Thursday, April 28, 2011

Royal Wedding

If you happened upon this page for a review of the Fred Astaire/Jane Powell musical classic, I urge you to leave immediately. This is going to be a quick rant about British people and stupid American Women. (Although after a quick IMDB I can tell you that Royal Wedding was nominated for one academy lost)

I would like to apologize about the light posting this week. One of my idiot roommates felt the need to take our wireless router with him to Mexico so I have been stripped of internet access at home. One of the engineers as Apple decided that Ethernet ports weren't necesary in 2011 or that wired connections are for poor people and do not agree with the positioning of the Apple brand. That said, Tuesday I was too worried about the Hawks to write anything, and Wednesday I took the day off to drink in Wrigleyville...although if you follow me on twitter you were probably wildly entertained by me telling Finn Hudson to go fuck himself after several pro-Canucks tweets. That was the highlight of my creativity thus far this week.

Without internet at home this week and a limites roster of roommates to hang out with I have been watching a lot of TV. Bad TV. Do you know who bad tv appeals to? Lonely old women. Do you know what lonely old women will be doing tonight? Watching coverage of the Royal Wedding, excuse me while I go make myself some tea and order a fish and chips from the local football pub!

Wow of all the things in the world I couldn't give a fuck less about this may top the charts. Tomorrow the world will celebrate a privilledged little shit with a receding hairline marrying a slightly above average looking commoner. OMG it's like every girls dream! To marry a prince! I'll be a princess! I don't know what I hate most about this story, the fact that it has half of the world captivated or the fact that it will obviously spur 3 more sequels to "The Prince and Me" franchise. Holy shit Julia Stiles lives on a farm and some guy that says "brilliant" a lot falls in love with her. This is like putting Peyton Hillis on the cover of Madden 2012, it just gives false hope. (I don't care how many Idaho state rushing titles you have, you aren't going to make it bro.) At least EA had the decency to at least make him look black on the cover as to not promote to many false dreams.

Next order of business: Kate Middleton is not hot enough to be a princess. This idiot could have picked pretty much anyone in the Western world to be his wife, and he chose someone that I would tell my friends about banging but I wouldn't necesarily brag for 2 weeks. She is a decent looking Brit. Why didn't he have Tony Blair call up Keira Knightley and have the following conversation.

Tony: Keira, it's Tony Blair, the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom.
Keira: Oh hello sir, to what do I owe the honor?
Tony: You are pretty much the second hottest British woman behind Liz Hurley so we were wondering if you would like to be a Princess?
Keira: Oh I don't know sir. Prince William is great, but I could never follow in the footsteps of Lady Di and I am terribly busy with my acting career...
Tony: No offense Keira but nombody say Never Let Me Go and Atonement was 4 years would own every Flamingo in the country.

Boom. If that was the case, today's blog would be one of supreme envy. Even I would sacrifice my firm hairline for an eternity with Keira also sounds somewhat ironic Princess Knightley. Is she married to the future king or is she one of his men. She's actually neither, she is a porn star because she had a bad agent and her role in the POTC franchise is over. She may have a few Jane Austen adaptations left in the tank that will premier on BBC 2, but trust me, she will be getting jammed by an aging Peter North at some point.

I saw an outstanding tweet the other day about someone inquiring what Prince Harry will be doing this whole time. That's the real story, younger brother, never going to be king, kicked out of the military...a real wild card. He kind of reminds me of the Craig character from the Stephen Lynch song "Craig Christ" Harry will probably show up with a couple Vietnamese hookers on each arm and a bag full of the crown's most royal bud. He will also get shitfaced and conduct an orgy with peasants, it will be a lot like an episode of the Tudors. But if Showtime wants to air an uncut special on PH's antics sign me up. Otherwise, come 4am I will not be waking up to watch coverage of the royal snorefest, I'll be closing my tab at Mcfaddens and coming home to take a 3 hour nap before work.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Excuses to drink: NHL Playoffs

This past Thursday I threw on my Kaner jersey and went to McGee's. I proceeded to watch a heartbreaking Pacers loss follwoed by an absolute prison rape of a hockey game. (Hawks pitching Luongo catching, hard and dry) It's not that unrealistic to think that I would have had 24 beers on any other Thursday evening, but unfortunately my counterparts here in Chicago aren't all as awesome as me. Thus sometimes they need an excuse to drink, and the week night doubleheader is one of the best.

