And then there were 6...ish. I don’t really know, I chugged
15 Fireball shots after the Badlands Massacre. My god it was amazing. I put it
right up there with Mountain v Viper or Jason Mamoa ripping that dude’s fucking
tongue out through his own throat; Maximus slaying an unknown hairlip Joaquin
Phoenix before dying gracefully in the arena. Chris’s double homicide of noted
c muscles Kelsey and Ashley I gave me overwhelming joy.
That said I think Megan was spared until next week,
hopefully she’ll give us one more spurt of unfathomable stupidity on her way
out. So let’s call it 7. There are 7 desperate bitches left. My girl (Samantha)
went home this week because she was too normal, thus I have created some rules
for the remaining women who might want to advance further in the competition.
11. No one gives a fuck about your story.
It was cute early, I guess. Stories of dead
husbands, daddy rape and accidental abortions…wait a second. Nothing about that
is cute. That is called baggage. No dude wants a chick with a bunch of
emotional bullshit. In fact, these are red flags, things that I actively run
from. Your husband killed himself? NOPE! Your daddy left you when you were
young? WHO IS PAYING FOR MY WEDDING? See ya! What I want to hear is, “I grew up
wealthy with 3 fun brothers who love to drink. My dad loves to sail and we have
a chalet in Aspen.” GIVE THIS CHICK ALL THE ROSES.
22. Shut the fuck up about your feelings and the
other dumb bitches
I understand it is important to have an
open line of communication, and there is nothing wrong with sharing emotions.
That said, the girls that are clearly in the lead right now are the girls that
like to do fun shit. Whitney got turnt and crashed a wedding, Britt absconded
to a country rock concert at a saloon in Deadwood. Having enjoyable experiences
is much more powerful than shitting on your competition or talking about a god
damn connection. You’ll get your sloppy
make out either way. Dating multiple women is fucking awkward, do not draw
attention to it, instead create a memory, it will go a lot further.
33. Stop Crying
It makes you look ugly, it makes men
uncomfortable. No man like a crying woman like no man likes a woman with short
hair. I don’t care if you think it’s trendy, it makes you look like a lesbian.
44. Stop being a female stock character
Nothing is more attractive than passion.
But all these girls must all think Chris is really fucking dumb playing into
the whole “I want 5 kids and I want to live on a farm in Iowa.” If you are
really looking for the one, a better answer would be “I am looking for someone
to spend the rest of my life with, we’ll figure the rest of the shit out later.
Oh and I’m also really interest in all this other shit, I love scuba diving, do
you want to hear about it?” We talk about the lack of “strong female
characters” a lot, and the lack thereof. It is because shows like “The
Bachelor.” These chicks sound like they want to spend the next 10 years of
their lives getting stuffed, pumping out kids and watching their bodies grow
flabby and gross…all while cooking pot roasts on a farm in Davenport. Kill me.
55. Kick out the epic mother fucker
If you aren’t Britt or Whit you probably
don’t stand a chance, so throw a hail mary and do something that will
ingratiate you to the rest of America. This whole show doubles as an audition
for The Bachelorette, right? Hijack a date! Chris is pathetic, but his dates
are even worse. New Mexico? The Badlands? I’m not opposed to all outdoorsy
dates. I mean I can understand going to Joshua Tree with a girl to take acid,
but songwriting with Big and Rich…the FUCK outta here. Tell Chris you don’t
want to go to a Mormon aquarium in Salt Lake City. Maybe plan some skydiving
instead, the producers will panic, it will be a whole thing and America will
think you’re a bad ass. It will probably
back fire, but maybe result in a part time hosting gig with E!
66. Get along with others.
This is like the first fucking thing you
learn as a child, how to share, how to play nice. No guy has ever woken up and
said, you know what I want in a partner? A chick that has no friends! This goes
by my general life rule of “Just be a homey, and everything will work out.”
77. Die gracefully
Do you remember right before Hank got his head
blown off in the penultimate episode of Breaking Bad? He didn’t cry, he didn’t
beg for his life. He said “Go fuck yourself!” It was that moment that Hank
became a legend in my mind and I turned on Walter White. Similarly, when Chris
dispatches of you on The Bachelor, smile and wish him good luck. My biggest
fear as a man is I will try to break up with a girl and she will refuse to go
quietly. These chicks that come back after they are dismissed? GAHHH kill it
with fire!
And again, see rule 3. Ashley made everyone
in America very uncomfortable doing whatever the fuck that was last night.
Reality career over.
88. Have fun.
Toward the end of Notting Hill, Julia Roberts
says something to the effect of. You know none of it’s real right? I’m just a
girl asking a boy to like me. That’s basically the premise of this whole show.
It’s a fucking joke. Have fun while you travel the world on the Disney dime.
Smile, get drunk with the other girls, Enjoy your dates with Chris, A positive
attitude is infectious and maybe, just maybe, it will help you wrangle yourself
a farmer.
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