Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Oscar picks

Anyone who knows me, would tell you that I am a pretty big movie fan, and it's probably my only passion. In fact half the reason I blog at work is because I subconsciously want to be fired so I can move to Los Angeles and ride Jack Shannon's coat tails to the top, or at least to the mail room at which point I can strategically leave a greek life or the disallusionment-themed screenplay on some agent's desk and get signed. But in the mean time, I will write about movies and the only thing that keeps life in the midwest tolerable: drinking!

Best Picture: The Social Network
The Social Network was brilliantly written, wonderfully directed and capably acted. I think Jesse Eisenberg was strong as Zuckerberg but Garfield (also of Never Let me Go and the new Spiderman reboot) stole the show. Justin Timberlake played a pretty solid douche, but I never bought into the character completely, I kept thinking haha "Justin Timberlake just fucked a college girl, there he is doing some coke" pretty believable stuff for a pop star.
The King's Speech was good, but it's so British and smug, and I don't empathize at all with people that have problems speaking. It really isn't that hard, take a few shots of vodka if you are really that enrvous. Colin Firth is overrated because he doesn't mind playing gay or handicapped in some way. No extra points in my book for lovable loser. This movie swept the BAFTA's which is the British Oscars and has been trading blows with TSN in all the guild awards. This is our awards show, this is our country and while a nerdy Jewish kid becoming rich after stealing an idea from a couple WASPy athletes is about as close to the antithesis of what I stand for as you can get...fuck it, America ftw!

Colin Firth because the Academy is a bunch of pussies, it should probably be Franco. If you haven't been paying attention Franco is currently starring in a daytime soap and teaching a college course on himself, he's fucking nuts.

Natalie Portman. While the Academy does like the depressing shit such as Blue Valantine or Rabbit Hole, those performances could cancel eachother out. I'm fairly certain the Academy is still afraid of gays (Colin Firth in A Single Man, Brokeback Mountain Best Picture) that rules out Benning, and not enough people saw Winter's Bone with unknown Jennifer Lawrence coming on strong (it was extremely badass though.) That leaves Portman, who not only put on a magnificent performance, but went down to 98 pounds and learned ballet. Well deserved.

Supporting Actor:
Christian Bale. Probably the biggest lock of the night, some limey assholes will talk about Geoffrey Rush playing a peasant teaching a king to speak...blah blah blah the monarchy has been dead in England since the 1800's, a King is nothing more than a spoiled rich kid with a title. Bale played a crackhead, lost a ton of weight for the 3rd time in his career (machinist, rescue dawn,) and he's also a guy I would want to have a beer with.

Supporting Actress:
Helena Bonham Carter. Although I loved Amy Adams, for the second time in her career she is going to fall victim to splitting votes with a costar (Doubt with Viola Davis.) I haven't seen Aussie flick Animal Kingdom, and 16 year olds don't win Oscars...usually. On the plus side, Hailee Steinfeld isn't the dikey tomboy she portrays in True Grit, she is going to be HOT. Oh yah, ths winner will be Mrs. Tim Burton aka Bellatrix LaStrange.

Original Screenplay:
Somehow it doesn't seem fair that the most original movie of the year will compete with a historical drama does it? Fuck it, I'm going bold...Inception will win.

Adapted Screenplay:
Entourage made Aaron Sorkin look kinda sleezy, here's hoping he pulls a sheen after he collects his award for the Social Network.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Facebook stalking

I check Facebook a lot. It's not to stalk on past flings or update my status, or creepily "like" a lot of stories. It is just one of the automatic things my fingers do when I am zoned out at work. What I usually find are the dregs of society, spewing verbal vomit all over the place. "Oh what a harrowing trip to the grocery store, did you know that I didn't go to college after high school and now I work the lunch shift at Bob Evans? Furthermore I married my high school boyfriend and now we are homeowners, we cohabitate together on W 34th street in a single bedroom home that cost us $85,000 and on our thirty year mortgage that only cost us $190 a month!" Then all of their friends that think this is a huge accomplishment will bask them in comments and likes. Sometimes those are even better, it might read like, "Congrats on the house you two! Sally and I are in a couples bowling league on Thursdays you should totally join!" Sounds like just the party I want to attend. I bet they talk about reality television episodes, the state of the economy and how the tea party has changed conservatism in America...haha they don't know they're fucking left from their right, but they seriously probably do think Unsercover Boss has changed their lives.

But I can handle that. It's entertaining at times, and it's nice to know that people that I knew 10 years ago are still alive in some capacity. What I really can't stand are the pictures of the kids, even worse the pregnant stomachs. It physically makes me ill. I understand that you are proud to be a parent, but if you are my age and female, you should be self-conscious of your weight. I don't care if it is a 9 pound future person inside of you making you look like a whale. I reccomend loose clothing and discretion. And get the pictures of your kids the fuck off Facebook, the rest of us twentysomethings are trying to live a hedonistic lifestyle in peace. You don't see normal people taking pictures of used condums and shoving them down your throats! You think that's gross? I think the fact that you ended your youth at 23 and dress your kids in "adorable" costumes is gross. Get the fuck off Facebook and go breast feed. By becoming an adult you usurped the right to use a kids website. Remember The Social Network? Facebook was about looking at pictures of hot chicks, not a bunch of 22 yr old girls trying to see who can get grosser during pregnancy.

In closing, less of (see above rant) more pictures of Boo (see above puppy)

Monday, February 7, 2011

Shattered Glass part 3

Shattered Glass is a great movie. I implore anyone remotely interested in journalism to check it out. And yes, it does star Hollywood's biggest pussy, Hayden Christensen, (also Canadian and my god did you see him in the trailer for that shitty BET movie Takers, it's a fucking joke. And yes I realize if this was a legit blog I would link you to the IMDB page for this movie and the Takers trailer, but that would require effort) but seriously Annakin fucking kills it in that movie, rent it now.

