Over the Hills and Far Away

I once drove four hours to a girl's house on a Thursday night. I didn't have work off the next day, I wasn't planning a long weekend. I simply left Lake Forest, IL at around 530 pm and by the time I made it to Indy it was probably about 1030pm (time zone change) When I got there I think we had a glass of wine, watched one episode of Say Yes to the Dress and went to bed. We seriously might not have even had sex.

The next morning I woke up at 5am and drove to my shitty job in Chicago.

That was dumb.

But I was 23 and I was 'in love.' That's probably the stupidest thing I ever did 'for love.'

The irony of the story is that the following Monday, I did not make it to work. See I had gone straight from work that Friday to the Milwaukee airport, flown to NYC and proceeded to do all of the cocaine in Manhattan. Then I took the 6am MONDAY flight back to Milwaukee, with the plan to drive straight to work in the North Shore suburbs.

For those of you keeping track at home, my plan had read like this.

Thursday- Go to work, drive to Indiana.
Friday- Drive from Indiana to Lake Forest, IL. Work. Drive to Wisconsin. Fly to New York. Party.
Saturday- Party
Sunday- Party
Monday- Fly to Wisconsin, drive to Illinois. Go to work, drive home to Chicago.

The human body has limits. This was my breaking point. I made it to the Milwaukee airport and had a total meltdown. I slept on the floor of baggage claim for two hours and then drove straight back to Chicago and proceeded to sleep for 20 hours. When I showed up to work on Tuesday, I claimed I thought we had MLK day off. It kinda worked. I wouldn't be fired for five more months.

***

That is a rough travel story. Pity me if you want, or just think to yourself that I am a degenerate for attempting to pull something like that off. But whatever you do, don't pity Amanda from the Bachelor. Because she's doing just fine.



If you're having trouble following, I should note that Amanda (the mom) was sent home last night. She seemed to be cool with it outside of the fact that Ben made her drive all the way up the 405 to LA. Really harshing her mellow man...

95 miles? One hour and forty five minutes? That's nothing.

How DARE Ben Higgins summon her from Orange County to summarily dump her on national TV!! What are her kids supposed to think?

Guys, Amanda was at Bungalow last Saturday, she's doing just fine.

I bet Amanda didn't even have to drive herself to the mansion in Agoura Hills. ABC def sprung for a black car to get her. Maybe even an SUV. Hell, I bet they put her up in a nice hotel afterward.

But I'm not writing this post today to poke fun at Amanda. I'm sure she'll continue to party the rest of her 20's and take over parenting duties from Mom and Dad once it's convenient for her. The truth is we have three girls left and I don't know who to cheer for anymore. They all kinda suck, so instead of ranking the girls today, I'll be ranking their hometowns based on what was shown in the episode.

3. Hudson, OH
Before we go anywhere, I just want to mention that I am TOTALLY not prejudice against Ohio. SOME OF MY BEST FRIENDS ARE OHIOANS. That said, JESUS that place looks like the worst. I think the only thing worse than being from Cleveland would be an almost suburb of Cleveland. Not even a fucking toy factory could save this date. It also doesn't help that Caila's dad is a fucking vampire.

Seriously…


Caila's dad…


A vampire…

Ok, maybe it's a bit of a stretch.

2. Dallas, TX
How do you want to spend your day in Dallas? You want to argue about an ex-boyfriend and then get roughed up by my brothers?

No? Would it help if I told you my parents are rich as fuck and not only do they have a giant plantation but I myself live in an apartment straight out of an Anthropologie catalogue?

It helps a little I guess. Anything else?

Ya my mom's plastic surgery looks like this…



Ew.

1. Portland, OR

God dammit, we got cheated out of our Venice day because Lauren was actually raised in Portland. But you know what? Lauren's day in Portland was normal and really that's all we want at this point, right? They went whisky tasting and her parents were pretty cool. Her sister was kind of a babe…and her brothers point blank asked Ben if he was planning on fucking her next week in the Fantasy Suite. Now those are future bros in law I can get on board with.

It's time for this season to end, shit is going off the rails.

See you in Jamaica bitches.

Indiana Travel Guide

I apologize for not putting up a Bachelor recap last week. I was busy reading hot take think pieces about a 19 year old boy putting his balls in a trainers face and a rock star doing a fuck ton of drugs and hooking up with a groupie.

WHEN WILL PEOPLE LEAVE WHITE MALES ALONE?

I'm kidding, I was dealing with real life stuff and to be honest the episode was pretty shitty. They went to the Bahamas and it rained the whole time.

Wanna know what happened last time I went to the Bahamas in inclement weather? I flew there on a goddamn private jet and went to a day club where a gay man in a cowboy hat game me a one pound bag of ecstasy pills. I then proceeded to take about five of those pills during dinner at Nobu and accosted Steve Urkel at Aura. I think I stole his bottle because he refused a picture with me. All the while my house in Bloomington was being raided by a man named Captain Cash who is now dead.

"Come at the king you best not miss."

I'm sorry, that started as a humble brag before I went full on douche. I apologize. The moral of the story is that shitty weather does not make The Bahamas boring. Shitty people make the Bahamas boring.

