Royal Wedding

If you happened upon this page for a review of the Fred Astaire/Jane Powell musical classic, I urge you to leave immediately. This is going to be a quick rant about British people and stupid American Women. (Although after a quick IMDB I can tell you that Royal Wedding was nominated for one academy award...it lost)

I would like to apologize about the light posting this week. One of my idiot roommates felt the need to take our wireless router with him to Mexico so I have been stripped of internet access at home. One of the engineers as Apple decided that Ethernet ports weren't necesary in 2011 or that wired connections are for poor people and do not agree with the positioning of the Apple brand. That said, Tuesday I was too worried about the Hawks to write anything, and Wednesday I took the day off to drink in Wrigleyville...although if you follow me on twitter you were probably wildly entertained by me telling Finn Hudson to go fuck himself after several pro-Canucks tweets. That was the highlight of my creativity thus far this week.

Without internet at home this week and a limites roster of roommates to hang out with I have been watching a lot of TV. Bad TV. Do you know who bad tv appeals to? Lonely old women. Do you know what lonely old women will be doing tonight? Watching coverage of the Royal Wedding, excuse me while I go make myself some tea and order a fish and chips from the local football pub!

Wow of all the things in the world I couldn't give a fuck less about this may top the charts. Tomorrow the world will celebrate a privilledged little shit with a receding hairline marrying a slightly above average looking commoner. OMG it's like every girls dream! To marry a prince! I'll be a princess! I don't know what I hate most about this story, the fact that it has half of the world captivated or the fact that it will obviously spur 3 more sequels to "The Prince and Me" franchise. Holy shit Julia Stiles lives on a farm and some guy that says "brilliant" a lot falls in love with her. This is like putting Peyton Hillis on the cover of Madden 2012, it just gives false hope. (I don't care how many Idaho state rushing titles you have, you aren't going to make it bro.) At least EA had the decency to at least make him look black on the cover as to not promote to many false dreams.

Next order of business: Kate Middleton is not hot enough to be a princess. This idiot could have picked pretty much anyone in the Western world to be his wife, and he chose someone that I would tell my friends about banging but I wouldn't necesarily brag for 2 weeks. She is a decent looking Brit. Why didn't he have Tony Blair call up Keira Knightley and have the following conversation.

Tony: Keira, it's Tony Blair, the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom.
Keira: Oh hello sir, to what do I owe the honor?
Tony: You are pretty much the second hottest British woman behind Liz Hurley so we were wondering if you would like to be a Princess?
Keira: Oh I don't know sir. Prince William is great, but I could never follow in the footsteps of Lady Di and I am terribly busy with my acting career...
Tony: No offense Keira but nombody say Never Let Me Go and Atonement was 4 years ago...you would own every Flamingo in the country.

Boom. If that was the case, today's blog would be one of supreme envy. Even I would sacrifice my firm hairline for an eternity with Keira Knightley...it also sounds somewhat ironic Princess Knightley. Is she married to the future king or is she one of his men. She's actually neither, she is a porn star because she had a bad agent and her role in the POTC franchise is over. She may have a few Jane Austen adaptations left in the tank that will premier on BBC 2, but trust me, she will be getting jammed by an aging Peter North at some point.

I saw an outstanding tweet the other day about someone inquiring what Prince Harry will be doing this whole time. That's the real story, younger brother, never going to be king, kicked out of the military...a real wild card. He kind of reminds me of the Craig character from the Stephen Lynch song "Craig Christ" Harry will probably show up with a couple Vietnamese hookers on each arm and a bag full of the crown's most royal bud. He will also get shitfaced and conduct an orgy with peasants, it will be a lot like an episode of the Tudors. But if Showtime wants to air an uncut special on PH's antics sign me up. Otherwise, come 4am I will not be waking up to watch coverage of the royal snorefest, I'll be closing my tab at Mcfaddens and coming home to take a 3 hour nap before work.

