Wednesday, April 11, 2018

The Fourish Reasons People Go Out


Thank you all for your kind feedback on my last blog. I really appreciate all the support. My goal was to touch on some of the general angst of aging and the insecurities we all feel. I'm not great at talking about how I feel in person so it's nice for me to be able to put them on paper once in a while.

That said, I've got a question this week...

Why do people go out? A myriad of reasons I'm sure, but I think I've drilled it down to four primary categories. So please accompany me on this social experiment and let's get to the bottom of it.

PRIMARY (STATED) REASONS

Reason 1: Sex
This one is easy. You go out because you think you are going to get laid either in the short term or the long term. The short term play sees you approaching a girl on a crowded dance floor and performing the entire choreographed dance from "Bye, Bye, Bye" thinking that will convince a girl to at least go make out with you in the corner. On the long term side, maybe you will meet someone there and they will ask you out on a proper date! For the purposes of this exercise those are the same.

Reason 2: Rage
Just as sage old Alfred said 'Some men just want to watch the world burn.' Some people are just here to get fucked up. They like to drink because of the great unknown. Tonight could end in a strip club in Tijuana or a hot tub in the Hollywood Hills. Either one would be acceptable really, but the only way to get there is to drink more and always say YES. Call the dealer, cancel tomorrow's plans, we're watching the sun rise tonight.

Reason 3: Stunt
You've got money to burn and you want people to know it. Maybe you like the idea of being in control, it's an ego thing so you pick up every check, buy every bottle so people call you 'daddy.' It might not even be a sex thing, maybe you just want to assert dominance over a certain section of people. Maybe you want to make someone jealous, or maybe you just followed Dan Bilzerian on Insta too long and figured that's the best way to live.

Reason 4: Socialize
This is a bit of a catch all. This is why reasonably well adjusted people go out. They go out because they want to get out of the house, to see friends, check out a new hot spot, maybe dance. They are not necessarily interested in pulling some strange, hitting a high score on a breathalyzer or spending in the four figures, they just wanna go out ya know?

OK this would be a very obvious and short blog if we stopped here, but there are secondary reasons people go out. This is usually more of a nefarious hidden agenda or a reason for hitting the town that informs their primary reason. None of these reasons can stand alone but they can change the direction of the evening...

SECONDARY (HIDDEN) AGENDAS

Agenda A: Spend Nothing
Spending nothing can't be a primary reason for going out because you can spend nothing just sitting at home and drinking rubbing alcohol. However, you can attempt to do all of the primary reasons while also attempting to spend as little as possible.

Agenda B: Revenge
Similar to the stated reason of stunting, the hidden agenda of revenge switches from making yourself look cool to hurting someone's feelings.

Agenda C: Secret Hookup
Similar to sex but this time you don't want anyone to know about it.

Agenda D: The sneaky black-out
Sure, you told your girlfriend that you were going out to catch up with the boys. That was a lie.

NOW LET'S ADD THEM UP

On any given night there are a thousand different things you can do in LA, but what is the ideal night out when we combine some of these stated reasons and hidden agendas for hitting the town.

1a. You're going out to meet chicks but you don't want to spend a dime.
House party, ideally at one of your female friends' house with a ton of her friends that you don't know yet. You have a warm open since you were invited there and it's assumed that you aren't a serial killer. There are full bottles of vodka in the kitchen so anyone with half an ounce of charm and some quick thinking can come up with some terrible drinking game that will end with you making out with some random in the closet.

1b. You're going out to meet chicks but also piss off your ex.
Wherever your ex is. Then you're going to aggressively pursue women right in front of her, buying them drinks, public displays of affection and a very public exit together. That will show her.

1c. You're going out to meet chicks but also hook-up on the down low.
That's too much of a double negative.

1d. You're going out to meet chicks and/or black out.
You can go anywhere, wherever you go there will be women and booze, and hey if you strike out, worst case scenario you pound the bottle until you forget all of your shortcomings as a man and wake up in a puddle of your own urine. Win/win really.

2a. You're here to paint the town red and spend exactly 12 dollars.
Fortunately for you $12 is the exact price of 4 Four Lokos at your local 7/11. You can probably also get a bottle of bottom shelf vodka for approximately the same. Your perfect night is a free concert in at the street fest a few blocks away. You can get blind drunk shouting the words to Sugar Ray's "When It's Over" and still have enough money for a 2 buck chuck night cap.

2b. You're here to rage and ruin someone's day.
The office Christmas party is the most reasonable place to do this. You pound the Merlot at the open bar all night until you are nice and loose enough to say to Margot, the office gossip, 'Oh, you didn't know that me and Janet from Accounting were fucking?' You just walk away smiling knowing that Margot will do the rest. Hopefully Janet's husband doesn't mind.