Thank Christ this week gave us Conservative Mecca Indiana, which you may be aware is my home state. I have complicated feelings about Indiana because while it was a wonderful place to grow up, it's also boring as shit. But this week, as Indiana is wont to do for large events, it brought the fucking heat.

I've never been more proud to be a Hoosier…welcome to God's country.

Stop 1: Winona Lake
Welcome to Winona Lake, the smaller shittier Wawasee! If you have ever met a person from Indiana with a shred of financial stability they probably talk about this cool lake that has a bar that is loosely affiliated with Frogs.

THIS IS NOT THAT LAKE. It's a glorified retention pond, in fact I couldn't tell from Ben's shitty pontoon boat but I imagine there is some sort of HP restriction on those motors. NO EXTREME WAKEBOARDING BRO.

Anyway, Ben jets the girls over to some 'waterfront Air BnB' that I assure you costs $200 a night for the entire house. There will be people on the internet today that stress that the Higgins family is wealthy. I will calmly retort, I currently have sufficient savings (about $1000) to retire to Northern Indiana. Once Ben drops the chicks off at home we find out that Basic Bitch Lauren is getting date 1…yippie!

Stop 2: Community Center
You know you live in a one horse town when the grand tour consists of your middle school, your high school and a fucking community center. But this community center had it all: white kids playing sports, a mentally handicapped kid that can do parlor tricks and even a bullied youth crying in the corner!

As if Down's Sydrome kids making bets and hitting half court shots wasn't enough, the goddamn Indiana Pacers showed up! George Hill tried his best to play the local card. "I grew up in Indiana, it's a small state." Paul George was much less convincing. I could see it in his eyes, "I'm a motherfucking superstar, why am I in Warsaw, Indiana?" I don't know Paul, I don't know.

The Pacers make the kids do jumping jacks and some other shit that got my frat kicked off for hazing and then Ben and Lauren kiss. It's cute, I guess.

Stop 3: Wrigley Field
Ok, I know what you're thinking. Chicago is TOTALLY a suburb of Warsaw, IN right? Actually, it's not even close. It's a casual 120 miles away. That's roughly the distance between New York City and Wilmington, DE. When is the last time you thought of Delaware as a suburb of The City? But fuck it, Warsaw is boring right?

Let's go somewhere cool!

So they go up to Wrigleyville, the Jerusalem of coke addicted frat bros everywhere and give themselves a private tour of the stadium. It was during this date that I realized why I love Jojo. Of the remaining contestants, Jojo is the only one that is a Serena-type. She's hot, she's sexy, she has tits. The rest are all Blairs. They dress cute, they have nice skin and good smiles. Gentlemen out there trying to describe to your girlfriend why you like Jojo over Lauren. Simply tell them, it's a classic Gossip Girl situation, they'll understand.

The date itself was fine, Ben looked like he wanted to rail Jojo's tits off inside that scoreboard, and like Serena, she TOTALLY would have let him. Bonus points for going through with the date despite an obvious thunderstorm. I was oddly nostalgic for miserable November weather in Chicago, right around the time where everyone is losing hope and the girls are secretly celebrating because they don't have to shave their legs for the next 5 months.

What I found interesting though was Ben didn't seem to be able to enjoy the date until he broke Jojo into crying and telling him something sad. Does Ben Higgins understand that these are all hot rich white chicks in their 20's? It's likely that nothing bad has ever happened to him. I'm starting to think Benny is a bit of a masochist, I bet he's in to choking.

The date ended with them eating some unimpressive food, I would have probably cum if it were Lou's or Portillo's but they settled for some shitty catering, must have blown all the budget locking down that location.

Stop 4: A random barn!
All right, Lauren got the Pacers, Jojo got Wrigley…what will Becca, Caila and Amanda get? A random fucking barn in the middle of nowhere! Yay! That's the Indiana we know and love. I'll admit, I mostly played Clash of Clans during this segment because it was boring AF. Ben told Amanda he wanted to mmet her kids. Becca begged not to get voted off in a rose ceremony (spoiler alert: she does!) and Caila blah blah blah she's going to be the next Bachelorette because of affirmative action. Amanda gets the rose and judging by the promos for next week's ep it will NOT go well.

But Amanda got to hang with Ben the rest of the night, I shit you not, this is what they did.

-Worked a McDonald's drive thru. I promise I think one of them said 'this has always been a dream of mine.' It was also SHAMELESS shilling of McDonald's breakfast all day, something that was probably super relevant when they filmed this is November.

-Met the Mayor of Warsaw. I think he even gave Ben like a key to the city.

-Rode rides at a carnival that was thrown to honor Ben.

It's Indiana folks, it doesn't take much to impress them.

Stop 5: Home sweet home
They're meeting the parents! In their totally affordable Northern Indiana lake house! The neighbors are probably wholesome blond bombshells that do 4H, they probably look a lot like Emily! Emily? What a curious choice to take home Emily? You want the 23 year old bottle girl with no personality to be grilled by your parents?
Here is a list of things Emily was asked by the parents, followed by her answers…

Hopes: Be an above average mother and spouse. Cheerlead for the Denver Broncos.
Fears: Vegetables. Does not like vegetables.
Dreams: Watch movies like all day.

