Tuesday, February 27, 2018

2018 Oscar Preview


Welcome to the 2018 SingleDudeinLA Oscar preview. In the following article I will make my picks for the top 8 categories in this year's Academy Awards. Knowing a cursory amount of information about all of the nominees will make you sound cultured and intelligent at your Oscar party even while you guzzle down wine like Prohibition might be reinstated Monday morning.

I will be covering:
Best Picture
Best Director
Best Actor
Best Actress
Best Supporting Actress
Best Supporting Actor
Best Original Screenplay
Best Adapted Screenplay

A few notes before we get started.

*These are not my favorites, these are who I think will win. I picked my top 10 movies of 2018 back in December.

*I have considered the political landscape while making these picks, which is why I think movies about women, gay men and racism will do well. Hollywood elites can't stop Republicans from buying AR-15s but they sure as shit can make flyover country feel uncomfortable by glorifying a movie about a gay guy fucking a peach.

Furthermore, for every category I will give you the safe pick and the gamble (if there is one)

Ready? I'm going to do these categories in no particular order.

Best supporting actor: 
Christopher Plummer, All the Money in The World
Sam Rockwell, Three Billboards (winner)
Richard Jenkins, The Shape of Water
Woody Harelson, Three Billboards
Willem Dafoe, The Florida Project (gamble)

Three Billboards Outside of Ebbing Missouri is about a woman who starts a vendetta with the local police department after her teenage daughter is murdered and the police are unable to solve the case. Sam Rockwell is an over the top racist cop who abuses his power, throws people through windows and makes fun of Peter Dinklage for being a dwarf, yet somehow in the end he is kind of the good guy?

This was the main backlash of the film, should an overtly awful character be given redemption in the era of #metoo and #blacklivesmatter? Fortunately people in Hollywood seem to like Sam Rockwell so much that they are willing to forgive it. Pair this with the fact that this is an extremely weak category this year and Rockwell should run away with it. His main challenge comes from Willem Dafoe in a movie that absolutely no one saw. Third place is likely Christopher Plummer in a performance that is strong but more compelling due to the fact that it was done in service of erasing Kevin Spacey from an already finished film.

Best Supporting Actress:
Laurie Metcalf, Lady Bird (gamble)
Lesley Manville, Phantom Thread
Octavia Spencer, The Shape of Water
Allison Janney, I, Tonya (winner)
Mary J Blidge, Mudbound

Death, Taxes and Octavia Spencer getting a best supporting nomination for playing the spunky best friend! But this has always been a two woman race, two mothers who can't seem to get along with their daughters; two mainstay television actresses who have burst into the feature scene as of late with phenomenal character work. Allison Janney is an absolute monster as Tonya Harding's mother in I, Tonya whereas Laurie Metcalf's character only seems like one to her angsty daughter Lady Bird. Both Tonya and Lady Bird would have had such an easier time if they were just rich, my God the parallels of those two movies are striking.

Allison Janney has won every award this season and I think it's largely because people liked The West Wing more than Roseanne. You can't go wrong with either choice and I think this may be one of the closest races of the night, but if you like to play it conservative, go with Janney. I'll secretly be rooting for Laurie because my mom too played Dave Matthews CDs in the car sometimes.


Best Adapted Screenplay:
Call Me By Your Name
Mudbound
Molly's Game
The Disaster Artist
Logan

Call Me By Your Name is a lovely film. It takes place in Northern Italy in the early 80's. There is nothing but Polo and Lacoste as far as the eye can see. Artie Hammer looks fucking great. Timothee Chalamet has a 'fuck attic' I want a 'fuck attic' The characters do nothing of substance all day but ride bikes, drink wine and play musical instruments. It's a dream come true. It also happens to be a coming of age film about gay love and as stated earlier I think the Oscar's is going to strive to be very inclusive this year. This is Call Me By Your Name's best shot to take home a major award.

And of course the Academy loves to stroke Aaron Sorkin's huge ego but Molly's Game was just ok. A comic book movie isn't going to win this award any time soon and The Disaster Artist lost all of its heat when the chick from The Breakfast Club accused James Franco of rape. Mudbound was awesome, but it's a Netflix movie and I still don't think the Academy is taking their dramatic features seriously yet. They will soon.

Best Original Screenplay
Get Out (Safe Play)
Three Billboards
The Shape of Water
The Big Sick
Lady Bird (Gamble)

Get Out has been getting massive heat in this category lately, but I'm saving its big win for another category. Lady Bird may not have hit home with everyone. I mean maybe I was the only person in 2004 who was listening to jam bands, trying to date and telling people I had a nicer house than I did. Regardless, after Natalie Portman's outburst at the Golden Globes a female filmmaker WILL be recognized this Sunday, only she will be recognized for writing. Greta Gerwig has had such a strong voice for the past decade and I'm glad she is finally starting to get some mainstream recognition. Again, this movie needs a big award, this is where it makes sense.

