I used to think that I was pretty hip with the times. And
although my personal opinions are not necessarily shared by my entire
generation, I have always thought that this blog gives a certain voice to at
least a sub-sect of my constituents. However, as of late I’m feeling that my
views are becoming more and more skewed. Whatever ad agency was put in charge
of putting together a character profile of a typical twentysomething sure as
shit didn’t interview me.
Like many of you I was surprised by the film remake of 21
Jump Street. I found Jonah Hill surprisingly charming, and Channing Tatum
actually made me laugh a few times. One of the running gags through the movie
is that James Franco’s little brother is the leader of the popular group and
deals drugs…but he is also extremely socially conscious and open-minded. At the
time I thought, “oh that’s so funny, the screenwriter is taking a shot at kids
these days for being soft pussies.” But as I continue to evaluate my
surroundings, it’s actually happening.
Over the weekend I got yelled at for throwing an empty beer
can in the trash as opposed to the recycling. Are you fucking kidding me? I
mean I’m not going to hate on recycling, I don’t want to destroy the planet,
but come on. This whole push for
sustainability is kind of nauseating to me, and in California it’s the worst.
Electric cars will always be lame, but I find them somewhat enticing because I
would rather contract a non life threatening strand of skin cancer than
continue to fill up my tank to the tune of 70 dollars once a week.
It’s becoming increasingly obvious to me that maybe I just
don’t have a heart, but when a recent study showed that people were 70% more
likely to purchase something if the company had a charitable element to it or a
give, I almost choked on the veal I was eating (don’t even get me started on
the 5 degrees of responsibly farmed meat at Whole Foods…I’m eating something
that was once living, I don’t need a little biography on how it was raised and
killed on the wrapper) Like really Tom’s shoes? It’s great that your product is
currently hip and trendy and only costs about $40. I used to pay $120 for a
pair of Jordan’s to achieve a similar result, social acceptance. But don’t
think for one minute that the fact that you pay hippies to wander into African
villages and dish out shoes to the local tribes has any effect on my decision.
In fact if you offered a $35 NO GIVE product, I think it might become a best
seller. I prefer my threads to be made in sweat shops if it will positively impact
my personal bottom line. Those bro tanks at Urban could be sold for $10 less
easily if they just exploited Taiwanese child labor.
I don’t know who to blame for the softness of our
generation. It’s not like I’m a tough guy or anything, I watch Gossip Girl,
Glee and basically anything else on the CW. Television is probably to blame. A
bunch of girls in the Midwest grew up watching Sex and the City and they think
life is supposed to mirror a day of Carrie Bradshaw. Take brunch for example.
When did this become such a big deal? I used to remember two things about
weekend brunch. When I was with my family, it was a way my dad could entice me
to get out of bed and go to church. If you go to church we can go to Bob Evans
or something (how Indiana is that.) When I was with my friends it was about
racing to McDonald’s in time to catch the breakfast menu. (I secretly always
sabotaged this mission so that we would arrive at 10:32 because I preferred
their lunch offerings. I still do this.) Now though, it’s like brunch is a rite
of passage. I understand it forces you to get out of bed and start your day,
but really it’s just an excuse to put on oversized sunglasses and look hungover
in a really sceney place. Ohh, look at that table, they look like shit. They
must have had a wild Saturday night. Brunch isn’t about the 20 dollars you
spend on scrambled eggs and one bloody mary (obviously you order alcohol at
brunch so you can tell people about it later) it’s about talking about the fact
that you went to brunch.
“We were
soooo hungover but then we did bloody’s at brunch at Flake. We saw Megan, Ally
and Ariel they looked like shit, hahaha”
I miss the days when girls wouldn’t leave the house until
they looked perfect, now they roll out of bed, throw on some yoga pants, a giant
pair of sunglasses and an oversized t-shirt and roll to brunch.
You know when brunch works for me? Bottomless mimosas. I
swear to god I have never once gone to a bottomless mimosa bar and let that bar
profit on me. Here’s a little pro-tip. If you chug your drinks with enough
tenacity the server will throw her hands up in defeat and bring you a bottle of
champagne and a pitcher of OJ. But then again, that’s not brunch, that’s day
drinking.
What happened to the dive bar? Everything that attempts to
cater to young people these days is so nice and new and fancy. 12 dollar
signature cocktails that look beautiful, impeccably garnished tapa plates…quick
question, has anyone ever been served a plate of food and said “wow these
portions are too large.” You know what you can do with leftovers? Throw them in
the garbage? But these faggy tapa plates leave me craving 4am burritos…a
situation in which everyone loses.
Once again, Carrie Bradshaw is to blame for this. It’s so
hard to find a bar anymore that has 2 dollar pints, a juke box and a dart
board. I’m sure this joke is worn out but if you are a bar pretentious enough
to call your bartenders “mixologists” go fuck yourself. People are in such a
rush to be older and more sophisticated, I just want a Beaumont on every corner
with a dj that puts “Bangarang” on an endless loop.
Again living in LA, I’m probably jaded because of the over
the top nature of many of the things I complain about. Even the fucking food
trucks out here are a pretentious scene. 16 bucks for a lobster roll? No thanks
you are a fucking concession stand on wheels. But it’s a thing you see. What
did you do last night? I hit up the food truck lot. It’s more of a thing than
saying, I went to pick up a lobster roll to go.
I don’t mean to be a curmudgeon, I just wish the world we
lived in was a little less Thought Catalog and little more Bro Bible.
Fortunately for me trends are cyclical, I live in Venice where dressing like a
homeless person is sort of en vogue and I don’t really enjoy shaving or doing
laundry so I’m doing just fine.
No comments:
Post a Comment