Wednesday, May 9, 2018

Why All Your Relationships Fail



I can now predict if your relationship will fail.

After doing countless hours of research, I have realized that most people have essentially three basic character motivations. 

1. They want something that will make them happy.

2. They want to be with someone that will make them happy.

3. They want to be somewhere that will make them happy.

It's that easy, your life is essentially boiled down to a person, a place or a thing.

Let's start with category one. Something to make you happy.

This is usually going to be a job or some form of asset. Maybe you really want to be a writer, maybe you really want to be rich. Maybe you want to be a writer that sells a ton of shows to get rich, or maybe you will blog for $5 an article out of a love of the game. It doesn't really matter. If  the most important thing in the world to you is an item or real or abstract (glory? respect?) this is where you will find yourself. A slave to your passions or the pursuit of that cheddar. A person in this camp will likely always do anything to get themselves ahead professionally, they will move across the country, work absurd hours, sacrifice relationships to get ahead. This person may end up alone, and honestly they might not care.

On to category two, these are the people that want to be around a person or persons that make them happy.

These people could be family members, friends, a significant other or a future child. Nothing matters more than these pursuits. Many of my friends that have left LA have done so to get closer to family or moved to amore sensible place to find a partner and start their own family. A person in this camp might be over the hustle and bustle of a city, they're all set on that hectic lifestyle. Achieving professional success might be important to them, but certainly not the MOST important. Family first!

And category three, the people that want to be somewhere that makes them happy.

These people aren't necessarily concerned about what they're doing or who they're doing it with, but WHERE they are doing it. Hell I can write anywhere, and I like my friends, but if they all left I would stay right where I am. Some people feel this way about their hometowns, some people feel it about New York (gross) and others spent there life fantasizing about some place exotic.

I am squarely in category three. At the moment, the most important thing in the world for me is to stay right in LA. I don't necessarily have a phenomenal career trajectory but LA has a beach and I like it. I also enjoy that I can be single without anyone raising eyebrows, people visit me and there is always something exciting going on.

And what that means, is it's never going to work out for me with anyone from category one or category two...UNLESS the things that they actively seek happen to be part of Los Angeles. But if I met a 26 year old girl who figures she'll have some fun and eventually move back to Texas to be with her nieces and nephews, that's a non-starter. If I were to meet an up and coming television anchor who might get transferred to Raleigh, I'm not getting on that plane.

Furthermore if I meet someone from my own category but they want to be somewhere else? It also isn't happening.

So this is how you know if your relationship will inevitably succeed or fail. Actually it's not a proven metric for success. Two people that valued living in Venice Beach above all else could certainly find something else to fight about, but if the two of you truly don't have the same goal you will never get there.

And of course if you think 'well that's why couples compromise.' If you were willing to compromise you were never a true category one or a category three. You chose your partner, and that's great. But I think everyone could save themselves quite a bit of time when they asked in the early stages of a relationship. What's your end game?

You could certainly save quite a bit of time that way. So there you go, I hope I haven't ruined your day. Maybe I'm just a cynic and when I meet my dream girl I'll decide to throw everything away from her. But until then it's much more likely I'll eventually just throw in the towel and marry one of my friends at say 36, provided we are both committed to staying west of Lincoln for the rest of our lives.

Cheer yourself up by listening to my podcast. This week we talked about Renaissance Faires, Tiger Woods and our favorite horse occupations.

Wednesday, April 25, 2018

What is your walk up song in life?


This year for the first time, the PGA Tour, the thing your Republican uncle follows religiously, is introducing walk up music to one of its events. The results were…interesting to say the least.

It’s shocking how much your opinion of a player can change by what type of music they like. For example, I kind of though Justin Thomas, last year’s PGA champion, was a twatbucket 48 hours ago. This guy kicks fans out of events, posts pictures of his blacked out friends (see above) and has a general air of snobbery around him.

But then I saw his choice of walk up song. The Circle of Life from the Lion King, a certified banger. Now I can view all of his life choices in a different light.

He posts pictures of his friends blacked out because it’s hilarious. He rocks enormous Polo horses because he’s rich and fuck you. Guy is essentially a certified frat legend. Hell, he probably only has fans kicked out of events because he’s irritated that the PGA Tour won’t let him drink on the course.

