I have a confession to make...

Today is my half birthday. Being that I am over 5 years old, it should be irrelevant that I am now closer to 29 than 28. Typically, this would carry no weight in my daily life. Outside of a brief mental acknowledgement, I would move on and resume searching for leaked photos of Cara Delvingne. But today while driving home I heard my favorite radio host say that no grown man under and circumstance should send emojis.

Uh oh.

I send emojis. I do the smiley face. I do the little blonde haired blue eyed Aryan kid...a lot. I send the smiling poo. I send the fuck out of the beer glasses, the wine, the cigarette, the heroin needle.

I send the eight ball and people know that it means cocaine. I send the nose to indicate 'a Jewish person' because I'm slightly racist. Hell, I don't write descriptions anymore on Venmo, I attempt to tell a story entirely with tiny little pictures.

I have switched to the black thumbs up, because it's edgy. I send the ghost to chicks when I'm drunk and I want a naked snap chat. I suppose what I'm trying to say is, I am not a casual user. I don't send my girlfriend a purple heart emote once in a while to be cute. But I will send a blue heart after a Colts win, I'll send a Green heart to a chick if we're discussing Wicked. I'm not a dad begrudgingly appeasing his daughter. I like emojis. I look forward to NEW emojis.

You know the way a bunch of bleeding heart white people are passionate about that fucking lion?

That's how I feel about emojis.

But that's not the end...

For a while I could hide behind the fact that I used only Apple sponsored iMessage emotes, because well for a while you could only use them if you had the newest dopest iPhone.

But I have enlisted the help of a third party...perhaps you have heard of Bitmoji?

For the uninitiated, Bitmoji is a user-generated cartoon version of oneself. Then that cartoon guy can do things and you can send it to people.

For example...

Now, that is supposed to be me. He's got a pitcher of beer and he's ready to party. Sure it doesn't REEALLY look like me. I'm probably more of a 'regular' body type than 'athletic.' I probably went a shade too tan. My eyes aren't that blue, my hair isn't that blonde and my nose is way fucking bigger than that.

But subconsciously I do not want you to look at my Bitmoji and think "wow, how realist."

I want you to fuck my Bitmoji.

Or at least want to. I mean that purple hoodie was carefully selected. I spent HOURS on that hair style. And look at that pitcher. Notice that there are no glasses? THAT'S BECAUSE THIS FORMER FRAT GUY STILL HAS ENOUGH SPUNK TO DRINK STRAIGHT FROM THE PITCHER.

Do you like me? Of course you fucking like me. Where is option D "ALREADY CUMMING IN MY JEANS"

Ok, maybe I'm getting a little ahead of myself. The truth is, Bitmoji is just the most recent way the kids are flirting. If you are a single female (or male) and a single male (or female) of the opposite (or same) sex sends you a bitmoji it is because they want to fuck you. It's the same as AIM, BBM (PING!!!) Gchat, Fbook poke, Snapchat, emoji...this is how 'the kids' flirt.

It's ok, you don't have to be ashamed, it's fun. Go on, admit it. You like taking your relevant stats and making your animated doppleganger look like Captain fucking America. It's like using an old flattering Facebook photo, don't worry I won't tell.

Ok, so what we send some fun pics to our friends and chicks we want to bang, no big deal right? Everyone does this, even people into their 20's and 30's.

But that's not the end...

You can take it further.

I take it further.

I can invoke YOUR bitmoji and pull you into a comic strip.

Oh yes, I do bitstrips.

In this Bitstrip I am dumping a boiling pot of stew on my friend Sacha's head. I think this is funny because I don't take domestic violence seriously it presupposes I know how to cook.

The truth is, if you told me that in my late 20's I would be having Chalmydia scares and that girls would be throwing my shit out into the middle of the street because I'm a dick; this would have made sense. I did not imagine I would be sending cartoon versions of myself to the world.

I imagine there is some sort of psychology to the whole thing, but it probably has to do with doing whatever I can to hold onto my youth. Getting older sucks, I mean I'm going to Europe next week, but I also went to Europe 10 years ago without having to save money for 6 months.

I think I send emojis because it takes me back to a time before car insurance payments and taxes, it reminds me of the time when I was just starting to realize I like girls and the truly horrible ways I would hit on them. "If I hit this shot, will you show me your boobs?" The truth is, I am still as socially anxious as I was when I was 14. I will legit send a text to a girl I have a crush on and throw my phone across the room before taking a walk around the block DYING to know what the response will be when I get back to the couch.

I send emojis because sometimes life is too serious and it's fun to be silly once in a while. So a smiling poo to you and a black (light skinned) thumbs up. Don't be self conscious about your bitmoji game, keep that shit on point and let the haters be miserable by themselves.