2c. The Irish Goodbye
Tell me if you recognize this story: One of your pals recommends a random ass bar or party way across town. You guys show up and your friend immediately disappears. The next day he says something like 'oh man, I was so fucked up, I ubered home alone.' That is a lie, he has a mistress that lives in Echo Park.

2d. The raging secret black out
One cannot fundamentally keep their black out a secret if they tell you about it.

3a. The Poor Stuntman
Spending nothing and balling out may seem to be opposing forces but there are other ways to lord over a party such as a wedding with an open bar. The guy with the sickest dance moves, who sets up the limbo, who gets Double Dutch going and inevitably sneaks a bottle from behind the bar straight to the after party is the guy who will wake up with a bridesmaid.

3b. Stunting as revenge?
Stunting in front of anyone that you hate is implied revenge, nothing more needs to be said on this.

3c. The sneaky Stuntman
A rare move, but a strong one. This is the guy that takes you all to Bungalow and buys you bottles as a distraction so he can quietly vanish with a hooker into room 837 of the Fairmont.

3d. The classy black-out
This is the guy that buys 17 bottles of wine at dinner because if you get shitfaced while spending a lot of money it doesn't make you an alcoholic, it makes you wealthy.

4a. The responsible human
This person wants to see their friends but not break the bank. They may just have a couple beers and go home. How about that!

4b. The upper road guy
This guy just wants to get back out there and show his ex that she didn't crush his spirit. This in itself is a form of revenge to show her that you are doing better without her.

4c. Maybe tonight's the night
This guy just wants to see his friends, but also he's madly in love with one of them and you never know...tonight could be the night.

4d. The Yes man
This guy just wanted to see his pals but he knows the type of people that are going to be there, he knows he doesn't have any plans tomorrow. We'll just see what happens right? He's never too disappointed when he ends up rolling in a warehouse in Boyle Heights.

SO THERE YOU GO. Everyone is a liar and they're always angling for something they don't want to say out loud. It's ok, it's just part of being young...ish.





Wednesday, March 28, 2018

The Loneliness of the American Savage



It’s Two O’clock in the afternoon as I lay on an old couch that I bought used from a friend after a bed bug infestation destroyed all the furniture. I’m trying to watch golf and calm down after a weekend of extreme drinking. My endorphin count is negative.

Elsewhere one of my two roommates is having a full blown panic attack because he lost his company car keys and thinks it may lead to his firing. He goes to a bottomless brunch to deal with stress. I see my phone start vibrating. It’s my dad and there is absolutely no chance I am mentally prepared to talk to him. In all likelihood he wants to ask me about the college basketball games over the weekend or even a shot Tiger Woods just hit.
But there is a chance something is wrong at home, a chance I overdrew my bank account over the weekend, things that I am in no way prepared to handle on a Sunday. I twice hit the ignore button and 20 minutes later when I receive a text asking if everything is OK, I can barely muster the energy to just respond ‘yes.’

For those of us that chose to live this life we’ve managed to freeze time in a way. I still look substantially younger than my age, often mistaken for 23 or 24. I have a hairstyle that a college kid might sport, I wear hoodies to work. I’ve maintained an athletic frame. Sure, some fortuitous genetics might be at play there but sometimes it seems I’ve tricked my body into not aging. Perhaps it’s the fact that I get 12 hours of sleep on Sundays when I don’t get out of bed until 3pm. Or that my liver is so busy processing alcohol and fast food that my body has forgotten to start turning me grey. I don’t look GOOD per se, just perpetually like a 20something on the back end of a bender. Nothing a shower and a good night’s sleep can’t fix.

But also frozen in time is a lifestyle. I’m still living paycheck to paycheck in a starter apartment with multiple roommates. I’ve bounced around entry level jobs in the entertainment industry because of a mix of bad luck and personality conflicts. Well and probably poor performance, let’s be real. While more and more people look to real life responsibilities, I keep existing in a kind of vortex in which 2011 never ended.

People are always happy to see me, I think it reminds them of a simpler time; a guy who just wants to have fun, a person who doesn’t stress about the insecurities of growing older. As you can imagine though the romantic relationships are typically brief and fleeting. Women our age aren’t looking for a guy who his friends refer to as ‘a hero.’ They aren’t looking for the life of the party. They want a dependable partner, someone they could see a future with. Some may find me acceptable for the night, especially coming off a break-up. Being in proximity to me will certainly make you feel young again, if only for a short while before you return to reality. I’m a good hang but it could never be serious.

Depression as humor has really taken over on the internet. People love to use a self-deprecating tone to laugh at their inability to find a partner, poke fun at their unwillingness to get out of bed every morning or satirize the fact that they often stay in at night and cry. In psychology this would probably be considered a displacement, I’ll take my sad feelings and use them to make others laugh! Whereas the life I live turns into a classic regression. I try to push out of my mind any feelings of negativity and just focus on getting to the next good thing. I just need to make it to the weekend, this trip I have planned, this holiday, this movie release. The problem of course is, these good things come and pass while I remain empty.

