To Crawl or not to Crawl

In college I used to SWOT analyze everything because it's funny and I'm a huge douche that wanted to remind everyone I was in the business school. (It was a little hard to get into at Indiana and we all had a massive superiority complex)

I would SWOT where we should go for lunch, I would SWOT whether to hook up with a chick. This is the type of shit that happens at a fraternity house in between dinner and drinking. (Along with guitar hero, FIFA and Risk)

I haven't done a SWOT analysis in a while and I think it's time to bring it back. For the uninitiated a SWOT analysis is a decision making tool using four factors: strengths, weaknesses, opportunities and threats. A business might use one when deciding whether to launch a new product or enter a new territory. The strengths and weaknesses represent internal factors whilst the opportunities and threats represent external factors…blah blah blah

Quick example: Portillo's is considering opening a location in Bloomington

S: 

Dopest fucking Italian Beef in the world

Regional Brand awareness

W: 

No existing regional infrastructure

High price point for college campus

O:

Exposure to new market

High demand for fast casual dining on college campus

T:

Extreme existing competition

Expensive beer/alcohol licensing

Reading that extremely brief breakdown you at least get an idea of a few of the considerations Portillo's would look at? In my opinion would they crush it? Of course, the Chicago contingent of Indiana University students alone would keep that place in business.

BUT THIS ARTICLE IS NOT ABOUT ITALIAN BEEF!

Every year, the first Saturday in December the Big Ten bar crawl takes place in Hermosa beach. I take a bus down from Venice, with a bunch of IU homies, it's awesome. Here is a brief history of my performance on the Big Ten bar crawl through the years.

2011: Kicked out of Hennesy's at 2pm. Take a cab back to Hollywood. Leave my phone in cab. It turns up 3 days later in Lancaster. Forced to drive 2 hours and bribe a small black child $80 to get my phone back.

2012: Kicked out of Hennesy's at 2pm. Am dragged to the bus. Vomit on bus. Left in some bushes outside my Venice Apartment. Miss a Passion Pit concert. Wallet mailed to me 2 weeks later.

2013: Kicked out of Hennesy's at 2pm. Uber home. Lose keys. Rent car for a week while waiting for my mom to mail me a back-up pair. Find keys a week later in a closet with my potato cannon and a sack of potatoes. Apparently I got home and wanted to shoot some shit.

2014: Kicked out of Hennesy's at 2pm. Remember nothing else. Wake up a day later in Santa Monica sans credit card. Show up to work and find out that I have charged $200 of shots to the About a Boy Season 1 AMEX. My Chase card surfaces at a Bristol Farms in Santa Monica. I find a Visa Sapphire in my wallet belonging to my neighbor. Apparently there was a misunderstanding with the cards. Chase wipes all charges for the previous 72 hours, About a Boy accountant sweeps my gaffe under the table.

I'm pretty consistently a disaster on the Big Ten Bar Crawl.

I'm getting older, it's becoming less acceptable for me to binge drink before noon on a Saturday. In fact the only real reason for me to go is to meet a bunch of 24 year olds to hang out with so I can feel like less of a professional failure by comparison.

I won't know many people on the bar crawl but it could still be fun. I have a spot on the bus, a ticket to the crawl and even a place to crash in Manhattan if things get out of control. All I have to do is get on the bus…so, is it worth it?

Strengths

If I have one skill it's partying, few people will dispute this. If I have a second it's being a Bro. A day time bar crawl through a bunch of divey beach bars in the frattiest neighborhood in LA is right up my alley.

I crush bar crawls. See last Wednesday. I'm a hero in large organized drinking events.

I crush party busses. I am money in warm lead-ins vs cold. ie. I am much more likely to pull a girl from a pre game than a bar, because everyone at the pre game has a tangential connection. Pregames on wheels are very aggressive, typically whoever shows up with the most outrageous booze is the coolest.

I have an Adderall prescription. This is a massive asset during a heavy day of drinking.

Quick takeaway: Fratty bar crawl with a crazy bus pre game = GOOD FOR DAVE

Weaknesses

I'm alone, so hopelessly alone. I will be the kid at the Ralph's sitting on a case of beer holding way too much liquor hoping someone asks me if I'm also waiting for the Big Ten bar crawl bus. I went on a bar crawl essentially alone last week and spent $300.