Similarly, unknown golfers have become instant legends because of their choice of track.

 

This is Byeong-Hun An. Look at that fucking guy. This dude is 26, is South Korean and his walk-up song is MASTER P MAKE EM SAY UGHHHHHHHHHHH.

 What. A. Legend.

Let’s get another photo of Byeong.

 

OH MY GOD.

Do you think he prefers the angry Silkk the Shocker verse or is he more of a Mystikal guy. Perhaps he will use the winnings from his first PGA Tour win to buy the tank that P drove in the video. This dude is my new favorite golfer.

The entire list is right here. There are some old school bangers and a bunch of vanilla dorks that just picked Drake, but this begs the question right now: What would your walk up song be? Do you go current or classic? Are you serious or is this a bit of a joke.

I’m on record as having my walk up song be “Baby” by Justin Bieber, a timeless choice, but I have recently switched to “Just Can’t Wait to be King” because Disney releases nothing but bangers.

That said, I have recently put together a guide for selecting the perfect walk-up song. As always, you are welcome in advance.

Step 1: Pick a song that is at least five years old.

This ensures that you don’t get caught chasing trends and your choice doesn’t age poorly. All the jamokes that picked a Drake song this week are going to feel really dumb when everyone wakes up in 2023 and realizes that Drake’s entire discography was a prolonged wet fart.

Step 2: Don’t take yourself too seriously.

There is no doubt that ‘Enter Sandman’ by Metallica is a bitchin’ song, and it does make me kinda want to run through a wall, but as a walk up song? You’re trying too hard man. The same hard rock edge can be attained with a more self-aware choice like ‘Sister Christian’ by Night Ranger. It fucks, but it was also in Rock of Ages and seems like a song your dad would put on after one too many 7 and 7s.

Step 3: But also make sure it actually pumps you up

This was the problem I ran into with Baby. It made me laugh at home plate, not make me want to mash a dinger to Culver City. Your walk up music should elevate your heart rate comparably to a baby bump of cocaine. This is why when baseball players walk up to N Sync it’s hilarious but rarely effective.

Step 4: Always consider cross branding opportunities.

Do you like rap? Pick a guy who is alive, because guess what? Tupac can’t rap you a live entrance should things come to that! Conversely, a guy named Shaggy would be more than happy to perform ‘It Wasn’t Me’ mostly because he needs the money.

Step 5: Be somewhat original.

On one hand, you want a song that everyone knows. You will not be awarded bonus points for cranking out some B side of an unreleased Diplomats mix-tape. However, as we learned in the movie Bring It On, no one likes a repeat performance. Pick something that everyone in the crowd will know that absolutely no one else would pick.

Let’s run my choice through the list.

“Just Can’t Wait to be King” – Jonathan Taylor Thomas.

1.       Over five years old? Yes. Lion King came out in 1994.

2.       Don’t take yourself too seriously. Yes. It’s a fucking Disney movie.

3.       Pumps you up? Yes. The song absolutely bangs.

4.       Cross branding? Yes. I could get the whole Broadway cast out there with me or in an ABC promotion, Donald Glover star of the 2019 reboot performs the whole song as Childish Gambino.

5.       Somewhat original? Yes. Justin Thomas went Circle of Life, but different songs from the same artist (soundtrack?) are acceptable. Congrats to me for picking an acceptable walk up song. Let me know what your walk up song is if you want and make sure to check out my podcast Beer a Hole where we spend an hour talking about this bullshit.
LISTEN NOW!

Monday, April 23, 2018

The Los Angeles Flake Index



Welcome friends to the Los Angeles Flake Index aka the LAFI (not to be confused with my friend Lapi) a tool that can be used to decipher the likelihood of your scheduled plans falling apart due to unforeseen circumstances such as work, illness or more likely ‘general disinterest.’


As millennials we have rejected our once social behavior and now it is universally accepted that most of us would rather sit on the couch watching Netflix in pajamas whilst devouring an entire pepperoni pizza than hang out with essentially anyone. There are varying degrees of course, for example a Tinder date is much more likely to be cancelled than dinner with a visiting friend. You’ll bail on someone you’re trying to fuck much quicker than a family member that needs a tour.


