Tuesday, November 1, 2016

He's Still Not That Into You

My mom was tending bar at a Max and Erma's in Indianapolis. Like a lot of kids with family money she had graduated from college and was pursuing a graduate degree because she didn't really know what she wanted in life. Her late father had worked at Harvard, he had been on the team with Watson and Crick that cracked the human genome and she was a bartender. She was probably feeling a little inadequate. We are probably more similar than I like to admit.

Then some guy walked in with his softball buddies. It was a Thursday night in Indianapolis, going to a knock off TGI Friday's was probably their best bet. A young woman brought them waters and told them to phone in their order when they were ready. It was the late 70's, lots of restaurants still had gimics.

The guy picks up the phone, orders a round of beers and burgers for his buddies...and he asked for the waitress's number.

And that's how my dad met my mom.


You're not going to get that story.

 It's over.

You're going to meet your future partner on Bumble or you are going to have a one night stand after too many Jell-O shots and then look at the person in bed with you and think 'maybe we can make this work.'

That is dating in the modern world, like it or not.

If you're under 30, you've probably had these thoughts...

"Should I try to be funny?"

"What open ended question will lead to a long conversation?"

"Should I text back immediately? Play hard to get? Do I look desperate?"

"Do I sleep with him/her? Or will they lose interest?"

"What if I don't sleep with them at first and then they give me more of a chance?"


It's all bullshit.

Of course there is always going to be someone having an upper hand in a relationship, but the minute these questions start popping into your head, it's dead on arrival. I'm sorry, your Bumble relationship has miscarried.

Flash back to 2004, 'My Boo' was the number one song in the country. I still had gigantic fake diamonds in my ears and everyone was freaking the fuck out about some book called 'He's Just Not That Into You.'

The thesis of the book was essentially, 'If a guy isn't acting interested, it's because he isn't.'

It's not because he's taking a shower, or he has too much work to do, or because his phone is dead. If he cared, he would find a way to show you. The book was written as an exercise in self help by a male comedian and the chick that wrote 'How to be Single.' What followed was a wake up call by the women of America who realized for the first time to stop making excuses for shitty guys. It was somehow empowering.

5 years later the movie version came out and gave us terrible try hard Ginnifer Goodwin, but also gave us a gentle reminder that he is in fact, not that into you.

But then in 2012 an app called Tinder came out, normalized online dating and took all of the lessons that we had learned over the last 8 years and set them on fire.

It was fun for a while.

'They gays have Grindr,' the straights thought, 'why can't we fuck too?'

And fuck they did. Hook-up culture was at an all time high and swiping right became the new going out.

But then it happened.

You were at brunch or something and you heard that Vicki had actually met her boyfriend on Tinder. Furthermore you heard that they were kind of serious and thinking about moving in with each other. This information gave you hope. And as we know, hope can be a very dangerous thing.

The clones followed. Coffee Meet Bagel, Hinge, Jdate, JSwipe and finally Bumble.

Soon the same people that would have NEVER confessed to being on the dating sites OK Cupid and Match just a few years ago were relieved to find out that dating online had been destigmatized.

And now every single white girl under the age of 30 is on Bumble (an app completely based on the concept that men are too chicken shit to initiate conversation with women) looking for love. This becomes problematic because the guys on Bumble are still the guys from Tinder in 2012 that were looking to fuck.

I understand that women have a biological clock and I understand that I am a former frat guy that still does hard drugs and has one serious relationship in his belt but listen to me when I tell you, the dude you are talking to on Bumble is likely a fuck boy. Or he is kind of an overeager loser. Or at the very least you are probably going to date down.

But let's say you find the unicorn on dating apps and he gets a little flakey, or he is unresponsive, he says things like 'we should hang out' but never sets a date...I have news for you.

He's just not that into you.

It doesn't matter what joke you tell, what question you ask, what date you suggest. No amount of workshopping your response with your girlfriends or your coworkers is going to change that. He probably made a split second decision the minute he met you whether you were a one night stand, a potential girlfriend, or just someone to waste time with.

If you are in on the one night stand? Go for it, live your life. And if he thinks you guys might have a future, you will know.

If I am into a girl I will pull over to the side of the freeway to respond to her texts, I will get out of the shower to answer her call, I will profusely apologize in the morning for missing her late night text. I will be available on Gchat all day, I will send stupid ecards to their email. They will know I'm interested.

And if it's something in the middle? Well no one has time for that. The guy that periodically texts you, keeps you in that in between phase? He's doing that so he can have something to do if he is bored or needs a desperation plus one. Fuck that guy. Kick him to the curb.

I know because I have been that guy.

If you find yourself staring at a profile picture of Noah that went to UC Santa Clara and while you are staring at his surfer pic wondering if his cock is a Frank's Red Hot bottle or a standard office depot yellow highlighter that's ok. You should find out. But know that he is swiping right on hundreds of girls a night playing a number's game.

I know because I have been that guy.

If you think these guys have 'work dinners' or are actually playing on 5 softball teams or really get sick this often, you are naive and falling victim to special snowflake syndrome. He's clearly just keeping you on the bench. He's just not that into you.

People find love on the internet. It does happen, but if you're ever unsure, it's already over. Move on. Go to a pregame, meet a friend of a friend of a friend. You'll probably have something in common and won't have to evaluate your entire future based on five photographs and some intermittent texting.

It works both ways too gentlemen, if she's distant it's not because she's getting her nails done it's because she's got some other guy's dick in her mouth or because she just doesn't give a fuck about you.

I know...because I have definitely been that guy.

So let's do something, let's all make a commitment not to let ourselves be manipulated by our own expectations, let's be honest and have respect for ourselves. Don't twist the narrative to fit some magic fairy tale we've written in our own heads because it probably doesn't have a happy ending and it shouldn't take a bad Justin Long rom com to remind us of these lessons we've learned many times in the past.