I really think the Oscars will spread the love this year. Three Billboards will do well in the acting categories and we'll see a bit later what I have in store for Jordan Peele.

Best Director
Guillermo Del Toro, The Shape of Water (winner)
Christopher Nolan, Dunkirk
Greta Gerwig, Lady Bird
Jordan Peele, Get Out
PTA, Phantom Thread

This category is the lock of the century for GDT. The Shape of Water is a movie about a human fucking a fish. That is not an exaggeration. A woman and a fish spend over half of the movie having sex in a flooded bathroom. But...the film is so beautiful. It has a haunting score and presents a technical achievement up there with the other two most famous Mexican filmmakers Cuaron (Gravity) and Inarritu (Birdman.) People like GDT, they generally think this movie is weird but also extremely impressive. They will want to reward him in some way and the ambiguous category of Best Director fits.

The only other person that really has a shot is Nolan for Dunkirk, but that would be a real Hail Mary. Gerwig and Peele are both directing their first feature films and have extremely bright futures.

Best Actor
Gary Oldman, Darkest Hour (winner)
Timothee Chalamet, Call Me By Your Name
Daniel Day Lewis, Phantom Thread
Daniel Kaluuya, Get Out
Denzel Washington, Roman J Israel Esq.

Just write down Gary Oldman and move on. He's like a 1/40 favorite at this point. Sure Timothee had a great year appearing in CMBYN and Lady Bird. (not as good a year as his CMBYN father did Michael Stuhlbarg was in CMBYN, The Post AND The Shape of Water. What a year! No oscar noms) DDL was fine in Phantom Thread and Daniel Kaluuya was not the best part of Get Out.

The real story here is that I would like to welcome Denzel Washington into the 'Thanks for Showing up" club. In a weak year, he (and Meryl Streep) will always be nominated for the 5th and final spot in an Oscar category because it's nice to have them around. Feel free to pregame the awards ceremony Denzel and just have a good time. Maybe sneak a flask in and create a meme. I'll be rooting for you.

TL;DR Wear 30 pounds of make up and play a historical figure = get an Oscar

Best Actress
Francess McDormand, Three Billboards (winner)
Saorise Ronan. Lady Bird
Sally Hawkins, The Shape of Water
Margot Robbie, I, Tonya
Meryl Streep, The Post

This another snoozer of a category but it gives me an idea. There should be some award for someone who actually had to do something. Frances playing an angry parent doesn't seem as difficult as Margot Robbie learning how to fucking figure skate. Sure she had stunt doubles, but she was doing some stuff. Or how about Sally Hawkins masturbating in a bath tub for the world to see. TWICE! Seems like more dedication to her craft than Meryl toiling over whether to publish a news story for two hours.

Anyway, this isn't quite the lock of the century. Ronan has some heat. But back to my earlier point. How hard is it to play an angsty teen that gets sad when her boyfriend turns out to be gay. I feel like we've all been there.

Best Picture:

Three Billboards (Favorite)
The Shape of Water
Get Out (Upset)
Lady Bird
Dunkirk
Call Me By Your Name
The Post
Phantom Thread
Darkest Hour

ANY NOW FOR MY HOTTEST TAKE OF 2018?!!

White guilt is real.
I firmly grasp that I won the lottery by being born a tall white cis hetero male. And I'm fine with it. Hell, my family is taking me to Australia for two weeks and I just kinda think it's awesome. However, I am not a voting member of the academy. Most of those folks are from New York or Los Angeles and they have white guilt. They have it bad. Not to say that Get Out, a movie built on the pretension of said guilt, is undeserving, I just think in our current political climate it will get a bump. It doesn't hurt that the biggest movie in the world right now is a little thing called Black Panther and Oscar voting closes today. I think Get Out drifts on Black Panther's popularity a bit and JUST overtakes the movie that glorifies racism and the movie about fish fucking at the finish line.

Sure, this is a stretch. In fact, Get Out is squarely in third place in the best picture odds right now at 7/1. But La La Land was an overwhelming favorite last year and we all saw what happened there.

Picking an upset for best picture will keep you alive in your pool longer as well since the majority of the people will choose Billboards or Shape. A tie going into the evening's last category will keep things exciting for you.

I thought Get Out was a stellar film and I cannot wait to see what Jordan Peele does moving forward, and I'm excited to hear what he has to say when he gets a couple minutes to speak on the largest platform of his industry.

For all the technical awards I recommend picking chalk. You can find odds on Gold Derby. If you want one more upset, go The Square for foreign film. I'll be watching Sunday and if you need a gambling pool, hit me up and I'll set you up with the Scavuzzo/Trilla pool, the premier Culver City-based betting pool. I'll be watching Sunday night and I'll be wishing you luck on your picks. And I will remind you on more time that it's an absolute shame that Sing Street was cut completely out of the awards last year, because at the end of the day, the Oscars are bullshit.