Allow me to be your guide through the cesspool that is human interaction in Los Angeles, a never ending web of lies and disappointment.


Category 1: A first date.

Likelihood of cancellation: 80 percent

If you make plans with a stranger on a dating app the likelihood is that these plans will fall through. The reason for this is because when you are texting it up on a Thursday you can smell the weekend. The idea of going to a bar with a member of the opposite sex sounds exciting. The following Monday/Tuesday this seems like much more of a chore. Common excuses would be things like “I have to work late” or “I forgot I’m playing in this charity Softball game.” But what you’re really saying is, it just seems so much easier to go home and masturbate before watching the latest Netflix Documentary (or after if you are aroused by that sort of thing)

Also in this category would be ‘work drinks’ with a member of the opposite sex, because this is just a thinly veiled excuse for a date. Any time I met an assistant that I was even vaguely interested in I would trojan horse her into going out with me under the guise of talking shop. It worked like 12% of the time.

Category 2: Plans with a friend across town

Likelihood of cancellation: 60%

LA is incredibly tribal when it comes to neighborhoods. Sometimes I will make plans with a friend that lives in Santa Monica, a mere mile away from me but when it comes time to make the trek I render it an insurmountable journey and make up an elaborate excuse to free me from the burden. If that person lives east of the 405 or even God forbid east of La Cienega? That trip becomes virtually impossible. This is why good friends that live in Los Angeles can go years without seeing each other. I don’t think I’ve seen my friend Eric since Christmas, but he’ll still probably be in my wedding party! That’s just the way this town rolls. The one redeeming factor about this type of event that keeps the cancellation rate under 100% is that both parties understand the magnitude of this event and will plan well in advance for something bigger than just a standard ‘dinner.’ Think a concert or something similar. Matt and Kim got me to Hollywood last week for the first time in 2018.



Category 3: Plans with a friend in the neighborhood

Likelihood of cancellation: 40%

This is a bit of a double-edged sword because making plans with someone that lives down the street can feel trivial. Sure, it’s convenient. You could potentially just walk and meet them at a local bar, but this also lowers the stakes considerably. If you don’t feel like going, hell, you’ll see them in a few days, maybe even tomorrow. What is most likely in this scenario however is the ever crafty pivot. A last minute change of plans to a more amenable location. Like instead of meeting for dinner, you text your friend that you don’t feel like changing out of your pajamas but you just ordered a 12 pack for Drizzly and 30 dollars of Chinese take-out and there is 5 episodes of The Terror on your DVR. Now that’s a night that anyone can get behind.



Category 4: A visitor from out of town

Likelihood of cancellation: 10-35%

4A: A platonic friend of the opposite sex – 35%

I will often try to accommodate any and all visitors that come to LA for a couple reasons…

Reason 1: People from my past understand how fucking cool I used to be.

Reason 2: I want everyone that visits to return home with positive reviews about me.  However, I am more likely to cancel on a female friend that a male because if they are visiting with a boyfriend or staying with other friends I feel less of an obligation to show them a good time. Also it is much less likely they are sleeping on my couch.

4B: A homie – 20%

I mean they are probably staying on my couch, but if they aren’t and they are in a fancy hotel downtown or something and want me to come out on a Tuesday (I’m looking at you Jake) I just can’t get up for that. A lot of New Yorkers have a really hard time understanding that LA is DEAD Monday-Wednesday. Any time someone asks me what the popping bar is on Tuesday I want to respond THE XANNY BAR that I take at 8pm so I can go to sleep. I apologize for disappointing but LA doesn’t have a strong social culture on school nights.

4C: An old fling – 15%

I don’t want to go to far into Always Sunny territory here, but if an old fling hits you up when she’s in town it is implied that shit is about to go down, with minimal effort too. While going on a date may sound difficult, it is relatively painless to invite your ex-girlfriend over for two bottles of wine and some no strings sex. Still…depending on how hard I raged the weekend before, I might turn down the offer for sole possession of my bed.

