Wednesday, March 28, 2018

The Loneliness of the American Savage



It’s Two O’clock in the afternoon as I lay on an old couch that I bought used from a friend after a bed bug infestation destroyed all the furniture. I’m trying to watch golf and calm down after a weekend of extreme drinking. My endorphin count is negative.

Elsewhere one of my two roommates is having a full blown panic attack because he lost his company car keys and thinks it may lead to his firing. He goes to a bottomless brunch to deal with stress. I see my phone start vibrating. It’s my dad and there is absolutely no chance I am mentally prepared to talk to him. In all likelihood he wants to ask me about the college basketball games over the weekend or even a shot Tiger Woods just hit.
But there is a chance something is wrong at home, a chance I overdrew my bank account over the weekend, things that I am in no way prepared to handle on a Sunday. I twice hit the ignore button and 20 minutes later when I receive a text asking if everything is OK, I can barely muster the energy to just respond ‘yes.’

For those of us that chose to live this life we’ve managed to freeze time in a way. I still look substantially younger than my age, often mistaken for 23 or 24. I have a hairstyle that a college kid might sport, I wear hoodies to work. I’ve maintained an athletic frame. Sure, some fortuitous genetics might be at play there but sometimes it seems I’ve tricked my body into not aging. Perhaps it’s the fact that I get 12 hours of sleep on Sundays when I don’t get out of bed until 3pm. Or that my liver is so busy processing alcohol and fast food that my body has forgotten to start turning me grey. I don’t look GOOD per se, just perpetually like a 20something on the back end of a bender. Nothing a shower and a good night’s sleep can’t fix.

But also frozen in time is a lifestyle. I’m still living paycheck to paycheck in a starter apartment with multiple roommates. I’ve bounced around entry level jobs in the entertainment industry because of a mix of bad luck and personality conflicts. Well and probably poor performance, let’s be real. While more and more people look to real life responsibilities, I keep existing in a kind of vortex in which 2011 never ended.

People are always happy to see me, I think it reminds them of a simpler time; a guy who just wants to have fun, a person who doesn’t stress about the insecurities of growing older. As you can imagine though the romantic relationships are typically brief and fleeting. Women our age aren’t looking for a guy who his friends refer to as ‘a hero.’ They aren’t looking for the life of the party. They want a dependable partner, someone they could see a future with. Some may find me acceptable for the night, especially coming off a break-up. Being in proximity to me will certainly make you feel young again, if only for a short while before you return to reality. I’m a good hang but it could never be serious.

Depression as humor has really taken over on the internet. People love to use a self-deprecating tone to laugh at their inability to find a partner, poke fun at their unwillingness to get out of bed every morning or satirize the fact that they often stay in at night and cry. In psychology this would probably be considered a displacement, I’ll take my sad feelings and use them to make others laugh! Whereas the life I live turns into a classic regression. I try to push out of my mind any feelings of negativity and just focus on getting to the next good thing. I just need to make it to the weekend, this trip I have planned, this holiday, this movie release. The problem of course is, these good things come and pass while I remain empty.

Sure, it is a way to live but there has to be something more to life than ripping it with the boys all weekend and limping through a week until the following Friday, living vicariously through my own past accomplishments doing deep dives through a TimeHop history that once revealed a future of so much promise.

People that I haven’t seen in a while will often give me a wide smile and say things like ‘you haven’t changed a bit’ which I’m sure is intended as a compliment or at least a term of endearment but it also reminds me that my feet have been stuck in mud really since college and all I have to show for it is a few free t shirts I got as wrap gifts.

I rarely write seriously on this blog because it’s much more fun to write about dating and hard living than it is to be honest with oneself. But for those who always assumed I wasn’t self aware, I assure you the smile is often a mask as I’ve been hanging on by a thin thread for quite a while at this point. It’s an interesting position to be in when everyone loves you but also kind of perceives you to be kind of a joke, unfortunately myself and countless others in my position do nothing that would lead one to draw any other conclusion.