Let me tell you what kinds of shattered glass isn't tight, that of my passenger side window this morning! LIKE ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME THREE TIMES IN ONE YEAR AHHHH!!! I LIKE ON THE SAME STREET AS JOE PERILLO THERE SHOULD BE NO HOMEYS FUCKING WITH MY CAR. I seriously think they do it either for sport or they see a couple dimes in my change tray and the 20 cents is really worth it to them to smash my window. It sucks driving to work sitting on shards of glass with snow whipping you in the face in mid February with the temps in the low 20's. I'm seriously considering destroying my car, claiming the insurance, using that money to buy automatic weapons and going on a murderous rampage on the pile of rubble that used to be Cabrini Green, I know there are crackheads still lingering. Non-terrorist disclaimer: That was a joke, this is a humor blog.

...but in all seriousness if I got a car alarm and rigged it to explosives that would detonate if at any time my Windows were broken (I realize this could turn out badly for me if I were to get in a car accident.) Would that be illegal? I think it would be worth all 10 grand to see that burnt corpse and tsk him for breaking my window to grab an empty pack of Camel Crush. I did my random acts of violence in the day but throwing a sprite can at a mailbox is much more jovial than attacking my only tangible asset.

Maybe this is the karma gods punishing me for more or less running a blog that is long motivational speech for everyone to go out and get fucked up as often as me. I encourage people on this site to do things that may have poor long term effects on their body down the road. When in fact I am a major hypocrite, I snuck out of a pregame Saturday night because I wasn't feeling well and went home and to sleep....at like 11:30. Some may give me a pass since I was up drinking until 9am the night/day before, but I feel like I let you all down. I even tried to make up for it Sunday by drinking until 1 in the morning. Ugh and now all I have to look forward to for the next 4 days is people telling me they don't go out on work nights...well only 96 more hours til Friday.

Friday, February 4, 2011

4:31 PM

Today the HP rep gave me two of those red cars that when you pull back they wind up and then shoot forward. I'm sure most employees took these home to their kids to play with...(ahh daddy is a big fucking hero he brought his kid home a free toy.) Alas, I have spent my afternoon collecting them from my absent coworkers' desks and set up ellaborate courses for my wind up cars. I have set up ramps, crashed them head on, t-bone, literally all possible scenarios a 9 year old or an engineer would have set up, I have conquered.

Anyway, believe it or not this is the happiest time of the week for me. Most people have gone home, or at least no one is wandering near my desk trying to peer past my privacy screen, so I can chill out and write random thoughts for 7 or 8 of my friends to read. Not only that but this is the furthest point of time I will be from coming back to work the rest of the weekend. The minute I walk out this door I am on the clock, this is why it is completely unacceptable to ever take a night off. You know the sinking feelign you get when summer is almost over, or you are approaching the final days of spring break? Do you realize that staying in on a Friday and waking up at noon on Saturday already puts you to like the Thursday of Spring Break and you haven't done shit! While Friday is amazing, its like June 21st once midnight strikes the days are getting shorter. So fucking strike while the iron is hot baby. You don't want to get that Sunday at 5pm feeling that you had an unfulfilling weekend and now you need to agonize through 5 more days of work before you get a chance to rectify your wrongs. (Or you could go to debonair on Mondays for rehab, but that's a tough sell to any of your friends that take their jobs seriously) But can you live with that for an entire work week. I wake up in cold sweats on Tuesday nights when I realize i passed out early on a Friday or by the time I got to Hangge Uppe on Saturday the line was too long. These are my greatest regrets in life.

There is so much promise on a night like tonight. Tonight may not be remarkable, but maybe some magic will happen. Maybe you will wax that dime, maybe your longtime girlfriend will finally blow you, maybe you ladies will stumble upon a rich guy at a bar who has a shiny ring waiting for you 2 years down the road. None of that starts with a bottle of red wine and a SATC marathon, it starts with the exploration into the great unknown. Will you create a human experience tonight with one of the 3 million people in this amazing city or are you going to waste 1 of your precious 29,200 nights on this Earth staying in because it was too cold. You decide...

Thursday, February 3, 2011


That's all I did all day. I literally sat at the office hungover as balls from the 48 hour midweek bender I went on and read a bunch of stupid shit Pat McAfee said. Seriously he is so annoying but I feel bad unfollowing players for the teams that I like, so I just endure miserable athlete speak. They are the absolute fucking worst, and they tweet non-stop. Raheem Brock thinks that DFW is a shitty airport, Pat McAfee retweets every single fucking mention he gets. Don't even get me started on the celebrities, cause tweeting? So help me God, if Alyssa Milano tells me one more time to RT something stupid for chipmunk diabetes so Boost Mobile can donate a dollar to ASPCA I will never again fantasize about her perfect tits. That may be going too far but yah...I should have never started following that dumb cunt.

All I want to know is what my friends are doing, see funny pictures, perhaps a link to an informative article and I get stuck with a bunch of hoodrat athletes that create stupid trending topics with shit like #umightbahoeif. U might be a hoe if you think following these morons on twitter is getting you closer to a post game locker room pass. SO the conclusion I came to is that dealing with my celebrity infested twitter feed was actually more annoying today than doing actual work. I think I am going to think up some twitter rules and post them soonish...I think the first might be no check ins at the place of your employment....congratufuckinglations you are at your office more than anyone else. I crown thee King of the boring!