Kickstart this

Everyone has been internet high fiving all week (plus 1'ing each other's tumblers probably) because Veronica Mars gave crowd sourcing a huge win. If you are unfamiliar with crowd sourcing and/or Veronica Mars that's because you aren't a tech obsessed web 2.0 faggot. Allow me to explain.

You are probably familiar with Kickstarter. Some jackass has a terrible idea, and you can make all of his hopes and dreams come true if you just donate $10 to the cause, you won't be charged unless he hits his goal. And you are a total dick if you ignore him and pledge nothing. So what I usually do is wait until the last minute when it's clear this person won't reach their goal...oh shit 5k away and only an hour left? I'll pledge 20 bucks and look like a fucking saint. But it will never actually hit my bank account because this Kickstarter campaign has FAILED.

Then with 5 minutes left, this asshole's mom pledges the other 5 grand so he hits his goal, now I just gave 20 bucks to some vegan tool in my office who wants to invent biodegradable jeans. Motherfucker.

Recently Kristen Bell aka Sarah Marshall was part of some campaign to make a Veronica Mars movie. (Apparently it was a cult tv show that ran for like 3 years on the WB in the mid oughts.) If they could raise 2 million dollars, they will make a movie. Thus, the power is in YOUR hands internet. In pledging you get silly rewards for each benchmark. 10 bucks you get like a movie poster, 20 bucks you get a ticket to an advance screening, 100 bucks you get a signed poster, 1000 bucks you get a SKYPE date with one of the cast members. OH GOD, I CAN'T wait to talk to the 5th billed character actor about how important my contribution was. And for like 10 grand (only 5 slots available) you and a guest get to go to A HOLLYWOOD PREMIERE!!!! OMFGGGGGG.

Basically any homeless person that hangs around the ArcLight Hollywood long enough gets invited to a film premiere, it's really not that tight.

But anyway, by making these pathetic middle class folk dish out their last shekel to fund this movie that would otherwise never get a green light, a win win situation is created. The production company has 0 risk because the movie has been funded partially (or entirely) by YOU! The fans win because they got to help revive a product they were still holding onto nearly 10 years after the fact. Nevermind the fact that the stars of the movie could easily scratch together that cash together to independently finance the film, the financiers (you) will never see a penny of potential film profit. I suppose I would hate this idea a little less if you were in effect purchasing shares of this film, but no, you're just helping nudge the process along.

So that's that. I guess it's not all bad, the people that are donating don't seem to be too upset about it and other than the fact that studios are now NEVER GOING TO FUND ANOTHER LOW BUDGET MOVIE when "hey, have you thought of Kickstarter? Veronica Mars raised 2 million dollars in 11 hours!" It's the other unintended consequence that scares me more.

This story was very fucking public. And it was celebrated as a win for the internet and the common man, you can vote with your dollars! Now everyone...even those that aren't high on internet/tech/start-up culture. They fucking know this happened. Every fucking jackass you know in the next year is going to hit you up with his retarded fucking kickstarter.

Subject: Help me fulfill my dreams.

Message: As many of you know, I have always wanted to help people. Early on I felt my calling in the medical field, but it turns out that a life as a male nurse is not as fulfilling as advertised. I realize now that my true calling is to be an actor, make people laugh and give others hope. Please help me fulfill my lifelong area  by paying for my acting lessons! Donate 10 dollars and I'll send you a video of me acting out a famous scene! 50 dollars and I'll write and perform a monologue for you! 100 dollars and I will thank you at my first Oscar Acceptance LOLZ! Thanks for helping me fulfill my destiny!!

I mean, you have got to be fucking kidding me. That bullshit reminds me of a scheme I once tried in college. I was studying abroad and I badly wanted to return for Little 5. I thought "how epic would it be if we just casually flew back to Bloomington to rage and then hopped on a plane back to Italy. It would be legendary, I would get a minimum of 4 blow jobs that weekend. So I pulled a alumni list and shot out an email to old frat guys asking for 1000 bucks so I could go back and "support the bike team." What. A. Fucking. Joke. We actually raised like 300 bucks before some guy ripped us a new asshole, seeing right through out bullshit.

