Anatomy of a Hangover

It is almost never a good idea to begin your weekend on a Tuesday. (ILOVEMAKONNEN is full of shit) But this past week, that is exactly what I did.

I promise it started off innocent enough with a BYOB dinner to celebrate a friend quitting her job.

But then Wednesday I had one too many beers at trivia, and Thursday I drank all of the whiskey in Little Tokyo.

By Friday, I felt like shit.

I had two choices at this point. I could pull a Jon Taffer and shut it down, hoping that I would recover in time for my 4th of July party or I could try to sweat it out and double down on debauchery...

I stayed up until 6am drinking 40s and doing horse tranquilizer.

All of this before a 14 hour day of drinking in which the collective group I was with did 239 shots.

Ya, Sunday was bound to be pretty rough.

Hangover Day 1: Anxiety

The good thing about beginning your hangover on Sunday is you can usually cancel all of your plans and do nothing.

I woke up at 1pm on Sunday and proceeded to black out every window in my apartment with a blanket as I moved to the couch. Any time anyone would open the door and let the smallest amount of light in I would hiss like a vampire.

The next move was to order $25 of delivery Pad Thai that I would initially be too hungover to eat, but I would be keen to pick at for the next 12 hours.

I watched the US Women decimate Japan and attempted approximately two sips of beer before sprinting to the restroom to throw up everywhere. The euphoria of the World Cup win was short lived though, because no one can out run the scaries.

Yes, it was about this time that I remembered I had gone to a bar freeballing in gym shorts the previous evening. Gym shorts are good for holding tennis balls, not so much phones. So for the second time in so many months I had lost a phone...

Then the mood really turns sour as I remember all the work obligations that will crush me like a hurricane in the morning. Then I start remembering that I will be unemployed in 4 weeks and I really start to feel like a piece of shit. THEN I REMEMBER that I deferred a major tax payment to next month and I start to wonder if it was such a good idea to book a 2 week trip to Europe with all the financial obligations I have on the horizon.

This is what anxiety feels like. Will anyone ever love me? Will I ever have kids? Is everyone more successful than me?

Of course this compounds with 'Did I offend anyone yesterday?" 'Did I break anything?' 'Did I ruin all of my friendships?' IS MY CAR INSURANCE CURRENT? Oh fuck am I late on my credit card bill?

Fuck, my mom is coming next week and my room is a mess, my car needs to be cleaned, oh shit I'm supposed to go surfing in the morning. I can't...I can't fucking handle any of it. Quick turn on a sci-fi movie and zone out until...

Oh shit...I just woke up on the couch, it's 6am, I have to leave here in 2 hours, no...no it can't be.

Hangover Day 2: The Pain

I get into the shower 45 minutes earlier than I have to. Drought be damned I need a full hour of scalding hot water burning my body awake or this day is not happening. I get into the office and surprisingly nobody is yelling at me. I forgot, no one really gives a fuck about anybody but themselves, of course I can skate under the radar.

But that doesn't help the fact that my brain feels like it's in a vice grip. Every single movement I make only tightens it. If I could only remove part of my skull and let my brain just swell out, I'm sure the pain would go away.

Oh what's that? Removing half of my skull would be fatal? That might be preferable at this point.

I am now in day 2 of the hangover, the pain. See yesterday, I was still so fucked up that my body was impervious to pain. Now, there isn't an Advil/Caffeine combo on earth strong enough to tame this beast. What if I just took a fuckton of vicodin? Would that work? Maybe it would just knock me out? Maybe this is how celebrities die on accidental pill overdoses. It's never just straight up cocaine and booze that does them in, there are always some benzos in there. Best to stay away.

Water. Nothing but water, all day. I must've downed at least 5 gallons already. Can't that be fatal too? I remember reading a case about a radio station that did some promo that involved lots of drinking and no peeing. Oh but I suppose I am peeing. Anything to flush my body of the poison I filled it with the last 5 days. My urine looks like it would give Alex Mack superpowers. God I am gross.

I used to have a buddy that said the only thing you need to do to get rid of a hangover was shit, shower and cum. I've done all three today but I still feel like I was run over by a German tank.

Oh there you are Emergen-C my friend. What does it say here, take no more than two a day? That means I can probably have 5. Better do an Airborne as well for good measure. And oh hello Clementines, I think I'll have 10!

At least the day is almost over...holy hell it's only NOON?

I guess this is what happens when you get so fucked up that you leave a note by your bed in case you die. No, not a suicide note...and acknowledgement of overdose note. Jesus I'm getting to Amy Winehouse levels of partying, maybe I should go check out that doc and check myself into rehab.

But before I do that I better volunteer to go get the office groceries or something. I'll be back in 5 hours! I think I need some Narcan.

Hangover Day 3: The Fog

Well I fell asleep on the couch again last night, this time watching a Korean monster movie. You would think that I would watch something light to improve my mood. A carefree comedy might quell the nightmares, but really I just want to see people that are having a worse day than I am.

It is now 3am and I've moved to my bed, I am DRENCHED in sweat, my bed is soaked and I am freezing.

I think this is my 'fever breaking' you know, like the physical manifestation of this hangover leaving my body. This is my Exorcist pea soup moment. FROM WHENCE YOU CAME DEMON.

Now I'm just weak and defeated, but...but I'm back. Mama, what happened?

Well son, you were possessed by drugs.

Day 3 of the hangover is the least bad, but there are certainly lingering effects, I'm just dumb now. I'm slower, less witty. There appears to be a space in my brain that I used to be able to access that is just gone now, or broken.

Is this going to pass or is this just how I feel now? Is this what 'wet brain' is? Oh god, I've drank myself retarded or at least onto the autism spectrum. Am I going to say inappropriate things now? Have I lost my filter? Will people ask my friends if I have Asperger's?

Whatever. I'm mostly out of the woods at least as far as death goes...Not all the way but most of the way. I used to think that if you woke up the next day you were in the clear. Not true. Apparently people die in rehab all the time. Heart failure and shit...I should probably just drink some more water.

And take a Xanax.

Should I go for a run or something? Should I start asking around to find out if I need to apologize for anything I may have done while I was 'on one?'

What about the list of life changes I made on Day 1, all the things in my life I need to fix. Should I start addressing those?

Never doing drugs again, no drinking for a month. Open a Roth IRA. Start volunteering. These are positive things that can help me lead a happy and meaningful life. Maybe I can call a family member.

Eh, that seems too difficult. I snorted all of my remaining Adderall for recreational use on Saturday.

Maybe I should just get some rest.

Day 4
I feel fine, I hear there is a pier concert tonight. Let's go get trashed.