literally everything that is wrong with America. Not only do I spend money that I don't have to keep up my socialite status, the only 2 things I ever consider when making a decision is the direct impact it will have on me and the perception others have of me...and I am largely devoid of emotion.
That said, I am going north of the border today to some mythical location called the Wisconsin Dells. While I am going to stay in a luxurious cabin on a cul de sac near a resort, I like to think that it is adventurous. I've always wanted to take a shotgun and a case of beer out into the woods and just start shooting shit, but I think that I will treat this trip as if I were going to a lake house...except there is snow on the ground, and no lake...and no boat. I am mandating that the girls still remain in swimsuits the entire time.
Lake house weekends are always legendary as the highlight is usually getting outrageously drunk with people you have been friends with for 10 years+ playing very intense card games, violent tubing battles and usually some accidental/intentional nudity of some sort, but I digress...
The Wisconsin Dells must be the tackiest place on Earth...In the middle of nowhere some idiot had the great idea to put a wax museum, a haunted house and a big ass indoor water park. Along with strip clubs and casinos this place is just begging for a group of bored twenty somethings to come burn it to the ground, and I will be happy to oblige. On the 3 hour car ride up I am going to be live-tweeting the effects on "Purple drank" (cough syrup, vodka, grape soda, xanax) on my pals...I shall obstain, because I don't want to pull a Brittany Murphy...I'd much rather pull a Janis Joplin...some day there will be consequences for the decisions that I'm making now...but fuck it they'll probably have cures for everything and free liver replacements in like 2 or 3 years anyway...replace every 30,000 blackouts.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Spring Break 2010
It sounds ridiculous right? I graduated college less than a year ago...it's over no more Spring Breaks. That couldn't be more false! If I had knocked up my high school sweetheart back in '04 and was now taking my family to Disney World for a week in March no one would frown on that (except for the unprotected sex at 17, the high school pregnancy, the fact that ruined that poor girls life and made her live at home with her mom raising your child while you went to college and joined a frat.) But, who says you need an unfortunate excuse to take a week off from the real world and go to the beach and rage. Not me.
The concept of Spring Break was probably invented by some thirty year old Bro who hated his job, the Chicago weather and thought if he took his wife and kid to Florida for a week they would get off his case for a few months. What a hero, he basically imposed his will on society making it mandatory for every school to take an arbitrary week off just before it gets nice in the midwest, and made society accept high school and college kids storming quiet beach towns in the south and destroying them upon arrival.
His legacy is not lost on me, I intend to honor him by doing exactly that. Ok, by this point I would hope I have you sold on the early 20's March vacation. Now if it tragically happens to coincide with college spring break would you immediately villianize me? I should hope not! I'll take it a step further, much like a trip down to the homeland I may just crash on a buddy's couch, I mean, hotel room floor. If you're going to do something you might as well do it right.
I never took a domestic Spring Break when I was of age. Mainly because I enjoy spending my parents money like it's water and I love shoving my exotic travels down the throats of those less fortunate than I.
*Sidebar: There are a lot of categories of people that I can't stand. But I think right at the top of my list is people that go on Spring Break. I understand if you are in 4th grade and daddy got some of his overtime shifts pulled and he has to take you to King's Island for a day instead of taking you to a coast or a mountain for a week...but those high school and college morons who just go home and "relax" or "save money" make me want to vomit. I mean COME ON...either you don't have friends or you don't have a soul. A proper Spring Break can be done for $300. (Although its much more fun when you spend $2000) End sidebar.
I always wondered what it would be like to rage in Key West or Daytona as a 21 year old. Obviously throughout high school and early college I knocked out the mainstays of Siesta Key, Panama City, Ft. Meyers, Miami, to name a few. But I really wonder how badass it is going to be to rip it for a week with my college buddies and 2,000 chicks who are impressed by any dude that buys them more than 1 vodka red bull.
Creepy, eh, a little. Peter Pan Syndrome at its worst? Probably. Is it going to be a legendary trip for the ages? Oh ya. Maybe I'll fly, maybe I'll roadtrip, (sometimes these car rides make great memories.) Regardless of what I end up doing, I hope I have inspired you to do the same.