Have fun everyone, may your picks be accurate and your white wine plentiful.

Friday, February 23, 2018

The Shotgun Test


Last week on this blog I proposed a theory called The Shotgun Test.

The theory states that the only time you should pursue a girl is when given the option of hanging out with her or shotgunning a beer with all of your friends, you would choose the girl.

While I thought this was a brilliant bit of writing, something that might get me a book deal on relationship advice, the response to the theory was overwhelmingly negative.

The actual verbage varied but most of the responses came down to something along the lines of ‘if this was true everyone would die alone because guys will always choose their friends. Especially when shotgunning is involved…’

This is a fair criticism because:
A: Shotgunning beers is indeed awesome.
B: 99% of the time I am on a date I wish I would have just gone out with my friends.

If that would have been the end of the criticism, I would have left it at that and moved on to coin some other cool term that would set the world on fire, but then my detractors finished their statements.

‘…I mean it’s not like I REALLY want to be at the Farmer’s market with my girlfriend/wife anyway.”

A ha!

They were not opposed to The Shotgun Test. They misinterpreted it!

Of course any male in a long term relationship would rather shotgun a beer than slog to a couples cooking class. Hell, they see their girlfriend every day, might even live together. Shotgunning a beer with a friend is a rare occasion. Shit, if you’re a married guy with kids you take the shotgun test every day when you don’t blow your head off with a real life shotgun!

The shotgun test was never meant to test an actual relationship. Relationships are built on love, trust and companionship. The shotgun test is meant to test infatuation, the timeline I would refer to as the meet-cute through the honeymoon phase. Then and only then can the shotgun test be applied.

For the purpose of this article, I will walk through a hypothetical early relationship, administering my test several times throughout to give everyone a better understanding of the internet’s new hot theory.

(Note: It is unfair to administer the shotgun test during or immediately after sex. During sex no one gives a fuck about their friends, and after everyone is asexual for 15 minutes)

The Meet Cute: 
You are at a karaoke bar for a friend’s birthday. You walk to the host and ask if by chance he has ‘Party in the USA’ by Miley Cyrus.
“Shit!” You hear from behind you, “I wanted to sing that.”
Because you are feeling generous and because you possibly did a key bump in the bathroom you say something incredibly ballsy like “Why don’t we sing it together?”
It works, you guys crush it! You spend the rest of the night at the bar hanging out together, you even make out for a little bit. At the end of the night she asks if you want to walk her home…

SHOTGUN TEST. If you would rather go back into the bar and shotgun a beer with your buds you should pull the ripcord and never talk to this girl again. 

But you DO want to walk her home. She invites you inside, second base. Well done. Advance to step 2.

The First Date:
It’s a Thursday night in Santa Monica. If you’ve been dreading it all day, this is not a good sign. You should probably just text her that you have ebola and never speak to her again, but if you ARE looking forward to seeing her, this is a good sign! Since all of your favorite bars on Main Street and Rose are closed, you take her to Big Dean’s because how expensive can a date be at a bar with no kitchen or liquor?
You guys are having a great time, she is super cool! You don’t remember much from the karaoke night but you guys have a lot of the same interests. You may ask her if she wants to go back to your spot for a night cap. After all, you did clean your room and wash your sheets for the first time in three months. She goes to the bathroom so you check your phone and see a text…
“Bro, we are on the beach SHOTGUNNING BEERS!!!”

Oh shit. 

Now if your first inclination is to cut this date short, you probably have a substance abuse issue but more importantly this relationship is a non-starter. But if you ask for the check so you can get this chick in bed? Advance to step 3.

First night out with your friends:
You guys are having sex now. You look forward to seeing her, but you’re not quite dating. You definitely still introduce her to girls in your group that you secretly want to fuck as ‘Your friend’
Alas, there is still effort involved. You respond to all of her texts within 3 minutes. If she goes away for the weekend you think of fun excuses to text her other than just asking for nudes.

I remember this honeymoon phase. I once drove from Chicago to Indianapolis on a Thursday night to be with a girl for five hours and then drove to work the next day back in Chicago. It was awful but I was happy to do it. (Then that weekend I went on a drug binge in New York that hasn’t been rivaled this century, I have not been back to New York since) but still! ROMANCE IS ALIVE AT THIS POINT.

Back to the scenario. First night out with your friends, you guys go to an indie rock show at the local dive bar. Let’s call the band ‘The Aborted Abortions’ or the AAs for short. Anyway, everyone is having fun, drinking old fashioneds, dancing around, LIFE IS GOOD. 

Around one o clock in the morning, all the women are tired and ready to leave. Your kinda not-quite girlfriend asks if you just want to go back to her place.