Excuses to drink: NHL Playoffs

This past Thursday I threw on my Kaner jersey and went to McGee's. I proceeded to watch a heartbreaking Pacers loss follwoed by an absolute prison rape of a hockey game. (Hawks pitching Luongo catching, hard and dry) It's not that unrealistic to think that I would have had 24 beers on any other Thursday evening, but unfortunately my counterparts here in Chicago aren't all as awesome as me. Thus sometimes they need an excuse to drink, and the week night doubleheader is one of the best.

As I stood there with my patchy Toewes-esque playoff beard, and running up a tab that would probably equate to a nice 30 year mortgage payment on a house in Detroit, I realized why I like hockey. Hockey, probably more so that other sport encourages rowdiness. It is intense, has lots of fights, shit talking and features lots of jumping and screaming after a goal. In basketball someone might have a cool crossover followed by a dunk. In hockey a defensive player may catch a slapshot to the face and lose 15 teeth while the puck will bounce off said mandible to Kaner who can slapshot one home all in one motion...(excuses self does stunt man to celebrate the radical nature of that scenario)

What I am trying to say is that not only are hockey players the most bro athletes in all of professional sports (see: Kane's cab incident, limo incident, 2 day hangover after blacking out at Lincoln Station) it is also a sport that makes everyone want to go out and party. How kick ass was last spring and summer, watching every game at a bar, beer showers after every goal, drinking a water bottle full of everclear during the parade. This is what sports are about, not city pride or respect of the game...getting fucked up on a Tuesday night, and having an excuse to do so.

Tomorrow night with be Game 5 of the Pacers/Bulls and Game 7 of Hawks/nucks. That coward Luongo will be back in net and I have a feeling the Hawks will be sending him to an early grave via suicide (probably by pills because that the pussy way to kill yourself and we all know that native Montrealeans are pussies) Joe's on weed has quarter beers and 5 dollar pizzas, but stay in the front room after 10 pm unless you have ties to the latin kings esse.

In my projects: Old Town

Meanwhile in a very important city planning meeting...
Alderman 42: Well what the fuck are we going to do with these 1000 unemployed homeless crackheads?
City Planner: Zero lot line housing on the city's near west side?
Alderman: No, these people don't deserve free houses, and we've fucked with Oak Park enough already.
City Planner: The prisons?
Alderman: Overcrowded, we already let rapists out if they promise to stay away from playgrounds.
City Planner: What about a high rise tenement style apartment building?
Alderman: Projects.
City Planner: Um, ya...
Alderman: And where do you propose we put this?
City Planner: Southside obviously...
Alderman: No you know what, fuck Alderman 43. He fucked my wife back in the 80's and I've always wanted to get him back, let's put a steaming cesspool of heroin needles, violence and prostitution right in his back yard.
City Planner: OK, we'll soften the blow by naming it after the first American saint, Francesca Cabrini.

Welcome to old town the only place in Chicago where you will find actual projects as well as Joe Perillo's 12 lot Greek mansion. (If it was any tackier I would swear he was...well, let's just say he has bad taste)

Old town is home to the famous bar district around North and Wells and also two of the most badass street festivals all summer: The old town art fair, and the wine crush. (These are seriously fucking insane I have watched people go into portopotties together out back of O'Briens during a cover of Dave Matthews Crash...blog to come when seasonally appropriate) It's hard to get a feel for the residents of old town. They are slightly older than the Lincoln Park hooligans, but not as chic as the yuppies who have saved enough loot to go down to gold coast/river north. Also there is a large portion of old town that overlaps with Lincoln Park. (Halsted, North Ave, Armitage, Wells that box indicates people live technically in both and is one of the wealthiest rectangles in the city. Some people that live in this box actually have front yards and have summertime frat parties...what?) This is a contrast with the housing south of North avenue which is quite a bit more diverse...and once you get to division, you better be handy with the steal if you know what I mean.

