How to hook up in a hostel

So after your latest coke bender you decided you needed to do a sober month. That allowed you to scrap together enough cash for a shitty Norweigian Air flight to like your 9^th favorite city in Europe. Now after drinking Aquavit in an Oslo pub all night some Finnish chick has decided she would like to blow you.

That’s great! But it’s not like you can just stroll back to The Generator hostel and kick out all your roommates so you can pound some strange from Helsinki. No, this will be a challenge and I’m here to guide you through it.

Hooking up in a hostel is not too dissimilar from hooking up in your cold dorm. Except if you just blatantly go to town on the top bunk, don’t expect a high five from Fat Steve the spring pledge. No you’re far more likely to get a code red from Javier and his boys from Argentina. To save you this moderate discomfort, let’s get creative and explore alternate options available to you.

1.     Rec room

Every hostel has a rec room. It has pool tables, foosball and lots of comfortable couches for reading books and stuff. This is usually the first place I go when I’m traveling alone. I sit around drinking vodka until someone talks to me. It’s incredibly effective. It’s also a wonderful place to fuck. The last hostel I stayed in had a series of hammocks in the rec room. Do not attempt sex in the hammocks. It’s hard to even nap in a god damn hammock, it’s one of mankind’s biggest myths. Hammocks are bullshit. No instead bang it out on the pool table, makes for a better story anyway.

2.     Movie room

This one is obvious, as it’s likely that the first place you ever got a blowjob was in the movie room of your rich friend’s basement. There is also usually a smattering of American movies from the 80’s and such, so if you need to set the mood you should be able to throw on the ‘Take My Breath Away” scene from Top Gun. Full disclosure: you may not be the only one fucking in the movie room, but you weren’t the only one fucking in chapter last year for homecoming either. It’s basically an orgy, only international so better.

3.     Shower

Your hostel will likely have one of two set-ups. Either you will have like 8 bunks in a room, 2 showers and a bathroom…or there will be banks of showers down the hall. If it’s the latter treat that thing like the fucking Coachella campground showers, no shame. If it’s in your room, well I hope  Ani from the Czech Republic doesn’t scream too loud.

4.     Bathroom

Technically there is more room for activities in the bathroom than the shower. That said, hostels aren’t necessarily known for their 5 star meals so if you want to get it on in a bathroom that is shared between 8 to 400 people proceed at your own risk.

5.     Gym

Yes some hostels even have a small gym (that never gets used) so if you’re trying to get in a little late night cardio it’s never a bad call.

6.     Outside

Depending on the weather where you are this could be a fun option. I’ve had hostels with back patios, pools, hot tubs, beaches and nearby parks. Remember there is no open container law in most European cities. If you want to steal a bottle of Jameson on your way out of the pub and take it directly to some large public square with your slam piece, you are (mostly) within your rights as an American.

7.     Top Bunk

I mean if it comes down to it, you’re not going to say no. My advice get in, get out. No one is trying to have a premium sexual experience in a $14 a night room. Make sure your shacker leaves immediately and you should probably try to be gone too when all the roommates wake up. Maybe you’ll get lucky and they’re checking out today. But you know what? If they give you some funny looks, fuck ‘em. They can eat a bag of dicks. Should’ve had their ear plugs and sleep masks ready. You’re on a god damn vacation.