The concept of Spring Break was probably invented by some thirty year old Bro who hated his job, the Chicago weather and thought if he took his wife and kid to Florida for a week they would get off his case for a few months. What a hero, he basically imposed his will on society making it mandatory for every school to take an arbitrary week off just before it gets nice in the midwest, and made society accept high school and college kids storming quiet beach towns in the south and destroying them upon arrival.
His legacy is not lost on me, I intend to honor him by doing exactly that. Ok, by this point I would hope I have you sold on the early 20's March vacation. Now if it tragically happens to coincide with college spring break would you immediately villianize me? I should hope not! I'll take it a step further, much like a trip down to the homeland I may just crash on a buddy's couch, I mean, hotel room floor. If you're going to do something you might as well do it right.
I never took a domestic Spring Break when I was of age. Mainly because I enjoy spending my parents money like it's water and I love shoving my exotic travels down the throats of those less fortunate than I.
*Sidebar: There are a lot of categories of people that I can't stand. But I think right at the top of my list is people that go on Spring Break. I understand if you are in 4th grade and daddy got some of his overtime shifts pulled and he has to take you to King's Island for a day instead of taking you to a coast or a mountain for a week...but those high school and college morons who just go home and "relax" or "save money" make me want to vomit. I mean COME ON...either you don't have friends or you don't have a soul. A proper Spring Break can be done for $300. (Although its much more fun when you spend $2000) End sidebar.
I always wondered what it would be like to rage in Key West or Daytona as a 21 year old. Obviously throughout high school and early college I knocked out the mainstays of Siesta Key, Panama City, Ft. Meyers, Miami, to name a few. But I really wonder how badass it is going to be to rip it for a week with my college buddies and 2,000 chicks who are impressed by any dude that buys them more than 1 vodka red bull.
Creepy, eh, a little. Peter Pan Syndrome at its worst? Probably. Is it going to be a legendary trip for the ages? Oh ya. Maybe I'll fly, maybe I'll roadtrip, (sometimes these car rides make great memories.) Regardless of what I end up doing, I hope I have inspired you to do the same.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Let's do dinner and drinks
Such a popular text, tweet or facebook status update: The infamous dinner and drinks. Now while I usually have no problem with a same-sex rendevous at an establishment that boasts both delicious entrees and heavily garnished cocktails, the phrase dinner and drinks drives me to insanity.
I don't know if people offer these arbitrary encounters out of an obligatory sense of losing touch or they want people to think that they are sophisticated because "going for dinner and drinks" is such a mature thing to do. I mean why not catch a revival of "South Pacific" at a community theatre while you're at it. I suppose this dinner and drinks idea just stands against anything I could ever be in favor of. It implies polite conversation at a trendy spot, ordering an expensive meal, becoming lightly buzzed and then awkwardly fumbling over the check when your waitress assumes you are a gay couple out for a night on the town and fails to split it. (An assumption that would have never been made in the 1950's) So there you are with someone who you aren't great friends with enduring an awkward stand-off for who will pick up the bill. You cave, of course, and now you are $100 lighter in the pocket, sober and you don't even get to take your date home and relieve some aggression.
Perhaps I am being a bit cynical, but I view the entire concept of "let's grab dinner and drinks" as laughable. Look how adult we are, but we are also fun because we can go out and casually drink...on a work night whooooooaaaaa.
I am not however opposed to going out to eat and getting serious on the consumption...listen to how I tell pretty much the exact same scenario but with a different attitude, I go from sounding like a prissy C-muscle to a straight up bro.
"Hey you want to go to Uncle Julio's and see how long it takes for us to get kicked out?" I am still implying that I would like to go on a man-date to a food establishment, but instead of trying to convince people I'm so adult by using the catchphrase "dinner and drinks" I basically asked if my partner in crime would like to accompany on a bit of midweek binge drinking at an establishment that just so happens to serve tacos.
So next time one of you is considering asking me whether or not I would like to accompany you to get something to eat, just ask with a little bit of integrity and I will be more than happy to oblige you.
