25 things you're never too old to do

I have largely been on the fence about Vice since I started hearing about it a few years ago. On one hand, their TV show is the tits, they go into active war zones and give a limited amount of fucks. They took Dennis Rodman to North Korea and made him become homies with Kim Jong Un. They are criticized by mainstream media for their reckless abandon which could easily lead to one of them being killed. But that's the beauty, they don't care. Oh 60 Minutes doesn't want to interview a terrorist leader? Pussies.

On the other hand, they are a bunch of tatted up Brooklynites that represent everything I hate in this world. I swear to God, Shane Smith was sent to this world merely to torture me. In a world of bearded hipster fucktards, this clown is their self-appointed leader. Thus, I'm torn. I tend to avoid their articles because, well I, just can't stand self-loathing white people crusading for social justice. And they write shit like this and then parody their own take down piece a week later.

But I can live with that. I understand hating the group at the top. Not everyone gets a bid. Not everyone spends half a decade in their early 20's getting blowjobs from perfect looking chicks.  Not everyone graduates debt free from college because their dad has a nice white collar job. I get it man. It is probably annoying to see a bunch of dudes throwing around trust fund money at a Brother Jimmy's with a bunch of girls in size 0 jeans on a Saturday afternoon. You were just there for the chicken wings man. Who gets fucking bottle service at 11am...at a sports bar? I get it dude, seriously. I hate the Yankees for the same reason. Go back to Brooklyn, you're safer there.

I digress.

Today Vice published an article about all the things that you can no longer do once you turn 25.

It is not a good article.

I did some digging to try to figure out why the article was so bad. I came up with two possibilities.
1.) The author appears to be British (I think it's a straight male, but it could be a girl or a gay guy)
The European experience may be a little different than the traditional American maturation process.
2.) This is a fucking guy that JUST turned 25 and is now on a soapbox lecturing everyone about what not to do, since he is so wise now.

Really, there is no more set-up necessary, let's just go through it, find out for yourself. Try to keep the rage in check.

1) Doing Drugs to Impress People

Any time I've ever done cocaine, I just want to call my parents. Once, while smoking weed, I watched as one of my friends very slowly pissed herself. Is that what drugs are supposed to do? Either way, it's not for me. Not anymore.

If your thing is getting fingered in a cab by a dude with coke on his hands, then please, by all means, go and do that right now. I'll even hail one for you.

Good for you man. You don't like drugs. That's very strange that one of your friends pissed herself because of marijuana...especially slowly. Usually when I piss myself it is extremely quick, like when I'm in a massive port o potty line at a festival and I can't possibly hold it any longer so I bail out and piss behind a tree, sometimes I pee myself before I can make it to said tree. It blows. And did you say anything? Or just like let her wet her pants. That's fucked up. Way to just like let us know you've done blow before, by the way...you know, just to let us know you're cool. And since when does casual drug use lead to getting a twat numbie in the back of a cab. That seems pretty hardcore man. He closes with saying...

There's no point doing drugs after 25 unless you're in it to win it, so unless you're a full-blown addict, it might do you good to stop now. (It might also be a good idea if you are a full-blown addict.) 

Got it. Full blown addict or Mormon. (Isn't Vice supposed to be like pro weed?) Usually when I do drugs people are very unimpressed, does this absolve me?

2) Being ID'd

Being ID'd is fucking lame man. Like fuck this guy for you know doing his job and following the law. God forbid this bartender keep me from my Oatmeal Stout for 2 more fucking seconds. UGGGGGGH, dude no I'm not 21, I'm 25. Huge difference in an adolescent male. I bet you wouldn't card me if I had my beard. Fuck it, I'm growing a beard. You should just pour my shit and risk the fine pal. (This is the beginning of a bar hate motif)

3) Eating Bread with Wild Abandon

Because gluten.

4) Trying to Understand Young People with Their Young-People Music

Who are you, fucking Andy Rooney? Give me a god damn break man, that Ariana Grande song with Zedd is catchy as shit.

5) Drinking Four Loko or a Jägergrenade

A Jägergrenade is a special kind of Jägerbomb that somehow incorporates a shot of tequila into the mix. A sidewalk slammer is when you drink a bottle of OE down to the label, fill the rest with Four Loko, and wake up on a stranger's lawn covered in mysterious contusions without your wallet or phone.

That's a very timely Four Loko reference, are they still in production. And this is very akin to his blow comment. Like listen to these RAD DRINKS I GOT FUCKED UP ON BACK WHEN I WAS YOUNG AND AWESOME, but totally don't drink anymore because I'm 25 and old. He doesn't even bother informing the reader that OE means a 40 of Olde English, you should just know that bro.

6) Panicking at an ATM

When you get to 25 you are so over this guessing game that it's not even funny. Fuck ATMs, and fuck banks. Fuck that tiny cash-machine troll who loves to deny you the ability to go see a movie or eat a decent meal. But also—crucially—fuck having to pay for a pack of Ramen noodles with a mug full of dimes. Basically, by the time you're 25, you should just take a few minutes to figure out how to manage your dough.

Ya fuck poor people. By 25 you should be eating nothing but filet and lobster for every meal. But for real, I see his perspective, you shouldn't need ATMs at this point, you can get a Four Loko and an OE for like 4 bucks at a 7/11 and most coke dealers take Square now.

7) Experimenting with a Haircut

Says this fucking guy...

8) Talking to Anyone Under the Age of 22

You must never talk to anyone under the age of 22! They are 3/5 of a person! Wait but what about your opening sentence?