I have a track record for getting drunk and losing things. I already have a broken iPhone. Saturday morning I will have a brand new iPhone. Sounds dangerous.

I'm old as fuck (at least for the LA IU party circuit) my body has limitations. Day drinking flattens me for the next 48 hours.

When drunk I have no control of my decisions.

Quick Takeaway: I'm old and my body isn't what it used to be, I also will spend recklessly if I'm not having fun in an attempt to get people to like me. This is detrimental to my wallet.

Opportunities

New blood! My friends are slowing down. No one wants to go on the bar crawl this year, they'll probably go to Home Depot and buy gardening supplies. FUCK GARDENING SUPPLIES! It would be nice to meet some new people that share my disdain for gardening supplies. As they say in the biz, networking is everything.

Fun? It's supposed to be fun right? Drinking and shit talking other big ten schools? Have a crazy day and get some ammunition for a blog post that 400 people will read? That's essentially why I do most of the things I do.

Maybe I'll meet the one! Over a drunken slice of pizza at the Poop Deck! I'll shout something like 'PURDUE IS THE HUFFLEPUFF OF THE BIG TEN!" And this chick playing flip cup will respond "Ha, PURDUE IS A CAMPUS FULL OF MUGGLES!" And it will be love at first sight…or at least a sloppy blow job on an air mattress somewhere, dare to dream.

Quick Takeaway: Bar crawls are typically fun and a successful performance could help me expand my sphere of influence. Maybe there will be a Brobible writer there or something.

Threats

Rejection. Rejection by girls, by guys, by bouncers. I could go on this bar crawl and end up following around 2 or 3 guys I barely kinda know until they pair off with a few chicks and leave me in the dust. One year right before I blacked out after my third Four Loko I remember being kicked out of Baja Sharkeez and being told "I'd had enough." I think my eyes started to water and then the bouncer asked me if I was crying. I made something up. I told him my grandfather had just died, and I came on this bar crawl to cheer myself up. He said he was sorry but I would be a danger to myself and others if he let me back in. That was a low point.

Loss of…everything. I don't often lose things, but this bar crawl has been my achilles heel. If I go on this thing there is an extreme chance something doesn't come out. It's possible I wake up Monday morning with no wallet, no cell phone and an email from my dad titled 'MONEY.' This should be avoided.

I suppose there is always the chance that I'll think it's a good idea to do a pier dive in the middle of December. Drunk people don't swim well and Great Whites like the water a little cooler.

Herpes. Herpes is always a threat.

Quick Takeaway: Any way you slice it, going on this bar crawl is a major risk.

***

Well shit. After spending all day trying to break this down all I've really been able to come up with is that this is a high risk, medium reward proposal.

Of course there are things I could do to mitigate the risk. I could take out $200, leave my cell phone at home. I could go to the DMV and get a California Identification Card (we used to use these as fakes all the time back in the day) and worst case scenario I wake up naked on the beach, at least all of my valuables are safe somewhere.

And here's the thing, anyone I meet, anything I do on the bar crawl. I'm not going to remember. I'll save girls' phone numbers as Laura HOT or JeNebraska and then I'll never text them because what if they're fat, or I called them a cunt and don't remember. Best case scenario I'll have a fun picture on the Hermosa pier that will make a couple midwesterners jealous because it will be snowing where they are.

That picture won't even get that many likes. People don't like when they're jealous.

Also I'm sick right now. This might be a good one. Like the bedridden for 7 days and emerge 7 pounds lighter kind. This paired with my 29 days of sobriety in January, my God, I might look good with my shirt off by Spring Break.

You aren't going to believe this, but I'm making the adult decision to NOT CRAWL. I had my fun, I did four strong crawls. It's someone else's time to shine now. Pregame effectively and remember that American Junkie is the best bathroom for drugs. I have faith in you and I feel OK about passing the party torch to the next generation. I'll still check in on you, I'll be at the Parlor for big basketball games. But this Saturday…I'm sleeping in. I'm finishing Jessica Jones. I'm watching Master of None. I'm cleaning my room, for real like with a vacuum cleaner.

This Saturday I'm choosing to be an adult.

That is unless someone can convince me otherwise...