Sure, it is a way to live but there has to be something more to life than ripping it with the boys all weekend and limping through a week until the following Friday, living vicariously through my own past accomplishments doing deep dives through a TimeHop history that once revealed a future of so much promise.

People that I haven’t seen in a while will often give me a wide smile and say things like ‘you haven’t changed a bit’ which I’m sure is intended as a compliment or at least a term of endearment but it also reminds me that my feet have been stuck in mud really since college and all I have to show for it is a few free t shirts I got as wrap gifts.

I rarely write seriously on this blog because it’s much more fun to write about dating and hard living than it is to be honest with oneself. But for those who always assumed I wasn’t self aware, I assure you the smile is often a mask as I’ve been hanging on by a thin thread for quite a while at this point. It’s an interesting position to be in when everyone loves you but also kind of perceives you to be kind of a joke, unfortunately myself and countless others in my position do nothing that would lead one to draw any other conclusion.

Some may see this as a cry for help, but I promise it isn’t. I write so much stuff on here the glamorizes debauchery. Sure, it’s an ACT to a certain extent and most of my more autobiographical writing comes in tv and film where my last three projects have been 1. About a guy at IU. 2. About a guy and his relationship with his conservative father and 3. A chick who wants to run away from life’s challenges and live in a hostel.

That said, it helps to be open and honest on here sometimes as well, it freshens my perspective and helps me clear my thoughts and reset my goals for what trials and tribulations lay in wait. At the moment, I’m not necessarily where I want to be or who I want to be, but at least I know who I am and where I want to go.

Tuesday, March 27, 2018

FUCKBOY MADNESS: Final Four


I know what you're thinking.

1. I skipped the Elite 8
2. The bracket format and college basketball have been beaten to death at this point.

You're correct! So today I will crown a champion and be done with this gimmick that went on far too long.

BUT FIRST...

My podcast is live! You can subscribe on Apple just like with a normal podcast.

https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/beer-a-hole/id1364179632?mt=2

I've wanted a podcast for a very long time. Originally I was going to do a podcast about the O.C. because I think it is the greatest show of all time. In the pilot episode the antagonist is wearing puka shells, driving a lifted truck, punches the protagonist in the face and utters the line "Welcome to the OC bitch. This is how we do it in Orange County."

It's magical. I could do a 12 part series on that scene alone.

Anyway, I came up with the idea of calling it the brO.C. which would have been a blatant rip off Gilmore Guys but I'm positive I am funnier than them. I was working on a show with a bunch of OC alums and could have gotten great interviews. I just needed a partner. At first I thought about my friend Kevin, then Nick, then my roommate Sarah. I even wrote an outline for that unfortunately Sarah did not share the same affinity for teen soaps that I do.

Then I was going to do it with a girl named Libby which would have been great because she has two Soho House memberships and I think she wants to be famous just as bad as I do. Alas we got drunk and were too hungover to record on a Sunday so the dream died.

Cut to 2018 I am horrendously drunk at James Beach with a couple of my buds and we are all bitching about making things for other people. I float the idea of a podcast. Sure, but what do we talk about?

Well, we're on a golf chain that gets about 400 messages a day. We are all in a fantasy golf league, we play golf, we've been to two PGA events already this year. We'll record on Sundays with a special guest. We'll try to use fake names for when I inevitably cross the line. It will be a comedy podcast that happens to mention golf.

Our first episode was recorded after St. Patrick's Day and honestly you'll probably never hear it. I consumed two bottles of Rex Goliath merlot and uttered the phrase "Fatty Reed is a fucking TWAT." At least 12 times. Last week we cleaned it up a bit and posted what you hear above. Whether we get 10 listeners or 10,000 we'll aim to record every Sunday of the PGA season and hopefully have some fun along the way. Regardless, it feels good to make something.

TO THE BRACKET...


In the northeast quadrant Trust Fund gave cocaine a run for its money but lost in overtime due to cocaine's miraculous energy burst late. May have to check those guys for performance enhancing substances.

In the southeast Murray Hill beat frats in an ugly game as both teams seem to be on the downslide.

In the northwest Ghosting obliterated the upstart 'U up?' and in the Southwest in another non competitive game Benching dominated male feminists in what some reporters called 'an actual hate crime.'

The final four....

Ghosting vs. Benching

Cocaine vs Murray Hill

Breaking down the West Final (fuckboy habits)
Ghosting vs Benching is almost a battle of the old vs the new. Ghosting has been around since the beginning of time. Sure it has changed as the 'You never called" has been replaced by the "You stopped answering my texts.'