But then your best friend walks up to you and whispers in your ear.

“There’s an afterparty downtown and…they’re shotgunning beers.”

If you decide to not only ditch your girl but to get in an uber going east of Lincoln at one o clock in the morning dump this poor girl now. It’s never going to work out.

But if you say, ‘Naw man, we’re gonna call it a night.’

Holy shit. Proceed to step 4.

Dating: The final step.
Last night you guys went to bed without having sex because you were both pretty tired. This morning she peed in the bathroom while you were taking a shower. You’re not positive but she may have farted in front of you yesterday at Whole Foods.

You’ve settled into it now, you guys are straight up dating. You still like each other. You’re planning a Palm Springs getaway! That should be fun. Some of her friends want to do a ski trip. You like to ski. Tonight is something a little less exciting, you will be joining her for a baby shower, and if there is time after that, you’re going to go check out her coworker’s UCB 101 grad school. Really compelling stuff. But right before you take that quarter bar of Xanax to numb yourself to your new reality, a desperate phone call comes in.

“Hey man, don’t ask how but I am on my way to your place right now in a limo that is taking us to Vegas to see Sofi Tukker play at Marquee. We have backstage and bottles plus a room at Cosmo. I already talked to the tour manager and he said that we can shotgun beers in the limo, on stage and in the hotel room.”

Now this is a bullshit scenario and it’s entirely unfair. Any reasonable significant other would tell you to go and have fun, but that is not the point of the shotgun test. If your relationship so insignificant that any random time you get a better offer you will fuck off and leave her to fend for her own?

If you want to go to Vegas, go. Tell your girlfriend you’re sorry, you just prefer behaving like a degenerate than pretending to be excited about childbirth.


But if you happen to say “Sorry bro, maybe next time.” Then shit dude, you better put a ring on this chick because you are in love. Maybe you have found a partner to shotgun beers with for the rest of your life.

Tuesday, February 13, 2018

What Does That First Date Mean?


It's February, it's probably cold wherever you are and that means you are probably letting yourself get a little too fat and watching some extremely mediocre Netflix.

Some people have called this 'cuffing season.' The idea is that you will have someone to hibernate with? Order Chinese food, watch Altered Carbon, break up the last week in April and go on a cocaine and cigarettes diet until you look palatable in a swimsuit and can resume your hedonistic ways of drinking until you can't stand on the weekend and rolling the dice that you'll wake up next to someone that doesn't make you want to vomit.

No?

That's just me? Well regardless, even in LA people seem to be more interested in dating during the winter months. Now despite the fact that I despise dating (I'm more of an aforementioned, black out and hope for the best kinda guys) I do have some thoughts on dating. In fact, lately I've even had to accept the possibility that I might be forced to use one of the following strategies because the Townhouse thirst really does die down during February. What follows is a guide for women, but also for me I suppose, on what to expect based on the type of date you may find yourself asked on. I might be a savage but for some reason I have a unique understanding of the human condition and I know the real meaning behind all of these 'creative' date ideas.

Now follow me down this cynical path of despair, we're all dying alone.

First let's set a scenario that will remain constant for the remainder of this article.

Last Saturday, you (an American female) were drinking with a friend at a casual neighborhood bar. You met a guy that was somewhat charming. You and your friend followed him to the next bar and the next thing you knew you were making out in the corner of a dark club and he had his hand up your shirt.

"NO!" You protested. "I'm not that easy, take me on a date and then we'll see." He resisted with sad puppy eyes for a little bit and said canned lines like "we don't have to have sex I just want to cuddle," or even better "Let's go on a date right now." You resist and both go your separate ways. He texts you a couple times on Sunday asking you to come over, he even requests a nude. BUT YOU HOLD FIRM.

"FIIIINNNNE" He acquiesces. "Let's go out on Wednesday."

Congrats! You have a date! What follows are the 10 different dates you might get asked out on and what they really mean. You're welcome in advance.

1. Let's grab a bottle of wine and watch the sunset on the beach, then we'll take a stroll around the canals.

On the surface: A lovely first date! Casual, fun, dare I say creative!

In reality: He's fucking poor. Actually broke. Poor people don't go to bars, broke dudes do, because worst case scenario their dad will give them money followed by a stern phone call. Broke dude likely spent all his money on cocaine the Saturday you met, you just failed to notice. By taking you on a walking tour of the neighborhood his out of pocket expense is roughly 8 dollars because that's how much he will spend on the second cheapest bottle at Whole Foods. If you really want to confirm this, suggest grabbing a cocktail after your stroll. Not a beer. A cocktail. 