I don't know how old you are. I don't care, is the thing, because once you hit 25 you absolutely stop caring about the age, names, and personal details of people around you

Ok apparently you stop caring about age UNLESS THAT MOTHERFUCKER IS UNDER 22. Presumably you are allowed to circle that person's 22nd birthday like you would a celebrity on the cusp on 18. Looking at you Chloe Moretz.

9) Engaging in Small Talk

Sometimes I get introduced to people and I say, "Oh, nice to meet you," and they say, "Uhhh, we've met before." That's when you decide to never speak to that person again, if you can help it. Think about it: If they were that good at small talk, you would have remembered them.

Instead of being embarrassed when you don't remember someone's name, just punch them in the face, because they are unworthy of your attention. It's their fault for being boring, it has nothing to do with the Four Loko you were drinking last time you saw her.

10) Taking Convoluted Subway Rides

11) Shopping at the Mall

12) Having Terrible Friends

No one takes convoluted subway rides or cabs to the mall anymore pal. I only take Ubers with my friends that are cool as fuck.

13) Bad One-Night Stands

Pretending to care about people's jobs in PR is the absolute definition of hell. Pretending to care long enough to seduce them, accompany them on a 15-minute cab ride, navigate their tiny, dark apartment, knock a lamp over, and awkwardly fuck them?

Honestly, I would probably rather go home and jerk off. But that wouldn't be a good enough story for my terrible friends.

14) Spring Break

If you're 25 or older and this idea seems appealing, I can't help you.

Ya man, taking a week off work and going on vacations with your terrible friends is probably a really horrible time.

15) The Bitter, Bitter End of a Night Out

Next time it hits 3 AM and you run out of ideas and someone asks, "Where next?" experiment with saying, "Let's go to our separate homes and sleep." Nothing good has ever come out of trekking through the snow to the only bar anyone can think of that might possibly be open.

But what about taking a convoluted Subway ride to a bar that might possibly be open. More likely to happen at 3am? Trekking through the snow. Heyoooo

16) Hangovers

When you get to be 25 and realize the solution is literally just "drink a glass of water" and maybe "eat a banana," you feel really, really dumb.

That's it? I can't believe I've never tried drinking a glass of fucking water. Seriously I hope this guy dies of AIDS.

17) Waiting in Line

Once you're aware of your own mortality, waiting in line to ride some spinning tea cups is basically impossible.

Waiting in lines is for peasants bro. I can't even.

18) Kissing Bartenders' Asses

I am sick of acting like the person handing me a drink is doing me some huge favor. I'm not your friend: This is a business transaction, and I'm not some 21-year-old who's not gonna tip you. Also, your job is to pour liquid into dirty cups, occasionally pick those cups up when I am done with them, and sometimes drop the cups in a stack on the floor. You're not Jesus, all right? You're a dude who wears a bottle opener attachment on his belt.

Second in the bartender hate series! I guarantee some bartender fucked this guy's girlfriend once. Good for him.

19) Not Having the Heating On

Wearing every sweater you own at once is not the adult option.

Ok so this guy really hates bartenders and people that have trouble paying the bills. There was one more things I remember him hating we'll get to it I'm sure.

20) Festivals

I went to Bonnaroo once when I was 20 and didn't have fun.

Cool story bro. It's probably because you didn't do enough drugs to impress people.

21) Utilizing Presents from Cheap Relatives

Your grandma/aunt/whoever was cheap for giving you such a shitty present, but you're even cheaper if you're willing to be covered in glitter and smell like a goddamn pineapple for a month to save $4. 

Your loving thoughtful family members that went out of their way to do something nice for you are SHIT. But if you actually use that gift, you're fucking worse.

22) Reading Blogs

LOL irony!

23) Pregnancy Scares

If I have to listen to another friend cry about how she might be pregnant, I'm going to kill myself. I don't know, maybe you should stop being mad at your dad and therefore fucking random ecstasy dealers you meet at bars

This guy is a goddam enigma, this is like a lazy slut shaming trope that I would expect to see on a sloppy Brobible article. Glad he got one more drug reference in though, just so we know he' cool.

24) Any Text Message Longer Than 200 Characters

But this blog post of 2000 words is fine.

25) Fingering
This obviously doesn't count for lesbians, but for straight people it's like come on. You guys can do p-in-v stuff! Fingering your girlfriend when you have a dick is basically really rude. It's the equivalent of loudly complaining about how boooring it is to play basketball when you're standing right next to a kid in a wheelchair. I hate you.

I didn't edit any of that. That's a direct quote. He actually fucking said Lesbians are ok. I'll bet the lesbians of the world are thrilled to have staff writer Joel Golby's permission to go ahead and FINGER AWAY.

And oh shit, that's the third thing he hates. Fingering of all things? Poor twentysomethings, bars and jousting below the belt. (Fingering is and always will be the shit by the way...with or without cocaine on your fingertips)

Conclusion: This guy is the fucking worst. I mean at age 25 you've basically been out of college for a little over two years. I don't know where this clown gets off, I certainly hope he's never paid to write again. He manages to be sexist, misogynistic and anti-youth all at the same time, furthering my suspicion that this article was actually written by Andy Rooney's ghost.

What's the deal with cell phones?

You're never too old to do anything. If you can physically accomplish it and want to, you should. This is your life, it is what you make it. You should never let anyone else tell you otherwise. 

And Vice, get your shit together, because as of now...ya suspect.