Conversely benching is a relatively new phenomenon. It's easier than ever to arrange a suitable army of back-up chicks when you think things with your main chick may be about to head south. Tinder, Bumble, Coffee Meets Bagel all these stupid apps are engineered in a way that you could have a side piece in every neighborhood of Los Angeles and if you have the skill none of them may be aware of the other. I'm sure this behavior too has been going on forever, but now it's easier than ever. If you have the attention span to capably text six women at once, Benching should be a breeze.

Breaking down the East Final (fuckboy lifestyle)
Interestingly enough Cocaine and Murray Hill are two blue blood programs that have seen better days. It's almost like a North Caroline Indiana matchup on the east side of the bracket. Murray Hill seems to have been replaced by the hipper, younger, Brooklyn. Whereas casual cocaine usage seems to have gone out of favor for either Adderall or just not being a drug addict.

However because these trends are cyclical and teams only need to get hot at the right time, both have made a deep run. Hell, in winter in New York it helps to be close to the action in Manhattan and possibly the only thing strong enough to convince you to go out in 15 degree weather is a couple chalkers and disco naps.

*********************************************************************

In the west Ghosting won fairly convincingly. As Omar Little once said 'You come at the King, you best not miss.' Benching failed to rise to the occasion.

The east matchup was much closer but Murray Hill faded down the stretch as their mind was probably on the fact that their $5,500 rent payment on their 700 square foot studio was due Friday and they spent too much $ on cocaine last weekend to cover it.

The early money was on cocaine to take the title. As they always say, if you see someone on a coke bender, get out of the way. But some very hefty wagers on Ghosting by the wise guys late moved this line to a pick 'em.

Cocaine got off to a great start, but really started to hit a wall in the second half. The players started complaining about sinus pain and needing a cigarette. By the end of the game half the team was on the bench with nose bleeds.

Ghosting prevailed in Fuckboy madness and cut the nets while ignoring the texts from every woman they had slept with during the tournament.

When asked why he thought they won, the ghosting coach was quoted as saying. "Well hey, we all know cocaine makes your dick not work, right? In order to be a true Fuckboy, don't you need to be able to, ya know, fuck?"

Truer words have never been spoken. Please join me in congratulating the winners of the 2018 FUCKBOY MADNESS, Ghosting!

Friday, March 23, 2018

Happier

How are you doing? It's a light, innocuous question but interestingly enough the true answer could be quite dark. The expected answer is 'great' or at the very minimum 'all right.' Very rarely will the person say "Actually I'm terrible, I lost my job, I'm in debt, my marriage is failing and I think I have developed gout.' There are certain social norms that prevent us from talking about our feelings even with those closest to us like family and friends. Bearing this in mind, I wanted to try a thought experiment and attempt to track my relative happiness over my whole life.

I assigned each year with a score of 1-10 based on how happy I think I was at that age.

A score of 1 would indicate that I was actively looking for a bridge to throw myself off of
A score of 10 would indicate that I was feeling like I was peaking on Molly and wanted to call everyone in my phone and tell them I love them.

Of course this is not entirely scientific, I may remember things being better or worse than they were at the time, but I wanted to plot this on a graph and make some observations about life, both mine and growing up in a more general sense.

The results...


Looks something like an interval training regimen on an elliptical machine.

The Negative
The first observation is the three obvious dips.

They start at 12, 22 and 30.

This coincides with the beginning of middle school, the end of college and the end of the 20's.

Middle school was probably the worst time in my life. I believe I hit a low point of 3 at the age of 13. I'm pretty sure I was not alone in this, in fact just last year there was a movie released called 'Middle School: The Worst Years of My Life.' Middle school blows. Kids are mean, social politics are bullshit and everyone is starting to go through puberty. I can't even remember much, it's like I repressed all the awkwardness.

The next drop is the end of college which even if you didn't have a wonderful collegiate experience that I did, it's easy to see how living with zero responsibility to getting a job and paying bills would shock the system to nearly anyone.

The final drop is at 30 which likely coincides with professional frustration and angst about aging.

The Positive
The next observation is the three obvious rebounds. YOUR BOY IS A SECOND HALF TEAM.

After the middle school debacle, my happiness slowly climbed through high school until reaching a lifetime high in college. FIVE YEARS OF TENS IN A ROW. Some people don't get five tens their whole lives.

The next rebound begins at 24 when I moved to Los Angeles. This shows that I was willing to make a change, if something isn't working, fix it. I had a decent run in LA before faltering again at 30, which leads to the last rebound.

At 30 I spent a year feeling sorry for myself and thinking about all the mistakes that I had made and if I had done one thing different everything would be OK. At 31, I think I just said 'fuck it' and learned to live with myself for better or worse.