As I stood there with my patchy Toewes-esque playoff beard, and running up a tab that would probably equate to a nice 30 year mortgage payment on a house in Detroit, I realized why I like hockey. Hockey, probably more so that other sport encourages rowdiness. It is intense, has lots of fights, shit talking and features lots of jumping and screaming after a goal. In basketball someone might have a cool crossover followed by a dunk. In hockey a defensive player may catch a slapshot to the face and lose 15 teeth while the puck will bounce off said mandible to Kaner who can slapshot one home all in one motion...(excuses self does stunt man to celebrate the radical nature of that scenario)

What I am trying to say is that not only are hockey players the most bro athletes in all of professional sports (see: Kane's cab incident, limo incident, 2 day hangover after blacking out at Lincoln Station) it is also a sport that makes everyone want to go out and party. How kick ass was last spring and summer, watching every game at a bar, beer showers after every goal, drinking a water bottle full of everclear during the parade. This is what sports are about, not city pride or respect of the game...getting fucked up on a Tuesday night, and having an excuse to do so.

Tomorrow night with be Game 5 of the Pacers/Bulls and Game 7 of Hawks/nucks. That coward Luongo will be back in net and I have a feeling the Hawks will be sending him to an early grave via suicide (probably by pills because that the pussy way to kill yourself and we all know that native Montrealeans are pussies) Joe's on weed has quarter beers and 5 dollar pizzas, but stay in the front room after 10 pm unless you have ties to the latin kings esse.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

In my projects: Old Town

Meanwhile in a very important city planning meeting...
Alderman 42: Well what the fuck are we going to do with these 1000 unemployed homeless crackheads?
City Planner: Zero lot line housing on the city's near west side?
Alderman: No, these people don't deserve free houses, and we've fucked with Oak Park enough already.
City Planner: The prisons?
Alderman: Overcrowded, we already let rapists out if they promise to stay away from playgrounds.
City Planner: What about a high rise tenement style apartment building?
Alderman: Projects.
City Planner: Um, ya...
Alderman: And where do you propose we put this?
City Planner: Southside obviously...
Alderman: No you know what, fuck Alderman 43. He fucked my wife back in the 80's and I've always wanted to get him back, let's put a steaming cesspool of heroin needles, violence and prostitution right in his back yard.
City Planner: OK, we'll soften the blow by naming it after the first American saint, Francesca Cabrini.

Welcome to old town the only place in Chicago where you will find actual projects as well as Joe Perillo's 12 lot Greek mansion. (If it was any tackier I would swear he was...well, let's just say he has bad taste)

Old town is home to the famous bar district around North and Wells and also two of the most badass street festivals all summer: The old town art fair, and the wine crush. (These are seriously fucking insane I have watched people go into portopotties together out back of O'Briens during a cover of Dave Matthews to come when seasonally appropriate) It's hard to get a feel for the residents of old town. They are slightly older than the Lincoln Park hooligans, but not as chic as the yuppies who have saved enough loot to go down to gold coast/river north. Also there is a large portion of old town that overlaps with Lincoln Park. (Halsted, North Ave, Armitage, Wells that box indicates people live technically in both and is one of the wealthiest rectangles in the city. Some people that live in this box actually have front yards and have summertime frat parties...what?) This is a contrast with the housing south of North avenue which is quite a bit more diverse...and once you get to division, you better be handy with the steal if you know what I mean.

Great restaraunts, classy bars, and more than a few historical landmarks I would qualify Oldtown as one of the most generally well liked places in Chicago...I would equate it to the way people felt about the movie Caddyshack. Most people loved it, but it's probably not your favorite. Faux sophisticated people will post up at Benchmark, Old Town Social or Fireplace and brag about how they are "doing something different" or "Ya I'm kind of over Lincoln Park." These same people will be cabbing it to either Hangge Uppe or Beaumont later, guaranteed. That is after they can stand after 3 large lemonades (read: Hairy Bear) on a Thursday night...