The worst ever scenario for a guy on a budget is the phrase "creative cocktails" in a Yelp review. That is a fancy way of saying, YOU'RE FUCKED BRO. I mixed Jager and Skol Vodka in college, THAT is creative. A $22 organic Old Fashioned is just annoying. Broke bro will probably make an excuse in this situation, he's tired. Or perhaps he'll suggest grabbing another bottle of wine and watching a movie. You could do worse, it's your choice on whether or not you want to be paying for his dinners the next two months.

2. Come over I want to cook for you.

On the surface: Oh? He can cook!

In reality: He's fucking poor. Actually broke. Also he wants to fuck, but not in the creepy way you're thinking. I know women generally assume it's a terrible idea to go to a guy's house for a first date because of sexual assault and understandably so, but I speculate it is much more likely that the guy just doesn't have (or doesn't want to spend) $200 to take you out. You aren't heading to his creepy sex dungeon, you're going to his 4 bedroom 1 bath apartment where his roommates will be laying on the couch and he's going to cook bad bolognese while serving you 2 Buck Chuck that he expertly placed in a decanter before you arrived so you won't know how cheap it was.

That's actually a pretty solid move that I'm not even mad at.

You're probably thinking, "a first date doesn't have to cost $200" but you have to realize that this guy wants to have sex with you. So he is going to get four drinks to calm his nerves and hope that you have four as well. That's 100 right there. Much easier to set the whole thing 25 feet from his bedroom.

3. Let's hit this super fun BYOB place!

On the surface: Dinner and bring your own drinks? What a novel idea!

In reality: He's slightly less poor, and also an alcoholic. The reason I don't love dates is because I need about eight drinks before I am comfortable talking to a girl and if you order 8 drinks on a first date you look like a psychopath butttttttt if you bring three bottles of wine to a BYOB Caribbean place and make sure your wine glass is never all the way empty or all the way full everyone loses count really quick...

Also at a BYOB place the social construct of 'should we order one more?' goes out the window. The alcohol exists, it's a sunk cost. He may say something like, oh I was just at the store and figured I would get a bottle for the house but you both know neither of you are leaving that place until it's all gone.

 4. Let's check out a movie

On the surface: Movies are fun, especially with the new reclining chairs!

In reality: He doesn't trust himself to be able to hold a conversation for 3 hours so he chews up over half in a situation where you sit in silence in the dark. Then AFTER the movie you can fill time with talking about the movie. No questions about work, about family, just real surface level stuff and then you can talk about how fucked up you both were on Saturday, if you don't hate each other by this point it's about time to go have sex.

Sidenote: I went to 50 Shades of Grey last week and I was the only guy in the theater. We brought a bottle of wine and I had the greatest night of my life. My only regret was not bringing a bottle of straight Whiskey. Getting shitfaced with a bunch of thirsty women during a campy movie is hilarious.

5. Let's go see this show

On the surface: Hell ya, a concert and on a school night! It will look so cool on my Insta story.

In reality: Here's a fun little secret, there isn't a ton of talking done at a concert. It's like going to a movie but it's more socially acceptable to dance and make out with your date. I went on a quasi blind date to a Guster concert once and it was fucking awesome. We smoked cigarettes, drank beer and lost our motherfucking minds when they played "Come Downstairs and Say Hello." I walked away from the show knowing nothing about the other person but thinking that we should do it again. I don't like talking, I don't have much to say. But I do like dancing and kissing in a crowded space. Also ladies, the good sign about this, is if a guy is taking you to a place with $18 beers he probably has a job.

6. A sporting event!

On the surface: I can pretend to like sports for a night.

In reality: I'm kidding, I know women like sports. Going to a game is actually a pretty good first date. You can casually converse but also if there is a lull you can comment on the action. The first date after you've already had a sloppy bar hook-up is always fascinating because 90% of the time you are recapping things that you do or don't remember from the previous weekend. "So did you say you're from Minnesota?" "Um, Texas." "Oh ya!" That exact line has probably been said a million times in 2018 between white millenials on a first date. I did the research.

Fortunately at a game you can laugh it off and say "let's go get a hot dog and a comically large beer." The truth is on a first date, no one is trying to figure out if they are soul mates, the questions to answer are: Is this guy going to murder me in my sleep? Is this guy going to give me AIDS? If the answer to both of those is no, how bad could it be? I mean maybe they don't look as good in the light, but if they're polite and feed you enough Dodger Stadium Micheladas they're probably getting a minimum of a hand job, even if they are ducking into the bathroom for key bumps during the 7th inning stretch.

7. Dinner. Just a normal dinner.

On the surface: The classic date! Get dressed up! Adult!

In reality: This is arguably the most intense first date there is. 2 people, one table, and two hours of conversation to fill. Kill me, kill me now. Every dinner date for me is that episode of Atlanta when he is calculating the bill in his head. There are two competing objectives every time a man and woman go to dinner. The guy wants to spend as little money as possible and still get his penis touched. The girl wants to feel appreciated and classy. So if you ask for the wine list and your date doesn't have a stroke, then maybe marry him because he isn't worrying about this bill causing his power to get shut off. And if you have poor parents he may even be able to cover the wedding. 