Great restaraunts, classy bars, and more than a few historical landmarks I would qualify Oldtown as one of the most generally well liked places in Chicago...I would equate it to the way people felt about the movie Caddyshack. Most people loved it, but it's probably not your favorite. Faux sophisticated people will post up at Benchmark, Old Town Social or Fireplace and brag about how they are "doing something different" or "Ya I'm kind of over Lincoln Park." These same people will be cabbing it to either Hangge Uppe or Beaumont later, guaranteed. That is after they can stand after 3 large lemonades (read: Hairy Bear) on a Thursday night...

So Old Town is kind of boring, except for the fact that Twin Anchors IS the bar from The Dark Knight where two face takes the shot of whiskey and it leaks through his face (so metal) but other than that, some classy bars and two wild weekends its just a nice place to drink, eat and live...so let's focus on the next chapter of the saga from earlier.

City Planner: Cabrini has to fucking go. We need to knock it down like...yesterday.
Alderman: What the fuck happened this is an election year!
City Planner: White kids from Lincoln Park were getting their heroin and cocaine from there. Most of them were robbed only, some murdered, some od'd on bad stuff.
Alderman: Well fuck...where are we going to put the residents. Can we just knock it down with everyone still in there and say "oops?"
City Planner: Are you high?
Alderman: A little...
City Planner: Well we're back to our original problem. The state is broke, we can't build shitty housing on the South or West side, and the only place that has available space, with abandoned buildings in the state is...
Alderman: Is what?
City Planner: Urbana.
Alderman: Like the Urbana next to University of Illinois...isn't that a little close to campus? We don't want a bunch of heathens running around AIDSing up the Coeds via rape and dirty needles.
City Planner: It would move the problem out of Chicago.
Alderman: I went to Iowa.
City Planner: I went to IU.
Alderman: Fuck 'em do it. U of I sucks.

Yes, the moral of the story is that U of I sucks and Unofficial does too.

Unreality TV

Meanwhile at the offices of TLC...
Exec 1: I just don't know if 5 shows about lady cops is enough...
Exec 2: Fuck that more shows about unexpectedly large families...
Exec 1: Do we already have a show about midgets?
Exec 2: Several
Exec 1: What about a show about people that eat toilet paper?
Exec 2: It premiered last night, set a record too.
Exec 1: Gypsies...
Exec 2: Arranged marriages of gypsies...
Exec 1: And we'll steal an existing piece of pop culture and call it my "My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding"
*High Five*
Exec 2: I'll call the hookers.

But you will watch them. You pathetic brain dead retards will watch them, or your menopausal mother, or your next door neighbor with 9 cats or some severely depressed person that just wants to know that some people are more fucked up than they are...they will tune in. And I get it, it's weird, it's different, it's quasi-fascinating to see how some people live. In some cases its like looking over at a mangled car crash to see if you can spot a mangled body or an impending explosion. But then why all the stupid ass shows about cakes? Do you know why everyone in this country is so fucking fat? Because middle aged women sit in their living room fisting themselves while watching 3 consecutive hours of gourmet cake construction...and I love how they always throw WARS into the title to make it sound that much more intense.

...and the shows with lots of kids. What a bad example they are setting, I bet every meth head couple out there thinks that if he just knocks up his wife enough times Discovery is going to knock on their door with a million dollar check and "put them on that there television." That's how it works right? And they might even have a better chance if she is on crack at the time of her child birth! "Crack Babies coming to TLC this fall." Anything relatively bizarre to the mainstream these days gets a fucking reality show. Is there really a market for a tv show about Mall Cops? Well Paul Blart did half a billion internationally so let's capitalize on Kevin James' fart jokes.

