The Broeller Test

Sometimes it is hard to live in LA.

When I was growing up all I really wanted was a new video game once in a while, an occasional trip to Disney World and as I grew older at least a semi-annual hand job.

Then of course I wanted to get decent grades, drink copious amounts of alcohol and for my dick to work when I asked it to.

Mid twenties rolled around and all I really wanted to be able to do was pay the rent and fuck around.

When I got to LA, I thought white guilt was the hangover you get when you do too much cocaine, I had no social agenda and didn't really give a fuck about anything or anyone out of my tight knit sphere of influence. (It's like a form of selfishness where you care about others, just not strangers…I'm sure this has a name, ah yes…apathy)

You can imagine my confusion now when I read articles written by straight white men about the plight of the gay athlete or how it's a shame that women and people of color are underrepresented in the media. Yet whenever you give that response of indifference you are heralded as scum.

Sample responses I would give to these socially charged questions:

'I don't care that the gay NBA guy didn't get signed, maybe he was old and not that good anymore.'

'Ya, I guess that sucks that there aren't more black tv writers, I wonder if their dads were auto mechanics instead of Jewish Hollywood producers, I don't know, it doesn't sound like the worst thing that has ever happened.'

Basically, I don't fucking care.

But you can't be indifferent! You have to choose a side! The indifference of good men is what led to the holocaust!

First of all, comparing the plight of someone who faces a few more obstacles in their professional career to genocide makes you sound fucking retarded 

Second, let Hitler be a cautionary tale of what happens when you give short people power.

The thing is, I am fucking sick of political correctness, people feigning concern for the social well being. If you want to be socially conscious and really care, that's fine. But shut the fuck up about it, writing an op-ed piece about how Chris Kluwe should be given a medal for his LGBT activism is akin to posting pictures of your fucking baby. No one cares to see it, but some people may pretend to so they can fit it to an increasingly "high brow liberal" society.

A while back, some cartoonist illustrated a satire piece called the Bechdel test. The rules are simple, in order to pass, a certain piece of media needs to have...

1. At least 2 female characters

2. That talk to each other

3. About something other than men.

You would think that is pretty easy, but only about half of the items applied to this test pass.

In recent years, other spin-offs have been attempted...
There is Deggan's rule:

1. Two non-white human characters

2. In something that isn't about race

Or MY FAVORITE Russo's Rule

1. At least 1 LGBT charachter

2. That is not solely defined by their sexuality (include a tranny but don't focus on the tranny!)

3. The removal of this character must drastically alter the story (didn't know we were having such a problem with the token throwaway gay character)

So basically to pass this series of tests you need to have 2 Asian women talking to a gay banker about the optimal time to refinance their mortgage, seems like thrilling stuff!

My argument is why is any of this bullshit necessary? Some of these rules are so flawed, it's laughable. I would imagine that a show like Orange is the New Black scored very high for the GLAAD community, but it is in chief violation of a major rule. If Piper is not a bisexual, there is no show RUSSO RULE 2!!!! I just wish that people would chill the fuck out and just enjoy something at its face value. The goal of every writer should not have to be to effect social change, it should be to write something interesting and entertaining. I'm sure Wolf of Wall Street violates all three of these tests, but is that an indictment on the film as a dark comedy, satirizing wealth and excess?

I don't write a lot of female characters because I don't know what it's like to be a girl. When I do write a female character she is usually a love interest of my male character and reflects my dream girl...but dream girl often never has another female character to talk to because that would require me to know something about female-female relationships.

For the same reason I write very few gay, minority or short characters, it's not that I don't think an LGBT character can be compelling, it's because I would do a poor job constructing it. It would end up a caricature of modern stereotypes. The gay guy would love broadway, the black dude would love dropping N bombs (but man oh man do I love that word, maybe I should start writing more black characters to have an excuse) it's just not a reflection on what I know.

I've said a million times I'm not a great writer, just a good story teller. I think if you and I had the exact same crazy experience and were then asked to talk about it, I would do a better job. Maybe there are imaginative minds out there that can put themselves inside the body of someone else, I can't.
For whatever reason I'm really into realism, and as much as I hate Lena Dunham, it's one of her best strengths.

Why isn't there an Asian guy and a black girl in the show? Because I hang out with white kids. I think that's a fair answer, now you can tell her to make a wider variety of friends, but that's a different debate.

FORTUNATELY...
I am here to save you all.

I have created a NEW test, that should put an end to all the bullshit...

1. There must be at least two characters...

2. That curse frequently, often insulting one another and/or describing sex

3. And casually drop derogatory slang terms about non-present minorities.

Then you come up with brilliant scenes like this...



Now tell me that doesn't feel authentic as shit to you? You perhaps had similar arguments with your friends growing up, and perhaps even made one of your friends name into a gay portmanteau.

Regardless, it feels less forced than a mixed representative group straight from central casting, people need to worry about their own problems and stop crusading for social justice.

If you are a female writer and you don't like how women are portrayed in film WRITE SOMETHING BETTER. If you are a minority and don't like how few of you are working as television producers, don't write a long form article outlining the long and tragic road of non-white authors, write a fucking spec.

Maybe it was just a breath of fresh air to spend 2 weeks in the midwest where people still give less than half a fuck about this stuff, but I needed to get it off my chest, I hope you found my points reasonable and fair, or maybe you think I'm just a self-centered fucktard that is detrimental to the goodwill of humanity, but whatever you think, I hope you at least find me honest. Good day.