So Old Town is kind of boring, except for the fact that Twin Anchors IS the bar from The Dark Knight where two face takes the shot of whiskey and it leaks through his face (so metal) but other than that, some classy bars and two wild weekends its just a nice place to drink, eat and let's focus on the next chapter of the saga from earlier.

City Planner: Cabrini has to fucking go. We need to knock it down like...yesterday.
Alderman: What the fuck happened this is an election year!
City Planner: White kids from Lincoln Park were getting their heroin and cocaine from there. Most of them were robbed only, some murdered, some od'd on bad stuff.
Alderman: Well fuck...where are we going to put the residents. Can we just knock it down with everyone still in there and say "oops?"
City Planner: Are you high?
Alderman: A little...
City Planner: Well we're back to our original problem. The state is broke, we can't build shitty housing on the South or West side, and the only place that has available space, with abandoned buildings in the state is...
Alderman: Is what?
City Planner: Urbana.
Alderman: Like the Urbana next to University of Illinois...isn't that a little close to campus? We don't want a bunch of heathens running around AIDSing up the Coeds via rape and dirty needles.
City Planner: It would move the problem out of Chicago.
Alderman: I went to Iowa.
City Planner: I went to IU.
Alderman: Fuck 'em do it. U of I sucks.

Yes, the moral of the story is that U of I sucks and Unofficial does too.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Unreality TV

Meanwhile at the offices of TLC...
Exec 1: I just don't know if 5 shows about lady cops is enough...
Exec 2: Fuck that more shows about unexpectedly large families...
Exec 1: Do we already have a show about midgets?
Exec 2: Several
Exec 1: What about a show about people that eat toilet paper?
Exec 2: It premiered last night, set a record too.
Exec 1: Gypsies...
Exec 2: Arranged marriages of gypsies...
Exec 1: And we'll steal an existing piece of pop culture and call it my "My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding"
*High Five*
Exec 2: I'll call the hookers.

But you will watch them. You pathetic brain dead retards will watch them, or your menopausal mother, or your next door neighbor with 9 cats or some severely depressed person that just wants to know that some people are more fucked up than they are...they will tune in. And I get it, it's weird, it's different, it's quasi-fascinating to see how some people live. In some cases its like looking over at a mangled car crash to see if you can spot a mangled body or an impending explosion. But then why all the stupid ass shows about cakes? Do you know why everyone in this country is so fucking fat? Because middle aged women sit in their living room fisting themselves while watching 3 consecutive hours of gourmet cake construction...and I love how they always throw WARS into the title to make it sound that much more intense.

...and the shows with lots of kids. What a bad example they are setting, I bet every meth head couple out there thinks that if he just knocks up his wife enough times Discovery is going to knock on their door with a million dollar check and "put them on that there television." That's how it works right? And they might even have a better chance if she is on crack at the time of her child birth! "Crack Babies coming to TLC this fall." Anything relatively bizarre to the mainstream these days gets a fucking reality show. Is there really a market for a tv show about Mall Cops? Well Paul Blart did half a billion internationally so let's capitalize on Kevin James' fart jokes.

Why would people want to watch Teen Mom, 16 and Pregnant, I didn't know I was pregnant. I think it would be much more interesting to watch them in the act of their whoring, perhaps a nice show about the bullshit they fell for that made them spread their legs in the first place. That could possibly give me a good chuckle. These people are exploited for being white trash and as unentertaining as I find it, I can't believe the moral conscience of America hasn't turned on the networks for shoving this trash down our throats. Reality TV is going to eventually destory scripted TV and then all we'll be left with is midget todlers in tiaras saying yes to the dress while their fathers are out pawning shit that they hoarded. I hope that will make everyone happy.

I mean if we are going to completely say fuck it why don't we turn this blog into a realtiy show?