Is she a keeper?

Mom and Dad's verdict: NOPE

Sorry Emily, back to the pole (I'm kidding she seems like a nice girl, I'm sure she'll get a good bar tending gig in LA. Maybe Sarah can swing her a job at Bungalow, and then I can date Emily, at which point I will delete this blog. If this blog ever suddenly gets deleted I am either dating Emily from the Bachelor or unexpectedly got staffed on a TV show.)

Stop 6: Town Hall?
Just to hammer home for the 972nd time that it's a small town, the rose ceremony is done on the steps of the town hall, which is I bet where the cool kids ate lunch during high school.

After whining to Chris Harrison for 2.5 seconds that he doesn't want to cut anyone, Ben finally mercy kills Becca, a girl with whom he had less sexual chemistry than he had with his mom. (Seriously, I was moderately disturbed with his parent sex jokes)

Yay onto the girl's hometown dates. If ABC's website is accurate, we should be getting Marina Del Rey (Venice adjacent!) Dallas (and Jojo's evil older brothers) Orange County (PLEASE MAKE AN OC REFERENCE) and Akron. (LeBron or GTFO)

Can't wait!

Perspective

"Hey, I think someone left the milk out," someone says to me.

To a normal person, that may sound like an innocent musing by a coworker. But not me, I know what she means.

"Oh, does it taste funny?"

I'm sure the milk tastes fine.

"Oh no no, I mean like it looks like someone forgot to put it away just now."

I give a long slow nod, like I'm thinking. I know what this person wants, but I'm taking my time.

"So it looks like someone forgot to put it away? Or it's just out…"

Most people in my position would NEVER take it this far. I'm an assistant, I should just go assist. Moreover, I'm a production assistant, so that means I am essentially everyone's assistant. But then again most PAs are young and wide eyed or annoying try hards. I am 29 and bitter. I am also large and imposing, so I always take it this far.

"Well I guess someone COULD be in the middle of making some cereal…"

"Ya, that's more likely, I mean I can't imagine someone just leaving the milk out, that's so weird, right? I mean we're adults! But I'll tell you what I'm going to do, I'm going to go investigate."

I then throw on a big fake smile and walk toward the kitchen. What a power struggle that was. Her subtext was clearly 'go put the fucking milk away pledge' but in matching her intensity, I've guaranteed that this person will never tell me to put the fucking milk away ever again. It's not worth it.

My dad used to do this shit to me all the time. He would yell down the stairs when I was in the basement playing a video game.

"Hey did you leave your lights on in your room?"

I don't know, did I?

"Ya, looks like you did, can you come up here and turn them off?"

But you're right there.

A struggle would ensue and then I would run upstairs to turn the lights off.

I don't get it, if one of my roommates leaves a plate out, I just put it away. If Sarah blacks out and cooks chili at 3 in the morning and forgets to turn off the stove, I don't drag her out of bed and make her do it. I turn the nob a quarter turn to the right and continue living my life.

I went into the office kitchen and put the milk in the refrigerator and had a psychotic break that I haven't had in the five years in LA. Why am I putting someone's milk away at 29?

It doesn't help that all of my irresponsibilities are starting to catch up with me. It turns out that you can't live a life of luxury on 700 dollars a week. I'm getting audited by the IRS and last week when I got pulled over for driving with expired tags, I found out my license was suspended.

Ya, turns out you actually have to pay those parking tickets.

I was in the middle of a full blown panic attack, wondering why I had such a shitty job, wondering why I was such a bad adult. I have a wedding card that has been sitting in my bedroom for 2 months that I haven't been able to send because I don't know what to write in it to excuse its lateness.

I'm just crippled by my own inadequacies. I did a deep dive on WebMD to find out if I have secretly been bipolar this whole time, all the while trying to figure out a genius plan to sell my car, get a job walking distance in Venice and solve all of my problems.

And then my phone rang.

"David, it's your father."

(People over 50 still don't understand the concept of caller ID)

I look at my clock and realize it's 9pm. Midnight his time. I see I have a couple missed calls from him earlier in the day. I didn't answer because I was spiraling out of control in self-pity.

None of our favorite sports teams are playing and it's a Tuesday night. This is bad news.

In the .02 seconds before he can tell me, I think about all of the worst case scenarios: A family member died, the cat died, my brother is in jail, my mom's been in a crash, cancer, stroke, financial ruin…

Do you remember when your mom was late picking you up from practice when you were a little kid? My mind would always go straight to the worst case scenario. I would picture the headlines on the local news. "Suburban mom hit by drunk driver on way to pick up her mediocre kid from soccer practice." I would then think of how I will never live this down and that everyone will blame me in a total Zach Braff from Garden State situation. My life would be effectively over.

Then she would show up one minute later and everything would be fine.

"I'm having a heart procedure tomorrow."

A heart procedure, what does that mean? Like heart SURGERY?

"Very minor, they're putting a catheter in my heart to look around, worst case scenario they'll insert a stent to clear up some blockage."