Why would people want to watch Teen Mom, 16 and Pregnant, I didn't know I was pregnant. I think it would be much more interesting to watch them in the act of their whoring, perhaps a nice show about the bullshit they fell for that made them spread their legs in the first place. That could possibly give me a good chuckle. These people are exploited for being white trash and as unentertaining as I find it, I can't believe the moral conscience of America hasn't turned on the networks for shoving this trash down our throats. Reality TV is going to eventually destory scripted TV and then all we'll be left with is midget todlers in tiaras saying yes to the dress while their fathers are out pawning shit that they hoarded. I hope that will make everyone happy.

I mean if we are going to completely say fuck it why don't we turn this blog into a realtiy show?

Me: Well it's like Real World meets Intervention meets The Hills
Exec: How so?
Me: Well everyone parties every night but technically has a job, they all probably belong in rehab and they spend a ton of money and hang out with attractive people.
Exec: Are there midgets, incest and swamp loggers?
Me: Not always...
Exec: Fuck it, I'll take a pilot if at least one of the characters has an abusive father.

Well it would at least be better than Sarah Palin's Alaska? Seriously I'm sure the Mormons would love it, since that's what it's all about right? Seeing how the other side lives? A bunch of desperate housewife types strung out on lithium want to see the struggles of poverty. Middle class kids fantasize to sailing on Brody Jenner's yacht, everyone is intrigued by what they don't have. Perhaps that's why I hate reality TV because I have it all, or perhaps I'm just pissed off that I never made it on Real World and that's why I want reality TV as a whole to go fuck itself. Whatever the case, I'll keep watching The Bachelor but only because talking about girly TV shows is a great way to insert yourself into a conversation with random hot chicks.

Should I stay or Should I go

You should definitely fucking go.

Really that's all I should have to say, but for all of you indecisive faux adults out there who think "college was fun but it's over and I'm looking forward to a really relaxing weekend here in the Chi" please allow me the next thousand words to convince you.

First of all you are not an adult. Yes you have a degree and a job, you also have your parents cosign on your lease, you are unmarried no kids and you won't be for much longer. What are you going to prove by staying home this weekend? How mature you have become in the 22 months since you graduated? Do you think staying home this weekend will make people forget about the 12 guys you slept with senior year or the gallons of vodka you would chug straight from the bottle before passing out and puking yourself on the front lawn? Get over yourself. If you want to go rage your face off for a weekend, just do it. Don't worry about what people will think of you, fuck them. Who decided that 2 years out you can't behave like a child anymore? Everyone has an excuse, I would love to go but...but what? But you have developed a rare form of cancer and have 48 hours left to live? We should all be so lucky to go out with a bang race day morning? You're out of money? Last time I checked drinks at Kilroys were about...free. 5 dollar beers at State on a Monday night? 5 dollars will get you a 64 ounce drink full of 8 shots pretty much anywhere in Bloomington. Go lift up the floor mats in your car, you can find like half of that, go find your roommates "adderall straws" that's like 4 drinks at Bluebird.

You'll be too hungover at work Monday morning. Monday will suck, Tuesday won't be fun either. Come Friday though, you get to lay around and be a bum all weekend while your parents cook and clean for you and shower you in Easter presents. (If you don't still get an Easter basket you need to tell your guardians to step their fucking game up)

But enough of your excuses, I want you to close your eyes and imagine race day your senior year. You were probably wearing an obnoxious shirt hanging out at a frat receiving constant beer showers. Earlier in that week you tied 6 double decker boats together and walked a fine line between maximizing BAC and staying afloat. You probably did backflips off the top and came within 4 inches of Greg Louganising your head on the pontoon, but you didn't care because you were having the time of your life. You invented stupid drinking games on the spot, you filled supersoakers with vodka, you wore plastic risky business shades, you chanted "fuck the cutters" you spent 12 hours straight at Kilroys dressed as a raging douchebag.