Me: Well it's like Real World meets Intervention meets The Hills
Exec: How so?
Me: Well everyone parties every night but technically has a job, they all probably belong in rehab and they spend a ton of money and hang out with attractive people.
Exec: Are there midgets, incest and swamp loggers?
Me: Not always...
Exec: Fuck it, I'll take a pilot if at least one of the characters has an abusive father.

Well it would at least be better than Sarah Palin's Alaska? Seriously I'm sure the Mormons would love it, since that's what it's all about right? Seeing how the other side lives? A bunch of desperate housewife types strung out on lithium want to see the struggles of poverty. Middle class kids fantasize to sailing on Brody Jenner's yacht, everyone is intrigued by what they don't have. Perhaps that's why I hate reality TV because I have it all, or perhaps I'm just pissed off that I never made it on Real World and that's why I want reality TV as a whole to go fuck itself. Whatever the case, I'll keep watching The Bachelor but only because talking about girly TV shows is a great way to insert yourself into a conversation with random hot chicks.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Should I stay or Should I go

You should definitely fucking go.

Really that's all I should have to say, but for all of you indecisive faux adults out there who think "college was fun but it's over and I'm looking forward to a really relaxing weekend here in the Chi" please allow me the next thousand words to convince you.

First of all you are not an adult. Yes you have a degree and a job, you also have your parents cosign on your lease, you are unmarried no kids and you won't be for much longer. What are you going to prove by staying home this weekend? How mature you have become in the 22 months since you graduated? Do you think staying home this weekend will make people forget about the 12 guys you slept with senior year or the gallons of vodka you would chug straight from the bottle before passing out and puking yourself on the front lawn? Get over yourself. If you want to go rage your face off for a weekend, just do it. Don't worry about what people will think of you, fuck them. Who decided that 2 years out you can't behave like a child anymore? Everyone has an excuse, I would love to go but...but what? But you have developed a rare form of cancer and have 48 hours left to live? We should all be so lucky to go out with a bang race day morning? You're out of money? Last time I checked drinks at Kilroys were 5 dollar beers at State on a Monday night? 5 dollars will get you a 64 ounce drink full of 8 shots pretty much anywhere in Bloomington. Go lift up the floor mats in your car, you can find like half of that, go find your roommates "adderall straws" that's like 4 drinks at Bluebird.

You'll be too hungover at work Monday morning. Monday will suck, Tuesday won't be fun either. Come Friday though, you get to lay around and be a bum all weekend while your parents cook and clean for you and shower you in Easter presents. (If you don't still get an Easter basket you need to tell your guardians to step their fucking game up)

But enough of your excuses, I want you to close your eyes and imagine race day your senior year. You were probably wearing an obnoxious shirt hanging out at a frat receiving constant beer showers. Earlier in that week you tied 6 double decker boats together and walked a fine line between maximizing BAC and staying afloat. You probably did backflips off the top and came within 4 inches of Greg Louganising your head on the pontoon, but you didn't care because you were having the time of your life. You invented stupid drinking games on the spot, you filled supersoakers with vodka, you wore plastic risky business shades, you chanted "fuck the cutters" you spent 12 hours straight at Kilroys dressed as a raging douchebag.

Check your closet I'm sure you still have a pair of sperrys and an old frat tee. Girls you probably have the fanny pack from that 80's party on the Tuesday of Lil 5 08. They're waiting for you. Monday is going to suck whether or not you are hungover (until 8 pm at least when an all new Gossip Girl premiers) won't it be a little bit better if you can cling to the madness of your previous 48 hours. Isn't that 4 hour drive south on 65 going to be loaded with anticipation? Are you going to tweet when you are at the College exit and go straight to Kilroys with no idea about sleeping arrangements? Has it ever stopped you before?

Look the weather is going to be shitty, the weather was shitty at DMB in 06 too, but it fucking killed. This weekend is going to be one of your last chances to go to Bloomington and be completely irresponsible, sure you can go to homecoming next year, and maybe even force little 5 next year if you have a younger sibling. But I am telling you, this is our last stand as youth. This is the last time it will be socially acceptable to sleep on a bench in chapter or with a random on Foster Jenk 3. Do you want to be the one sitting around for the next 6 months hearing about how much you missed out on? Or do you want to be the one telling the stories. Maybe you will make a memory this weekend that you will never forget the rest of your life. But you will never know if you don't go for it.