This did not sound very minor to me. I told him I loved him and that I would pray for him and I immediately looked to the internet for comfort.

NO COMFORT FOUND.

Cardiac Cath risks

Bleeding
Stroke
Heart Attack
Air Embolism (DEATH)

Not too reassuring. Obviously I stayed awake all night because I couldn't shake the idea that… well what if he dies? I would be so lost and crumple like a wet paper towel. Some of you out there have lost one or two parents and I have to tell you, you are so much stronger than me that I can't put it into words.

If I were to lose a parent, I would go off the deep end...perhaps move to Western Australia and never be heard from again.

I cannot imagine a world in which I can't fall back on two most important people in my world. This can't be happening, I mean my dad runs 6 miles a day, how in the fuck can he be sick?

I woke up with a text this morning.

"Good news, call me when you wake up."

It was from my mom. She has good text mannerisms. If I would have seen a bunch of missed calls or a text that said 'call me' I would have had a full blown stroke. "Good news, call me when you wake up," was the best that I could hope for given the circumstances.

I call and I find out that this 'minor procedure' actually found that my dad had 100% blockage in the anterior inter ventricular branch of the left coronary artery. It's called the widow maker, because when you suffer a heart attack due to this artery, you do not survive.

They caught it JUST in time. "It was a miracle."

Of course my dad is all jokes, 'Now that my arteries are clear I think it will improve my mile time.'

And why you ask? Why does this happen? He's fit, eats somewhat well and he's only 61. I guess sometimes it just happens.

And to think, 24 hours ago I was pitching a fit because someone asked me to do my job and I'm going to have to hire a traffic attorney to get some tickets squared away.

Sometimes things are put in perspective. The little shit REALLY doesn't matter. Hug your loved ones, appreciate the time you have and encourage people to regularly see their physician. My dad finally went because he felt a little short of breath after a morning run. Think about how different this post could have been if he decided to just go to work.

Cheers.

Breaking Down the 'Realistic' Ken Dolls

I'm not going to write much of an intro for this post, because these guys already did a great job.

TL;DR new Barbies came out last week so a bunch of fat girls could feel better about themselves. And now realistic Barbie needs a realistic prince because LOL fat girls can't date hot guys, that's only in bad movies and nights where I take too much MDMA.

The new Ken dolls…Barbie is so lucky to have all these new choices.

Inoffensive black friend Ken: Inoffensive black friend Ken grew up in a middle class home in Torrance. His father was an attorney, his mother ran a cooking blog. You and Ken did theatre together at Mira Costa High School. In the stage production of High School Musical, you played Troy Bolton and he played Corbin Bleu. Sometimes on the weekends, the two of you would roll together in his mom's white Chrysler Sebring convertible. You would listen to rap music and Ken wouldn't make you censor the 'n word' he gets it. It's fun to say.

You would TOTALLY let Ken date your sister because he's your bestie man! When people call you racist you point to inoffensive friend Ken and say NU UH MY BEST FRIEND IS BLACK! You even share jeans and white tee shirts sometimes because "We're all in this together!"

Post-prime frat bro Kenny: Post-prime frat bro Kenny was a fucking legend man. Do you remember his parties in high school? His dad had that fat spot in the Palisades and his mom had the beach house in Malibu! You guys made it rain as Lambdas at SC, dropping hundreds of dollars at the 9-0 Every. Single. Night. You guys even had a 4-way in the steam shower of his dad's pool house once. That shit bonds people!

After college, Kenny's absentee father bought him a nice bachelor pad on the Marina peninsula. Kenny started a charity that provides free legal defense for frat guys accused of hazing. He started packing on the pounds and he's not as good with chicks anymore being that he maxed out at 5'8. But if you're down to get straight ratchet on a Sunday, he'll buy you some shots at The Whaler.

Ethnically ambiguous lawyer Ken: Ethnically ambiguous lawyer Ken won't tell you his heritage, but he's definitely not white. Yellow or brown, maybe even partially, but he's smashing racist stereotypes. You think I'm an Asian working at a wok shop in the inland empire? "Ha! I'm a lawyer living in Brentwood, I just made junior partner you fucking scum." No he doesn't have any 'homies' that live in East LA. No he doesn't speak Spanish. Why would you assume that? He goes to Q's on the weekends and hits on UCLA chicks, just like you!

Sometimes you wonder if ethnically ambiguous lawyer Ken is actually just a tan white guy. He does kinda resemble John Travolta playing Robert Shapiro in American Crime Story. For all I know Travolta is white, unless being a Scientologist allows you to self-identify as alien. EAL Ken is definitely NOT a tall dark complected white man though. He was in the CBS diversity writer's workshop before he decided to go to law school, and now he spends his days wearing ill fitting suits and too much hair product.

Pixie gay boi Ken (aka Angel): Pixie gay boi Ken knows he's a stereotype, but you know what? He doesn't give a fuck. In fact, he would prefer you call him by his nickname, 'Angel.' When Angel isn't busy chugging cock at one of Bryan Singer's pool parties, he is employed as a semi-professional voguer at The Abby. Angel is also an actor/model/director/producer/dancer/poet/essayist/artist/barista. He's a fabulous shopping companion to Barbie.