I quickly donated all of the money to IUDM and abandoned the idea. But Kickstarter is making half cocked shit like that happen all day. I might as well say "I just had a bad break up with my girlfriend, please help me get over her by donating 1000 dollars to my Kickstarter campaign so I can finally realize my dream of doing cocaine off of a prostitute!

Srsly guys that's a more noble cause than your high school drop out friend who wants to revolutionize the caramel apple packaging business. It's a fucking joke.

Perhaps I'm just not into that whole "entrepreneurial thing." I mean I guess it would be nice to be able to sleep until noon every day without fear of being fired but I think people should just give up on their bullshit yakked out ideas and go work for a paycheck.

Or...you do it the RIGHT way and build a solid business plan and reach out to investors, banks, loans, establish strategic partnerships and work YOUR ASS off to make your dream a reality. But don't fucking lean on your friends and family's politeness to finance an idea you had while taking a shit. Look I want to sell scripts. I may ask you to read one from time to time. You are welcome to read it or tell me to fuck off, you can tell me it's good or that it's bad, and I will appreciate that a lot and some day you will be partially responsible for my success.

But you will never get an email from me saying "Hey, writing quality work when you have a full time job is really fucking hard, donate to my Kickstarter campaign so I can quit driving scripts around LA all day and sit around and actually write without worrying about how I'm going to pay the rent."

It's not supposed to be fucking easy, if it was everyone would do it. That said, if you do enjoy my blog and ever see me out and about, feel free to get me an IPA on draft and we'll call it even.

We Need to Talk About Tinder...

Well let's just dive right fucking into it. If you have been living under a rock for the past 2 weeks, there is a new Facebook app called Tinder. It pulls your picture and interests from Facebook and operates more or less like Hot or Not. It acts as a speed-online dating platform operating on near 100% superficiality, but you already knew all that because you are taking a shit right now scrolling through which girls you deem fuckable or not.

Now that we have that out of the way (if my 2 sentence explanation wasn't enough ask a friend, download it or read one of the other thousand articles written on the topic) let's move on. I haven't delved into the whole online dating thing at all which maybe I should seeing that I've been hung up on the same chick for like forever, but alas I think online dating is for the pathetic. If you can't go to a bar and charm a drunk girl into bed, you don't deserve to be having sex. But this Tinder thing blew up so quick to such universal generation Y fanfare, that I had to give it a spin.

I signed up and immediately saw that my profile picture wasn't going to cut it, I had some photo of a post blackout Mardi Gras picture with 7 dudes. That's not going to get it done, I know from personal experience that's an automatic x. So I spent 45 minutes looking through the depths of my Facebook photos and found 1 picture taken 3 years ago that makes me look somewhat cool and good looking. This is the first pitfall of tinder, I could have easily put on 50 pounds since then...remember this, this will be important later.

Ok, so now I have my picture, I'm ready to start Tindering. I believe the app makes some sort of effort to connect people with similar interests because on the bottom you will be told of your mutual friends and mutual interests. The problem is that my Facebook page isn't really a good reflection of who I am. I think all my Facebook says about me is that I like Boo the dog, musicals, The OC, Gossip Girl and has a quote from Wicked. It might as well say I love sucking dick. In fact, maybe I should just put that on there, and Tinder will match me up with some chicks that actually do. It's funny because our Facebook profiles aren't really a reflection of who we are, it's a reflection of what we want to be perceived as. I remember when I was much more active on Facebook I always tried to make myself come across as the cool guy (I play lacrosse and sail! Please mistake me for someone who has a house on Martha's Vineyard!) I don't know when I shifted into a flaming homosexual, but at this point I'm too lazy to change it...but that's really inconsequential, that would be using the assumption that people are using this tool to match up interests, in search of their soul mate.

They aren't. They are looking for someone attractive that is down to fuck...like right now (hence the mileage, I don't even fuck around with the 20 miles+ away)

So you start scanning the chicks, at first you are a very harsh critic. I would say the first 10 minutes or so I have a 10% acceptance rate. 8's and up only. But then after a while you get bored and anyone skinny gets the thumbs up. And then as I get more and more drunk (yes Tinder is the new lonely thing to do at a bar, its akin to checking Twitter and Instagram like 6 months ago) I just go on massive streaks of YES, until what do you know!!!?!?!?! A fucking match.

