A lot has happened since the last time I posted on this blog...
I've traveled to Australia, New Zealand, Germany, Serbia and England. Indiana basketball has lost something like 60 consecutive basketball games, I've advanced in age and I'm no longer the "single" dude in LA.
Of course my beloved Star is Born (inspiration for the title to this post!) was also beaten by a movie written by the Dumb and Dumber guy that attempted to solve racism...BUT I DIGRESS.
I'm 32 now. The vast majority of my social sphere is either already in their 30's or knocking on the door. I've always been very aware of my age. Age is something that was a big deal to me because I felt so immature and behind throughout most of my life. Last to get a girlfriend, last to get a good job, last to grow up. At 30 I was unemployed, single, living in a triple and had overdrawn my checking account. (LOL there were no savings)
NOT GREAT BOB!
So you could see why I became obsessed with the number. At 22 that type off behavior is expected. At 26 it's passable. At 30 it just begins to look pathetic.
Some time over the past 2 years I decided I would stop comparing myself to people from my past; beating myself up over things like engagements, baby announcements and promotions on LinkedIn.
That motherfucker is an EVP? HOW?! I let him copy ALL of my answers on a Stats final. Now he has 2 kids, a beautiful wife and flies business class? FUCK THAT GUY!
You see how one could spiral quite quickly. You start thinking about choices you made long ago and how the ripples have been devastating ever since.
If I wouldn't have skipped that P&G dinner that one time, would I be a sales director in Ohio? If I wouldn't have worn my stupid fucking purple tie to that Target interview would I own a 2 bedroom condo in St. Paul? Did I always prioritize partying above everything else in my life and has this since destroyed me? The answer is probably not to all of the above, but these are the thoughts that creep into your head moments before you fall asleep.
What jolted me this past year wasn't ME turning 32 it was other people from my life getting older. It was my brother turning 28, it was the Sophomore Kappas not being Sophomores anymore (they're all fucking 30!) it was people that I used to babysit getting married and divorced and holy shit when did all of this happen?
With every relationship I form, I default to a certain time in our life and hold onto it. With my college buddies it will always be the corner of 7th and Indiana, after a tailgate, blaring Country Roads. It's raining beer, the shorts are short. No one is wearing sunscreen. Not a care in the world.
My high school friends, we're driving around in an old station wagon figuring out somewhere to go. I'm thinking of a lie to tell my parents why I'm going to miss curfew. I honestly don't even have anything better to do, I just feel like hanging out and talking for a while longer.
I'm back in Chicago. I'm in a basement on Burling Street staying up way too late making questionable decisions on a school night, Beaumont is open until 4am, 5 on a Saturday but our apartment never closes. Let's grab one more round.
Then there is my LA crew. When I close my eyes I see us drenched in sweat at Townhouse or wandering around the beach at night feeling invincible. The sun is about to rise, I have to get home before it, or I'll be awake all day.
When did this stop being who we were? I didn't opt in to this life of escalating responsibilities. I thought we could stay young forever in these mental oases I had conjured up in my head. Am I the only one that wanted to run away?
I've read a lot about mental health and mental illness in recent years and given lots of thought to whether I was afflicted by it at times in my life. Do I have addiction issues? Do I suffer from depression? I think my conclusion is always something along the lines of ...'it's not a black or white issues, it's a spectrum and I'm probably somewhere on it.'
I suffer pangs of regret, hints of anxiety and waves of sadness like everybody else but not so much that I would self-identify in this way or make it a passionate crusade of mine. But I understand the existential dread, why everyone on the internet seems to be pessimistic about the world. Things are happening that you didn't sign up for. Maybe it's politics that bums you out, maybe it's climate change or something more personal. All these scenarios have something in common, they contain elements outside of one's control and that's what causes the nervous uncertainty.
One of the greatest joys of my past 6 months has been making a real effort to visit people from my past. I flew out to Sydney to spend a week with my cousins, I went to London and San Francisco to see my old Chicago roommates. This weekend I'm heading to a music festival with some Coachella alumni to try to recreate the magic (yes, even after I publicly stated on this blog that I was retiring from festivals)
I think it's important to spend time with people that make you happy. (Obviously) But I also think it can be healthy to take a stroll down memory lane once in a while. Sometimes I get too caught up in the fact that I'm 'living in the past' but isn't that what makes me who I am? A collection of experiences that shape my current self.
Think about every time you see a person that means something to you; friend or foe. There is an immediate feeling that washes over you be it positive or negative. These are the important things to latch onto as we grow up. Not a mental dick measuring contest "Why does he drive a nicer car than me?" It doesn't matter.
The girl I started dating recently asked me what my best quality was. It took me a moment because surely there are more negative than positive things about me, but then it popped into my mind clear as day.
"I surround myself with great people."
And sure it might be a backhanded compliment to...uh...myself.
But it cannot be overstated how great it is to have wonderful people in your life. I mentioned earlier that a collection of experiences is what shapes who you are but that's probably only half, with the other half being reflections of the people you choose to surround yourself with.
It won't solve the problems of the world, but when I'm feeling a little down, I find I gain the most inspiration and happiness by picking up the phone and asking a buddy if they want to just grab a beer and hang out. After a couple cold ones, laughing about teenage angst and some of the more precarious situations we found ourselves in, I usually feel a bit more optimistic about the future.
But one thing is for damn sure, I always feel less alone in my uncertainty. No one has life figured out, we're all just doing our best to fake it.
