Two Weeks Notice

Guys, it was kind of a shitty spring. James Bond, Gregg Allman, Chris Cornell and Charlie Murphy (!!) died. The NBA playoffs were horrible. The United States government is spiraling down the toilet and the Lincoln Taco Bell closed. Millenials are killing Outback Steakhouse, Chili's and Buffalo Wild Wings and by proxy my home city of Indianapolis. Things aren't looking great at the moment.

But alas, have no fear. We are only two weeks away from the official beginning of summer and by proxy the greatest summer tradition to ever happen in any city anywhere, the Santa Monica Pier Concerts.

Oh, yes...as I reported several weeks ago even our beloved pier concerts were in jeopardy. But alas, as you can see at any random march or a Facebook status near you 'Love Trumps Hate' so in the end good prevailed. The concerts remain.

Starting on June 22nd, and for the following seven Thursdays, Santa Monica Beach will be transformed from a curious place in which people swim with their shirts on to a wine haven for the yuppies and cool hip families of LA's west side.

Oh there will be wine, as well as catered picnics, luminaries, flag poles and lots of #branding from Snap Chat. It's ok, they footed the bill for security this year, I like 30% forgive them for Nikki's now.

So here's the deal, every year I do some sort of preview for the Twilight Concert Series. Last year I profiled how drunk I planned on getting for each artist, but I'm going to let you in on a little secret; it doesn't matter. No, the Rolling Stones could be playing or a bad Jimmy Buffet cover band could be playing and it would be completely irrelevant. You can't hear a damn thing from the beach. Anecdotally I have heard that Khalid and Miami Horror are pretty cool, but again, you won't hear shit. As such, your preparation for every show should be exactly the same.

And that's why we are here today...

The following will be a checklist and Q&A that will cover every single pier concert this summer. You do not have to thank me, in fact your strict adherence to these rules are the only compensation I would ever need.

So, you're a first timer...what do you need?

A bike.

A BIKE!

Honestly, a million fuck yous to any westsider that doesn't own at least one bike. Honestly, what are you doing with your life? Buy a shitty one for $50 or drive to south central and buy a stolen one from a little kid for whatever change you have in your pocket. BUY. A. BIKE. People that try to drive and park are assholes, people that Uber or take the train are slightly less awful but can really jam up the group in the event of an after party. Also you will need a bike lock. A good one! One that can last the night in case you meet a chick at Big Dean's and she invites you back to her place. Also, never bike valet because they close promptly at 10 in effect ending your night whether or not you are ready to go home.

Wine.

Yes wine, in fact I would suggest two bottles per person.

TWO BOTTLES PER PERSON? That's absurd! Right? Well hear me out. As you will be drinking on the beach, you will likely be using your standard red, 16 ounce solo cup. For the ease of measurement, we will convert a 750 ml bottle of wine to ounces, of which it is 25. You following me so far? Great! When filling a solo cup, people will incorrectly eyeball the proper pour to be slightly more than half the cup, which is 10 ounces. So by this logic, one bottle of wine holds 2.5 glasses.

So...2.5 glasses may sound perfect to you, but what about your friend's asshole coworker that brought nothing wants a glass. She goes ahead and pours herself a 10 ounce cup of wine and has effectively co-opted 40% of your wine. FORTY PERCENT!?! This is why you bring two bottles. There will invariably be people that DO NOT bring wine that ask you if they can have 'just a glass.' Imagine if two people don't bring wine but want 'just a glass' that's nearly a full bottle. You bring two bottles to compensate for these asshats. Make it Three Wishes or 2 buck chuck, honestly when your cup is full of a half inch of sand anyway, you aren't picky.

A QUICK Q and A concerning wine:

I only want a little wine, do I have to bring any wine?

At least one bottle for you.

I probably won't drink, do I have to bring any wine?

Unless you are allergic or religiously forbidden, bring wine. If there is even a remote statistical possibility that you will have a single drop of wine. Bring wine.

But I'm bringing cheese and crackers, I don't have to bring the wine right?

Running out of cheese and crackers is moderately unpleasant, MEH at worst. Running out of wine halfway through the show is a straight tragedy.

But seriously, I am bringing the food...

If you have a very specific discussion with your group about who is bringing what you can be exempted from bringing wine. 'Everyone just bring something' does not count as a very specific discussion. 'I am going to bring 4 Bay Cities sandwhiches, 2 hard cheeses, solo cups, and a wine opener while you bring us 6 bottles of red, one bottle of rose and one white for the weird girl' is a specific conversation.

On food...

A picnic on the beach in theory is better than it is in practice. If you want to prepare a gourmet feast, be my guest, but in my experience, sandwiches, chips and cheese are usually sufficient. Dips aren't great because people are sitting Indian style on a blanket, the less reaching the better. Another thing that travels pretty well is pizza, if you show up with a few hot and readys you will get multiple high fives. Also cookies are always a hit because someone always busts out a vape pen around 9:15pm.

On comforts...

Blankets! Blankets are how you claim your real estate! Imagine all of Santa Monica beach south of the Pier as a gigantic Risk board and your goal is an imperial mission to acquire as much land as possible. Blankets are how you do this. You're going to need to get a first wave of people to the bach by 6 at the latest to start claiming some ground. Obviously people will trickle in all night, but the lion's share of the blankets need to arrive in advance.

And identifiable landmarks...

Later in the summer it will be pretty dark by 8 o clock and cell phones won't work on a crowded beach, it's next to impossible to find your friends. My solution? Get a flag pole and a ridiculous flag. Or sit next to someone that has this. 'Next to the Texas flag' is a lot easier than '45 feet west and 30 feet north of guard tower 33' (and that's if I'm giving directions, a girl would say 'by the guard tower')

The little things...

Solo cups
wine key
towels (for beach limbo)
plastic silverware (maybe)
a good camera (for fun!)
a backpack (to carry all of this bullshit)

Experts Only...
Ok so if you show up to the pier with a blanket, a fuck ton of wine, a bag of Kettle chips and a positive attitude, you will have a good time. If you want to be a god damn legend, here are a few things you will see.

Luminaries: You know those bags full of sand with a little candle inside? Some people do it for halloween? The Santa Monica elite will use these to outline their beach spots, and it looks pretty dope.

Tables: Did you know there are little picnic table things that are only like 10 inches high? They really improve the whole presentation of the whole thing.

Fatboy Lamzacs: Just Google it, they look pretty dope.

After the show...

So it's 10 o clock, the show is over, you're 2 bottles deep because no annoying coworkers showed up tonight and tomorrow is already a lost cause so you want to keep drinking.

Your friends that make more money than you will want to go to 41 Ocean because they are convinced it is cool. It is not. Also you will have a hard time getting in with your flip flops.

I recommend going to Big Dean's a fantastic shit hole bar that will be full of a bunch of assholes drunker than you. Just make sure to wait in line and not try any funny business because the one legged bouncer will fuck you up. Big Dean's will also close at midnight which is a good built in fail safe that should convince you to ride home. And oh my what a pleasant ride home it is. I've heard rumors of cycling under the influence tickets, but I'm pretty sure they're a myth.

Throw on a nice Dave Matthews playlist while you cruise home and then flop down on the couch so it's easier to wake up in the morning. If you show up 20 minutes late with a purple mouth your coworkers should understand, if not, it's probably time to quit your job and get one closer to the beach.

Let's have a fun, safe, pier season because it's always in jeopardy of being the last.