Some may see this as a cry for help, but I promise it isn’t. I write so much stuff on here the glamorizes debauchery. Sure, it’s an ACT to a certain extent and most of my more autobiographical writing comes in tv and film where my last three projects have been 1. About a guy at IU. 2. About a guy and his relationship with his conservative father and 3. A chick who wants to run away from life’s challenges and live in a hostel.

That said, it helps to be open and honest on here sometimes as well, it freshens my perspective and helps me clear my thoughts and reset my goals for what trials and tribulations lay in wait. At the moment, I’m not necessarily where I want to be or who I want to be, but at least I know who I am and where I want to go.

Tuesday, March 27, 2018

FUCKBOY MADNESS: Final Four


I know what you're thinking.

1. I skipped the Elite 8
2. The bracket format and college basketball have been beaten to death at this point.

You're correct! So today I will crown a champion and be done with this gimmick that went on far too long.

BUT FIRST...

My podcast is live! You can subscribe on Apple just like with a normal podcast.

https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/beer-a-hole/id1364179632?mt=2

I've wanted a podcast for a very long time. Originally I was going to do a podcast about the O.C. because I think it is the greatest show of all time. In the pilot episode the antagonist is wearing puka shells, driving a lifted truck, punches the protagonist in the face and utters the line "Welcome to the OC bitch. This is how we do it in Orange County."

It's magical. I could do a 12 part series on that scene alone.

Anyway, I came up with the idea of calling it the brO.C. which would have been a blatant rip off Gilmore Guys but I'm positive I am funnier than them. I was working on a show with a bunch of OC alums and could have gotten great interviews. I just needed a partner. At first I thought about my friend Kevin, then Nick, then my roommate Sarah. I even wrote an outline for that unfortunately Sarah did not share the same affinity for teen soaps that I do.

Then I was going to do it with a girl named Libby which would have been great because she has two Soho House memberships and I think she wants to be famous just as bad as I do. Alas we got drunk and were too hungover to record on a Sunday so the dream died.

Cut to 2018 I am horrendously drunk at James Beach with a couple of my buds and we are all bitching about making things for other people. I float the idea of a podcast. Sure, but what do we talk about?

Well, we're on a golf chain that gets about 400 messages a day. We are all in a fantasy golf league, we play golf, we've been to two PGA events already this year. We'll record on Sundays with a special guest. We'll try to use fake names for when I inevitably cross the line. It will be a comedy podcast that happens to mention golf.

Our first episode was recorded after St. Patrick's Day and honestly you'll probably never hear it. I consumed two bottles of Rex Goliath merlot and uttered the phrase "Fatty Reed is a fucking TWAT." At least 12 times. Last week we cleaned it up a bit and posted what you hear above. Whether we get 10 listeners or 10,000 we'll aim to record every Sunday of the PGA season and hopefully have some fun along the way. Regardless, it feels good to make something.

TO THE BRACKET...


In the northeast quadrant Trust Fund gave cocaine a run for its money but lost in overtime due to cocaine's miraculous energy burst late. May have to check those guys for performance enhancing substances.

In the southeast Murray Hill beat frats in an ugly game as both teams seem to be on the downslide.

In the northwest Ghosting obliterated the upstart 'U up?' and in the Southwest in another non competitive game Benching dominated male feminists in what some reporters called 'an actual hate crime.'

The final four....

Ghosting vs. Benching

Cocaine vs Murray Hill

Breaking down the West Final (fuckboy habits)
Ghosting vs Benching is almost a battle of the old vs the new. Ghosting has been around since the beginning of time. Sure it has changed as the 'You never called" has been replaced by the "You stopped answering my texts.'

Conversely benching is a relatively new phenomenon. It's easier than ever to arrange a suitable army of back-up chicks when you think things with your main chick may be about to head south. Tinder, Bumble, Coffee Meets Bagel all these stupid apps are engineered in a way that you could have a side piece in every neighborhood of Los Angeles and if you have the skill none of them may be aware of the other. I'm sure this behavior too has been going on forever, but now it's easier than ever. If you have the attention span to capably text six women at once, Benching should be a breeze.