Random musings

I maintained a very happy childhood except for that first year where I almost died at birth, but after that 0-6 was pretty rad. I credit my mom for lots of trips to the park and Disney World.

2001 was my lowest happiness rating, it's also when 9/11 happened so I think we could argue that my happiness is unequivocally tied to the happiness of the USA.

Conversely my 2005-2010 happiness was maxed out coinciding with the first four seasons of Gossip Girl. Season 5 everything in the show and my life seemed to deteriorate, so I can blame Chuck Bass for all of my shortcomings.

Conclusions
It seems I have always been happier when nothing matters. As a kid? Happy as a clam? As a college student? On top of the world! Navigating pubescent relationships and the crushing realities of the real world? Not the greatest. But I've proven resilient, I've never bottomed out and I always manage to rebound to at least a 6 or 7. Life is never going to be as simple as it once was, but that doesn't mean I can't hope for the best.

Tuesday, March 20, 2018

FUCKBOY MADNESS: Sweet 16


I need to stop saying yes to things. I commit to any trip under the sun despite having a negative net worth. I do things like agree to meet people at Bungalow despite having 7% battery and knowing I will end up walking home 4 miles including past the fucking LA Marathon course.

It's a disease. I say yes because I am a people pleaser. But really all I want to do is sit on my couch or party in extreme proximity to my house. People like to say things to me like 'hey wouldn't it be fun to get out of Venice for a night?' No. It fucking wouldn't. Maybe for you a change of scenery and some 'creative cocktails' sounds nice. For me it just seems like I'm setting myself up for some awful present day Odyssey where I find myself blacked out and alone with a dead phone in Echo Park and I have to make my way home before sunrise or an angry drug dealer will kill my cat. It's like a terrible remake of The Warriors.

Usually my week looks like this.
Sunday: I'm not moving off the couch and I'm never drinking again.
Monday: I'm going to suffer through work and then come home and go to bed at 8pm.
Tuesday: Hey I can actually speak today, also still no desire to drink! Must not be an alcoholic, yay!
Wednesday: This is the type of night it would be nice to have a girlfriend and 'accidentally' finish a bottle and a half while not moving off the couch.
Thursday: Well it's basically the weekend and Three Wishes bottles are only $2.99...
Friday: Ok I'll go out as long as I can walk there.
Saturday: 9am I WILL SAY YES TO LITERALLY ANYTHING YOU ASK ME? WANNA GO TO VEGAS? FUCK YA! WANNA MURDER SOMEONE? I'M IN! LET'S CARRY OUT A 16 HOUR BENDER THAT WILL GIVE ME CRIPPLING ANXIETY FOR THE NEXT WEEK!

...and this behavior has been repeating itself for well over 10 years now. And yes, I am setting you all up for me saying no to all of your requests from now until Saturday.

Let's look at the bracket...

What a wild weekend of games, right? Trust Funds became the first SECOND 16 seed to ever upset a number one! I guess the 'entrepreneur fuckboys finally figured out that thirsty women would rather you not pretend to have a job and just cop to that family money homie!

The full results, favorites in bold:

Ghosting over 'being out of town'
Send nudes over 'I'm sick'
U up over Netflix and Chill
Friends in town over Dead phone
Breadcrumbing over negging
Calling yourself a feminist over splitting the check
benching over zombieing
cushioning over love bombing

No real surprises in the Fuckboy behavior region. Friends in town over dead phone actually makes a lot of sense when you think about it because a friend could presumably be in town for ten days and if you kept your phone dead of ten days you would be a psychopath.

Calling yourself a feminist was a minor upset over splitting the check but you could have seen it coming a mile away because a true fuckboy wouldn't take you near a restaurant.

So our Sweet 16 match-ups in this region are
Ghosting vs Send Nudes
U up? vs Friends were in town
Breadcrumbing vs. Feminist
Benching vs Cushioning

Honestly wouldn't be surprised to see Send Nudes make it out of this bracket. I realize that no one uses Snap Chat any more but never underestimate the desire of a fuckboy to just jerk off and completely avoid being within miles of you.

Things were much more exciting on the fuckboy lifestyle side of the bracket. The aforementioned Trust funds created a huge upset and now have a favorable run to the final. Drake took out Chuck Bass but now faces a very steep uphill battle with other late night 'afterparty' staple cocaine.

The results:
Trust fund over Entrepreneurs
Slow fade over USC
Drake over Chuck Bass
Cocaine over Entourage
Frats over finance
Cuffed Jeans over Music Festivals
Facial Hair over Scott Disick
Murray Hill over Pastels

The Sweet 16 Matchups are:
Trust funds vs Slow Fade
Drake vs Cocaine
Frats vs Cuffed Jeans
Facial Hair vs Murray Hill

There are going to be some good games this week. Get your popcorn and rose ready.