It's Thursday almost lunchtime, just an average Thursday in the real world. Start an email chain, make your afternoon exciting. Put it out there, who's driving, who's coming, where are we going first, where are we passing out. I assure you the day will fly by. Call in sick tomorrow and come on down. I'll be there...who's coming with me.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Get Off The Corner

In the past several years Little Wayne has become one of hip hops most popular acts. Closely associated with witty word play, purple drink and prison sentences; his last 3 or 4 albums have all topped the charts. Call me old school but I still prefer the 16 year old Little Wayne of Hot Boys fame who uttered memorable lines such as...

Lil' Wayne in the twat have it hurtin and thumpin
They be like, "That n*gga small girl but he workin wit somethin"
Lil' Wayne on fire I'll smash on your boo before a hot girl bang

Yes when all of you were listening to Britney Spears, and post grunge 90's bands like Matchbox 20, I was spitting these lines of Guerilla Warfare in the back of bus 144 on my way to Belzer Middle School. (Funny how now I listen to post grunge 90's bands almost exclusively) But nevertheless the Hot Boys were the absolute truth, Juvenile, BG, Turk and of course Wayne were an eloquent quarter of singer song-writers of the urban variety (actually a bald white 40 year old probably ghostwrote the above lyric.) Now I think Lil Wayne just gets all fucked up and slurs over a cool beat and people interpret their favorite versions of what he might be saying and call him a genius.

However none of that is important, I just was lamenting on my old gangsta side. Weezy will in about an hour join the long list of *impressive* bands that have performed at Indiana's Little 500 race. College bands such as O.A.R. Yellowcard, Dave and Tim have played in recent years and while this was before my time I'm pretty certain I have heard tales of Red Hot Chili Peppers, Guster and even The Who playing headlining shows. In addition to that you have the rap concerts up on the extension and they are beyond atrocious.

My Freshman year 36 Mafia came to play AEpi and I'm pretty sure that some rich kid had his dad bankroll it for like 40 grand so he and all his buddies could tell stories the rest of their lives about getting high with Juicy J. They played for about 30 minutes sang 30 seconds of each song and the crowd was almost exclusively from Long Island. In fairness this was Saturday, I was beyond dead, maybe I was just too drained to enjoy the experience. I'll give them a shot next year when they bring...

Bubba Sparxx. Major mistake. Same rich kid had his dad bankroll this so he could tell all his friends he did meth with Bubba. Seriously this was the most atrocious excuse for a concert ever. That redneck idiot sat up there and sang that BOOTY BOOTY BOOTY BOOTY song 3 times, Deliverance twice and then fell over dead (actually that would have enhanced the show quite a bit.) Needless to say I'm ready to write off rap shows. I'm not going to pimp my own brand and tell you how sick Glowfest was last year, instead I'll write a review this year and let you know what I thought of Pretty Lights. I'm also excited to hear what people thought of Weezy and if he played any of my throwback jams from the 90's. (If he doesn't at least sing "Shine" I'm going to flip out even if I wasn't there.)

Moral of the story is that you really never know what you're going to get for a concert during Little 5 week. For all I know Wiz will kill it in the tailgate fields Friday, but what I would suggest to anyone who is planning on attending one of these this week, get your drinking done beforehand. The entire police force of the state of Indiana regulates these things, so sneaking in your ex, pot and flask may be ill advised. I'll be at Glowfest 2.0 Thursday night, and I fully expect PL to rock my world, hopefully it will yours too.

I'm going to try to post on a specific little 5 event every day the rest of the week so stay tuned for pieces on boats, race day, coming back as an alumni, or whatever else pops in my mind when I'm bored as shit at work or when I can't sleep at night.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Clang Clang Clang went the trolley

If you didn't recognize that as the opening refrain to "The Trolley Song" from Meet me in St. Louis, congratulations you didn't take a musicals class senior year to be with some chick. Professor Doty if you're out there Fuck you for not appreciating my analysis that the character of Satine was killed off because Baz Luhrman probably got screwed over by a slut early in his life.