Breaking down the East Final (fuckboy lifestyle)
Interestingly enough Cocaine and Murray Hill are two blue blood programs that have seen better days. It's almost like a North Caroline Indiana matchup on the east side of the bracket. Murray Hill seems to have been replaced by the hipper, younger, Brooklyn. Whereas casual cocaine usage seems to have gone out of favor for either Adderall or just not being a drug addict.

However because these trends are cyclical and teams only need to get hot at the right time, both have made a deep run. Hell, in winter in New York it helps to be close to the action in Manhattan and possibly the only thing strong enough to convince you to go out in 15 degree weather is a couple chalkers and disco naps.

*********************************************************************

In the west Ghosting won fairly convincingly. As Omar Little once said 'You come at the King, you best not miss.' Benching failed to rise to the occasion.

The east matchup was much closer but Murray Hill faded down the stretch as their mind was probably on the fact that their $5,500 rent payment on their 700 square foot studio was due Friday and they spent too much $ on cocaine last weekend to cover it.

The early money was on cocaine to take the title. As they always say, if you see someone on a coke bender, get out of the way. But some very hefty wagers on Ghosting by the wise guys late moved this line to a pick 'em.

Cocaine got off to a great start, but really started to hit a wall in the second half. The players started complaining about sinus pain and needing a cigarette. By the end of the game half the team was on the bench with nose bleeds.

Ghosting prevailed in Fuckboy madness and cut the nets while ignoring the texts from every woman they had slept with during the tournament.

When asked why he thought they won, the ghosting coach was quoted as saying. "Well hey, we all know cocaine makes your dick not work, right? In order to be a true Fuckboy, don't you need to be able to, ya know, fuck?"

Truer words have never been spoken. Please join me in congratulating the winners of the 2018 FUCKBOY MADNESS, Ghosting!

Friday, March 23, 2018

Happier

How are you doing? It's a light, innocuous question but interestingly enough the true answer could be quite dark. The expected answer is 'great' or at the very minimum 'all right.' Very rarely will the person say "Actually I'm terrible, I lost my job, I'm in debt, my marriage is failing and I think I have developed gout.' There are certain social norms that prevent us from talking about our feelings even with those closest to us like family and friends. Bearing this in mind, I wanted to try a thought experiment and attempt to track my relative happiness over my whole life.

I assigned each year with a score of 1-10 based on how happy I think I was at that age.

A score of 1 would indicate that I was actively looking for a bridge to throw myself off of
A score of 10 would indicate that I was feeling like I was peaking on Molly and wanted to call everyone in my phone and tell them I love them.

Of course this is not entirely scientific, I may remember things being better or worse than they were at the time, but I wanted to plot this on a graph and make some observations about life, both mine and growing up in a more general sense.

The results...


Looks something like an interval training regimen on an elliptical machine.

The Negative
The first observation is the three obvious dips.

They start at 12, 22 and 30.

This coincides with the beginning of middle school, the end of college and the end of the 20's.

Middle school was probably the worst time in my life. I believe I hit a low point of 3 at the age of 13. I'm pretty sure I was not alone in this, in fact just last year there was a movie released called 'Middle School: The Worst Years of My Life.' Middle school blows. Kids are mean, social politics are bullshit and everyone is starting to go through puberty. I can't even remember much, it's like I repressed all the awkwardness.

The next drop is the end of college which even if you didn't have a wonderful collegiate experience that I did, it's easy to see how living with zero responsibility to getting a job and paying bills would shock the system to nearly anyone.

The final drop is at 30 which likely coincides with professional frustration and angst about aging.

The Positive
The next observation is the three obvious rebounds. YOUR BOY IS A SECOND HALF TEAM.