On the weekends Angel can often be found in Palm Springs at the Ace, usually traveling with an older gentleman. Angel knows what you're thinking. He'll only be pretty and young for so long. Two words for you: memoir bitch.

Silver Lake Kenneth: 'May I offer you a pour over coffee? Perhaps a local IPA or a single malt scotch?' You politely decline and notice that his coffee table is a repurposed tree stump. "Do you like it? I got it at a flea market, I traded a homeless man…er sorry, that was offensive. I traded a nomad for it. Four Abba records, vinyl of course." You don't quite remember when Ken started demanding you call him Kenneth. It was around the same time he started collecting lots of flannel and always dressing like it was about 40 degrees out.

He also has taken to social media a lot lately to support Hilary. He also weirdly brags that his girlfriend doesn't shave her vagina. That's not something to be proud of bro.

Pedophile Ken: Pedophile Ken is legally obligated to tell you that he has to be 500 feet away from schools at all times. BUT he wasn't really masturbating behind that bush, he was peeing. The fact that there were little girls playing hopscotch next door was total coincidence, he was just shaking man, didn't wanna get any piss on his sweet new khakis. When did America get so soft?

This whole thing is ridiculous. A guy used to be able to lose his hair, grow a creepy beard and live with his mom. No one would say a word, but now you put on a few pounds and a quarter zip and people look at you like you're Jared fucking Fogel. For real man, Ken just wants to jerk off to hentai porn and play Fallout 4, leave him the fuck alone.

Bachelor Prop Bets

The shortest passage in the Bible is John 11:35. This is something every good midwestern boy learns in Sunday School. The passage merely reads "Jesus wept," and I imagine that's what he does every time he sees the massive cross hanging around Olivia's neck.

God she's the worst.

But Jesus wasn't the only one weeping last night. The rallying cry of the social justice warriors was muted when their 'strong female character' Jubilee was put out of her misery in favor of the Lauren B's and Beccas of the world. Meanwhile in Iowa, Donald Trump was upset by a sociopath and a socialist hermit from Vermont is taking a serious run at Jezebel's personal savior.

So many emotions right now…

But we don't have time for politics and/or the social repercussions of eliminating the last black contestant on The Bachelor. It's Super Bowl week after all, so let's get right to the prop bets, shall we?

Caila is the next Bachelorette 1/1

EVEN MONEY ON THE HOT FILIPINO. Because what is more of a win/win for ABC than a hot mixed race chick? They can pat themselves on the back for having a brown (yellow?) Bachelorette and STILL keep the show primarily white! It's like hiring a WASPy guy named Chad to be a diversity staff writer because he's totally 1/8 Cherokee! I guarantee you the rest of Caila's edit is going to focus on how much fun she is with intermittent reminders that she is totally not 100% white. Did you know that in the Philippines there is a bar run by midgets designed to look like Middle Earth?

Lauren B wins The Bachelor, breaks up with Ben a week later. 3/1

Sarah looked at me last night and said 'Ugh, why do y'all like her, she's SO basic.' This is true. A life with Lauren B means missionary sex, quarterly blow jobs, definitely no butt stuff. But then you look at Ben, Ben is basic af. 

I mean look at these fucking guys. They look like they're ready for a big night out at Applebee's.

Of course this relationship will be over within a week because Ben is famous now and famous people want to put it in the butt. 

Olivia recaptures the hearts of the liberal world via a 'Crying Game' situation. 1,000/1

Olivia is so horrible that she cannot be redeemed. I don't know what that bitch said to Ben before the 'to be continued' situation. At this point, an Uncle rape, a brother suicide…no dice. THAT SAID, if somehow Olivia were to be a trans man living as a woman? She's back. Ben would be up a creek. BEN'S DISMISSAL OF OLIVIA IS A PERFECT EXAMPLE OF TRANSPHOBIC AMERICA! Can you imagine the ratings for the dick reveal? I mean sure, it would be blurred out a la a Japanese bukkake situation, stay tuned for the director's cut DVD.

In a shocking reveal, Leah is actually Natalee Holloway 10,000/1

Did you ever see the movie Double Jeopardy? Bruce Greenwood fakes his own death so that Ashley Judd will go to jail for his 'murder.' Ashley Judd is eventually released from prison finds out that he is actually alive and kills him because you can't be tried for the same crime twice. Maybe Joran Van Der Sloot was just kind of a shitty boyfriend and 'Leah' wanted him to rot in jail, meanwhile after some light plastic surgery she's ready for love again.

I mean it's not THAT much of a stretch.

Emily murders Olivia at the next Rose Ceremony 350/1

We all knew that Emily wasn't very smart, and last night we saw an unintelligent, nervous girl finally break. A cornered animal is oft the most dangerous. I wouldn't be surprised if in the presence of her certain demise Emily snapped and straight up murdered Olivia.