Tuesday, March 13, 2018

FUCKBOY MADNESS: Round 1

Welcome to Fuckboy Madness, the bracket that hits way too close to home for your pathetic dating life. This year since Indiana basketball blows, I've turned all of my attention to the absolute worst in dating trends for my dear Millenials. If all holds well we will find the king of the fuckboys by the end of the NCAA tournament.

I know the bracket above is blurry as shit, so have no fear I will be posting all of the seeds below as well as some micro analysis on the first round match ups. If you would like to participate feel free to text me your thoughts and perchance I will take them into consideration while I arbitrarily pick all of the winners. ONTO THE MATCHUPS!

*Note the seeds are totally fucked up on the free bracket generator I used, so don't worry about them.

THE FUCKBOY BEHAVIOR REGION
1. Ghosting vs.
16. "I've been out of town"

Ah, the classic guy that stops responding vs the one that gives some lame excuse when you pressure him for answers. Should be an easy win for the one seed.

8. SEND NUDES vs.
9. I'm sick.

Interestingly enough, "I'm sick," Could be used as an excuse NOT to hang out with you, or to get you to send nudes. This should be an interesting battle, might even go to OT.

5. U up? vs.
12. Netflix and Chill?

In this 5/12 game we have the guy that doesn't want to fuck you until he's good and drunk vs the guy that wants to fuck you without spending a penny. Tough call! Could see an early round upset here.

4. My phone was dead all day vs.
13. I had friends in town

Two classic excuses squaring off early. I guess this comes down to whether you like your fuckboys pretending to ignore you because they are riddled with anxiety or they're still behaving like they are 22.

6. Breadcrumbing vs.
11. Negging

Ah yes, the guy that's totally not into you until maybe he is vs the guy that read that stupid book in college and likes to practice the techniques on lonely women. BONUS POINTS IF SHE JUST GOT DUMPED AND IS SUPER VULNERABLE.

3. Splitting the check vs.
14. Proclaiming to be a feminist

The selection committee must have had a sense of humor on this one because this is exactly the type of rationale a 'male feminist' would use when splitting the check.

7. Benching vs.
10. Zombieing

Which is worse, a guy that keeps you around in case his top hook up falls apart, or a guy that doesn't text you for six months and then hits you up out of the blue like nothing fucking happened. I can feel half of your heart rates starting to race, I'm sorry.

2. Cushioning vs.
15. Love Bombing

Cushioning is of course scouting for future prospects while you feel a relationship falling apart to soften the blow when it comes. Love Bombing is going WAY over the top early in a relationship only to not care and make the woman feel totes insecure. Men are awful LOL.

THE FUCKBOY LIFESTYLE REGION

1. "Entrepreneur" vs.
16. Trust Funds

I'm an 'entrepreneur' usually means I have a 'trust fund.' Tough seeding for trust fund, but understandable because they are dope.

8. The slow fade vs.
9. The University of Southern California

Honestly if you combined the two you may be looking at a Final Four team.

5. Chuck Bass vs.
12. Drake

The biggest fictional fuckboy vs. the biggest real one.

4. Cocaine vs.
13. Entourage

Two powerhouse programs with a storied tradition of fuckboying, Entourage and cocaine both had down seasons, but you can never count either of them out.

6. Fraternities vs.
11. Working in Finance

At an 11 seed, working in Finance could be a Cinderella pick to make a run, but a tough draw going against the entire Greek system in the first round, even if with a whirlwind of controversy in the current political climate frats are weaker than ever.

3. Music Festivals
14. Cuffed Jeans

UPSET SPECIAL!! Cuffed Jeans makes their first appearance in FUCKBOY MADNESS against the rapidly declining 'Music Festivals' who are likely overseeded due to past reputation alone. If you're looking to impress your friends with a major dark horse, ride the cuffed jeans far.

7. Facial Hair vs.
10. Scott Disick

Facial hair is the type of mid-major you have to love, especially drawing a team like Scott Disick who had to run the table in the 'reality star fuckboy' conference tournament even to get in.

2. Murray Hill vs.
15. Pastels

Pastels made a solid run in 2010, almost winning the whole tourney before getting knocked out by MDMA but I don't expect the magic to hold in 2018. Despite the rise of Brooklyn, Murray Hill is still a storied program with lots of Tournament experience, wouldn't be surprised to see them take it all the way.

Did your team get snubbed? Do you have hot takes going into the first weekend? I want to hear from you! Enjoy the games and remember TRUtv is 246 on DirecTV.

Wednesday, March 7, 2018

Dating by Decade: 98 vs 08 vs 18


It has to stop.

I have to stop thinking I can go on long weekend benders and then grab a 6am flight on a Monday morning and go straight to work.

