Congrats drunks

Quick unrelated opening rant. The person that sits next to me looks like a bridge troll. Like the fucking creature that lives under a bridge and makes you correctly answer three riddles before crossing. It gets worse... she is Jewish and demands that everyone know it, like seriously I don't give a fuck what anyone's religion is just don't talk about it to me or I will tell you that you are wrong and I am right (Protestants FTW.) She also has a daughter that resembles miss piggy. In between hearing about bah mitzvahs and her daughter getting sick and having head lice I just can't fucking handle it. First of all, I don't care about ANYONE's kids. At this point in my life I look at them as all my party money and time out the window. I really don't understand why people tell ugly babies that they are cute, just give a more practical ugly duckling underhanded compliment, it will be more believable. Anyway...Mulgarath (that's a spiderwick chronicles reference, huge freddie highmore fan) went on weight watchers and has been asking everyone if we can tell how much weight she has lost. While she has lost weight that was never the problem she needs to have human DNA spliced into her genome to replace that of the troll's and then we might make some serious progress. Long story short, you can be ugly, you can be obnoxious, but if you are both I will destroy you behind your back to 1000 people I went to college with. (This story will probably be removed after today to ensure that I am not responsible for a suicide or a defamation lawsuit.
/end rant

Happy opening day you drunks! Your below average baseball team opens up the season in about an hour. While they will be horrible and the games will fail to be thrilling, there is now an excuse to get fucked up, skip work and go to Wrigleyville. Note the order, get drunk then decide if you want to skip work...rarely will you get a solid buzz and decide to go improve your company's bottom line. To be honest, I hate the Cubs I am a Cardinals fan, but I really really love everything that the Cubs stand for. Being that I am a shallow, hedonistic, lazy fuck with some semblance of family money I love the Wrigley experience. In contrast the White Sox are a much more exciting baseball team but I despise the poor, scrappy, "it's all about the game" mentality. Fuck that, it's about how drunk you can get in the bleachers in center field and how many girls you can convince to let you suck on their tits. Take a wild guess who pulled that one off.

Wrigley Field is such a steaming pile of shit, but they distract you by surrounding it with 1000 bars and playing during the day. This way you can focus on the gorgeous Cubs fans walking around. Let's be honest your prototypical Sox fan is ugly and probably has a last name ending in a vowell or the letter "Z." Your prototypical Cubs fan is probably a 34 C and is using dad's corporate tickets because she isn't required to work. She will watch all of 3 pitches but has so much cubs gear its ridiculous, especially the tshirt about a half size too small that makes her boobs look great. Serious question, when a girl from the 847 turns 18 is she issued one of those from the state? Every girl has one, they all wear them to games and I'm 100% ok with it. The chicks even drink beer at Cubs games which is kinda hot, so long as they skip their next 3 meals to make up for it.

I'm really unsure which Wrigleyville bar does it the best for me. If it's a Wednesday night game, Cubby Bear for sure for live band Karaoke. Saturday after a day game, Casey Moran's. Not going to a game but want to get anihilated in the awesome atmosphere anyway? Sports Corner Seconds Floor. I've said before, many people look forward to sleeping in on the weekends, running casual errands, perhaps accomplishing a honey-do list...I wake up earlier than I do for work to get a head start on drinking. Then it's off to Sluggers for some early morning Batting Practice, then to the 7 11 to sneak in a fifth of vodka to Wrigley, then to Stretch after the game because they have the drunkest chicks and the easiest bathrooms to hook up in. (There is a single in the back that locks) Every day is a marathon, every day is a barcrawl. The great Lee Elia once said regarding Wrigley "Eighty-five percent of the fuckin' world is working. The other fifteen percent come out here. A fuckin' playground for the cocksuckers."

Well Lee if that is your definition of a cocksucker it looks like I am gay as AIDS.

In my projects: Lincoln Park

I started posting these links to twitter a while back so people didn't have to check the site every day and be disappointed to not see something new. Today I said whatever, my relatives on Facebook probably won't read it, and if they do they'll just get their minds blown so why not. 500 fucking views between 2-4. Either I am really fuckign good, or you guys all hate your jobs as much as I do. Anyway that said, all of you deserve more. You don't deserve one or two diatribes a week about drinking and masked metaphors that target one or two people. You need me to bring that hot shit constantly. Now that my boss has announced he is peacing and is in effect a lame duck, and the only thing on TV is the Spring Premier of Secret Life of the American Teen, I have a shit ton of time to focus on this pathetic little blog.