Check your closet I'm sure you still have a pair of sperrys and an old frat tee. Girls you probably have the fanny pack from that 80's party on the Tuesday of Lil 5 08. They're waiting for you. Monday is going to suck whether or not you are hungover (until 8 pm at least when an all new Gossip Girl premiers) won't it be a little bit better if you can cling to the madness of your previous 48 hours. Isn't that 4 hour drive south on 65 going to be loaded with anticipation? Are you going to tweet when you are at the College exit and go straight to Kilroys with no idea about sleeping arrangements? Has it ever stopped you before?

Look the weather is going to be shitty, the weather was shitty at DMB in 06 too, but it fucking killed. This weekend is going to be one of your last chances to go to Bloomington and be completely irresponsible, sure you can go to homecoming next year, and maybe even force little 5 next year if you have a younger sibling. But I am telling you, this is our last stand as youth. This is the last time it will be socially acceptable to sleep on a bench in chapter or with a random on Foster Jenk 3. Do you want to be the one sitting around for the next 6 months hearing about how much you missed out on? Or do you want to be the one telling the stories. Maybe you will make a memory this weekend that you will never forget the rest of your life. But you will never know if you don't go for it.

It's Thursday almost lunchtime, just an average Thursday in the real world. Start an email chain, make your afternoon exciting. Put it out there, who's driving, who's coming, where are we going first, where are we passing out. I assure you the day will fly by. Call in sick tomorrow and come on down. I'll be there...who's coming with me.

Get Off The Corner

In the past several years Little Wayne has become one of hip hops most popular acts. Closely associated with witty word play, purple drink and prison sentences; his last 3 or 4 albums have all topped the charts. Call me old school but I still prefer the 16 year old Little Wayne of Hot Boys fame who uttered memorable lines such as...

Lil' Wayne in the twat have it hurtin and thumpin
They be like, "That n*gga small girl but he workin wit somethin"
Lil' Wayne on fire I'll smash on your boo before a hot girl bang

Yes when all of you were listening to Britney Spears, and post grunge 90's bands like Matchbox 20, I was spitting these lines of Guerilla Warfare in the back of bus 144 on my way to Belzer Middle School. (Funny how now I listen to post grunge 90's bands almost exclusively) But nevertheless the Hot Boys were the absolute truth, Juvenile, BG, Turk and of course Wayne were an eloquent quarter of singer song-writers of the urban variety (actually a bald white 40 year old probably ghostwrote the above lyric.) Now I think Lil Wayne just gets all fucked up and slurs over a cool beat and people interpret their favorite versions of what he might be saying and call him a genius.

However none of that is important, I just was lamenting on my old gangsta side. Weezy will in about an hour join the long list of *impressive* bands that have performed at Indiana's Little 500 race. College bands such as O.A.R. Yellowcard, Dave and Tim have played in recent years and while this was before my time I'm pretty certain I have heard tales of Red Hot Chili Peppers, Guster and even The Who playing headlining shows. In addition to that you have the rap concerts up on the extension and they are beyond atrocious.

My Freshman year 36 Mafia came to play AEpi and I'm pretty sure that some rich kid had his dad bankroll it for like 40 grand so he and all his buddies could tell stories the rest of their lives about getting high with Juicy J. They played for about 30 minutes sang 30 seconds of each song and the crowd was almost exclusively from Long Island. In fairness this was Saturday, I was beyond dead, maybe I was just too drained to enjoy the experience. I'll give them a shot next year when they bring...

Bubba Sparxx. Major mistake. Same rich kid had his dad bankroll this so he could tell all his friends he did meth with Bubba. Seriously this was the most atrocious excuse for a concert ever. That redneck idiot sat up there and sang that BOOTY BOOTY BOOTY BOOTY song 3 times, Deliverance twice and then fell over dead (actually that would have enhanced the show quite a bit.) Needless to say I'm ready to write off rap shows. I'm not going to pimp my own brand and tell you how sick Glowfest was last year, instead I'll write a review this year and let you know what I thought of Pretty Lights. I'm also excited to hear what people thought of Weezy and if he played any of my throwback jams from the 90's. (If he doesn't at least sing "Shine" I'm going to flip out even if I wasn't there.)