After the middle school debacle, my happiness slowly climbed through high school until reaching a lifetime high in college. FIVE YEARS OF TENS IN A ROW. Some people don't get five tens their whole lives.

The next rebound begins at 24 when I moved to Los Angeles. This shows that I was willing to make a change, if something isn't working, fix it. I had a decent run in LA before faltering again at 30, which leads to the last rebound.

At 30 I spent a year feeling sorry for myself and thinking about all the mistakes that I had made and if I had done one thing different everything would be OK. At 31, I think I just said 'fuck it' and learned to live with myself for better or worse.

Random musings

I maintained a very happy childhood except for that first year where I almost died at birth, but after that 0-6 was pretty rad. I credit my mom for lots of trips to the park and Disney World.

2001 was my lowest happiness rating, it's also when 9/11 happened so I think we could argue that my happiness is unequivocally tied to the happiness of the USA.

Conversely my 2005-2010 happiness was maxed out coinciding with the first four seasons of Gossip Girl. Season 5 everything in the show and my life seemed to deteriorate, so I can blame Chuck Bass for all of my shortcomings.

Conclusions
It seems I have always been happier when nothing matters. As a kid? Happy as a clam? As a college student? On top of the world! Navigating pubescent relationships and the crushing realities of the real world? Not the greatest. But I've proven resilient, I've never bottomed out and I always manage to rebound to at least a 6 or 7. Life is never going to be as simple as it once was, but that doesn't mean I can't hope for the best.

Tuesday, March 20, 2018

FUCKBOY MADNESS: Sweet 16


I need to stop saying yes to things. I commit to any trip under the sun despite having a negative net worth. I do things like agree to meet people at Bungalow despite having 7% battery and knowing I will end up walking home 4 miles including past the fucking LA Marathon course.

It's a disease. I say yes because I am a people pleaser. But really all I want to do is sit on my couch or party in extreme proximity to my house. People like to say things to me like 'hey wouldn't it be fun to get out of Venice for a night?' No. It fucking wouldn't. Maybe for you a change of scenery and some 'creative cocktails' sounds nice. For me it just seems like I'm setting myself up for some awful present day Odyssey where I find myself blacked out and alone with a dead phone in Echo Park and I have to make my way home before sunrise or an angry drug dealer will kill my cat. It's like a terrible remake of The Warriors.

Usually my week looks like this.
Sunday: I'm not moving off the couch and I'm never drinking again.
Monday: I'm going to suffer through work and then come home and go to bed at 8pm.
Tuesday: Hey I can actually speak today, also still no desire to drink! Must not be an alcoholic, yay!
Wednesday: This is the type of night it would be nice to have a girlfriend and 'accidentally' finish a bottle and a half while not moving off the couch.
Thursday: Well it's basically the weekend and Three Wishes bottles are only $2.99...
Friday: Ok I'll go out as long as I can walk there.
Saturday: 9am I WILL SAY YES TO LITERALLY ANYTHING YOU ASK ME? WANNA GO TO VEGAS? FUCK YA! WANNA MURDER SOMEONE? I'M IN! LET'S CARRY OUT A 16 HOUR BENDER THAT WILL GIVE ME CRIPPLING ANXIETY FOR THE NEXT WEEK!

...and this behavior has been repeating itself for well over 10 years now. And yes, I am setting you all up for me saying no to all of your requests from now until Saturday.

Let's look at the bracket...

What a wild weekend of games, right? Trust Funds became the first SECOND 16 seed to ever upset a number one! I guess the 'entrepreneur fuckboys finally figured out that thirsty women would rather you not pretend to have a job and just cop to that family money homie!

The full results, favorites in bold:

Ghosting over 'being out of town'
Send nudes over 'I'm sick'
U up over Netflix and Chill
Friends in town over Dead phone
Breadcrumbing over negging
Calling yourself a feminist over splitting the check
benching over zombieing
cushioning over love bombing

No real surprises in the Fuckboy behavior region. Friends in town over dead phone actually makes a lot of sense when you think about it because a friend could presumably be in town for ten days and if you kept your phone dead of ten days you would be a psychopath.