Last night I introduced after hours, which will surely get me in trouble some day when I come home and talk shit about whoever denied me that night. Today I'm introducing "In my projects" I will go through every neighborhood stereotyping the people that live there, their background, how they want to be perceived, I might even create a character (that will not be based on anyone I actually know...maybe) I focus a lot of time on this blog talking about me (the single dude) it's time to give Chicago the limelight. Without further ado, let's have a crack at these crazy white kids from the north shore who get 5 bedroom condos on Clark...

Bro, last night at Beaumont I was grinding that little DePaul student so hard I almost blew a load. Good thing I didn't because then I took her back to our obnoxiously awesome apartment that our parents pay rent for and waxed for like 3 hours.
"That's awesome man. Where was she this morning, did you drive her home, give her money for a cab?"
No way man when I woke up I realized she wasn't worth me A. Getting out of bed to drive her B. Me handing her a 20, so I handed her 9 quarters and told her to take the bus! AWESOME *high fives*

Welcome to Lincoln Park. A curious mixture of college students, yuppies and families. Full of bars, restaraunts and quaint shopping boutiques. It's really the best a midwest girl can do if she wants to live a Carrie Bradshaw lifestyle. Full of wealth most of it's residents are from wealthy upper-middleclass families somewhere in the midwest. Either you are from a near north or west suburb and you needed to get out of your parents house, or you grew up in Indiana, went to IU and needed to get THE FUCK out of Indianapolis. Most of these kids run around town spending money like they are CEO's taking girls to Alinea on a first date not realizing that lots of families eat boxed pasta and rice 4 nights a week.

I'm going to spend every fucking day at North Avenue Beach this summer, I'll probably be on at least 2 softball teams and a volleyball squad. I'll be the foursquare mayor of Zella so fucking fast they will be paying me to go there. This summer is going to kick ass man. I will probably go out 6 nights a week and never even leave Lincoln Park. Tuesday Joes, Wednesday Kincades, Thursday Mcgee's I can pick up a new girl every night and then it's the weekend and I can go nuts. I can drink until 2 in the morning throw on a suit take an axe shower and stumble to the el in the morning. Although I butter it up for chicks and my parents' friends I'm really just a sales assistant at a financial services firm, but my office is at 101 S Wacker so who gives a shit?

Lincoln Park is bordered by the poor hipsters to the west, the gays and Wrigley crowd to the north, the lake to the East and the "pretending they are too cool to live in Lincoln Park" to the south. BYOB is totally a chic thing to do with a group of girls (OMG sushi and wine pregame at Ringo!) and there have to be at least 100 bars on Lincoln in between Armitage and Wrightwood, then there is the whole lost section of LP up on Clark that no one really even knows about. Needless to say, people in this neighborhood get extremely out of hand on almost a nightly basis, if you want to find it you can. This is totally the top 40 B96 crowd. I would venture to guess about 90% white, and 90% of them are wearing an outfit valued at over $200 right now. Most of them run around proudly sporting their 847 area codes that they will never change (although the only thing cooler than 847 is 312) that way when they meet a girl at a bar and give them their number they might as well give them a business card that says "my dad is a lawyer, doctor AND owns a dealership. There is nothing wrong with being a spoiled brat though, Lincoln Park has outstanding parks, good areas to run, go dime spotting, walk a dog, bust out some rollerblades or ride a bike. The people are generally a good time and there is always something going on. There is a reason anyone who can afford it moves here after college.

I just watched Ferris Bueller's Day Off at movies in the park. Pretty accurate portrayal of Chicago. I mean they NAILED New Trier, when we didn't feel like going to class we used to steal your dad's ferarri and go to Cubs games too! What are we doing tonight, live band Karaoke at Stanley's? Cool see ya there.

Whether you are drinking, exercising, eating or just strolling around one of the near northside's wealthiest neighborhood. It's a fun place to be especially in the summer, and if you see a couple coeds puking out the side of a trolley window, well hey, you gotta take the good with the bad.

Rules of Engagement

Hollywood rom-com states that there will be a meet cute in the first act, the 2 characters for whatever reason can't or shouldn't be together. The second act will show their "forbidden love" blossoming until ultimately some sort of conflict will tear them apart, dramatic proclomation of love, happily ever after...unless it's (500) days of summer and Zooey Deschanel is just a stupid cunt and JGL gets Minka Kelly in the end anyway, win. Similarly, the classic relationship would have a couple meeting, perhaps through a mutual friend, maybe at some social engagement or even through work. Numbers are exchanged, phone calls and casual dates are set up. Whilst the two are in their dating phase they learn about one another, their likes, dislikes, compatibility. After a while the couple in question begins a romantic relationship.