Moral of the story is that you really never know what you're going to get for a concert during Little 5 week. For all I know Wiz will kill it in the tailgate fields Friday, but what I would suggest to anyone who is planning on attending one of these this week, get your drinking done beforehand. The entire police force of the state of Indiana regulates these things, so sneaking in your ex, pot and flask may be ill advised. I'll be at Glowfest 2.0 Thursday night, and I fully expect PL to rock my world, hopefully it will yours too.

I'm going to try to post on a specific little 5 event every day the rest of the week so stay tuned for pieces on boats, race day, coming back as an alumni, or whatever else pops in my mind when I'm bored as shit at work or when I can't sleep at night.

Clang Clang Clang went the trolley

If you didn't recognize that as the opening refrain to "The Trolley Song" from Meet me in St. Louis, congratulations you didn't take a musicals class senior year to be with some chick. Professor Doty if you're out there Fuck you for not appreciating my analysis that the character of Satine was killed off because Baz Luhrman probably got screwed over by a slut early in his life.

No matter, I am not going to waste your time dazzling you with the knowledge that one picks up by taking C392 or living in a family that collects Andrew Lloyd Webber albums. I just needed a clever intro to talk about one of the most outstanding traditions of the Spring in Chicago, the party trolley.

Now once upon a time there were 20 people in a room, drinking excessively standing up and yelling. Some were shotgunning beers, some were taking shots, some were huddled by the window smoking cigarettes and blowing the smoke out the window. There was extremely loud music playing. At that exact moment someone spilled their drink on a girl's shirt. Surprised, she lurched back and bumped into another guy. Extremely intoxicated and off balance, he staggered and fell face first, and hit his head hard. But this bump in the head gave him the single greatest idea ever. "What if we put this party on wheels?"

The concept is ridiculous, let's load 30 people in a moving vehicle let them get as fucked up as they want and just see what happens? If you've ever been on one of these the ammount of alcohol brought aboard is enough to cure the desert's lack of humidity. And that's really all the trolley does all night, drive in circles while people drink for a fixed time period. 30 people 4 hours 10 gallons of vodka (in case you are going to uberdouche and be like only 10 bro? That's 20 handles...brah.)

So sometimes there are pit stops at bars, "woohoo we're obnoxious we're on a trolley and you fucking peasants are just at a bar? Does your barstool at LaSalle Power Company drive you down lakeshore drive? Nooooo...but my trolley does." *Slips falls, hits head on bar, bloodshed* But yes it's always fun to be obnoxious as part of a group and those that may hold them in contempt are just jealous. You know you want on that trolley, especially if it's a bachelorette party? "Bro, they're so trashed I bet they would like suck our dicks if we got on and stripped for them." <---- Don't be that guy. But if you want to try to board random trolley and tell a girl you are a pirate and you are after her booty, fucking go for it.

Sidenote...who the fuck legalized this? "Mr. Mayor, some company wants to drive twentysomethings around while they drink and party all night." Can we tie it to our city's rich history? "Um, we can make them look like the trolleys of the 1800's sir, and make the driver get a bus license" Perfect tax them outrageously and get it done. Nothing wrong with a hardworking American wanting to have a few cocktails responsibly while touring our fair city. We'll call it an alternative to driving under the influence.
Yep I'm sure that's how it went down.

So what else happens on the trolley, handjobs under smashed beer cases? Sure. Vomit in the Rock and Roll McDonalds lobby during a bathroom break...O yeah. The best part is the end though. I swear to god I think there is a rule that these MUST drop you off at the Hangge Uppe and there is always one or two that fall down the stairs and are immediately ejected. I usually look down at my jeans to find the familiar dark blue stain reminding me I've gotten so drunk that I've pissed myself, time to go home and call it a night. Anyway I'm doing this tomorrow, so if you se me circa 3am and our grinding seems to be getting a little moist, um ya that's pure passion baby.