|Not even Boo the dog can monetize his Vine.|
Predictably I went all out for these affairs. On the Tri Delt bar crawl I dyed my hair black and wore full goth make-up. To this day, high school cliques is the most creative theme party I've ever been a part of and possibly the most fun.
On the Kappa bar crawl, I distinctly remember doing lots of body shots. I have done body shots before...but not like this. Of all the members of the 2009 Kappa Senior class I have probably licked most of their stomachs, all while dressed like an Indy 500 redneck (college is glorious!) That was also the day I joined Twitter. So for the last 5 years my Twitter picture has been me, dancing on a stripper pole upstairs at Sports. Go ahead, it's still there.
I planned our Phi Psi bar crawl and my entire team (except for me) was arrested that night. Our theme was pub golf, and I distinctly remember waking up my 2 Pi Phi caddies, driving to jail and bailing out all of my buddies. We celebrated with breakfast at Village Deli and then went to Kilroy's.
The bar crawl I remember the least about is Chi O. One thing you have to remember about Chi O was that they gave zero fucks. You could pregame at Chi O, smoke cigs in the courtyard. There were no rules. For some reason my coaching partner and I showed up to Chi O at like 5pm that day and proceeded to pregame for like 4 hours. Literally the last thing I remember about that night is calling one of my teammate's dads and telling him I got his daughter pregnant. I think this was worth like 25 points, totally worth his threat of murder. Then I ordered a Hairy Bear (8 shots in a 32 ounce cocktail...this is still the FIRST bar, mind you) and then I blacked out.
I woke up in a panic the next day, What happened last night? Who is this girl next to me? What's going on outside?
I came downstairs to see that there were already about 200 people drinking in my front yard, a DJ had set up and there was a kiddy pool full of beer. Somehow I tripped into the pool and just kind of sat there for a while. At that moment my team from the night before showed up...still in costume, "Moeller you're awake!" Then my friend Andrea proceeded to pour Grape Kamchatka down my throat.
At that very moment I thought to myself. "I am going to be famous some day."
Five years have gone by and as I write this I sit in a production office waiting for some dickhead to ask me to make him coffee or something. I have not sold a script and I have like 500 Twitter followers.
I am not famous.
I made a 12 second appearance of Betty White's Off Their Rockers and in the fall I briefly appear as a murderous bunny rabbit in a direct to DVD film about haunted houses. I was paid $200 for the role.
I am definitely not famous.
It's kind of a bummer, I missed the social media boom. There is no doubt in my mind that if I would have graduated a few years later I could have turned my Bloomington semi-celebrity into something tangible. A few thousand Twitter followers, I would likely be a contributing editor to lifestyle sites like BroBible or Total Frat Move, potentially even Barstool Sports. Unfortunately I had no foresight back then to capitalize on this brand, pre-2010 you didn't get famous even on a micro scale, just for being awesome. You had to do shit. Make funny self aware videos like Jimmy Tatro parodying your fraternity lifestyle. Start a Youtube show like my buddy Ty, or run a steady blog like Broslikethissite, frattinghard (precursors to BroBible and TFM) or BetchesLoveThis. College kids have nothing but time on their hands and love to read self-gratifying pieces about their problem free existence.
But I missed the boat. I was too busy drinking to make anything cool and too hungover to be creative.
Is that such a bad thing?
I mean, don't get me wrong. I still really want to be famous. I want to be famous for all the reasons that famous people hate it. I want to throw money around, openly do drugs in the VIP rooms in clubs, party in the hills and aggressively high five fans that see me on the street. I will also be extremely nice and generous with my wealth and time, creating a likable bad boy image.
I have thought this through before.
But that level of fame requires one to be a movie star or musician. Perhaps a top tier athlete or maybe even a young hot shot director.
The type of fame I could reasonably expect to achieve is second-tier reality star. Maybe on something like Bravo's Below Deck. I would spend 8 weeks working on a show like that and then once a year for the rest of my life I would be recognized at a bar for being from the show, it would result in either a bro buying me a beer or an older woman trying to take me home.
Even the guys on The Real World don't have it as great as you would imagine. Sure, they can do Real World/Road Rules Challenge once or twice and go down to MTV Spring Break on the Viacom dime for a while, but that dries up quick.
I remember my first job in Chicago, the day of orientation, Davis the gay guy from Real World: Denver was there. I originally wondered if he was some sort of key note speaker. But what the fuck would the gay frat boy have to say about selling electronics? He was in fact, going to be a member of my training class. Apparently by 2009 (RW: Denver aired in 2007) the old MTV well had dried up. So like me, without other options, good ole Davis was going to sling computers for $25,000 a year.
One would assume that like a retired athlete, a semi-famous guy from MTV would excel at sales. Like if you're going to buy a Honda, are you going to purchase it from a dude named Bob or Larry Bird. Similarly, if you're a nerdy IT guy, don't you want to know what was REALLY happening Tyrie and Brooke?
Apparently not...Davis was fired when it was discovered that he would just call into Moviefone for hours on end and research ways to launch a modeling career. So while it may be cool to have 10,000 followers on Twitter, it doesn't really do anything. I know actors who are basically broke, but if they post a shirtless photo they will get 2000 likes and OMFG RAPE ME! comments. But that's not getting you much either, except an offer for statutory rape from a 16 year old.
The thing is, you can't fake it. There is no shortcut to fame. You can have a video go viral and get a million views. BUT, 99.9% of the time you won't be cast as Taco on The League. You will just be a guy that had a video go viral once and got a 17 dollar check from Google. If you go on the Bachelorette and make it to the final 6 and then get eliminated, you will get to have sex with a handful of starfuckers after the fact, but it will just leave you hollow and potentially with a curable case of the clap.
Of course there are exceptions to this, if your dad defended OJ, step dad won a gold medal and you have sex with Brandy's brother, you can cheat your way to fame. But unless you were already a multi-millionaire when you did all of that, it's probably going to end up with you being a Social Media Correspondant at the VMA's. You will get into all the cool parties, you will often drink for free. You will struggle to pay your rent. Even my favorite bloggers that have hundreds of thousands of page clicks a day are constantly struggling to monetize their site just so they can afford to live in Manhattan.
I'm probably never going to get there. But...there is an alternative.
There is a world in which you quietly have a successful career writing in Los Angeles. You start a bidding war for your Romantic Comedy set in the Greek system. There is a classic scene where the male lead kisses his quirks platonic friend on a bar crawl (BUT WAS IT ONLY FOR POINTS OR DOES HE LIKE ME?!?!) The script sells for 2 million dollars and nets $20 million on a 3 million dollar budget. Rotten Tomatoes gives it a 37%
By the time the sequel comes out, you have a membership at Soho house, and occasionally dip your toe in the lifestyles of the rich and famous when an actor pal of yours invites you to a dinner party in Bel-Air. You feel awkward there and leave early.
The last pilot I wrote is about Rebecca Martinson, she's the chick that freaked out and sent a house email decrying her entire sorority for being "SO fucking awkward and so Fucking boring." She then famously threatened to cunt punt them out of the house if they did not improve. Said email went viral. Ms. Martinson was then published in Vice about her first time sucking a dick with her best friend and subsequently got a staff job over at Brobible. She is internet famous. I guess I would just rather be the one writing a story about her, as opposed to actually being her.
And maybe, some day I will actually improve my craft to the point that I can get something on the air. Something timeless...something that will stay. Something to be remembered by...something like this classic scene from Hard Ticket to Hawaii. Have a great weekend everyone.