Her name is Diana and she lives in Brentwood...she's 18. Well now what the fuck do you do? I'm 26 and this girl is likely a Freshman at UCLA. Are you supposed to assume that any girl on Tinder that would say yes to a 26 year old has a fake ID. What kind of date are you supposed to take her on? I know in the movies they do coffee...but no fucking way. I'm too nervous on a first date, I need to booze hard. Do you tell her you will get her and her friends booze and throw a party at her parents house? Do you take her to a Runyon Canyon look out spot and get a handjob while looking at the stars? Is she about to ask you to her Kappa Alpha Theta Freshman Crush Dance? This is feeling very predator-ish.

I'm getting ahead of myself, I haven't even said hello yet. See, that's the thing. Saying yes to a match doesn't magically transport you to a Chattsworth Motel 6 full of her pleasure condoms. It just opens a magical line of communication with the other person, similar to double clicking their name in your AIM buddy list. So what the fuck do you say?

Me: I notice we both clicked yes on each other's picture meaning that we both agree there is at least a slight sexual attraction betwixt us. I can pick up some wine if you want to come over and watch a movie?

Ya fucking right...it's more like this.

Me: Sup?
Her: nm, looking at prom dresses...

I forgot...An 18 year old during the spring second semester means high school abort abort, pull the rip cord NOW!

But even if it's a 25 year old who I have friends in common with it's just destined to be a disaster. I guess you can lead with the, "Hey we have X friend in common!" "And YA I love Boo the dog too? Did you see his outfit today?" "We should hang out some time"

It's just a matter of time before I get hammered and start sending college blackout text messages like..."Where are you" "Come over" or the worst... "Wake up"
I don't know if that last one ever worked, I hope for the sake of that girl's father that no one ever woke up where they were, walked over to shingles with the intention of hooking up with me, only to find me passed out with half a Jimmy John's in hand.

I guess if you aren't a degenerate it could be a way to set up dates with someone that you are loosely connected with, but I see things from a more cynical point of view and think it's more likely I would ask for her snapchat name and then demand to see pictures of her tits. You know, cuz I'm like a really good guy.

This is just my opinion, I haven't heard a ton of reviews from friends, but I know one of my buddies set up one of the aforementioned scenarios and BOOM the chick that showed up was a whale. The photo was 5 years old, and he was fucking stuck. You can't just send her home at that point, what if she works at an agency or something and trashes your reputation. This is why I would suggest a little due diligence, check out all 5 pictures. An ugly person can fake it for 1 photo, much tougher to fake it for 5.
Conversely, I also have a friend who got a total clean score from Tinder. He basically used it like the gays use Grindr when he was visiting an unfamiliar city. Let's just say he saved on hotel accommodations that night. HEyooooo. And that's really what it is, it's a one night stand generator. Maybe you can use it to get phone numbers, set up a fun night out with good company of the opposite sex, but I think the prevailing theory is that if you say yes to someone you're saying "I wouldn't mind getting a bj from this person" (I saw that on Twitter somewhere, I can't take credit for that genius)

I suppose it's good for a laugh the way Chat Roulette was back in the day, I seriously doubt you will find your future spouse on Tinder but it can be flattering (or depressing) to find how many people "match" you...and what the hell maybe some night you'll be bored at home cruising Tinder and a beautiful 19 year old Persian will say yes...and then what do you know SHE initiates the conversation, and SHE happens to be at her parent's beach house in Malibu and is having a few friends over...do you want to come?

Ok so it's a fucking long shot...but it's better than playing Doodle Jump...and besides, is a dry handjob at Lookout Mountain really the worst thing in the world?

Winnebago man season 2 recap

I landed at LAX at 10:30pm smelling of a stench that I assume is not too dissimilar to that of a Vietnamese prostitutes merkin after a train of US sailors ran through her in the late 60's. How's that for a first sentence metaphor? It ended the craziest 2 week work span of my life. 2 cross country journeys in a 35 foot monster of an RV sandwhiched with 16 hour overnight filming days on a movie ranch in Valencia. If it weren't Friday I would sleep for the next 3 days...to make matters worse my power is out.