Jesus Dave that was pretty anti-feminist, you live in California now, you can't say things like that. Women work too.

Oh FUCK YOU inner monologue I can still dig into my inner privileged midwest kid. Half the people that read this blog voted for Trump. Besides, I hide behind the fact that it's satire even though I'm always like 89% serious.

8. Drinks

On the surface: Basically the standard first night out for young people.

In reality: Fun story! Everyone that works in entertainment incessantly goes out to 'drinks.' This is masqueraded as a way for people to network. That is a fallacy. This exits solely for the purpose of helping young people fuck each other. In fact, I would posit that any two people that have worked at a studio/agency/production house or network can play six degrees of Kevin Bacon with sexual partners. I hooked up with someone that worked at UTA who probably hooked up with someone at Paramount who probably fucked a bisexual actor in the bathroom at the Pikey who sucked the dick of a director at 3 Arts to get a job, and that director is married to a casting agent who is having an affair with an assistant at WB. And that's how I know Mike. Hey Mike!

But for real, drinks are just like dinner with more incremental breaks for you to bail. Once you sign up for dinner you're in for the whole two hour debacle. Drinks? You get a chance to call it every 20 minutes. Can you imagine if your date casually drops that he is a 9/11 Truther and you still have to wait for the desert menu?

9. My friends are having a thing

On the surface: Wow, he thinks enough of me to introduce me to his friends!

In reality: He is terrified to be alone with you. Furthermore he would rather be with his friends all night and then conveniently retire to the bedroom with you. It's really an ideal scenario. His friends will laugh at his jokes. His friends' girlfriends will be there and give you some comfort that this guy is in fact normal, but the truth is....if a guy brings you around with his friends the first date, he will always choose them for the rest of time. I have a very standard test when it comes to women. Would I rather be with just her, or would I rather be shotgunning beers with my friends listening to LMFAO songs from 2009.

Unsurprisingly only one girl ever passed this test. I don't know if that means I lean asexual or if I am just a raging alcoholic.

10. Something offbeat!

On the surface: A comedy show? Bowling? A play? A fucking pottery class? He really put some thought into this!

In reality: Effort is for assholes. People that try too hard on a first date are trying to hide something, distract you even. It could be something as innocent as they weren't cool in high school and didn't have a lot of friends, they were in a bad frat in college and a virgin until they were 26. Or maybe they are a sex offender or divorced. Maybe they had a 'domestic dispute' with a former lover that is easily available for discovery on the internet!

My go to college date was to take girls to musicals that came to town. Who doesn't want some culture in Bloomington, Indiana. But looking back I think I went like 0 for 5 on those dates. Do you know why? Because I was trying too hard. I had much more success kicking down the door at Kilroy's and shouting DADDY'S HOME, ordering 2 bottles of Cook's Champagne and pulling my dick out on the dance floor.

That's a metaphor for confidence I think. 

Oh God, this is a mess. Let me walk this back. 

If someone goes over the top on a first date, they are compensating for something and setting the bar impossibly high. They are setting you up for a lifetime of disappointment. 

That was probably over dramatic, but let's check the final scores.

Scenario 1: Poor
Scenario 2: Poor
Scenario 3: Drunk
Scenario 4: Doesn't want to talk to you
Scenario 5: Doesn't want to talk to you
Scenario 6: Drug addict
Scenario 7: Boring
Scenario 8: Fuckboy
Scenario 9: Unavailable
Scenario 10: Try hard.

So what did we learn? We learned that you are fuckkkkkkked. You're going to die alone and this whole dating thing is a farce. Happy fucking Valentine's Day!

I'm kidding, it's not as hopeless as it all seems. Shockingly at my core I'm a romantic, not in a classic way but more of a Trainspotting kinda way. I still think I'm going to stumble out of this haze some day and get my happily ever after. 

In the mean time, I figure it's best to just be super honest when it comes to dating. Say exactly what you want and what you're expecting. We're old now, the time to play coy is over. You're not going to get your "You complete me" moment, but you might get your "But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all." 

Way to land the plane there Dave. You managed to shit on LA, the entertainment industry writ large, the institution of dating, throw out at least 5 humble brags, reference substance abuse constantly, but somehow land on a message of hope while quoting both Jerry Maguire and 10 Things I Hate About You.

Why thanks inner monologue, you're not too bad either.
/bows
 

Monday, February 12, 2018

Who Runs Olympic Village?

Over the course of the last couple weeks the internet has been abuzz with articles about the Winter Olympics. People have fallen in love with the mixed curling siblings that look like they could be truck drivers from Kenosha, websites have arbitrarily ranked the events and I have questioned why my dad didn't build me my own luge track in the backyard while I was a kid.