I don't know if people offer these arbitrary encounters out of an obligatory sense of losing touch or they want people to think that they are sophisticated because "going for dinner and drinks" is such a mature thing to do. I mean why not catch a revival of "South Pacific" at a community theatre while you're at it. I suppose this dinner and drinks idea just stands against anything I could ever be in favor of. It implies polite conversation at a trendy spot, ordering an expensive meal, becoming lightly buzzed and then awkwardly fumbling over the check when your waitress assumes you are a gay couple out for a night on the town and fails to split it. (An assumption that would have never been made in the 1950's) So there you are with someone who you aren't great friends with enduring an awkward stand-off for who will pick up the bill. You cave, of course, and now you are $100 lighter in the pocket, sober and you don't even get to take your date home and relieve some aggression.
Perhaps I am being a bit cynical, but I view the entire concept of "let's grab dinner and drinks" as laughable. Look how adult we are, but we are also fun because we can go out and casually drink...on a work night whooooooaaaaa.
I am not however opposed to going out to eat and getting serious on the consumption...listen to how I tell pretty much the exact same scenario but with a different attitude, I go from sounding like a prissy C-muscle to a straight up bro.
"Hey you want to go to Uncle Julio's and see how long it takes for us to get kicked out?" I am still implying that I would like to go on a man-date to a food establishment, but instead of trying to convince people I'm so adult by using the catchphrase "dinner and drinks" I basically asked if my partner in crime would like to accompany on a bit of midweek binge drinking at an establishment that just so happens to serve tacos.
So next time one of you is considering asking me whether or not I would like to accompany you to get something to eat, just ask with a little bit of integrity and I will be more than happy to oblige you.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Vegas
No not going to be a long-winded post about how awesome Vegas is, especially on your birthday. I just wanted to tell everyone how awesome I am in the form of some good prose.
Upon returning from the Bahamas I did what any single guy in his mid 20's would do, I never unpacked it. In my drunken stupor this morning, I realized I had not packed, fortunately I am a lazy frat guy, and my Bahamas gear was packed and ready to go.
I figure it will be approximately the same weather, and if its above 45 you better fucking believe I'm wearing shorts and flops. Hopefully I shall return with some good war stories. Until then my friends.
Upon returning from the Bahamas I did what any single guy in his mid 20's would do, I never unpacked it. In my drunken stupor this morning, I realized I had not packed, fortunately I am a lazy frat guy, and my Bahamas gear was packed and ready to go.
I figure it will be approximately the same weather, and if its above 45 you better fucking believe I'm wearing shorts and flops. Hopefully I shall return with some good war stories. Until then my friends.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
What would you do with $100,000
This is a question my boss asked my team members yesterday during out weekly meeting.
I suppose its a reasonable enough question. The reason people work is to make a living, and the point of his question is that he thinks we should all be making that much money in our third year. So the responses began:
Uh, I would buy a ferrari. Typical gdi response, go blow your whole load on some quick car that you won't know how to drive, afford the insurance for, or be able t fix when you crash into a lighpost doing burnouts in a parking lot with your one friend.
Next, I would put a down payment on a house...responsible, but GAY. Why would you ever want to own a house in the suburbs when yu are in your mid 20's? Is that what the American Dream has come to? Moving away from all your friends in the city, in with some chick who is going to make you miserable? Didn't this clown see Revolutioanry Road? That ended really well!
Pay off my student loans. OK, I know it sucks you weren't priviledged enough to have your parents pay for college...I've heard this sob story a thousand times, but for the perfect of this exercise would you pretend to not be an attention craving whore and just use some imagination. I do not feel sorry for you, and I will never apologize for the fortunate hand which I was dealt.
Go on a really nice vacation and invest the rest, don't even get me started. Put it in a college fund for my daughter...well at your daughter won't end up like the aforementioned Betsy Bluecollar who is in 6 figures of debt, but still a pathetic answer.
These pathetic, responsible, unimaginative responses continued until it was my turn to respond...I took a moment and surveyed the room and then said this:
Honestly, if I was handed $100,000 I would quit my job and stop working all together for the next 2 years. I would blow money on travel, alcohol, and other vices. I would sleep until about noon every day and go out every night, I would be constantly drinking. I would go on every road trip that was ever suggested. I would still buy Smirnoff instead of Grey Goose and still order off the McDonalds dollar menu. I would also buy a lottery ticket every day hoping that I would win so I could prolong this lifestyle. I would probably go somewhere new every weekend and rage. I would hire someone to do my laundry once a week. I feel like spending an average of a little more than $4000 a month I could sustain this lifestyle for a good 2 years. AT the end I would be broke and have nothing to show for my 2 year bender...but maybe, just maybe, I will have found some purpose in my life or found the will to grow up. Maybe in this time I will develop a passion or find someone that I truly care about...but if I had 100 grand RIGHT NOW...that's what I would do.