Winnebago Man season 2 has come to a close, and what an incredible journey it was. Taking interstate 40 this time afforded us the opportunity to explore the northern regions of Arizona, New Mexico and Texas. We saw the Grand Canyon, the petrified forest, Texas Tech University among generally awesome picturesque landscaping that an average Indiana kid is not accustomed to seeing every day. Before I get into the conclusion of the trip, and a neverending diatribe about life as I know it, a few thoughts on Texas Tech.

Texas Tech is definitely the Purdue of Texas. Not only is it a technical school such as Purdue, the people there are not attractive. In fact, I'm fairly sure you are not allowed into a bar unless you are 75 pounds overweight, have 2 packs of unfiltered cigarettes and have the ability to drink whiskey and chew long cut kodiak ice concurrently. This place is fucking gross. But at the same time, it's awesome. I thought I gave zero fucks, you should see this place, it's a different world. If you are an unattractive man with disgusting habits, you should move to Lubbock, I literally saw a skinny blonde holding her boyfriend's dip cup while he lined up a shot in pool. It's the kind of place where the amount of cattle your father owns dictates your coolness as opposed to how many sorority dances you have been invited to. But they have 2 dollar whiskey, so it's ok in my book.

Needless to say, coming from the land of 8 dollar beers I recklessly abused the cheap liquor...like to the point where I haven't gotten that fucked up on whiskey since I polished a handle of Old Crow on the dock of Emily Graham's lakehouse at Sweetwater 8 years ago. Thursday was fucking miserable. We were tasked with cleaning the RV that legit looked like it had been taken on Spring Break by a group of IU delts or something. There was shattered glass everywhere, blood stains on the carpet, missing shit, broken shit, pieces of shit smeared all over the bathroom. It smelled like decomposing corpses and was driving like a 1989 Honda Civic DX. Fortunately for me, I had about 24 Nerdist podcasts to take my mind off the fact that we were actually going to be returning this piece of property to someone who would likewise expect a group of 30something filmmakers to treat their precious camper with respect. ERRRRRRNNNNT! Side note: No one on a film crew gives a FUCK, with the exception of maybe the line producer, no one has to deal with the collateral damage ever again. So clearly the blame was primed to fall squarely on me.

If you watched my videos you are aware that the return did not go well. What I am about to post should give you a general idea of the mood of the RV owners. I was hesitant to post this, but then again, I'm not making fun of them, in fact I agree with them on all counts, perhaps their expectations should have been managed better but I suppose this is what happens when you accept money to rent something that belongs to you, you run this risk...

I am very disappointed in the outcome of this experience.  I know the simple answer is "oh that's ok, we'll pay for it".  But it's not that easy.  I really believed that the RV would be returned with minimal visible use.  That was not the case.

     - Corian stove counter top is missing.  Can it be matched with the counter top, I don't know

     - Rubber top step cover, gone

     - Rubber button that operates the slide out, gone

     - The reflector for the passenger side front blinker, gone

     - The curtains, wrong side out... ????

     - Left with a full tank of gas, returned with less than half.   I don't know exactly how many gallons it is low but the agreement says it will come back full or will be 

        refueled at a rate of $6.00 per gallon.

     - Carpet and floor absolutely filthy

     - We were told it would be cleaned, it wasn't.  It was full of trash and very dirty.

     - Not to mention that the rental check and the deposit check both bounced and I had to go to the bank and make a request that they be redeposited (I was charged

        a bank fee).

This is only after a brief walk thru.  We will do a more detailed look tomorrow, in the daylight.

Wait until they find out about the broken windshield wipers and the mirror in the master bedroom...

However the news wasn't all bad...look at THE ONE POSITIVE they took from the experience.

The one positive thing was the drivers.  They were very personable and friendly.  I felt like they were very capable and I trusted them.

BOOM! How you fucking like me now? I am personable, friendly, capable AND trustworthy. I may ask for a letter of recommendation. 