Calling yourself a feminist was a minor upset over splitting the check but you could have seen it coming a mile away because a true fuckboy wouldn't take you near a restaurant.

So our Sweet 16 match-ups in this region are
Ghosting vs Send Nudes
U up? vs Friends were in town
Breadcrumbing vs. Feminist
Benching vs Cushioning

Honestly wouldn't be surprised to see Send Nudes make it out of this bracket. I realize that no one uses Snap Chat any more but never underestimate the desire of a fuckboy to just jerk off and completely avoid being within miles of you.

Things were much more exciting on the fuckboy lifestyle side of the bracket. The aforementioned Trust funds created a huge upset and now have a favorable run to the final. Drake took out Chuck Bass but now faces a very steep uphill battle with other late night 'afterparty' staple cocaine.

The results:
Trust fund over Entrepreneurs
Slow fade over USC
Drake over Chuck Bass
Cocaine over Entourage
Frats over finance
Cuffed Jeans over Music Festivals
Facial Hair over Scott Disick
Murray Hill over Pastels

The Sweet 16 Matchups are:
Trust funds vs Slow Fade
Drake vs Cocaine
Frats vs Cuffed Jeans
Facial Hair vs Murray Hill

There are going to be some good games this week. Get your popcorn and rose ready.

Tuesday, March 13, 2018

FUCKBOY MADNESS: Round 1

Welcome to Fuckboy Madness, the bracket that hits way too close to home for your pathetic dating life. This year since Indiana basketball blows, I've turned all of my attention to the absolute worst in dating trends for my dear Millenials. If all holds well we will find the king of the fuckboys by the end of the NCAA tournament.

I know the bracket above is blurry as shit, so have no fear I will be posting all of the seeds below as well as some micro analysis on the first round match ups. If you would like to participate feel free to text me your thoughts and perchance I will take them into consideration while I arbitrarily pick all of the winners. ONTO THE MATCHUPS!

*Note the seeds are totally fucked up on the free bracket generator I used, so don't worry about them.

THE FUCKBOY BEHAVIOR REGION
1. Ghosting vs.
16. "I've been out of town"

Ah, the classic guy that stops responding vs the one that gives some lame excuse when you pressure him for answers. Should be an easy win for the one seed.

8. SEND NUDES vs.
9. I'm sick.

Interestingly enough, "I'm sick," Could be used as an excuse NOT to hang out with you, or to get you to send nudes. This should be an interesting battle, might even go to OT.

5. U up? vs.
12. Netflix and Chill?

In this 5/12 game we have the guy that doesn't want to fuck you until he's good and drunk vs the guy that wants to fuck you without spending a penny. Tough call! Could see an early round upset here.

4. My phone was dead all day vs.
13. I had friends in town

Two classic excuses squaring off early. I guess this comes down to whether you like your fuckboys pretending to ignore you because they are riddled with anxiety or they're still behaving like they are 22.

6. Breadcrumbing vs.
11. Negging

Ah yes, the guy that's totally not into you until maybe he is vs the guy that read that stupid book in college and likes to practice the techniques on lonely women. BONUS POINTS IF SHE JUST GOT DUMPED AND IS SUPER VULNERABLE.

3. Splitting the check vs.
14. Proclaiming to be a feminist

The selection committee must have had a sense of humor on this one because this is exactly the type of rationale a 'male feminist' would use when splitting the check.

7. Benching vs.
10. Zombieing

Which is worse, a guy that keeps you around in case his top hook up falls apart, or a guy that doesn't text you for six months and then hits you up out of the blue like nothing fucking happened. I can feel half of your heart rates starting to race, I'm sorry.

2. Cushioning vs.
15. Love Bombing

Cushioning is of course scouting for future prospects while you feel a relationship falling apart to soften the blow when it comes. Love Bombing is going WAY over the top early in a relationship only to not care and make the woman feel totes insecure. Men are awful LOL.