It's actually the death just before this that's more applicable, Cat merc'ing Frye's wife. But this is an all time GIF. BONUS PROP Olivia is summoned from the dead as Lady OFACE and kills all the remaining competitors 100000000/1

Becca is a robot. 50/1

At 50/1 that's good value! Are you familiar with the theory that Keanu Reeves is immortal? Will someone on Reddit please provide similar supporting facts that Becca is a robot? At the moment all I have is a hunch.

Jojo has fucked your boyfriend. 1/5

Just look at this skinny little betch.

OF COURSE SHE HAS FUCKED YOUR BOYFRIEND. Jojo is an alpha. Jojo was in a sorority! She probably went in front of angel board multiple times for infractions such as: cocaine, sex in cold dorm, 'borrowing' your Prada bag, blacking out at formal. Jojo is like the original Mean Girl.

Check out those fucking photoshop skills yo.

Jennifer survives the next rose ceremony 500/1

Jennifer is the one person in the world happy about that little to be continued situation, because it guarantees her one more royalty check on episode 6. Jennifer may have great tits, but she never had a chance on The Bachelor. She has the same odds of surviving another week as Rick Santorum does on winning the Republican nomination.

Also in case anyone was wondering why people always laugh at Rick Santorum's name, it's because 'santorum' is slang for the gooey fecal matter/lube combo that is the byproduct of anal sex. Sorry for ruining your day.

Lauren H and Amanda go lesbian 100/1

There is absolutely no evidence to support this, but I like both of these characters. Lauren H is like the funny girl that I'm friends with and sometimes when we're really drunk we hook up. Amanda is so sweet, but I just can't saddle my man with two kids that aren't his. I want them both to find happy endings and in the context of this show that means these two declaring their love for each other. ABC could pay for their wedding, throw them a lavish honeymoon, air it as a 3 night event and satisfy the LGBT community forever. They'll probably even win a GLAAD award.

Some day I'll be a great network executive.

Lace returns in the finale to have one more drunken meltdown. 20/1

I mean why not right? In a world where Reality Steve is spoiling everything, the producers have to have one last trick up their sleeves? I watched Unreal, I know how soulless these people can be.

I agree Lace. I agree.

29

I don't think I ever wanted anything more than to be 21. I had pictured this day vividly since I was a little boy. I planned this thing out like a little girl fantasizing about her future wedding. I would wear the perfect fratty outfit to Kilroy's, my friends would match. One of the girls would make me a scrapbook style shot book…or maybe they would decorate a paddle. I would cherish it the rest of my life.

Turning 21 would fix everything. I had been in an abusive relationships with the Bloomington bars before I came of age. I had to depend on my rich friends to score invites through the coveted 'side door.' I would wait outside of that thing for hours like a groupie hoping to be invited backstage. Every fake ID that failed me hurt deeply, like a romantic relationship gone awry.

"It's ok," I would tell myself, "Some day I'll actually belong. I'll stop showing IDs that say Chris from Virginia or Mike from Texas. I'll show an ID that says my name, and it will be good enough."

As we got further into Junior year EVERYONE around me turned 21. Sure I would get invited to the parties, but you know it was never me. Always a bridesmaid. I started to wonder if there was something wrong with me. WIll I ever turn 21? I started to lose touch with all my old friends, "Hey you guys wanna go drink at the frat?" 

"Sorry man,  we're just too busy now. Being 21 and stuff."

As January 29th grew near it became apparent that I wouldn't have the Kilroy's birthday I had dreamed of. I was going to have a DESTINATION 21st birthday. I was studying abroad spring semester and my flight was January 28th. Sure I was a little bummed that since this was a destination birthday not everyone would be able to make it…but still BIRTHDAY IN ITALY.

January 27th I drove up to Bloomfield Hills, Michigan. I was flying out of Detroit with my buddies Chase and Hunter. We celebrated our last night in America by going to the Detroit Auto Show and then getting drunk at a Buffalo Wild Wings.

The next day we got to the Detroit airport and spilled out of a large SUV. When we unloaded our bags from the trunk I accidentally knocked over a large box of shotgun shell casings (Hunter was a world champion skeet shooter) This got me a side eye from a few police officers, but apparently this is normal enough behavior in Michigan that no further action was taken. We get to the gate about three hours early. Chase and Hunter immediately begin smashing gin and tonics. I wanted one so bad, but I was still about 12 hours from turning 21. I didn't dare show a fake ID at an airport for fear of blowing my entire abroad experience. 

Five minutes before we get on the plane Chase opens up a small pill bottle. "Hey, my mom gave me these Ambien for us to take. She said to take one, but we're guys and she only weighs like 70 pounds. I think we can all take three."

We take all the pills and board our Lufthansa flight bound for Florence. 15 minutes into the flight we find out that there are unlimited drinks. We take full advantage. I don't even think we had reached our cruising altitude when Chase and Hunter were on their 10th drink of the afternoon. I was pretty far behind, but intent on catching up. It was never to be though because about half way through my second drink I looked over at Hunter and knew something was wrong.

He was a hue of green that can't be found in nature. He looked ill but also unaware that he was in trouble.

"Uh, Hunter, do you need to use the bathroom?"

"Yes. Yes I do. Right now."