It's a great idea in practice, because of course when planning a vacation, you don't want to think about the end of it. That's depressing. Tacking on that Monday flight alleviates a lot of anxiety. It adds a whole extra day to the trip. A day to drink. A day for activities. A day to meet the girl of your dreams and fall in love!

In practice you spend the whole day hungover dreading your 4am wake up call, 6am flight and 9am work day. Your plan back fires and your Sunday scaries give you a full fledged panic attack.

Alas, when I finally returned home from Park City last night I wanted nothing more than to lay on the couch and watch pathetic reality TV. I couldn't properly relax though due to one of my roommates pacing back and forth like he had a gun fight in the morning.

"What are you doing?"

"Uh, this Bumble chick...she wants me to...call her."

I asked no follow up questions because I immediately understood his general unease.

Call her? What the fuck was she thinking? I don't like talking to my closest friends and family on the phone, let alone some stranger who I'm just trying to get nudes from. We came to the conclusion that maybe she's just old fashioned or early onset carpal tunnel in her texting fingers. For sure strange.

I can't remember the last time I called a girl on the phone that I was interested in. If I call a girl on the phone we are either already dating or it is deliver some vital information like "I'm outside in the uber and he's being a douche, come out now." But it hasn't always been this way.

Prologue:
Back in 1998, I remember the fear of calling a girl's house during middle school. Worst case scenario her dad would answer and I would immediately hang up. BEST case scenario my middle school crush would answer and we would...talk? About what? I don't have a fucking clue. My middle school girl friend used to page me (yes I had a pager get on my fucking level) and then I would call her and sit around on the phone and try to re-enact bad movie clich├ęs. YOU HANG UP FIRST.

By 2008, everyone had cell phones and I was largely off the "phone call" train. But I also didn't send THAT many texts during hours of business. I typically stuck to texting girls the evening plans and then going through my phone book at 3 in the morning and sending 'U up?' BBMs to anyone that I thought I had a better than 3% chance of boning. Because in college I went out every night and usually if I was interested in a girl I would just start dancing with her until either she ran away because I was too sweaty or we started making out. That's how college relationships work.

Now in 2018, people are afraid to leave the house and communicate strictly via dating apps and texting. Asking a girl out is easier than ever. You don't have to call her dad, you don't have to approach her at a shitty dive bar. There is an implication that she might want to date by the very fact that you are talking to each other on a dating app. If you DO ask her out and she says no, you can just delete the message and pretend like it never happened. There will be no fallout at school (Haha Moeller asked out Laura and she said NO!!!!) There will be no fallout in your social scene (But didn't you just try to fuck my sorority sister last week) No, no one knows each other now so if you shoot your shot and miss no one will ever fucking know.

The Question:
All that said, in which of these three decades was dating the easiest? Which was it the hardest? I'm operating under the assumption that most readers will generally be the same age as me and this could just as easily be is dating easier in your teens, 20s or 30s. But I think it's fun to tie in the decade specifically all the technologies that I mentioned in this article. 

1998; an overview.
I was extremely good at sports. I had all the best video games. I was 6'3 and had a subpar basement compared to my richer friends. Despite this, I was painfully uncool and terrible with girls. 1998 me relates to the male protagonist in 13 Reasons Why, Ryan Gosling from Remember the Titans, with a splash of Lady Bird wishing she had the better house.

How to date in 1998:
Well as an 11 year old, I couldn't drive. Any time I wanted to go hang out with a girl, someone's parents would have to drive. The likely destination would be a movie theater or someone's basement. Sometimes there would be a pool or a hot tub involved. There was no alcohol. I honestly can't remember what I did with the opposite sex before alcohol.

What makes you desirable:
Looks, humor, how much money your parents make.

How to communicate:
Home phones and AIM, but really home phones. AIM launched in 1997 so it existed in 1998 but it was far from main stream. It was rare for anyone to have that second dedicated phone line for dial up internet and cable modems were still a couple years away for most. In theory you could talk to girls at school but that's way too scary.

Ya, if you wanted to ask a girl out you would have to sack up and call the house and say something incredibly lame like 'Hey, it's David from school, is Ally there?' Fathers were the worst gate keepers, sometimes there would be follow up questions like "What do you want to talk about?" or just flat out no "Ally can't talk on the phone after 7." Additionally, there was always the fear that dad would stay on the phone and listen to you. Fuck that.

The good:
Dating in 1998 was innocent. No one was getting their heart broken. There was no ghosting, bread crumbing, submarining, caspering or whatever the fuck the kids are doing today. Also any middle school 'hook ups' were rather benign so it's not like there was ever a situation in which someone could feel taken advantage of.