I have even pondered if given a lifetime of training if I could medal in ice roller derby.

Alas, I have settled on a more important query for today. Given the notoriety of the social scene in Olympic Village and the record breaking number of condoms available for the athletes, this article will seek to answer which event's athletes are the John Tucker of Pyeongchang. Who is the 2006 ATO of the village.

More simply; who fucks?

I have spent countless hours evaluating schedules, country breakdowns, athlete photos and unverified stories on Twitter to try to figure out who the cool kids are, who will be using the lion's share of those free Lifestyle condoms from the Olympic Village health center. Let's get right into it.

Since I don't want to do a couple paragraphs on every event I eliminated some events in the preliminary heats. The following did not make it to the medal round.

Curling
Biathlon
Cross Country Skiing
Freestyle Skiing
Figure Skating
Skeleton

Curling was eliminated because you can be the best in the world and still be an overweight man in your 40's, although I contend these guys would be great to get a beer with.

Biathlon was eliminated because while anyone that skis around with a rifle on their back is undoubtedly rad, I feel like these guys would rather shoot and skin a bear than court a German Aerialist at whatever dive bar the athletes make their local haunt.

Cross Country skiing almost stayed off the list for the thirst trap that is that shirtless Tongan guy, but it is undoubtedly the most boring event at the olympics.

Freestyle skiing is cool but not as cool as Freestyle snowboarding, it's like the girl that gets into Theta but really wanted Pi Phi.

I figure all the men in figure skating are either gay or already having sex with their partner.

And everyone that does Skeleton clearly has a death wish, I feel like these guys can't get turned on unless their partner is beating them over their head with a rock.

ONWARD:

The remaining events are:
Freestyle Snowboarding
Alpine Skiing
Luge
Bobsled
Speed Skating
Hockey
Ski Jumping

Onward to the medal round!!!

Just off podium...

7. Ski Jumping
Going fast and jumping off of shit is inherently fratty as fuck. I could just see these dudes shotgunning beers and flying off the training ramp into the pool yelling "SEND IT" while completely nude. They would then send these videos to Barstool and there would be a click bait article like 'NORWEGIAN BROS FUCKING SEND IT WHILE TRAINING FOR WINTER OLYMPICS"
It doesn't hurt that Scandinavians are attractive AF.

6. Luge
Luge guys are the slightly less crazy cousins to the skeleton guys. Working in their favor are two major things, scheduling and money.

Most of the luge guys are done for the games, so that means they have two weeks to fuck around and get drunk as shit. Also people in the luge game are clearly not strapped for cash. Did you see the aforementioned kid that has a FUCKING LUGE COURT IN HIS BACKYARD???

I have joked around on this blog before that I legitimately asked my parents for a water slide from my bedroom for Christmas one year. Straight out of fucking blank check. I also asked for a boat, a lake house and a BB gun. I never got any of these. Tucker West was probably fucking around one night and said 'Dad build me a fucking luge track.' AND HE DID IT. And just to make sure it wasn't a on off, Tucker must have asked for a tennis court the following year and just for good measure his dad made it grass, because why the fuck not?

The only thing that holds luge back is that the alphas of the sport are from Russia, Germany and Austria. These countries just seem a little too intense to trifle over things like cocking South Korean figure skaters, but still they garner a respectable 6th place.

5. Bobsled
I think my favorite thing about bobsled is that I like to romanticize the idea that there is a Ringo on every four man team. You know, a guy that probably isn't qualified to be there but is a great locker room guy that gets a spot join the squad anyway? I'm thinking Doug E Doug from Cool Runnings, the dude that kisses the egg, sang that stupid 'Jamaica We Have a Bobsled team' song, he probably sucked at bobsledding, but alas that dude made it to the olympics.

I too am objectively without talent, but I'm great for morale. I could've been a great unqualified fourth member of a bobsled team.

Working against bobsled is the fact that the men's four man Bobsled isn't until February 24th. The Closing Ceremonies are the 25th. Now while I imagine it is not explicitly banned to party before you compete, it's likely frowned upon. And waiting until the night of the closing ceremony to find your date is like going into the last day of Burning Man hoping for a miracle. Here's hoping the bobsled bros get a more favorable slot in Beijing,

4. Hockey
Look, hockey bros are unquestionably the coolest guys on the Earth. I once went out with an AHL player and he taught me how to snort vodka, my deviated septum has never recovered. However, this year's crop of hockey players are career minor leaguers, washed up NHL guys in their late 30's and a couple college guys.