4D: A family member – 10%

This is obviously a terrible look, but like it’s your mom…if you REALLY have to get out of it, she’ll probably understand.

Category 5: A girl you are dating 
Likelihood of cancellation: 5%

Of course you WANT to flake on your girlfriend all the time, but she also has a good indicator for your bullshit. If you blow her off once, maybe you can survive it. But once that thing becomes a habit? It’s the beginning of the end. Spin zone: If your girlfriend dumps you for being a flake, you will have substantially more time to disappoint everyone else in your life. God LA is the worst, we should all just learn to say no to plans because we would rather be watching cat videos on Instagram than doing literally anything else.

Wednesday, April 11, 2018

The Fourish Reasons People Go Out


Thank you all for your kind feedback on my last blog. I really appreciate all the support. My goal was to touch on some of the general angst of aging and the insecurities we all feel. I'm not great at talking about how I feel in person so it's nice for me to be able to put them on paper once in a while.

That said, I've got a question this week...

Why do people go out? A myriad of reasons I'm sure, but I think I've drilled it down to four primary categories. So please accompany me on this social experiment and let's get to the bottom of it.

PRIMARY (STATED) REASONS

Reason 1: Sex
This one is easy. You go out because you think you are going to get laid either in the short term or the long term. The short term play sees you approaching a girl on a crowded dance floor and performing the entire choreographed dance from "Bye, Bye, Bye" thinking that will convince a girl to at least go make out with you in the corner. On the long term side, maybe you will meet someone there and they will ask you out on a proper date! For the purposes of this exercise those are the same.

Reason 2: Rage
Just as sage old Alfred said 'Some men just want to watch the world burn.' Some people are just here to get fucked up. They like to drink because of the great unknown. Tonight could end in a strip club in Tijuana or a hot tub in the Hollywood Hills. Either one would be acceptable really, but the only way to get there is to drink more and always say YES. Call the dealer, cancel tomorrow's plans, we're watching the sun rise tonight.

Reason 3: Stunt
You've got money to burn and you want people to know it. Maybe you like the idea of being in control, it's an ego thing so you pick up every check, buy every bottle so people call you 'daddy.' It might not even be a sex thing, maybe you just want to assert dominance over a certain section of people. Maybe you want to make someone jealous, or maybe you just followed Dan Bilzerian on Insta too long and figured that's the best way to live.

Reason 4: Socialize
This is a bit of a catch all. This is why reasonably well adjusted people go out. They go out because they want to get out of the house, to see friends, check out a new hot spot, maybe dance. They are not necessarily interested in pulling some strange, hitting a high score on a breathalyzer or spending in the four figures, they just wanna go out ya know?

OK this would be a very obvious and short blog if we stopped here, but there are secondary reasons people go out. This is usually more of a nefarious hidden agenda or a reason for hitting the town that informs their primary reason. None of these reasons can stand alone but they can change the direction of the evening...

SECONDARY (HIDDEN) AGENDAS

Agenda A: Spend Nothing
Spending nothing can't be a primary reason for going out because you can spend nothing just sitting at home and drinking rubbing alcohol. However, you can attempt to do all of the primary reasons while also attempting to spend as little as possible.

Agenda B: Revenge
Similar to the stated reason of stunting, the hidden agenda of revenge switches from making yourself look cool to hurting someone's feelings.

Agenda C: Secret Hookup
Similar to sex but this time you don't want anyone to know about it.

Agenda D: The sneaky black-out
Sure, you told your girlfriend that you were going out to catch up with the boys. That was a lie.

NOW LET'S ADD THEM UP

On any given night there are a thousand different things you can do in LA, but what is the ideal night out when we combine some of these stated reasons and hidden agendas for hitting the town.

1a. You're going out to meet chicks but you don't want to spend a dime.
House party, ideally at one of your female friends' house with a ton of her friends that you don't know yet. You have a warm open since you were invited there and it's assumed that you aren't a serial killer. There are full bottles of vodka in the kitchen so anyone with half an ounce of charm and some quick thinking can come up with some terrible drinking game that will end with you making out with some random in the closet.