Flash forward to today, let's revisit that classic scenario. Hammered guy meets hammered girl in a bar. Somehow pries her number out of her, they begin texting. Constantly. They start gchatting at work. Sometimes when one of the two is a bit imbibed the texts will get hot and racy. The 2am "come over" will be seen on the girl's phone any night that male goes out. Mind you these two have been in constant communication since that one fateful night at the bar, but really have only seen eachother once, and probably don't have a good grasp of what the other looked like. On the side, they are both probably going out with their friends, getting theirs if they are fortuitous enough to do so. But one night the 2am text works. The awkwardness of the late night arrival is overshadowed by the massive intoxication of both parties involved. They fuck, they have an awkward morning...this is the beginning of a 21st century relationship.

Chivalry has been dead for quite some time, but the impersonal nature of relationships has changed the rules of engagement forever. Gone is the pestering some girl to go out to dinner with you, why even bother when it's been proven that witty texts and sexual innuendo are the true way to a girl's heart. There is a youtube video called "Texting your way to love" that pretty much nails this entire scenario. However, this brings us to the next question, is responding to a text basically an agreement to a sexual advance? Is it polite? What is a girl to do if a guy acquires her number and suffocates her via text? I would advise to not respond, even the most aggressive and persistent guy will eventually get tired of texting a brick wall.

So what's the next step, you met, you exchanged numbers, you had the 2am hookup you either end it or continue this charade and try to morph in into a normal relationship. But due to the nature of the circumstances in whcih you met, this usually just results in a 3 month fuck buddies stage. No rules, no strings, eventually someone will get bored the texts will become more infrequent and the gchatting will stop. No more cute emails, you see eachother out and it's kind of weird, you talk and maybe if you get drunk enough you go home together, maybe you don't the flame is gone. Thus is the story arc of "new relationship" meet, number, drunk hook-up, sober hookup, boredom, calls screened, break-up. Depressing right? Well you can easily start another string of this exact same situation immediately after, it's pretty easy to get a girl/guy's number and start an aggressive regiment of humorous and implied texting. In fact you can carry on a few of these faux relationships on at a time if you cover your tracks and plan accordingly, and if you get caught, whatever, you're an asshole sure. No worries.

It can work though. I'm sure there are couples out there who have fallen in love over a drunken "send me naughty pics" text at 5 in the morning. "I promise I won't show them to your friends." (Sidenote: that is a lie that every guy will tell you. Any girl who has ever sent naughty pics to one of my friends has showed me and everyone else that person knows the pics, how fucking stupid can you be? In fact, many of you reading this blog...I've seen those pictures your boyfriend PROMISED he would never show anyone)

But ya, maybe they fall in love and start doing real couple things, get in a real relationship that would require a real break-up not just a cold shoulder from the cell phone. And maybe it will be an embarassing story, how did you meet? Your dad would text me 100 times a day and one night I got drunk enough to go blow him...well it's better than meeting on Match.com.

After hours part I

I've decided to write a new segment called after hours. It will be my incoherent ramblings when i get home after copious amounts of drinking with no coed in tow aka 98.7% of every night I drink. So if you are a member of the 1.3% at least you can take solace in the fact that you are probably disease free. Grammar is out the window, no filter and if you are in any way related to me you must never read these.

I went out for a casual drink tonight and that turned into 7, which turned into going to Kincades, which is full of jailbait, which begs the question...what am I doing here? Kincades is a college bar for DePaul students, who I'm convinced are all raging sluts from the north shore who refused to go too far from daddy's money. There was literally a white guy with Pauly D hair and he probably took home the hottest girl there. Is it weird that I can't tell the difference between an Italian girl and a Jew? They are both tan with black hair and seem to have strong opinions. Erroneous, I don't even know how to hit on 19 year olds anymore, what do you say? Have you heard how cool my frat is? Um, fuck off this is Chicago...ok, I have a sick pad in Lincoln Park. Yep so do I, my dad got me a sick loft. How in the fuck did i do this 5 years ago...shot, shot, shot, shot shot....*stumbles, falls down stairs, recovers, sings terrible rendition of Bon Jovi, fist pumps* thats it! It was all unintentional back then. This requires a blackout and no thought.

On the refreshing side, these self centered c muscles won't ask me about my job, they will talk about how their father's hedge fund and how fucked up they get at Congress Theatre shows. I can relate, maybe I have found my target market, they are just as mature as me. I'm glad I live in a city where I can roll with college kids and lie about my age.