After a long silence my boss simply said..."Well that's one way to do it."
I suppose its a reasonable enough question. The reason people work is to make a living, and the point of his question is that he thinks we should all be making that much money in our third year. So the responses began:
Uh, I would buy a ferrari. Typical gdi response, go blow your whole load on some quick car that you won't know how to drive, afford the insurance for, or be able t fix when you crash into a lighpost doing burnouts in a parking lot with your one friend.
Next, I would put a down payment on a house...responsible, but GAY. Why would you ever want to own a house in the suburbs when yu are in your mid 20's? Is that what the American Dream has come to? Moving away from all your friends in the city, in with some chick who is going to make you miserable? Didn't this clown see Revolutioanry Road? That ended really well!
Pay off my student loans. OK, I know it sucks you weren't priviledged enough to have your parents pay for college...I've heard this sob story a thousand times, but for the perfect of this exercise would you pretend to not be an attention craving whore and just use some imagination. I do not feel sorry for you, and I will never apologize for the fortunate hand which I was dealt.
Go on a really nice vacation and invest the rest, don't even get me started. Put it in a college fund for my daughter...well at your daughter won't end up like the aforementioned Betsy Bluecollar who is in 6 figures of debt, but still a pathetic answer.
These pathetic, responsible, unimaginative responses continued until it was my turn to respond...I took a moment and surveyed the room and then said this:
Honestly, if I was handed $100,000 I would quit my job and stop working all together for the next 2 years. I would blow money on travel, alcohol, and other vices. I would sleep until about noon every day and go out every night, I would be constantly drinking. I would go on every road trip that was ever suggested. I would still buy Smirnoff instead of Grey Goose and still order off the McDonalds dollar menu. I would also buy a lottery ticket every day hoping that I would win so I could prolong this lifestyle. I would probably go somewhere new every weekend and rage. I would hire someone to do my laundry once a week. I feel like spending an average of a little more than $4000 a month I could sustain this lifestyle for a good 2 years. AT the end I would be broke and have nothing to show for my 2 year bender...but maybe, just maybe, I will have found some purpose in my life or found the will to grow up. Maybe in this time I will develop a passion or find someone that I truly care about...but if I had 100 grand RIGHT NOW...that's what I would do.
After a long silence my boss simply said..."Well that's one way to do it."
Monday, January 25, 2010
A new study shows...
...that every post grad visit to your alma mater decreases your life expectancy by a year. I mean it is one thing to go back for a tailgate or even a basketball game. However, blacking out within your first hour of drinking and having a staff member at a bar dedicated to following you around making sure you do a limited ammount of damage to yourself and/or others...well that is why my friends have started calling me the Toys R Us kid.
But why not? In this world where everyone is trying to fast forward through their life, i'm hitting the pause on my Tivo. Maybe I'm immature and my charming irresponsibility is starting to turn pathetic. I'm having a hell of a time doing it though, all you have to do is make it through the day...and if my antics bring a smile to someone's face or make someone feel a little alive again, then I'm not pathetic, I am a superhero. Really I am, my superpower is awesomeness. Superman can fly, Spiderman can shoot gizz out of his wrists, I can keep the dream alive one day at a time.
However, going back to the first line of this post, if that bullshit stat I made up has any truth to it, I've already shaved off a half decade in the past 6 months. I probably won't live forver, but the shit that I've knocked out in 22 years? Wouldn't change it for the world.
But why not? In this world where everyone is trying to fast forward through their life, i'm hitting the pause on my Tivo. Maybe I'm immature and my charming irresponsibility is starting to turn pathetic. I'm having a hell of a time doing it though, all you have to do is make it through the day...and if my antics bring a smile to someone's face or make someone feel a little alive again, then I'm not pathetic, I am a superhero. Really I am, my superpower is awesomeness. Superman can fly, Spiderman can shoot gizz out of his wrists, I can keep the dream alive one day at a time.