1b. You're going out to meet chicks but also piss off your ex.
Wherever your ex is. Then you're going to aggressively pursue women right in front of her, buying them drinks, public displays of affection and a very public exit together. That will show her.

1c. You're going out to meet chicks but also hook-up on the down low.
That's too much of a double negative.

1d. You're going out to meet chicks and/or black out.
You can go anywhere, wherever you go there will be women and booze, and hey if you strike out, worst case scenario you pound the bottle until you forget all of your shortcomings as a man and wake up in a puddle of your own urine. Win/win really.

2a. You're here to paint the town red and spend exactly 12 dollars.
Fortunately for you $12 is the exact price of 4 Four Lokos at your local 7/11. You can probably also get a bottle of bottom shelf vodka for approximately the same. Your perfect night is a free concert in at the street fest a few blocks away. You can get blind drunk shouting the words to Sugar Ray's "When It's Over" and still have enough money for a 2 buck chuck night cap.

2b. You're here to rage and ruin someone's day.
The office Christmas party is the most reasonable place to do this. You pound the Merlot at the open bar all night until you are nice and loose enough to say to Margot, the office gossip, 'Oh, you didn't know that me and Janet from Accounting were fucking?' You just walk away smiling knowing that Margot will do the rest. Hopefully Janet's husband doesn't mind.

2c. The Irish Goodbye
Tell me if you recognize this story: One of your pals recommends a random ass bar or party way across town. You guys show up and your friend immediately disappears. The next day he says something like 'oh man, I was so fucked up, I ubered home alone.' That is a lie, he has a mistress that lives in Echo Park.

2d. The raging secret black out
One cannot fundamentally keep their black out a secret if they tell you about it.

3a. The Poor Stuntman
Spending nothing and balling out may seem to be opposing forces but there are other ways to lord over a party such as a wedding with an open bar. The guy with the sickest dance moves, who sets up the limbo, who gets Double Dutch going and inevitably sneaks a bottle from behind the bar straight to the after party is the guy who will wake up with a bridesmaid.

3b. Stunting as revenge?
Stunting in front of anyone that you hate is implied revenge, nothing more needs to be said on this.

3c. The sneaky Stuntman
A rare move, but a strong one. This is the guy that takes you all to Bungalow and buys you bottles as a distraction so he can quietly vanish with a hooker into room 837 of the Fairmont.

3d. The classy black-out
This is the guy that buys 17 bottles of wine at dinner because if you get shitfaced while spending a lot of money it doesn't make you an alcoholic, it makes you wealthy.

4a. The responsible human
This person wants to see their friends but not break the bank. They may just have a couple beers and go home. How about that!

4b. The upper road guy
This guy just wants to get back out there and show his ex that she didn't crush his spirit. This in itself is a form of revenge to show her that you are doing better without her.

4c. Maybe tonight's the night
This guy just wants to see his friends, but also he's madly in love with one of them and you never know...tonight could be the night.

4d. The Yes man
This guy just wanted to see his pals but he knows the type of people that are going to be there, he knows he doesn't have any plans tomorrow. We'll just see what happens right? He's never too disappointed when he ends up rolling in a warehouse in Boyle Heights.

SO THERE YOU GO. Everyone is a liar and they're always angling for something they don't want to say out loud. It's ok, it's just part of being young...ish.





Wednesday, March 28, 2018

The Loneliness of the American Savage



It’s Two O’clock in the afternoon as I lay on an old couch that I bought used from a friend after a bed bug infestation destroyed all the furniture. I’m trying to watch golf and calm down after a weekend of extreme drinking. My endorphin count is negative.

Elsewhere one of my two roommates is having a full blown panic attack because he lost his company car keys and thinks it may lead to his firing. He goes to a bottomless brunch to deal with stress. I see my phone start vibrating. It’s my dad and there is absolutely no chance I am mentally prepared to talk to him. In all likelihood he wants to ask me about the college basketball games over the weekend or even a shot Tiger Woods just hit.
But there is a chance something is wrong at home, a chance I overdrew my bank account over the weekend, things that I am in no way prepared to handle on a Sunday. I twice hit the ignore button and 20 minutes later when I receive a text asking if everything is OK, I can barely muster the energy to just respond ‘yes.’

