InstaGratification

I have not been honest with all of you. This whole time I have been masquerading as a guy who is good at drinking and average at getting girls to come home with him once before realizing they’ve made a terrible mistake. But the truth is I’m a superhero, or mutant rather for I have no heroic qualities, just a specific power.

I can read minds.

Seriously! I can read minds, and that helps me predict human behavior and at times, see the future. Here’s a freebie…

There is a show premiering this Fall on ABC called Blackish. It will fail spectacularly. Do you know why? Well because the writing is bad. And it stars tv ratings kryptonite Anthony Anderson. (That motherfucker got Law and Order cancelled)

But beyond that. If the writing were spectacular and the show about race starred a talented African American thespian like Idris Elba, it would still fail. Do you know why? Because I have used my special powers to read the minds of America and they give an overwhelming “MEH” to diversity based programming. But it’s a unique play that should get the ABC chairman a pat on the back for trying. To be honest, it’s genius. Disney can’t fire Ben Sherwood if all three of his diversity driven shows tank this season. Can you imagine the outrage against the Mouse? It would be much easier to can him if he greenlights 5 Modern Family spin-offs and none of them catch on. He has a Hollywood buzzword to hide behind, thus when his network falls to 4^th place, his job will be safe. Bravo sir.

So that may have been more of an inside baseball Hollywood rant. Let me try again to show my powers.

You all use Instagram right? Take pictures of sunsets and shit and hope to be validated by the “likes” of your peers? Social Media has become so much a part of the mainstream that there is a fucking show debuting this Fall called “Selfie” (also on ABC, also fucked) Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, we have begun to develop a sense of worth based on perceived recognition. There is a science behind this though. My blog doesn't get many likes because it's a guilty pleasure, people don't want to stamp their approval on the things I say (but I see my numbers, it's ok your secret is safe with me) However, certain things are more inclined to get you more reach. I like to do a bit more of a deep dive on what causes people to double tap certain photos while completely ignoring others and completely devaluing your personal sense of worth. So let’s get right to it…

      The Auto Like – God Bless the autoliker. You know this guy, he scrolls through his instagram feed and likes fucking everything. He is like Vince Vaughn in Swingers telling you “you’re so fucking money baby, you don’t even know it.” Do you know why he does this? Because he is not self-righteous enough to assess value to his likes. He just wants you to know that he supports you, whatever you’re doing. If you take a shitty picture and are looking at the pathetic possibility of a NO LIKE PHOTO, autoliker has your back. We all need an autoliker in our lives.

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     The New Friend Like – Meeting someone new is always exciting. And while we used to be content to ask for a number and then quickly divulge into a relationship of dick pics and late night “What’s up?” Now there is a new awkward stage, trading social media handles. 

Me: Ya, it’s my first and last name but you sub in BRO. No I know it’s really embarrassing, it’s from like 2012, ya I know that isn’t that long ago…whatever. Well I can’t change it because then people wouldn’t be able to tag me…Ok, there we go now following PLLfan2015

So now the polite thing to do is to like the next photo of theirs that you see. It’s like a phone call or text message the day after sex. And of course if things don’t work out you can wait a few weeks until it’s not obvious and then a subtle unfollow or this can lead into the...

 The New Girl Like – Ok so things went well with the new “friend” now you’re flirting a little bit.  She likes an old photo of yours…what does this mean? It means you are being vetted. Obviously she had judged your entire personality on your photo stream (and potentially your popularity) she’s not creeping, she wants you to know she’s looking into you.  If you’re serious about this chick you may want to take down the cocaine pictures you still have up from 2011.

          The Ex Like – So you showed up to a date with your chick rolling on ecstasy and she broke up with you because you refuse to grow up. It happens, we’ve all been there. But then she randomly shows up on your feed as someone that liked your sunset photo. What does this mean? It depends on the context. If you took a badass shot of the sunset off the Santa Monica Pier, it means maybe she thought  it was an awesome photo and the like is an olive branch. If you took that sunset shot last week, maybe it means she misses you. If you took that sunset shot last week…and you and your new chick are in frame…well she’s just fucking with you.

        The Vacation Like – Vacation likes are a game of cat and mouse. Like two women who compete over having the nicest house, most successful husband or prettiest baby. By posting a vacation photo you are basically saying, look how much more fun I am having than you now, I have the means, sense of adventure and ambition to be riding a fucking elephant in India right now, whereas you are at work on a Tuesday and masturbated in the shower this morning…poorly! BUTTTTT…you have to pretend to be happy for that person, it’s like Game of Thrones, nothing is at is seems. The only time I will empathetically “like” someone’s vacation pic is if it is somewhere badass that I have been, and I am genuinely excited for them to discover it. Or if someone is at a music festival seeing Haim, I’m fucking pumped for you. But if you’re just going to Aruba to bang your girlfriend for 2 weeks fuck you and those stupid stingrays that you’re swimming with.

    The #FoodPorn Like – Same as vacation. A bunch of self-proclaimed “foodies” will like your photo if you are somewhere that they have been, even though essentially any time you post a food pic you are essentially saying “look at this fucking lobster HOW IS YOUR EASY MAC BRO” That said, I will like any photo of a rare steak, or anyone that goes to Portillo’s. If you ate a rare steak at Portillo’s I would probably create a second account so I could like it twice.

   

     AWWWWW – Look at my new niece! Look at my new dog! Look at this new dress I bought! Sadly I don’t know who likes these or why. I can’t imagine anyone encouraging this type of behavior. Well, I mean except for the dogs and cats…I would never give a homeless person a penny but if I ever have a chance to help a cute animal in need, game over. I value animals over humanity.

    ACTIVE Lifestyle like- I for one genuinely appreciate people bettering themselves. We live in a badass world and I think everyone should spend as much time as they can, exploring it. THAT SAID. You know what most of your hungover friends are thinking on Sunday morning when you post your 5k time?  Click here if you don't see a video below 

    The Movie – Hahahaha you think in this Adderall attention span era people are going to watch your instagram videos? People don’t even wait for gifs to load anymore.

         Life >>>> All chippy bitterness aside, there are a lot of cool things going on in the world. Discovering a new brewery? Catching a big ass fish? Accidentally lighting yourself on fire whilst trying to grill burgers? This is what it’s all about, and if Instagram exists to capture those little slices of life, I will gladly take a peek into your lives while I’m sitting on the porcelain throne or in a conversation with someone boring at work. I use it as inspiration.

I once was at a hostel in New Orleans drinking a pint with an Aussie. He asked me if I wanted to ride in the back of a pick-up with him to Houston.

“No, I have to get back to work tomorrow.”

“No you don’t mate, you don’t have to do anything. If you don’t show up to work tomorrow, your boss might be pissed, you might lose your job, but we’ll get new jobs cleaning boats or something, and then when we get enough money, we’ll buy flights to New Zealand and pick cherries or something until we decide what we want to do next.”

That’s the way to live…I bet that dude gets a ton of instagram likes, and doesn’t even overly rely on hash tags.