Then nothing.

"Well go…"

"Uh, ya ok."

Hunter struggles with his seatbelt a bit and then walks calmly to the section of the plane where the bathrooms are. He tries each of the four doors. They are all occupied. With no further recourse, Hunter proceeds to drench the entire bathroom foyer with 10 gin and tonics worth of vomit. He then calmly returns to his seat, looks at me and gives a thumbs up.

He passes out immediately, I think he woke up in Italy.

Moments later, a male flight attendant comes back to our row. Chase is trying to figure out the headphone controls.

"Excuse me sir."

"What?"

"Your friend puked all over the hallway."

"And?"

The flight attendant stares incredulously.

"He got sick EVERYWHERE. The smell is abhorrent."

"Well I suggest you do your job and clean it up!"

With that Chase closed his eyes and proceeded to take an 8 hour nap.

Before the flight attendant could finger me as a co-conspirator I immediately faked unconsciousness. No more drinks were ordered the remainder of the flight.

By the time we actually get to Italy, it's the 29th. We are checked into a 5 star hotel in downtown Florence. There is a mixer with all of the people in our program. I'm reunited with my other 9 roommates (7 from my frat) that I'll be living with for the next 6 months. We are drinking scotch and calling dibs on various smoke shows from east coast universities. It's great.

Somewhere along the line I venture out to go buy myself some champagne. I also realize on this excursion that there are no open container laws in Italy. So I treat myself to a couple bottles of champagne as I wait for my friends to shower up post dinner. 

By the time we are all dressed and ready to go I am in really bad shape. As we walked up to the night club YAB (You are Beautiful…LOL) I was shaky on my feet to say the least. But I was ready for this moment. Everything in my life had been leading up to this.

I proudly walk up to the front of the line and show the guy my passport.

"What are you doing?"

"It's my birthday!"

"Oh, ok…well you don't have to show me."

"Don't you need to see I'm old enough?"

"This is Europe man…"

I stumble and barely catch myself.

"Are you ok buddy?"

My friend Steve steps up showing the guy that I'm with 10 friends and they'll keep an eye out for me.

The bouncer steps aside and I take my first step into a bar as a legal adult. Only the step is down a flight of stairs and I slip and fall down 50 stairs coming to a stop on the bottom bleeding all over my sport coat.

I vaguely remember Steve carrying me home and throwing me in bed. I then remember being woken up at 5 in the morning to hear that we had been kicked out of the hotel because one of us had called the front desk girl a cunt.

Italy was not off to a great start, my 21st birthday had come and gone, there was no shot book. No picture of me and my bros in matching green polos. No epic story about the girl from Marist College that I slated on the first night. Nothing. My big day had come and gone without so much as a blip on the radar. It didn't go the way I planned.

But then…

Over the next 6 months I went to 20 countries, I interned in Chicago, I discovered Austin. I had an unbelievable senior year, I got arrested for peeing on a cop! And yes, I finally walked into Kilroy's with my real ID. It started off a 2 year run in my life that will never be repeated. I made so many good friends, I did so much cool shit. It's almost surreal that it all actually happened.

It's now 8 years later. That fateful day in Florence is a foggy memory. I'm now 6000 miles away in Los Angeles and I promise none of this has gone the way I planned it…

But it's been an adventure.

Some of the most exciting parts of life lie in the great unknown. I have know idea what I'll be doing eight years from now, but I want to thank all of the people that have been a part of my story to date.

Who knows, the best could be yet to come.

Marry Fuck Kill

And then there were 11…

All it took was a fairly lame Vegas trip to get there. I mean we had four dates and the most dramatic thing was a fairly sensitive twin killing? He got her mother's blessing before doing it, it was almost adorable? It was like the interaction an owner has with his FIV positive cat before putting it down.

It was a boring episode. Haley can now resume her career in prostitution. Rachel can go find a job. Amber can go marry an ugly Russian man and Olivia…Jesus someone needs to kill Olivia with fire.

How tf did they go to Vegas and NOT let the girls get wildly drunk at a Calvin Harris show. They could have at least done some Cirque De Solei shit. BUT NO. We got a fucking helicopter ride, a neon museum and a god damn talent show.

Was anyone else extremely uncomfortable during the talent show? You couldn't think what you would do, right? BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO TALENT. I could just see the look of horror in their eyes. I can take two cocks in my ass, does that count? No, no it doesn't. I had the same thought. I could bang a line much better than Maty Mauk. I can probably shotgun 5 beers in a row. Unfortunately, I do not know if these are ABC approved talents. I probably would have ended up freestyle rapping. There is nothing worse than a white person freestyle rapping.

Regardless, I wouldn't have thrown a fake panic attack at the end. I really expected more from Olivia. The panic attack is SO over at this point. Fake a stroke or a seizure, you have to keep upping the ante.

I thought a fun way to frame this week would be to play a little MFK with the remaining contestants. I'll be honest, it's going to be bloody.