For those of us that chose to live this life we’ve managed to freeze time in a way. I still look substantially younger than my age, often mistaken for 23 or 24. I have a hairstyle that a college kid might sport, I wear hoodies to work. I’ve maintained an athletic frame. Sure, some fortuitous genetics might be at play there but sometimes it seems I’ve tricked my body into not aging. Perhaps it’s the fact that I get 12 hours of sleep on Sundays when I don’t get out of bed until 3pm. Or that my liver is so busy processing alcohol and fast food that my body has forgotten to start turning me grey. I don’t look GOOD per se, just perpetually like a 20something on the back end of a bender. Nothing a shower and a good night’s sleep can’t fix.

But also frozen in time is a lifestyle. I’m still living paycheck to paycheck in a starter apartment with multiple roommates. I’ve bounced around entry level jobs in the entertainment industry because of a mix of bad luck and personality conflicts. Well and probably poor performance, let’s be real. While more and more people look to real life responsibilities, I keep existing in a kind of vortex in which 2011 never ended.

People are always happy to see me, I think it reminds them of a simpler time; a guy who just wants to have fun, a person who doesn’t stress about the insecurities of growing older. As you can imagine though the romantic relationships are typically brief and fleeting. Women our age aren’t looking for a guy who his friends refer to as ‘a hero.’ They aren’t looking for the life of the party. They want a dependable partner, someone they could see a future with. Some may find me acceptable for the night, especially coming off a break-up. Being in proximity to me will certainly make you feel young again, if only for a short while before you return to reality. I’m a good hang but it could never be serious.

Depression as humor has really taken over on the internet. People love to use a self-deprecating tone to laugh at their inability to find a partner, poke fun at their unwillingness to get out of bed every morning or satirize the fact that they often stay in at night and cry. In psychology this would probably be considered a displacement, I’ll take my sad feelings and use them to make others laugh! Whereas the life I live turns into a classic regression. I try to push out of my mind any feelings of negativity and just focus on getting to the next good thing. I just need to make it to the weekend, this trip I have planned, this holiday, this movie release. The problem of course is, these good things come and pass while I remain empty.

Sure, it is a way to live but there has to be something more to life than ripping it with the boys all weekend and limping through a week until the following Friday, living vicariously through my own past accomplishments doing deep dives through a TimeHop history that once revealed a future of so much promise.

People that I haven’t seen in a while will often give me a wide smile and say things like ‘you haven’t changed a bit’ which I’m sure is intended as a compliment or at least a term of endearment but it also reminds me that my feet have been stuck in mud really since college and all I have to show for it is a few free t shirts I got as wrap gifts.

I rarely write seriously on this blog because it’s much more fun to write about dating and hard living than it is to be honest with oneself. But for those who always assumed I wasn’t self aware, I assure you the smile is often a mask as I’ve been hanging on by a thin thread for quite a while at this point. It’s an interesting position to be in when everyone loves you but also kind of perceives you to be kind of a joke, unfortunately myself and countless others in my position do nothing that would lead one to draw any other conclusion.

Some may see this as a cry for help, but I promise it isn’t. I write so much stuff on here the glamorizes debauchery. Sure, it’s an ACT to a certain extent and most of my more autobiographical writing comes in tv and film where my last three projects have been 1. About a guy at IU. 2. About a guy and his relationship with his conservative father and 3. A chick who wants to run away from life’s challenges and live in a hostel.

That said, it helps to be open and honest on here sometimes as well, it freshens my perspective and helps me clear my thoughts and reset my goals for what trials and tribulations lay in wait. At the moment, I’m not necessarily where I want to be or who I want to be, but at least I know who I am and where I want to go.

Tuesday, March 27, 2018

FUCKBOY MADNESS: Final Four


I know what you're thinking.

1. I skipped the Elite 8
2. The bracket format and college basketball have been beaten to death at this point.

You're correct! So today I will crown a champion and be done with this gimmick that went on far too long.

BUT FIRST...

