Thank you all for your kind feedback on my last blog. I really appreciate all the support. My goal was to touch on some of the general angst of aging and the insecurities we all feel. I'm not great at talking about how I feel in person so it's nice for me to be able to put them on paper once in a while.
That said, I've got a question this week...
Why do people go out? A myriad of reasons I'm sure, but I think I've drilled it down to four primary categories. So please accompany me on this social experiment and let's get to the bottom of it.
PRIMARY (STATED) REASONS
Reason 1: Sex
This one is easy. You go out because you think you are going to get laid either in the short term or the long term. The short term play sees you approaching a girl on a crowded dance floor and performing the entire choreographed dance from "Bye, Bye, Bye" thinking that will convince a girl to at least go make out with you in the corner. On the long term side, maybe you will meet someone there and they will ask you out on a proper date! For the purposes of this exercise those are the same.
Reason 2: Rage
Just as sage old Alfred said 'Some men just want to watch the world burn.' Some people are just here to get fucked up. They like to drink because of the great unknown. Tonight could end in a strip club in Tijuana or a hot tub in the Hollywood Hills. Either one would be acceptable really, but the only way to get there is to drink more and always say YES. Call the dealer, cancel tomorrow's plans, we're watching the sun rise tonight.
Reason 3: Stunt
You've got money to burn and you want people to know it. Maybe you like the idea of being in control, it's an ego thing so you pick up every check, buy every bottle so people call you 'daddy.' It might not even be a sex thing, maybe you just want to assert dominance over a certain section of people. Maybe you want to make someone jealous, or maybe you just followed Dan Bilzerian on Insta too long and figured that's the best way to live.
Reason 4: Socialize
This is a bit of a catch all. This is why reasonably well adjusted people go out. They go out because they want to get out of the house, to see friends, check out a new hot spot, maybe dance. They are not necessarily interested in pulling some strange, hitting a high score on a breathalyzer or spending in the four figures, they just wanna go out ya know?
OK this would be a very obvious and short blog if we stopped here, but there are secondary reasons people go out. This is usually more of a nefarious hidden agenda or a reason for hitting the town that informs their primary reason. None of these reasons can stand alone but they can change the direction of the evening...
SECONDARY (HIDDEN) AGENDAS
Agenda A: Spend Nothing
Spending nothing can't be a primary reason for going out because you can spend nothing just sitting at home and drinking rubbing alcohol. However, you can attempt to do all of the primary reasons while also attempting to spend as little as possible.
Agenda B: Revenge
Similar to the stated reason of stunting, the hidden agenda of revenge switches from making yourself look cool to hurting someone's feelings.
Agenda C: Secret Hookup
Similar to sex but this time you don't want anyone to know about it.
Agenda D: The sneaky black-out
Sure, you told your girlfriend that you were going out to catch up with the boys. That was a lie.
NOW LET'S ADD THEM UP
On any given night there are a thousand different things you can do in LA, but what is the ideal night out when we combine some of these stated reasons and hidden agendas for hitting the town.
1a. You're going out to meet chicks but you don't want to spend a dime.
House party, ideally at one of your female friends' house with a ton of her friends that you don't know yet. You have a warm open since you were invited there and it's assumed that you aren't a serial killer. There are full bottles of vodka in the kitchen so anyone with half an ounce of charm and some quick thinking can come up with some terrible drinking game that will end with you making out with some random in the closet.
1b. You're going out to meet chicks but also piss off your ex.
Wherever your ex is. Then you're going to aggressively pursue women right in front of her, buying them drinks, public displays of affection and a very public exit together. That will show her.
That's too much of a double negative.
1d. You're going out to meet chicks and/or black out.
You can go anywhere, wherever you go there will be women and booze, and hey if you strike out, worst case scenario you pound the bottle until you forget all of your shortcomings as a man and wake up in a puddle of your own urine. Win/win really.
2a. You're here to paint the town red and spend exactly 12 dollars.
Fortunately for you $12 is the exact price of 4 Four Lokos at your local 7/11. You can probably also get a bottle of bottom shelf vodka for approximately the same. Your perfect night is a free concert in at the street fest a few blocks away. You can get blind drunk shouting the words to Sugar Ray's "When It's Over" and still have enough money for a 2 buck chuck night cap.
2b. You're here to rage and ruin someone's day.
The office Christmas party is the most reasonable place to do this. You pound the Merlot at the open bar all night until you are nice and loose enough to say to Margot, the office gossip, 'Oh, you didn't know that me and Janet from Accounting were fucking?' You just walk away smiling knowing that Margot will do the rest. Hopefully Janet's husband doesn't mind.
2c. The Irish Goodbye
Tell me if you recognize this story: One of your pals recommends a random ass bar or party way across town. You guys show up and your friend immediately disappears. The next day he says something like 'oh man, I was so fucked up, I ubered home alone.' That is a lie, he has a mistress that lives in Echo Park.
One cannot fundamentally keep their black out a secret if they tell you about it.
3a. The Poor Stuntman
Spending nothing and balling out may seem to be opposing forces but there are other ways to lord over a party such as a wedding with an open bar. The guy with the sickest dance moves, who sets up the limbo, who gets Double Dutch going and inevitably sneaks a bottle from behind the bar straight to the after party is the guy who will wake up with a bridesmaid.
Stunting in front of anyone that you hate is implied revenge, nothing more needs to be said on this.
3c. The sneaky Stuntman
A rare move, but a strong one. This is the guy that takes you all to Bungalow and buys you bottles as a distraction so he can quietly vanish with a hooker into room 837 of the Fairmont.
3d. The classy black-out
This is the guy that buys 17 bottles of wine at dinner because if you get shitfaced while spending a lot of money it doesn't make you an alcoholic, it makes you wealthy.
4a. The responsible human
This person wants to see their friends but not break the bank. They may just have a couple beers and go home. How about that!
4b. The upper road guy
This guy just wants to get back out there and show his ex that she didn't crush his spirit. This in itself is a form of revenge to show her that you are doing better without her.
4c. Maybe tonight's the night
This guy just wants to see his friends, but also he's madly in love with one of them and you never know...tonight could be the night.
4d. The Yes man
This guy just wanted to see his pals but he knows the type of people that are going to be there, he knows he doesn't have any plans tomorrow. We'll just see what happens right? He's never too disappointed when he ends up rolling in a warehouse in Boyle Heights.
SO THERE YOU GO. Everyone is a liar and they're always angling for something they don't want to say out loud. It's ok, it's just part of being young...ish.