The thing is, both rv journeys were a good time...it was a grind, but I'm glad I did it. I saw now that I would never do it again, but after a shower and a night's sleep in my bed I realize it beats the shit out of going into an office and staring at a computer screen pretending to care about things like "bottom line" and "sales quotas." I guess the real question is what's next for me? It is a liberating existence to write constantly, ride my bike around the beach and then occasionally do something random for a few grand so I can sustain my lifestyle for another 30 days. Some of you may envy aspects of my lifestyle, but then again I'm also a guy that doesn't have power in his apartment right now (if you have a roommate moving out and a utility is in his name, do not wait until the last day of the month to deal with it) and if I got hit by a car or something tonight when I'm drunkenly stumbling across the street my parents will be on the hook to pay my hospital bills in cash (gotta get that WGA card for insurance son) but every day continues to be an adventure. 3 weeks ago I was just getting over a mardi gras hangover and since then I have made a movie and driven an rv 2000 miles across 4 states, twice.

What will tomorrow bring? Well it's possible that I will get hired to write on a tv show or it's  more likely I'll stare at my phone waiting for that call that will never come and I'll instead keep pounding bottles of 2 buck Chuck and writing my take on gen Y one script at a time (actually I know for a fact that tomorrow, being Saturday, I am going on a hard bender, watch out)

That said season 2 of Winnebago Man is likely the last...unless there is another horror movie being shot in LA that I work on that requires one specific RV 2000 miles away, but that's a long shot. But the great thing about this little web series that I do is that I can pretty much adapt it to anything. Someone is making a pogo sticking documentary and needs me to go interview a guy in Sacramento??? I can document that. A quaker actor in Illinois doesn't believe in flying and needs me to drive him to a film location in Louisiana? I can document that. I guess what I'm trying to say...if you find my somewhat aimless random life interesting, I can keep bringing the heat. It's great inspiration for what I'm actually trying to do (write) and it keeps things interesting for me when I'm super stressed or feeling down on my luck. This is the life and the struggle I chose, I could easily move back to Indianapolis and go work at some internet marketing company and probably have a pretty normal life...but where would be the fun in that? Thanks for watching.

Winnebago man day 3: night

As I approach the California border and my trip comes to a close I have several regrets about my trip. Why didn't I stop at the Odessa crater? Will I ever be in Odessa again? Probably not. What about Carlsbad caverns? I don't foresee spring break 2014 going to Utah (all spring breaks until I am 35 will go to mardi gras) that said America is a beautiful country.

Whether it be looking across the rio grande at the shanties in Juarez, Mexico from the apparent safety of El Paso or red rocks peaking out of the Arizona desert (although this trip they were white and snow covered) this country kicks ass. Yes in the future if I rv across the country it would be more fun to not drive 12 hours a day. Stopping and going on more side adventures is something I would be interested in. Definitely hitting up the crazy sub-culture of rv parks will be a must next time (although Walmart camping is pretty great too, you never run out of beer) but I'll take this trip again some day and so it right.

We traveled 1800 miles in roughly 36 hours, we encountered hurricane force winds, sandstorms, monsoons and freak blizzards while components of our vehicle literally started falling apart. I consumed 478,000 grams of protein strictly from jack's links beef jerky nuggets and am additional 20,000 calories thanks to my rockstars and sour patch kids. During Bo's breaks he had the discipline to do some sort of workout routine in the back, me I just watched the world go by and made silly videos.

It's amazing how egocentric we can all be thinking the world revolves around us. If you have a shitty day at work, the world doesn't stop. The el capitan hotel in van cort Texas is still serving fried pistachio steaks. Mauricio at the Dallas love field radisson is still slanging Texas ipa's, and Bert at the south Tucson shell is still selling crack me open geodes to tourists driving through the American southwest.

In closing, the Gadsden purchase may not have physically expanded America by much, but I'm glad it exists, and I'm glad I came on this road trip. You always learn something about yourself and those around you when you go on a (somewhat) epic journey. Most of all I would like to thank all of you for joining me on my adventure, I hope to do something similar soon. And next time I promise I'll bring a razor. Ill probably do one more video wrap up in the morning or maybe type some additional thoughts once I get a keyboard (blogging from the iPhone yalll) but for now, be bold and always say yes.