My podcast is live! You can subscribe on Apple just like with a normal podcast.

https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/beer-a-hole/id1364179632?mt=2

I've wanted a podcast for a very long time. Originally I was going to do a podcast about the O.C. because I think it is the greatest show of all time. In the pilot episode the antagonist is wearing puka shells, driving a lifted truck, punches the protagonist in the face and utters the line "Welcome to the OC bitch. This is how we do it in Orange County."

It's magical. I could do a 12 part series on that scene alone.

Anyway, I came up with the idea of calling it the brO.C. which would have been a blatant rip off Gilmore Guys but I'm positive I am funnier than them. I was working on a show with a bunch of OC alums and could have gotten great interviews. I just needed a partner. At first I thought about my friend Kevin, then Nick, then my roommate Sarah. I even wrote an outline for that unfortunately Sarah did not share the same affinity for teen soaps that I do.

Then I was going to do it with a girl named Libby which would have been great because she has two Soho House memberships and I think she wants to be famous just as bad as I do. Alas we got drunk and were too hungover to record on a Sunday so the dream died.

Cut to 2018 I am horrendously drunk at James Beach with a couple of my buds and we are all bitching about making things for other people. I float the idea of a podcast. Sure, but what do we talk about?

Well, we're on a golf chain that gets about 400 messages a day. We are all in a fantasy golf league, we play golf, we've been to two PGA events already this year. We'll record on Sundays with a special guest. We'll try to use fake names for when I inevitably cross the line. It will be a comedy podcast that happens to mention golf.

Our first episode was recorded after St. Patrick's Day and honestly you'll probably never hear it. I consumed two bottles of Rex Goliath merlot and uttered the phrase "Fatty Reed is a fucking TWAT." At least 12 times. Last week we cleaned it up a bit and posted what you hear above. Whether we get 10 listeners or 10,000 we'll aim to record every Sunday of the PGA season and hopefully have some fun along the way. Regardless, it feels good to make something.

TO THE BRACKET...


In the northeast quadrant Trust Fund gave cocaine a run for its money but lost in overtime due to cocaine's miraculous energy burst late. May have to check those guys for performance enhancing substances.

In the southeast Murray Hill beat frats in an ugly game as both teams seem to be on the downslide.

In the northwest Ghosting obliterated the upstart 'U up?' and in the Southwest in another non competitive game Benching dominated male feminists in what some reporters called 'an actual hate crime.'

The final four....

Ghosting vs. Benching

Cocaine vs Murray Hill

Breaking down the West Final (fuckboy habits)
Ghosting vs Benching is almost a battle of the old vs the new. Ghosting has been around since the beginning of time. Sure it has changed as the 'You never called" has been replaced by the "You stopped answering my texts.'

Conversely benching is a relatively new phenomenon. It's easier than ever to arrange a suitable army of back-up chicks when you think things with your main chick may be about to head south. Tinder, Bumble, Coffee Meets Bagel all these stupid apps are engineered in a way that you could have a side piece in every neighborhood of Los Angeles and if you have the skill none of them may be aware of the other. I'm sure this behavior too has been going on forever, but now it's easier than ever. If you have the attention span to capably text six women at once, Benching should be a breeze.

Breaking down the East Final (fuckboy lifestyle)
Interestingly enough Cocaine and Murray Hill are two blue blood programs that have seen better days. It's almost like a North Caroline Indiana matchup on the east side of the bracket. Murray Hill seems to have been replaced by the hipper, younger, Brooklyn. Whereas casual cocaine usage seems to have gone out of favor for either Adderall or just not being a drug addict.

However because these trends are cyclical and teams only need to get hot at the right time, both have made a deep run. Hell, in winter in New York it helps to be close to the action in Manhattan and possibly the only thing strong enough to convince you to go out in 15 degree weather is a couple chalkers and disco naps.

*********************************************************************

In the west Ghosting won fairly convincingly. As Omar Little once said 'You come at the King, you best not miss.' Benching failed to rise to the occasion.

The east matchup was much closer but Murray Hill faded down the stretch as their mind was probably on the fact that their $5,500 rent payment on their 700 square foot studio was due Friday and they spent too much $ on cocaine last weekend to cover it.