THE FUCKBOY LIFESTYLE REGION

1. "Entrepreneur" vs.
16. Trust Funds

I'm an 'entrepreneur' usually means I have a 'trust fund.' Tough seeding for trust fund, but understandable because they are dope.

8. The slow fade vs.
9. The University of Southern California

Honestly if you combined the two you may be looking at a Final Four team.

5. Chuck Bass vs.
12. Drake

The biggest fictional fuckboy vs. the biggest real one.

4. Cocaine vs.
13. Entourage

Two powerhouse programs with a storied tradition of fuckboying, Entourage and cocaine both had down seasons, but you can never count either of them out.

6. Fraternities vs.
11. Working in Finance

At an 11 seed, working in Finance could be a Cinderella pick to make a run, but a tough draw going against the entire Greek system in the first round, even if with a whirlwind of controversy in the current political climate frats are weaker than ever.

3. Music Festivals
14. Cuffed Jeans

UPSET SPECIAL!! Cuffed Jeans makes their first appearance in FUCKBOY MADNESS against the rapidly declining 'Music Festivals' who are likely overseeded due to past reputation alone. If you're looking to impress your friends with a major dark horse, ride the cuffed jeans far.

7. Facial Hair vs.
10. Scott Disick

Facial hair is the type of mid-major you have to love, especially drawing a team like Scott Disick who had to run the table in the 'reality star fuckboy' conference tournament even to get in.

2. Murray Hill vs.
15. Pastels

Pastels made a solid run in 2010, almost winning the whole tourney before getting knocked out by MDMA but I don't expect the magic to hold in 2018. Despite the rise of Brooklyn, Murray Hill is still a storied program with lots of Tournament experience, wouldn't be surprised to see them take it all the way.

Did your team get snubbed? Do you have hot takes going into the first weekend? I want to hear from you! Enjoy the games and remember TRUtv is 246 on DirecTV.

Thursday, March 1, 2018

The Ski Trip


One of the worst parts of graduating college was the dissolution of the institution of Spring Break. There are no longer seven dedicated days near the end of spring term dedicated to flying somewhere tropical on your parents' dime and being full fledged black out before noon for a week straight.

Or so we thought...

Scan any millenial's profile and you will see multiple photo albums that make reference to 'adult spring break.' Adult spring break is not a new phenomenon. There are pictures of my parents on European trips with their friends in the early 80's. It just seems that generation wasn't infected with a heavy Peter Pan Syndrome so they simply referred to it as 'vacation.'

An ASB could be a bachelor/bachelorette party, a destination wedding, or even a couple's getaway. The barrier to entry is very low. I've seen people go to Palm Springs for the weekend and deem it 'Adult Spring Break' but this is akin to the poor kid who came back to school after a week off and raved about the fact that his parents took him to a Cincinnati Reds game. (I always felt terrible for the kids who didn't have kick ass stories returning from spring/summer vacation)

Most often though the Adult Spring Break consists of a mixed group of friends renting a large property together and doing some sort of activity, the most popular of which is the ski trip.

The ski trip is ideal because it masquerades as an activity for adults, while simultaneously being a sneaky location to drink copious amounts of alcohol. It also brings into play a white collar sport that is indicative of skill, money and overall radness. By telling someone you ski or board you are telling them you have the resources and skills necessary to do so and also that you have an affinity for physical fitness and the outdoors. It further infomrs them that you probably didn't grow up on the wrong side of the tracks, because lift tickets are expensive yo.

This is why white people love the Winter Olympics.

Alas, while waiting for my flight to Park City, I put up a list of the top 10 activities to do on a ski trip. If you're hitting the slopes this weekend, I suggest you use this as a check list.