Random thought of the night: All Groupon employees fuck each other like on the reg. Why do I work in Lake Forest with a bunch of geriatric patients?

Conclusion: My blog from earlier was ineffective I'm sleeping on the couch tonight.

But on a positive note: Instead of going for one of these children at the bar I decided a foot long meatball sub would be much more satisfactory. I came home and checked my blog stats and found out that I had 1000 hits the past 3 weeks. You guys validate my immaturity every day. Peter Pan out.

MacBook Heir

Why hello there commonfolk. I made an acquisition over lunch today of the highly esteemed Macbook Air. I will now be blogging outside of work hours on my extremely expensive netbook. You may also catch me at local independent coffee houses drinking soy non-fat lattes, wearing skinny ties, cardigan sweaters and perhaps even a monocle. I have stepped into the realm of classy sophisticated bloggers and I will be bringing this shit to you 24 fucking 7. I might even post some chapters of my literature for my highly educated fanbase to critique and review. Those of you with PC's can't come over to play anymore and must immediately stop following me on twitter, you broke bastards.

Girlfriends

Uh oh, here it comes, a 2000 word onslaught of how fucking lame it is to have a girlfriend when you could be out sleeping with half the city and telling tales of legend to your friends while chugging beers and collecting high fives. Right? I mean single dude in Chicago? That's what it's all about, tallying that number skyward to compete with the likes of Hank Moody, Easy-E and Magic Johnson. Unfortunately I don't want to let you down, that's not what this post is about. You may choose to basically be married at this point but remain legally single, you may choose to live a lifestyle where "a bitch can't tell you shit" and that's fine as well. Summer is coming and every "bro" blog will tell you to end your hibernation, get to the beach and pick up some ripe tale, I just want to have a frank discussion about how to behave with a girlfriend, a little protocol to keep in mind. So without further adu, my rules for girlfriend etiquette.

To the rest of the world your girlfriend is just another chick that your boys are not allowed to hook-up with. Let's be honest, she doesn't add a lot of value to your friends. She is just another body on the couch Monday-Friday, another voice talking over the TV, an excuse your buddy has for not coming out with you on a Wednesday. No matter how cool your girlfriend thinks she is, I guarantee she falls short. Wants to come over and watch football and demonstrate her knowledge of the sport, great now I can't say the word cunt out loud. No, but it's cool she doesn't care if you talk about how drunk you got last night, or call other girls names, she's one of the guys! No she's fucking not.

Now let's not turn this into a boys and girls are incapable of being platonic friends, but if it's your boy's girl, that is a slippery slope. Let's be honest, every guy has had a platonic female friend who eventually they have fallen for (see any romantic comedy ever made) it's just a bad idea. Befriending your buddy's chick turns into texting, turns into flirting, turns into how can we start fucking without getting caught and potentially murdered. Now that we have that out of the way, what good is your buddy's girlfriend?

Well she can cook and clean for the guys. The quickest way to a guys heart is his stomach and then if he can be lazy and not move afetr feasting double bonus. This isn't to say you have to be a slave to your boyfriend's friends, just think of it as your rent payment. You are breathing their air, showering at their place, watching TV taking up space..I mean at least when I go to a girl's house for an overnighter I bring enough wine for her female roommates while we watch Gossip Girl and Glee.

But even providing a service such as food prep or waste management isn't enough, the main thing you are taking away from his friends is his time. They miss their buddy? How do you make up for this aggregious offense? Duh, enter your friends, your secret weapon. The best way to satisfy a pissed off group of male roommates who feel that you have stolen their friend is to throw an army of sluts at them to get them preoccupied. This is probably the second best way outside of coworkers to expand one's social circle, friend starts dating girl, girl introduces friends, you meet her friends' coworkers and then you meet Kevin Bacon BOOM!

Just remember, everything is great in small doses, if you overtake the castle and move some of your shit in, MAJOR turnoff. Like it is logical to have a bag of your stuff there and perhaps a shower kit but it shows a stinging sense of entitlement. You are not entitled to shit. You may blow 1/5 of the roommates, but the other 4 will come to hate you. And then they will turn on you, and girls don't stand a chance against a unified front of angry friends. Trust me, I have played Avril Lavigne's "Girlfriend" on repeat until my friend lost his mind and eventually did what had to be done, it will get very very bad. At least annoy in equal doses, I'm sure the girlfriend's female friends equally despise my roommate, but at least if they trade off every other, the hate is evenly distributed. The coolest girlfriends are the kind you see once a week at a bar with a group of her friends, and I understand that we're getting older and it's time to get more serious, but until you get a place together it's best to not be seen nor heard from.

