Audition

There's a man wearing a bath robe. There is a guy in full Native American head dress. Perhaps he is proud of his heritage, maybe he's just trying to be memorable.

The guy next to me is holding a cane, so he's either a hippy or a pimp. Check that, he has Lyme disease. Holy fuck Lyme Disease makes you require a cane? This is why I camp in the desert, no ticks at Joshua Tree.

I'm pretty sure Robby from the Bachelorette is here. How far has his star fallen in the last three months. He was in a honeymoon suite with Jojo Fletcher and now he is here with me at an open casting call for a TV Dinner brand.

They call numbers, mine is 262. People go in for their 'interview' or sometimes a casting PA taps you. I think this means you are special or something. But one of the guys that got tapped was literally wearing cargo pants, maybe these people are just being told to leave.

I don't know what possessed me to come here, the story I suppose, certainly it has given me a degree of empathy. I understand now how soul crushing it can be to attempt a life as an actor. Any time I am up for a job or some sort of writing pitch, I imagine the absolute maximum amount of people I'm competing with is 9. 1 in 10 chance, not great odds, but certainly a chance nonetheless.  In here there are hundreds of people, some look like me, some do not, but the truth is there is probably about a 1 in 1000 chance that any person in here will secure this gig.

They just called number 240, shit man. Still 22 away. The guys next to me are all becoming best friends, I legitimately think one of them just suggested they form an improv group. He's got almost 800 followers on Twitter but if they collaborated maybe they could double it! Meanwhile all I want to do is smash some Taco Bell and go watch last night's episode of The Bachelor.

Why the hell didn't I bring a book? Or download a podcast. Instead I'm staring at my phone trying desperately not to make eye contact with any bored thespian that might want to strike up a conversation with me. I peek again at my information form:

Height: Tall
Hair: Blonde
Hand Size: Um big enough to hold a basketball?
Brain Color: (oooh what zany answers are they expecting here) haven't checked
Three words that describe you:  Currently Over This

I've done this before you know...not a casting call of sorts, but real professional acting. I was working on a movie once and an actor called in sick. The producers panicked, 'THE BUNNY CALLED IN SICK!!!! WHAT WILL WE DO? THE BUNNY COSTUME WILL ONLY FIT SOMEONE WHO IS 6'4!!! WHERE WILL WE FIND A TALL MAN IN LA ON NO NOTICE??"

Uh what?

All eyes were on me as I was instructed to drop the craft services in my hand and put on the bunny costume. I killed three people that day, two by axe and I was paid a $300 bump to my regular PA wages. For real, check me out playing a murderous bunny on 'The Houses That October Built." It's a micro budget horror movie on Netflix.

The worst part of my current predicament though has to be the fact that I am rotting away in the valley, which means after I do NOT get this commercial spot I will have an additional hour to drive home. Honestly if North Korea wants to conduct their nuclear test at the intersection of Victory and Alameda, by all means go ahead.

Everyone is on their phones telling their friends they are at an 'audition.' I chortle as in my mind an audition implies you were invited to come perform your craft. This was an open casting call posted on the internet for a Superbowl commercial featuring DEVOUR frozen foods, a glorified TV dinner for men that comment on r/GoneWild.

'Ya mama, it's a national ad...this could be huge for me!'

I was finally called in for an interview, along with one other hopeful named Pierre. Pierre was French Canadian and did not speak English. The young casting associate in front of us simply said 'Pretend like you just had the world's greatest bite of Mac and cheese.'

Well I have eaten lots of Mac N Cheese in my day. I would peg my consumption of Kraft Mac N Cheese boxes in the low thousands. It is one of 3 foods I would allow my mother to cook for me as a child (chicken nuggets and Lunchables Pizza)

I knew this was a super bowl commercial because one of my advertising friends had suggested I go, with this info in mind I did a touchdown dance. The casting associate seemed unimpressed.

Pierre's performance was much more memorable. He fell to the ground and had a seizure and then feigned death to the point that the casting associate flew out of the room to call for help.

Pierre popped up smiling.

'So good you die!'

Advertising must be wild in Quebec.

As I return to the waiting area there is a short man hitting his head against the wall fighting back tears.

"I CHOKED I CHOKED! I SHOULD HAVE GONE BIGGER!

A man with glasses consoles him.

"You can't Monday Morning Quarterback yourself bud. Every performance is unique."

A slight gay man walks out looking very confident. He tells me he thinks he nailed it because he has done the entire UCB improv program and is now in an independent study with a professional acting coach. Part of me is impressed by his confidence, I don't have the heart to tell him that I  think he might not be the target market for microwaveable dinners. 

A little later a production assistant came and found me and told me I had been released. I walked out of the office curious if I had just wasted two hours of my life or if it had been a fun character building experience. I looked down the hallway to see a room full of large black men sitting in a lounge.  This was the holding room for people that had advanced to the next round.

'Guess they wanted diversity this time. And they're doing open calls in Houston, Miami and New York City today too."

I look up and it's...holy shit it's Robby.

"Hey man, did you seal the deal in the honeymoon suite?"

He looked at me puzzled for a moment and then a sly grin.

"I'm sure I don't know what you mean."

"Sorry, thought you were someone else."

As I leave my first ever commercial audition feeling like a dejected Emma Stone. Today will not be my big Hollywood break. I see the following sign. Follow us on Twitter and take a box of buffalo chicken mac and cheese to go!

I grabbed a box and I gotta be honest with you...that shit was dope.