Now while I am positive that those college guys are making it fucking rain in South Korea, these are the exceptions, not the rule...kinda like the cool guy in ZBT that you can't believe didn't get into a third street house. Furthermore, the alpha dogs in hockey are the Russian dudes, guys that got cucked by the IOC and aren't even allowed to carry their flag for the next two weeks because they got caught doing steroids, which we all know shrink your dick. If NHL guys were involved this would be an easy Gold Medal, but we're using the B teamers and that knocks hockey off the podium.

The Bronze Medal. Alpine Skiing
Congrats to the men (and women!) of Downhill, Super G, Giant Slalmon, Slalom and Combined. You all kick ass and skiing is dope as shit. You all live in Aspen, Park City and Tahoe and have been drinking at bars like Eric's, No Name Saloon and Whiskey Dicks for FAR too long. Furthermore as skiers you are much classier than your snowboarding brethren. You have names like Braden or Hunter and hang out with dudes that have an IV suffix attached to their name. You have family money. Not only have you never had to work, your dad never had to work.

You like to go fast, like really fucking fast. You motherfuckers fly down the hill at 90 mph. You hang out with Lindsey Vonn. Alpine skiers probably down 3 IPAs before racing their boys down the mountain on a top downer and last one to Apres Ski has to buy the winners shots of Louis XIV.

Norwegians dominate this event, have you ever been to Norway? Have you ever seen a Norwegian? You should go. You can take a Norwegian Air flight there for like 22 dollars. Everyone is 6 foot 2 and perfect looking. They don't talk body positivity in Norway because everyone looks like they were genetically engineered to fly fast down a mountain...and fuck. They are vikings after all.

 The Silver Medal. Speed Skating
Speed skating is bad ass. Short track is better than long track and mass start is better than them both because it looks like a fucking Nascar Race. Sure a piece of me likes it because I'm waiting for catastrophic crash but also it's one of the only sports that features anyone that isn't a generic white guy. Of course that statement is unfair, I know there is a black guy on our men's hockey team and the 17 year old girl that just won half pipe has Asian heritage but speed skating is arguably the most diverse sport at the 2018 games. The US team alone has Shani Davis (in his fifth games) and JR Celski who is of Fillipino descent not to mention the 17 year old Maame Biney on the women's side of thin-

Editor's note: Dave are you really insinuating that the largely white Winter Olympians will want to have sex with some non-white athletes because it's a breath of fresh air? That's incredibly racist.

NO! I just wanted to shout out a sport that didn't look like a bachelor party at Mammoth. Ok, maybe a little (especially the German women)

What I am arguing is speed skating is bad ass. The most represented country is the Netherlands, a country famous for letting you fuck a hooker on the street while doing meth. Canada and the USA are second and third respectively and I just find that to be a bit of a power trio. I mean Shani Davis skipped the opening ceremony in a move that is both incredibly petty but also wonderfully alpha. The man is 35, has two gold medals and is single. He will steal your girl. I bet he racks up five this games...minimum. But not even Shani could knock off the kings.

The Gold Medal. Freestyle Snowboarding

It was always a battle for silver if we're being honest. What I want to know is how is Red Gerard going to spend his next 2 weeks. Does he get the Jesus Shuttleworth orgy treatment every night? Does he begin a romance with fellow 17 year old American Gold Medal winner Chloe Kim and become America's 'it' couple? Am I risking sex offender status by speculating on the personal lives of two children? Let me walk that back. I don't want to know if he's fornicating, but I do hope Shaun White buys him some beer.

Speaking of Shaun White, he is hot now. Following in the footsteps of redheads getting jacked pioneer, Carrot Top, Shaun White has transformed from something that resembled an actual flying tomato to some hybrid of Macklemore and Ryan from the O.C.

It doesn't hurt that the snowboarders are probably the only guys that can bring in some serious coin on their own outside the Winter Games. While smaller nations were literally waiting for GoFundMe campaigns to get to the games, the snowboarders shrugged while Red Bull, Burton and Oakley pick up the tab. The Speed skaters could objectively be cooler dudes but if a bunch of Snowboarders invite a Finnish Ice Dancer to fly to Mammoth on the Monster Energy private jet next weekend and stay at the K2 house, that's tough to compete with. Trust me, it's why I haven't been able to hold onto a girl in LA for longer than 3 months. There's nothing more effortlessly cool than doing what you love and getting paid a ton for it. That is the life that the snowboarders and the snowboarders only are living. Every day is their annual ski trip. These guys jump out of helicopters in documentaries funded by Vice.

Don't let their laid back stoner persona trick you. Snowboarders are running the show in olympic village. They're drinking champagne and eating lobster every night. They are working their way through every country like they are trying to check every sorority off their list. They are in the athlete's village hot tub with the Four Lokos every night, whether or not they are competing in the morning.

So roll up a joint, pump the Dave Matthews and stand for their anthem, your freestyle snowboarders are the kings of Olympic Village, if the line to get into their party tonight is too long, maybe you can meet them at their Vail Cabin for Spring Break.