10. Shot Ski

A shot ski is a party gimmick where any number of shot glasses are fixed to an old alpine ski. The idea is that all of the shot glasses are filled with a certain type of liquor and your entire group takes a shot all at once. I have never used a shot ski in my real life, but I have always taken one when on a ski trip because it just feels right. Also it makes for an excellent boomerang.

9. Staying up late playing games

One of the coolest parts about a ski trip is that no one has to go home at the end of the night. You are all confined to your cabin which makes every night feel kind of like a church youth group lock-in only with a shit load of booze. There is nothing better than a 2am session of Cards Against Humanity or making up some sort of insane drinking game even though you have been hitting the bottle for 12 hours and know you have to be up in four hours to hit the slopes.

8. Fire pits

A shot ski and staying up late playing games with friends are not things that need to occur in freezing temperatures and neither is sitting around a fire pit. I'm actually embarrassed I don't own one. Has anyone ever had a bad time siting in front of a fire? I mean sure, playing an acoustic guitar and singing Wonderwall with the group sounds super lame when you are of sober mind. But after 10 or 11 beers? It just feels right.

7. The lunch beer

There's one in every group. The guy that says at 10:55am that he's about ready for some lunch. Don't be fooled, it is not a chili bread bowl this person is craving. What they are really saying is that they are ready for their first pitcher of the day. And why not? You're on vacation right? Nay! Adult Spring Break! On not-adult spring break, you were already ripping adderall by this hour. The 11 am pitchers turn into the hourly trip to the beer yurt and by 2pm you are ready for the double blacks or to just quit the whole facade and go to a bar.

6. The gondola shot

Usually but not always following the lunch beer is the gondola shot. You've had either a flask or several shooters burning a hole in your coat all day, and now that you've eased into the day with a hoppy ipa at altitude, it's time to start hammering that flask, hard. There's nothing better than passing that bad boy around the gondola while you marvel at the technology that takes you high above the clouds in a matter of minutes. There is nothing more sad than when that flask is empty.

5. The flight there

Flights home are les mis. Just like the flight/drive home from sb was awful. But the trip there? Exhilarating, full of intrigue and possibility. Will we run into Shaun White on the mountain? Will we meet a bachelorette party out at the bars? Will I break my leg in three places attempting an ill fated halfpipe trick? From the beverage before take off, to flushing all of your unexpired drink tickets on the plane. Sometimes it's all about the journey.

4. The mountain town dive bars

Every major mountain town has that fateful dive that sometimes can get a little too clubby for its own good. Who wants to see a bunch of former sorority girls in North Faces trying to dance to Offset? Actually, I do. And I want to take a free god damn shuttle from my cabin to said dive bar and I want to be carried out when the bar closes disappointingly early at like 1230am.

3. The hot tub

One of my biggest regrets from childhood is not pressuring my parents to get a hot tub. My second biggest regrets is not living in the fraternity when my friends had one in their room. Sure it sounds trashy but in my entire life I have not had a bad time enjoying an adult beverage from the comfort of 103 degree waters. Is it even better when the outside temperature is 22 degrees? Of course it is? And is there anything more thrilling than jumping out of the hot tub, into the pool and then back into the hot tub? No, there isn't.

2. Skiing

It's kind of the whole point of the trip, duh. And I actually really, really enjoy skiing. It's one of the few things in the world in which I am half way decent. I also love the spike of adrenaline I get from knowing I could be one mistake away from dying at any point. (Especially after the lunch beers and the gondola shots) The high of survival at the end of the day always gets me super fired up for...

1. Apres Ski

Was it ever in doubt? Popping the skis off, awkwardly walking to an outdoor bar and setting up shop under a umbrella heater for the next 2-3 hours? Some have foosball, some have bags. They all have live music and there is no better venue for recapping the day than at a long wooden table with your ten closest friends in the world. Hell, it feels like being in the fraternity dining room all over again. I always shed half a tear when someone tells us it's time to leave, but the blow is always softened a bit by our next destination, the hot tub.

Be safe out there young shredders, may powder and adventure await you.