Monday, August 14, 2017

First Date

I have a problem.

I am going on a date tomorrow with a girl who is saved in my phone as First name: Canal Club Last Name: Ocean Girl.

I have a date with Canal Club Ocean Girl.

It gets worse.

I'm not entirely sure what she looks like.

How did we get here?

On Saturday, July 1st (This is the day BEFORE the 2017 Tour de Franzia) after openly soliciting an invite to a pool party, I went to a pool party that began at 11am. I didn't really know anyone at this pool party so I drank extra hard to avoid awkwardness. I actively participated in drinking games because it forces casual conversation and I had a metric ton of jell-O shots.

I did this until about 9pm, I came out of a brown out kissing a Nicaraguan girl in a hot tub and realized that everyone I had been with earlier in the day was gone. I also couldn't find my shirt. I ordered an Uber home and decided that the prudent thing to do after drinking with reckless abandon for 10 hours was to go to bed.

However, I am not a prudent person so I stopped in at home, ripped an Addy, threw on some jeans and went to a darts bar. At this point I may have ingested some other chemicals that altered my body chemistry. There were also shots of Fireball and pints of Smithwick's. If this were the end of the story, we would chalk it up to 'holiday weekend bender' however, at around midnight, I departed a dart bar to go to Canal Club, a place that specializes in drunk bros and loud Justin Bieber music.

At some point or another, I started chatting with a young woman on the dance floor, possibly over our love of JB. I have no idea what we talked about, or really what she looked like. I just remember feeling like I was having a good time. (It could have just been the molly) Apparently though, I was charming enough that I was able to convince mystery girl to go for a late night swim with me when the bar closed.

Again, I don't know if we kissed, if she enjoyed the late night tryst or even why i thought it was a good idea. I do know, that she ended up giving me a ride home and I woke up in the morning in my bed next to soaking wet jeans and sheets full of sand.

The next day has been well documented on the Tour de Franzia post. What I left out though was the text the next day from an 847 number 'hey hey.'

Pieces of the evening came back but of course I wasn't entirely sure what this young woman's name was, so I just chatted her like I would any other potential suitor. She left LA for a week, I left LA for a week. And now a month later, on August 1st. We have made plans to hang out.

I certainly can't say 'Hey, I was beyond fucked up the night we met, and I just have a general idea that we hit it off. Can I please have your full name, physical description and a link to all social media? Also notes on what we discussed on the night in question?'

What makes matters worse is that the following day when we were chatting, mystery girl seemed to have NO idea how on one I was. As you may have noticed I told you she gave me a ride home, I didn't mean like 'in her Uber' she drove me home. So let's look at those two Saturdays. I drank for 15 hours straight and mystery girl drove home from the bar. So she at least mostly sober. It's possible that she doesn't even drink but I wouldn't have noticed because I was out of my god damn mind.

I scoured our old texts, looking for clues as to who this woman might be.

Nothing.

Honestly we talked about Portillo's and Game of Thrones.

To be fair, these are both things that are near and dear to my heart, but hardly clues of whom this lady might be.

This is a plea for help. If anyone saw me that night and remembers who I was with. If you are a lifeguard and there is a secret security camera on tower 26, we need to talk. If there is a way to reverse engineer a name from a phone number I will provide FOUR LOKO to the hacker that cracks this case for me.

I'm basically fucked and I'm going through with this for the story. If it goes well, I'll probably have to delete this post as I imagine we would become Facebook friends before the 2nd date? I don't know, I don't go on dates. I hook up with friends or go home with randoms. Is that ok at 30? Anyway, what should we talk about? Should I admit to my sins? Should I tell her about this post?

It's certainly going to be a Tuesday night to remember. Wish me luck.

UPDATE:

I wrote this post a couple weeks ago and never posted it. What if she's following me on Twitter, what if she knows about my blog somehow? That would be weird, probably ruin the date. What if we end up getting married and she finds out years later that before our first date I was writing about it for the world to see?

Well I went on the date and it was fine, she's a lovely girl maybe we'll go out again some day. BUT this is not the reason for the update. I want to teach you how to find out the identity of a person using just their phone number. I figured this out and I felt like a fucking spy.

You can search Instagram for people whose phone numbers you have but don't follow. The list shouldn't be too terribly long. Remove the mystery number from your phone book and the list of numbers you have of people you do not follow should decrease by one. Then re-add the phone number and find out which person wasn't there before. A-ha! You have identified the girl you blacked out with, went swimming and then asked on a date.

Or drink less, but where's the fun in that? Have fun out there kids.