The bad:
No booze, phone calls, no texting, supervised hang outs, waiting for birthday invitations to your crush's roller skating birthday party that never came. Man outside of baseball season, I hated being 11.

2008, an overview
I was no longer good at sports. I had all the best drinking games. I was 6'3 and had a god-tier live out house. I was pretty cool and decent with girls. 2008 me relates to Bluto from Animal House, Ryan Gosling from Crazy, Stupid, Love and the irrational confidence of Andrew Keegan from 10 Things I Hate About You.

How to date in 2008:
As a 21 year old, I could drive but was consistently too drunk to. Any time I wanted to hang out with a girl, a pledge would have to drive me. The likely destination of a date would be a cabin, barn or hotel. Sometimes there would be a pool or hot tub involved. Oh God there was alcohol. I honestly can't remember what I did with the opposite sex before alcohol.


What makes you desirable:
Looks, humor, how good your frat is, how much money your parents make.

How to communicate in 2008:
Text or text-adjacent apps mostly. Also, when you're in a microcosm where you're partying constantly and already know everyone you can talk to girls at school and it isn't scary anymore.

Dating in college (if that's what you want to call it) was a major matter of convenience. If two of your friends were dating two girls in the same sorority and there was a big dance coming up, one might look at it as a jigsaw puzzle if you will. Group pregames followed by a lot of backdoor brokering. (Liz is into Mike and Claire said she can TOLERATE Jon. She def won't fuck him but if he pays for all the booze she might give him a handjob) But that's the big secret, there wasn't a lot of dating going on in college. One of your buddies needed a girlfriend so there was always a group in play.

The good:
College is an incestuous cesspool. You can play six degrees of Eskimo Brother with almost everyone you know and nothing really mattered. Communication was easy, the stakes were incredibly low. Booze was everywhere. I loved being 21.

The bad:
Due to the above, infidelity was at an all time high and everyone knew absolutely everything about you. If you went home with a Tri Delt Sophomore and lasted less than 30 seconds in bed, everyone on Third Street knew about it the next day.

2018, an overview
I'm kinda good at sports again! I have all the best card games. I'm still 6'3 and have a flea bag apartment in a dope neighborhood (conclusion: mid-tier and rising) I'm a lovable loser who people are still hoping will figure it out some day and I'm 'MEH' with girls. 2018 me relates to Ryan Gosling from La La Land, Miles Teller from The Spectacular Now and Joseph Gordon Levitt during the worst parts of 500 Days of Summer.

How to date in 2018:
As a 31 year old, I can drive but my Mini Cooper exploded. Any time I want to hang out with a girl, a Uber has to drive me. The likely destination of a date is be a dive bar or I go over to her apartment complex. Sometimes a pool or hot tub involved. There's still alcohol and thank God for it, because I'm more self-conscious now than I was at 11.


What makes you desirable:
Stability, how much money you make, how much money your parents make.

How to communicate in 2018:
Most of the world is exclusively on dating apps. Outside of that the world communicates via meme, gif and boomerangs on Instagram.

Dating in 2018 because it's both easy and hard. At 31, you don't need to look like peak Jesse Matcalfe, look at all the attractive people that date ugly. You know what people in 2018 want? A nice guy, someone that wants to buy a house and have kids some day. Someone that won't go blow a thousand dollars on hookers and cocaine on a Saturday night. Sure there is a hook-up economy on every app. There are attractive females looking to bang attractive males and 'hey, maybe it will turn into something.' But the dating scene, the actual people who are looking for something? They really just want you to care. 

The Good: 
Man if you were an awkward nerd growing up but now you have some money to throw around, boy do I have good news for you! All you have to do is post your job title and height on a dating app and you're golden.

The Bad:
If you've skated by on charisma your whole life and aren't quite ready to stop 'living the dream' boy do I have some bad news for you. No amount of lies on a hinge profile are gonna get you the girl if you can't afford the bill at Gjelina.

Conclusion:
The set of circumstances in a certain era of your life largely dictate when you will excel at dating. If you were the rich kid with the biggest basement growing up, you probably crushed middle school. If you were in the best frat in college and looked good with your shirt off, you were the king of college. If you have a good job now and your dick works, well things probably aren't too shabby either.

That said, which year was dating the easiest and which was it the hardest? In 1998 there was a scarcity of resources. If you found someone to date you weren't constantly tempted by every woman's social media feed. In 2008 we had technology that made communication easy, but not too easy. In 2018 you can see every photo of every person you've ever met, talk to 45 people at once and still have to live with the dread of getting older every day.

For those reasons I say...
2008 easiest
1998 middle
2018 hardest.

We've all become too cynical to figure out love, the divorce rate will climb past 60% and we will all rediscover the bliss of college when we finally make it to retirement homes.

Naw, I'm just kidding. It's harder than ever to date now, but we'll all find love some day.