No matter, I am not going to waste your time dazzling you with the knowledge that one picks up by taking C392 or living in a family that collects Andrew Lloyd Webber albums. I just needed a clever intro to talk about one of the most outstanding traditions of the Spring in Chicago, the party trolley.

Now once upon a time there were 20 people in a room, drinking excessively standing up and yelling. Some were shotgunning beers, some were taking shots, some were huddled by the window smoking cigarettes and blowing the smoke out the window. There was extremely loud music playing. At that exact moment someone spilled their drink on a girl's shirt. Surprised, she lurched back and bumped into another guy. Extremely intoxicated and off balance, he staggered and fell face first, and hit his head hard. But this bump in the head gave him the single greatest idea ever. "What if we put this party on wheels?"

The concept is ridiculous, let's load 30 people in a moving vehicle let them get as fucked up as they want and just see what happens? If you've ever been on one of these the ammount of alcohol brought aboard is enough to cure the desert's lack of humidity. And that's really all the trolley does all night, drive in circles while people drink for a fixed time period. 30 people 4 hours 10 gallons of vodka (in case you are going to uberdouche and be like only 10 bro? That's 20 handles...brah.)

So sometimes there are pit stops at bars, "woohoo we're obnoxious we're on a trolley and you fucking peasants are just at a bar? Does your barstool at LaSalle Power Company drive you down lakeshore drive? Nooooo...but my trolley does." *Slips falls, hits head on bar, bloodshed* But yes it's always fun to be obnoxious as part of a group and those that may hold them in contempt are just jealous. You know you want on that trolley, especially if it's a bachelorette party? "Bro, they're so trashed I bet they would like suck our dicks if we got on and stripped for them." <---- Don't be that guy. But if you want to try to board random trolley and tell a girl you are a pirate and you are after her booty, fucking go for it.

Sidenote...who the fuck legalized this? "Mr. Mayor, some company wants to drive twentysomethings around while they drink and party all night." Can we tie it to our city's rich history? "Um, we can make them look like the trolleys of the 1800's sir, and make the driver get a bus license" Perfect tax them outrageously and get it done. Nothing wrong with a hardworking American wanting to have a few cocktails responsibly while touring our fair city. We'll call it an alternative to driving under the influence.
Yep I'm sure that's how it went down.

So what else happens on the trolley, handjobs under smashed beer cases? Sure. Vomit in the Rock and Roll McDonalds lobby during a bathroom break...O yeah. The best part is the end though. I swear to god I think there is a rule that these MUST drop you off at the Hangge Uppe and there is always one or two that fall down the stairs and are immediately ejected. I usually look down at my jeans to find the familiar dark blue stain reminding me I've gotten so drunk that I've pissed myself, time to go home and call it a night. Anyway I'm doing this tomorrow, so if you se me circa 3am and our grinding seems to be getting a little moist, um ya that's pure passion baby.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

In my projects: Wicker Park

We can't go to Southern anymore. It's been overcome by those yuppy conformists east of the highway. I was standing at the bar drinking a pint of a fine stout discussing freudian hypotheses with the nice fellow next to me when all of a sudden a group of miscrants dressed in argyle and pressed oxfords stumbled in, shoved me out of the way and ordered hundreds of shots. It's like they just went to the bar to see how drunk they could get. It was madness. Why would you leave your apartment if that's all you wanted to do? Going out is for stimulating conversation with your fellow man...oh wait, they're going to the dance floor.

West of the highway, where dreams go to die and your drug dealer rides his bike home to: Welcome to Wicker park, the hippest hangout for young liberals with cash flow issues in Chicago. You'll find a lot of "artists" living out here, because this just in, artists don't make shit for cash. So they probably slang grass on the side or work at a barista in an independently owned coffee shop or write editorials for some sort of free publication that has radical views on dog castration. Wicker park isn't all bad, but I tend to want to lump the good stuff such as Piece and Debonair in with Bucktown because that neighborhood didn't produce a dogshit romantic thriller starring Josh Hartnett. What the fuck is a romantic thriller anyway?