Winnebago man: day 2

This is my first time blogging from my iPad, it's a mini so it kinda blows. Regardless, night one was rather uneventful. I listened to drunk Leslie's pool supply sales reps ponder the existence of God my whole flight (and which color toypedo is selling the best in their corporate accounts) and then had a nice dinner at the crown plaza hotel upon arriving at Dallas love field. (the midway of Texas) that would have been enough for most people, but Bo and I decided to walk 2 miles to a gas station to get a case of beer for late night. If you are following the companion posts on twitter you saw that she had to slide the product through a bulletproof drawer. What better way to honor the former presidents of the country than getting shit faced on miller lites and watching pulp fiction?

Anyway, the rv is on its way to the hotel right now, I took my last adderall and drank 3 cups of coffee. Bo really wants to go to Juarez Mexico, he says that's where most of the tourists lose their heads. I just want to be in front of a tv come 7 eastern...but I kinda want to pick up an illegal too, just to add some chaos to the situation.

Winnebago Man Day 1 (Morning)

I like to think of myself as rather adventurous, at times even a free spirit. Therefore I've done some pretty bizarre things in my life. Thus far I've taken a solo vacation to the French Riviera to try to write a book, only to end up in a brothel with 8 Swedish girls I met at my hostel. That was pretty out there, but thats what happens when you roll to a foreign country on your own, you meet interesting people and do weird shit.

Then there was that time I emptied my checking account on a one way ticket to Austin for a float trip. After the weekend I had $120 in my bank account that I liquidated for a $119 plane ticket back to LA the next day. (The remaining dollar was spent on a McDonald's double cheeseburger) With no tangible assets left to my name, I figured I would sleep on the streets for one night, I mean how bad could it be, millions of people do it every day. However through some sort of miracle I discovered couch surfing and slept in a stranger's guest room, drank her beer and got a ride to the airport at 4 in the morning. It was an incredible experience and I would eventually write my first screenplay about this wild new social network.

And now there is today. I'm working on a movie and the script calls for an ultra specific RV, one that only exists in a small suburb of Dallas, TX. Now you may think that there is some magic transportation service in the entertainment industry that makes things apparate from point A to point B.

That is not the case.

Unless you call a PA taking a 1 way flight to Dallas to pick up an RV and drive it 22 hours back to Los Angeles "magic."

So that's what I'm doing today. Myself and some dude named "Bo" are about to go on a cross country adventure in a Winnebago. I have never driven an RV, my travel companion has no vowels in his last name, needless to say I am fucking thrilled. This is just the type of adventure that I live for...a journey of epic proportions. Needless to say I will be chronicling my entire journey west on interstate 10. My boss has given me a wad of cash with instructions only consisting of "be back by Thursday" whatever we do in the interim is completely up to us. Whether that be making a pit stop at a frat party in Tempe or finding a random RV park and completely immersing myself in the culture. I have no idea what the next 72 hours holds in store for me but I assure you, you will be kept in the loop.

I'm not sure what kind of internet access I will have in rural West Texas, or New Mexico, but I will be chronicling every single detail. I might end up in Mexican prison, I may detour to Vegas, all I know is that I get a real thrill out of the great unknown. Some people fly first class internationally for business, I fly in group C on Southwest and then spend 3 days driving an oversized vehicle back to Hollywood, it's just the life I've chosen.

So prepare for Due Date 2 (I suppose the stakes are a bit lower since we aren't dealing with child birth or anything, but I have a feeling this guy is going to be quite the Galifinakis character his email has "bong" in it) and come with me on this quest.

Mind you I have never driven anything larger than a sedan before and my New Orleans trip has left the Adderall well dry. Red Bull friends I know you have today off, feel free to leave a case outside my apartment. I'm leaving the office in an hour.

This should be interesting...here we go!

131 dollars a week

There comes a point in everyone's life where they figure out what's important and what's not. You learn how to prioritize. When you work in my industry, you work on a show or a movie or a commercial, it ends you go to Vegas or something bang a bunch of hookers come back take 2 days off and start on something new...OR SO I THOUGHT.