KILL

Olivia- OH GOD KILL IT! I really hope when this is all over we find out that Olivia was just playing the heel to further her #brand. But she is such a conniving cunt I find myself screaming at the TV whenever she is on. She needs to be killed off next season or I may stop watching the show, I just can't even. I can see the agony on Ben's face every time he gives her a rose and know that there is a producer in his ear saying 'THIS IS WHAT YOU WANTED BEN. YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO SELL SOFTWARE AGAIN. YOU SOLD YOUR SOUL TO ME!"

Jubilee- I just wrote some really mean quasi-race baity things about Jubilee. Then I took a long walk, cooled down and realized it wasn't worth the potential fall out. Good for me. I will say this though, anyone that says they like Jubilee 'because she's so real' probably loves to say Christian McAffrey has a high motor. There are going to be so many hot take think pieces about why Jubilee should be the next Bachelorette. The truth is ABC should totally cast her as The Bachelorette because it would be good for business, just like casting Dr. Dre as Jack Bauer will be fortuitous for Fox. White people don't watch network TV anymore. My employment is proof of this.

Caila- Everyone loves Caila. I do not. Caila reminds me of a chick my buddy fucked at Coachella. She was fun for one night when we were all rolling on molly, but then she didn't leave in the morning. In fact we ended up having to drop this girl off in Palm Desert on the way back to LA. We got there only to discover that she was locked out of the house. She looked at us like she wanted us to invite her back to LA. This is not the OC pilot we do not take inland empire trash home with us. So we left. Anyway, she was Asian too. I'm ready for this yellow fever phase to pass.

FUCK

Becca- Becca, I love you but I'm starting to think it just isn't meant to be. Over two seasons I have given her every benefit of the doubt, but I'm starting to think she may just be a bit dull. I love last night (btw officiating weddings is the worst date in the history of the bachelor) when Ben was like 'well I know you don't…but I fuck. How do you feel about it?' That said Becca is still SO hot and I would love to have my Twitter bio be 'I deflowered Becca.'

Emily- If there was any doubt Emily and Haley are strippers it was cleared up last night when we found out they grew up in a Vegas track house with a single mom. It also looked like maybe they still lived there? No wonder these two are 'trying to get married.' This was a scene straight out of The Goldfinch. That said, things I have not done: Fuck a twin. Things I would like to do: Fuck a twin.

Amanda- One of my buddies has a heroic father that retired at age 50. He has spent the last 15 years sitting in the basement drinking Miller Lites and watching White Sox games. In college he visited us a few times and gave me sage advice that I will never forget. Never date a woman with baggage and always marry up. Amanda is a strong 0 for 2. But I am kinda into that blonde ombre thing she's got going. Plus it would be nice to know if children actually ruin a vagina.

Jennifer- Is Jennifer a sneaky contender for Bachelorette? She's pretty mellow. When Olivia interrupted her date with Ben she just kinda rolled her eyes "whatever, over it." She hasn't had a ton of screen time but she seems pretty likable when she is on camera. I feel like if anyone would have hatched a plan to sneak out to Wet Republic while Ben was on his date with Jojo, Jennifer would have been in.

Lauren H- The Lauren H bit with the puppet was pretty good! She showed some personality and was kinda funny! Definitely runner-up on the group date. Here's the deal, Lauren H is going to be the first girl to get a solo and not a rose next week. They ruined it in the trailer. Ben is going to say something about how he sees their relationship as one of 'friendship.' It's a shame Ben will never get the chance to titty fuck those CANNONS.

Marry

Leah- There is an old saying that 'time heels all wounds.' This is why I am adept at sleeping with my ex-girlfriends and why I have now moved Leah into marriage territory. Sure, she hasn't really done anything memorable since her ill-fated football hike in the premiere episode, but she also hasn't embarrassed herself. Leah is just hanging around being hot. Meanwhile IRL she is all over Instagram just loving the Broncos. I like girls that like sports. Leah seems like a homie. I feel like I could come home on a Friday night after a hellish night at work and she would take one look at me and say "is it a Fireball night?" I would just nod excitedly as she grabbed my favorite script and chopped me a line. This is all I really want in life.

Lauren B- Lauren B is Shailene Woodley and I am Miles Teller. Lauren B is a good natured person with a heart of gold and I am a degenerate, but for some reason it just works…at least in the romantic comedy version. Something about her look makes me want to clean up my ways and travel the world with her. But instead of using her frequent flier miles to go to Yacht Week and bong vodka until I'm vomiting out of my nose; I want to go do a romantic getaway to Tuscany or something. I want to lay in bed all day. IN THEORY it works, but it's only a matter of time before I fuck it all up.

Jojo- I mean she's a total babe, actually has her own career hopes and dreams…and she shares the name of my first dog. It was always going to be Jojo. Somehow she gets the weakest dates but always crushes it when she's with Ben. Jojo is the somewhat attainable girl next door and I think I'm falling in love with her. I'm still not a huge fan of her unicorn head entrance, but after I saw the UnREAL pilot last night, I'm willing to assume that was the work of a diabolical producer. If Lauren B or Leah take the win, Jojo is your 2016 Bachelorette and by the way, I just submitted my paperwork to appear as well. Do your worst Shiri Appleby, try to take me down and I'll pull a Kylo Ren.