However, going back to the first line of this post, if that bullshit stat I made up has any truth to it, I've already shaved off a half decade in the past 6 months. I probably won't live forver, but the shit that I've knocked out in 22 years? Wouldn't change it for the world.
Friday, January 22, 2010
I want to be a problem drinker when I grow up
I used to have these books when I was growing up that had a hole in the middle. It was one of my toddler pictures. The hole then created the illusion that I was the star of the book. The series was about what you want to do when you grow up. When I'm a major League Baseball Player... would show have a face cut-out of a person hitting a homerun...but with my picture it became me! They had fireman, athlete, cowboy, knight, you know all the shit that a 5 year old wants to be when they grow up.
What they didn't have was: When I'm heartless self-centered alcoholic. I think this would be a solid addition to the series, you could give this to underpriveledged children as a warning of what's to come. Can't you just picture it. There's a picture of a clearly drunken bafoon, cigs in one hand, his equally blacked out prize trophy for the night occupies his other. He is clearly unshowered, but is wearing at least a $200 wardrobe...and right in the middle of that beautiful facial cut-out is my smiling face circa age 5. You could have a whole series of these: When I'm in credit card debt, When I discover amphetamines, When I have a raging failure to launch and want to live with my friends in a mini frathouse forever and go back to the place that I went to college every other weekend...ok maybe that last one I'll save for the name of my autobiography. Moving on.
The point of these books was to inspire little kids to crave the real world. Growing up you are always told to be excited for the "next step." Next year I start first grade! Next time I go to King's Island I'll be tall enough to ride The Beast! My first pube! Middle School! High School! Sex! College! I was looking forward to all of these things long before they happened. But for the first time in my life, I'm not excited to be here. I don't want to be a cop or a firefighter or a ninja. I want to watch movies and get fucked up. I don't go out to the bar to make social connections or find a girl to bring home. I go because there are a bunch of like minded people there with the right attitude...the real world sucks, but as long as we are at this bar; nothing else matters.
Maybe I have a bill due...so what. Girlfriend dumped you? Who cares. Alcohol is like a stay of execution. You can use it to temporarily push your problems out of your head. If only I would have known about this little loophole when I was worried about a bad report card or had to get a detention slip signed by dad. I realize that eventually all of my friends are going to grow up, get married and I will end up just like Jason Segal from I Love You, Man. But until then I'm going to keep giving myself that temporary stay of life, and live in the moment. Some may say Seize the day....I say procrastinate the party.
What they didn't have was: When I'm heartless self-centered alcoholic. I think this would be a solid addition to the series, you could give this to underpriveledged children as a warning of what's to come. Can't you just picture it. There's a picture of a clearly drunken bafoon, cigs in one hand, his equally blacked out prize trophy for the night occupies his other. He is clearly unshowered, but is wearing at least a $200 wardrobe...and right in the middle of that beautiful facial cut-out is my smiling face circa age 5. You could have a whole series of these: When I'm in credit card debt, When I discover amphetamines, When I have a raging failure to launch and want to live with my friends in a mini frathouse forever and go back to the place that I went to college every other weekend...ok maybe that last one I'll save for the name of my autobiography. Moving on.
The point of these books was to inspire little kids to crave the real world. Growing up you are always told to be excited for the "next step." Next year I start first grade! Next time I go to King's Island I'll be tall enough to ride The Beast! My first pube! Middle School! High School! Sex! College! I was looking forward to all of these things long before they happened. But for the first time in my life, I'm not excited to be here. I don't want to be a cop or a firefighter or a ninja. I want to watch movies and get fucked up. I don't go out to the bar to make social connections or find a girl to bring home. I go because there are a bunch of like minded people there with the right attitude...the real world sucks, but as long as we are at this bar; nothing else matters.
Maybe I have a bill due...so what. Girlfriend dumped you? Who cares. Alcohol is like a stay of execution. You can use it to temporarily push your problems out of your head. If only I would have known about this little loophole when I was worried about a bad report card or had to get a detention slip signed by dad. I realize that eventually all of my friends are going to grow up, get married and I will end up just like Jason Segal from I Love You, Man. But until then I'm going to keep giving myself that temporary stay of life, and live in the moment. Some may say Seize the day....I say procrastinate the party.
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