Recently many of you read all of my exploits about Mardi Gras and blacking out and sucking on boobs and having seizures in the airport while waving a finger at horrified toddlers whispering "don't turn out like me." What you didn't read in that was that during my vacation I had the diligence to follow up with diligence several times on the "job" that I thought I had. That's because it didn't happen because I'm retarded. During said Mardi Gras blackout I thought, if I just keep drinking, turn my phone off and make it back to LA alive, everything will work out.

Well as you might have imagined, it didn't well not yet at least, but that's ok because I have a little bit of money saved up in the bank, the number one song in the nation is about how awesome it is to be poor ("Thirft Shop") and I live in Venice. My lack of current liquidity is basically celebrated in this neighborhood. People around here don't congratulate each other on their successes, but on their failures.

Guy 1: "How'd rehab go?"

Guy 2: "Not well! I'm back on the wagon"

Guy 1: "My man! Let's go under the pier and shoot up.

If you've never been between jobs before, let me tell you a little bit about it.

The first week is AWESOME! You work out every day, you read on the beach, go on 50 mile bike rides, listen to porn with the volume cranked ALL the way up and get so beyond black out every night, you start to think that you'll never work again. You sleep until noon, get Thai massages. The world is your oyster. I mean shit I wrote 2 pilots and squeezed in a vacation and that was just the first week!

And then you realize the following Thursday when you don't get a paycheck...oh. Well that sucks. Then everything that you were doing that seems awesome makes you start to feel like the world's biggest degenerate. Sleeping until noon, beating off and playing 7 year olds in Halo starts to seem pathetic. The calming effect of working out, going to the spa, starts to stress you out because you aren't busy looking for a job, and drinking by yourself just turns plain sad.

BUT it's ok...this is California. My president is black and the liberals won, HANDOUTS FOR DAVE! I mean isn't this just sweet payback. Me, a bleeding Republican my whole life is finally going to benefit from these social programs I have so often denounced. I marched my ass to the unemployment office (somewhere an elephant shed a single tear) and although I was conflicted I took the Romney defense of his tax records. "Hey if it's within the legality of the rules, wouldn't it be insane NOT to use them to my benefit." And basically I decide that this little life loop hole is going to be able to let me write full time, which I warp myself into thinking will actually HELP the government. I'll sell a script faster, I'll get rich faster and then I'll pay them thousands if not millions of dollars in tax revenue.

I'm starting to feel better about all of this.

I get to the guy at the counter all proud, speaking articulately so he knows I'm better than the rest of the schmucks who got fired for smoking crack on their lunch breaks. "Hello, I'm here to claim by benefit."
He takes a look at my driver's license and types a few things into the computer. "131." He replies stoically. Oh, cool...so is that like my ID number or something? "No, that's what you get per week. Next in line." No, no sir...there must be a mistake. I work in TV. "The state's broke son, you're lucky you're getting anything at all."

131 dollars a week...? That won't even cover half my rent! What happened to my life as a full time writer? This is BULLSHIT. This whole red/blue political debate is about $131 a week???

It's ok though, I hold my head high. I am crafty, I can get by on $131 a week...how's that lyric go? "Only got $20 in my pocket?" Well if I were to break down my 131 into a daily allowance, surely I could be holding an Andrew Jackson every day right? Wrong. Only got $18.71 in my pocket...this is fucking awesome! Except it's not. Now all my time that I was going to spend writing awesome coming of age dramedies about college frat guys trying to grow up (has it become obvious yet that every feature I write is some version of me just in a different setting) is going to be spent on Craigslist looking for MTV reality shows that pay audience members $100 a day, sperm banks that prefer blondes and maybe god forbid another tv show to work on.

And it's all good though, because it's all just creative ammunition for me. Such an inspirational story he survived on less than 20 dollars a day! All he could do was ride his bike, surf his board and write in a steno notebook (saying macbook ruins it,) hoping one day he would catch his big break.

You know what though? I'll come out of this on top because I always prevail. Shit I mean, I can take some cash bribes from contestants on "The Roommate" next week, I've got some savings bonds I can cash in, stock I can sell (and not even get taxed on capital gains HOLLA BACK RED) and I'll probably get a job next week. It's only been 10 days.

And the last time I checked 7 11 was selling 2 four lokos for 5 bucks. Shit that's 13 dollars left over 3 trips to Taco Bell a day? See...I always win.