$30 bracelet

Do you like my new bracelet? Yes it's made of paper and it is a hideous shade of neon green, but this bracelet makes a statement to everyone that will see me tonight and for days to come. I am here to fucking party. This bracelet, or wristband if you will sends a message out to anyone that I will see tonight that I paid a flat rate to drink as much as humanly possible. It can equally be assumed that since I am on some sort of time constraint and I want to get my money's worth I must do so as efficiently as possible. No time for small talk, fuck off stop crowding my bar space. Bartender, I am going to give you an upfront tip right now of $10. That $10 means for the next 3 hours I want you to pass ma drinks at an alarming rate, don't bother watering down my gin and tonics, you are going to lose money on me. I realize that I am here for a birthday party at this bar, and that you do a wristband deal to make it easier on everyone and not necesarily so I can sit here pounding drinks alone and then staring down the bartender until I am granted a refill. You see bartender, I didn't want to come to this all you can drink "happy hour" from 9-12. I wanted to have a pregame at my buddy's house and play the music that I like and take vodka shots out of a bottle. Is that too much to ask? No it was much simpler to just phone it in and craft a "wristband deal" facebook event.

But I am here, and I realize that if I drink 30 cocktails in the next 3 hours I will bring my unit cost per drink down to about $1. That is a reality I can live with. Even though you shylocks are only giving me like .75 ounces of vodka per cocktail, I assure you I will get drunk. However, then you will rudely cut me off at midnight and start charging me $8 again for something that was in essence free the past 3 hours. I might as well be at home drinking alone. Any person I engage in any sort of meaningful conversation with will assume that I am irate at their very presence. Perhaps on a normal day I would choose to engage in a 15 minute conversation about this person and their job, and a cute story about their coworkers cat. Not fucking today! That story about Cuddles the kitten just cost me 10 minutes and possibly 2 full drinks...GO AWAY!

Oh great here comes the asshole who is going to buy a bunch of stuff not included in the package. Clearly he wasn't going to drink well cocktails and draft beer when he can order shots for the whole party...oh but what do I care, why am I so bitter? This is all supposed to be fun right? It's a birthday party at a bar, the idea of this when I was 17 would have blown my mind, now it's just a day in the life of a yuppie on Hubbard.

Fucking yuppies on Hubbard, it is kinda great. Every girl here is DTF for sure. None of these chicks appear to have any morals and they are all sporting $300 dresses and heels that probably cost more...and it's not even like they are trying to find a rich guy to be their sugar daddy, they are just here on the shallow hedonistic grounds of finding a d for the evening. All the chicks that go to Social, 51, Rockit, Hubbard Inn, they have jobs, they have wealthy parents. If they didn't they wouldn't be rolling in river north. Viagara Triangle is the home of the trash poking holes in condums, people around here, they just like to rage. Seriously take a look around, large groups of chicks falling over drunk with their friends, deciding whether or not they will let the roided out jersey shore clone propping them up, take them home or not...actually you know what, these are the girls that bring you home, and make you sneak out at 8am the next day, clearly they aren't in the mood for brunch.

All over the country people my age and younger are growing up or at least pretending to do adult things. Even the biggest trainwreck you knew 3 years ago may be living in the small town he or she grew up in or may have gone somewhere completely knew, they are engaged looking into buying a house, possibly adopting a pet with their partner. That shit doesn't happen here. Saturday night is about which bar's patio you will be drinking on during the day and who will be the first to get kicked out for puking under the table. On one hand it's pretty pathetic, but on one hand it's kind of awesome, I suppose whatever floats your boat.

Is it any coincidence though that the places that are keeping gen Y forever young are the major metropolitan areas? Chicago, New York and LA. You've got a bunch of failure to launch ex-frat guys running around in Chicago acting like Depaul students spening money like they aren't working entry level bullshit. In New York you have a bunch of wannabe Carrie Bradshaws pretending that they are going to be the next big thing in fashion or PR or make a name for themselves writing the About Last Night section on page 6. In LA everyone thinks they will be famous sooner or later and people that read about them later will be so surprised they hit it big. It's all an illusion, but I admire everyone's ambition to do something.

One thing they all have in common is that Saturday night, no one really cares about the bullshit that happened during the week, whether their rent check will clear, if their girlfriend knows about what happened Wednesday night, it's all an escape from the reality we have unwillingly entered. So take a chill pill on your solo boozathon once in a while to take in your surroundings. You didn't really see it coming but this is your world now, you are a young urban professional, but that doesn't mean you can't act like a child every once in a while.