Did you hear that Rusko is coming to the Congress theatre? Our Mexican cook told it to me in Spanish while i was smoking an unfiltered cigarette on my 15 minute break at the Vietnamese restaurant I work at. Rusko's early stuff was so raw and powerful when he was first starting out, yet his latest offering is a tad too commercial for my liking. He didn't start wearing skinny ties until after it was already popular. I may still go though because he puts on a great live show and I'm always down to go to the Congress, I just hope that it's a 21 and older show, the last thing I need is a bunch of high schoolers from Hinsdale coming in and overdosing on X to harsh my mellow man.

I'm being brutally unfair to these people, just because they prefer to wear hunting hats and Navy Flack jackets out on a Saturday and pay $300 a month in rent doesn't make them bad people. It's just the constant judgement of everything normal that put me into attack mode. There are a thousand good restaraunts and bars in Wicker Park, and I have some friends that live their too, but there is a stigma that keeps me away most days. These people are from all over and have very little in common with their neighbors to the east. Chip on the shoulder, kings of the underground music and fashion scene, love foreign films and think that bisexuals are cowards and need to make a choice. A night on the town isn't a pregame and a bar, it's a smoke out and a poetry slam.

This state is in so much debt, yet we have millions to spend on an Olympic ad campaign? What a fucking joke. Our president has more important things to do that fly to Europe to make an elaborate pitch. What about the homeless, social security? Doesn't anyone care about social issues anymore? No, you just want to WIN the rights to some fancy athletic competition? Ridiculous, what is this country's obsession with athletes anyway? Why don't we honor political activists and math teachers in the inner city? The biggest star in golf is a moral disease yet we root for his comeback?

You didn't want the Olympics man? Go fucking die somewhere. And while you're doing that I'm going to pull a Carmel and take the pieces of Westfield I mean Wicker Park that I want via a hostile Annexation. Piece you're mine!

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

You are what you read

The other day I was at a bookstore trying to figure out what copy of Water For Elephants I should buy. One cover is the traditional original paperback artwork, whatever it's nothing special. The other copy has fucking Edward Cullen, Elle Woods and the Jew Hunter in some sort of dramatic pose. So do I purchase the original copy because I am a slave to the NY Times best seller list or the movie poster because I want to appear to be one with pop culture. Either way I'm fucked because 50% of people are going to assume I am a douche for reading about a Veterinarian orphan dropout who joins the circus. But it brings up an interesting discussion, what does the antisocial paper blocker in front of one's face say about them? Most of the people in this city take some sort of public transport and I would venture to guess that a good majority of them spend their time on said trip reading. (I listen to a mix of bad top 40, am radio and glee cd's en route to the suburbs.)

People may read their new kindles to look super cutting edge, but really they just look like nerdy douche bags. How fucking cool are these clowns going to feel when Amazon starts giving them away for free in 2 months. Then you have your Red Eye readers, which is a combination of sluts checking to see if their pictures made it from the weekend before and 22 year olds looking up drink specials so they can go get peaced for 10 bucks and take home one of said sluts. If either of these two hedonistic sub cultures were found within Indian culture they would be burned at the stake for sport. Next we have our classic newspaper reader. This guys is probably reading the Trib or the Sun Times because he watched his dad do it growing up. He may have the WSJ if he wants you to think he is an I-banker, and wouldn't that be a nice move slick, meet a girl on the train, tell her you work in finance and ask her on a date. Even the Journal has editorial cartoons, this fuck probably sells real estate for home scout, don't be fooled. You will catch chicks reading their People, US Weekly etc and to be honest, more power to them at least they are bold enough to publicly admit that they have rape fantasies about Justin Bieber, I ain't mad at that. The people reading the novels probably just want to pass some time and escape from the miserable existence that is public transportation, with homeless people smelling like corpses and overenthusiastic streetwise salesmen waiting for them at the next stop, these people just want to pretend that it isn't a Tuesday with 10 more hours until they get home and pour themselves a stiffy.