The early money was on cocaine to take the title. As they always say, if you see someone on a coke bender, get out of the way. But some very hefty wagers on Ghosting by the wise guys late moved this line to a pick 'em.

Cocaine got off to a great start, but really started to hit a wall in the second half. The players started complaining about sinus pain and needing a cigarette. By the end of the game half the team was on the bench with nose bleeds.

Ghosting prevailed in Fuckboy madness and cut the nets while ignoring the texts from every woman they had slept with during the tournament.

When asked why he thought they won, the ghosting coach was quoted as saying. "Well hey, we all know cocaine makes your dick not work, right? In order to be a true Fuckboy, don't you need to be able to, ya know, fuck?"

Truer words have never been spoken. Please join me in congratulating the winners of the 2018 FUCKBOY MADNESS, Ghosting!

Friday, March 23, 2018

Happier

How are you doing? It's a light, innocuous question but interestingly enough the true answer could be quite dark. The expected answer is 'great' or at the very minimum 'all right.' Very rarely will the person say "Actually I'm terrible, I lost my job, I'm in debt, my marriage is failing and I think I have developed gout.' There are certain social norms that prevent us from talking about our feelings even with those closest to us like family and friends. Bearing this in mind, I wanted to try a thought experiment and attempt to track my relative happiness over my whole life.

I assigned each year with a score of 1-10 based on how happy I think I was at that age.

A score of 1 would indicate that I was actively looking for a bridge to throw myself off of
A score of 10 would indicate that I was feeling like I was peaking on Molly and wanted to call everyone in my phone and tell them I love them.

Of course this is not entirely scientific, I may remember things being better or worse than they were at the time, but I wanted to plot this on a graph and make some observations about life, both mine and growing up in a more general sense.

The results...


Looks something like an interval training regimen on an elliptical machine.

The Negative
The first observation is the three obvious dips.

They start at 12, 22 and 30.

This coincides with the beginning of middle school, the end of college and the end of the 20's.

Middle school was probably the worst time in my life. I believe I hit a low point of 3 at the age of 13. I'm pretty sure I was not alone in this, in fact just last year there was a movie released called 'Middle School: The Worst Years of My Life.' Middle school blows. Kids are mean, social politics are bullshit and everyone is starting to go through puberty. I can't even remember much, it's like I repressed all the awkwardness.

The next drop is the end of college which even if you didn't have a wonderful collegiate experience that I did, it's easy to see how living with zero responsibility to getting a job and paying bills would shock the system to nearly anyone.

The final drop is at 30 which likely coincides with professional frustration and angst about aging.

The Positive
The next observation is the three obvious rebounds. YOUR BOY IS A SECOND HALF TEAM.

After the middle school debacle, my happiness slowly climbed through high school until reaching a lifetime high in college. FIVE YEARS OF TENS IN A ROW. Some people don't get five tens their whole lives.

The next rebound begins at 24 when I moved to Los Angeles. This shows that I was willing to make a change, if something isn't working, fix it. I had a decent run in LA before faltering again at 30, which leads to the last rebound.

At 30 I spent a year feeling sorry for myself and thinking about all the mistakes that I had made and if I had done one thing different everything would be OK. At 31, I think I just said 'fuck it' and learned to live with myself for better or worse.

Random musings

I maintained a very happy childhood except for that first year where I almost died at birth, but after that 0-6 was pretty rad. I credit my mom for lots of trips to the park and Disney World.

2001 was my lowest happiness rating, it's also when 9/11 happened so I think we could argue that my happiness is unequivocally tied to the happiness of the USA.

Conversely my 2005-2010 happiness was maxed out coinciding with the first four seasons of Gossip Girl. Season 5 everything in the show and my life seemed to deteriorate, so I can blame Chuck Bass for all of my shortcomings.

Conclusions
It seems I have always been happier when nothing matters. As a kid? Happy as a clam? As a college student? On top of the world! Navigating pubescent relationships and the crushing realities of the real world? Not the greatest. But I've proven resilient, I've never bottomed out and I always manage to rebound to at least a 6 or 7. Life is never going to be as simple as it once was, but that doesn't mean I can't hope for the best.