Then again there are always the people that casually bomb the shit out of the pigs and try to 3 star every seasons version of angry birds whilst listening to a hot jam on their iphone. These people can be trusted, because they don't give a fuck what you're reading.

Friday, April 1, 2011

Congrats drunks

Quick unrelated opening rant. The person that sits next to me looks like a bridge troll. Like the fucking creature that lives under a bridge and makes you correctly answer three riddles before crossing. It gets worse... she is Jewish and demands that everyone know it, like seriously I don't give a fuck what anyone's religion is just don't talk about it to me or I will tell you that you are wrong and I am right (Protestants FTW.) She also has a daughter that resembles miss piggy. In between hearing about bah mitzvahs and her daughter getting sick and having head lice I just can't fucking handle it. First of all, I don't care about ANYONE's kids. At this point in my life I look at them as all my party money and time out the window. I really don't understand why people tell ugly babies that they are cute, just give a more practical ugly duckling underhanded compliment, it will be more believable. Anyway...Mulgarath (that's a spiderwick chronicles reference, huge freddie highmore fan) went on weight watchers and has been asking everyone if we can tell how much weight she has lost. While she has lost weight that was never the problem she needs to have human DNA spliced into her genome to replace that of the troll's and then we might make some serious progress. Long story short, you can be ugly, you can be obnoxious, but if you are both I will destroy you behind your back to 1000 people I went to college with. (This story will probably be removed after today to ensure that I am not responsible for a suicide or a defamation lawsuit.
/end rant

Happy opening day you drunks! Your below average baseball team opens up the season in about an hour. While they will be horrible and the games will fail to be thrilling, there is now an excuse to get fucked up, skip work and go to Wrigleyville. Note the order, get drunk then decide if you want to skip work...rarely will you get a solid buzz and decide to go improve your company's bottom line. To be honest, I hate the Cubs I am a Cardinals fan, but I really really love everything that the Cubs stand for. Being that I am a shallow, hedonistic, lazy fuck with some semblance of family money I love the Wrigley experience. In contrast the White Sox are a much more exciting baseball team but I despise the poor, scrappy, "it's all about the game" mentality. Fuck that, it's about how drunk you can get in the bleachers in center field and how many girls you can convince to let you suck on their tits. Take a wild guess who pulled that one off.

Wrigley Field is such a steaming pile of shit, but they distract you by surrounding it with 1000 bars and playing during the day. This way you can focus on the gorgeous Cubs fans walking around. Let's be honest your prototypical Sox fan is ugly and probably has a last name ending in a vowell or the letter "Z." Your prototypical Cubs fan is probably a 34 C and is using dad's corporate tickets because she isn't required to work. She will watch all of 3 pitches but has so much cubs gear its ridiculous, especially the tshirt about a half size too small that makes her boobs look great. Serious question, when a girl from the 847 turns 18 is she issued one of those from the state? Every girl has one, they all wear them to games and I'm 100% ok with it. The chicks even drink beer at Cubs games which is kinda hot, so long as they skip their next 3 meals to make up for it.

I'm really unsure which Wrigleyville bar does it the best for me. If it's a Wednesday night game, Cubby Bear for sure for live band Karaoke. Saturday after a day game, Casey Moran's. Not going to a game but want to get anihilated in the awesome atmosphere anyway? Sports Corner Seconds Floor. I've said before, many people look forward to sleeping in on the weekends, running casual errands, perhaps accomplishing a honey-do list...I wake up earlier than I do for work to get a head start on drinking. Then it's off to Sluggers for some early morning Batting Practice, then to the 7 11 to sneak in a fifth of vodka to Wrigley, then to Stretch after the game because they have the drunkest chicks and the easiest bathrooms to hook up in. (There is a single in the back that locks) Every day is a marathon, every day is a barcrawl. The great Lee Elia once said regarding Wrigley "Eighty-five percent of the fuckin' world is working. The other fifteen percent come out here. A fuckin' playground for the cocksuckers."

Well Lee if that is your definition of a cocksucker it looks like I am gay as AIDS.