What is your walk up song in life?

This year for the first time, the PGA Tour, the thing your Republican uncle follows religiously, is introducing walk up music to one of its events. The results were…interesting to say the least.

It’s shocking how much your opinion of a player can change by what type of music they like. For example, I kind of though Justin Thomas, last year’s PGA champion, was a twatbucket 48 hours ago. This guy kicks fans out of events, posts pictures of his blacked out friends (see above) and has a general air of snobbery around him.

But then I saw his choice of walk up song. The Circle of Life from the Lion King, a certified banger. Now I can view all of his life choices in a different light.

He posts pictures of his friends blacked out because it’s hilarious. He rocks enormous Polo horses because he’s rich and fuck you. Guy is essentially a certified frat legend. Hell, he probably only has fans kicked out of events because he’s irritated that the PGA Tour won’t let him drink on the course.

Similarly, unknown golfers have become instant legends because of their choice of track.

 

This is Byeong-Hun An. Look at that fucking guy. This dude is 26, is South Korean and his walk-up song is MASTER P MAKE EM SAY UGHHHHHHHHHHH.

 What. A. Legend.

Let’s get another photo of Byeong.

 

OH MY GOD.

Do you think he prefers the angry Silkk the Shocker verse or is he more of a Mystikal guy. Perhaps he will use the winnings from his first PGA Tour win to buy the tank that P drove in the video. This dude is my new favorite golfer.

The entire list is right here. There are some old school bangers and a bunch of vanilla dorks that just picked Drake, but this begs the question right now: What would your walk up song be? Do you go current or classic? Are you serious or is this a bit of a joke.

I’m on record as having my walk up song be “Baby” by Justin Bieber, a timeless choice, but I have recently switched to “Just Can’t Wait to be King” because Disney releases nothing but bangers.

That said, I have recently put together a guide for selecting the perfect walk-up song. As always, you are welcome in advance.

Step 1: Pick a song that is at least five years old.

This ensures that you don’t get caught chasing trends and your choice doesn’t age poorly. All the jamokes that picked a Drake song this week are going to feel really dumb when everyone wakes up in 2023 and realizes that Drake’s entire discography was a prolonged wet fart.

Step 2: Don’t take yourself too seriously.

There is no doubt that ‘Enter Sandman’ by Metallica is a bitchin’ song, and it does make me kinda want to run through a wall, but as a walk up song? You’re trying too hard man. The same hard rock edge can be attained with a more self-aware choice like ‘Sister Christian’ by Night Ranger. It fucks, but it was also in Rock of Ages and seems like a song your dad would put on after one too many 7 and 7s.

Step 3: But also make sure it actually pumps you up

This was the problem I ran into with Baby. It made me laugh at home plate, not make me want to mash a dinger to Culver City. Your walk up music should elevate your heart rate comparably to a baby bump of cocaine. This is why when baseball players walk up to N Sync it’s hilarious but rarely effective.

Step 4: Always consider cross branding opportunities.

Do you like rap? Pick a guy who is alive, because guess what? Tupac can’t rap you a live entrance should things come to that! Conversely, a guy named Shaggy would be more than happy to perform ‘It Wasn’t Me’ mostly because he needs the money.

Step 5: Be somewhat original.

On one hand, you want a song that everyone knows. You will not be awarded bonus points for cranking out some B side of an unreleased Diplomats mix-tape. However, as we learned in the movie Bring It On, no one likes a repeat performance. Pick something that everyone in the crowd will know that absolutely no one else would pick.

Let’s run my choice through the list.

“Just Can’t Wait to be King” – Jonathan Taylor Thomas.

1.       Over five years old? Yes. Lion King came out in 1994.

2.       Don’t take yourself too seriously. Yes. It’s a fucking Disney movie.

3.       Pumps you up? Yes. The song absolutely bangs.

4.       Cross branding? Yes. I could get the whole Broadway cast out there with me or in an ABC promotion, Donald Glover star of the 2019 reboot performs the whole song as Childish Gambino.

5.       Somewhat original? Yes. Justin Thomas went Circle of Life, but different songs from the same artist (soundtrack?) are acceptable. Congrats to me for picking an acceptable walk up song. Let me know what your walk up song is if you want and make sure to check out my podcast Beer a Hole where we spend an hour talking about this bullshit.

LISTEN NOW!

The Los Angeles Flake Index

Welcome friends to the Los Angeles Flake Index aka the LAFI (not to be confused with my friend Lapi) a tool that can be used to decipher the likelihood of your scheduled plans falling apart due to unforeseen circumstances such as work, illness or more likely ‘general disinterest.’

As millennials we have rejected our once social behavior and now it is universally accepted that most of us would rather sit on the couch watching Netflix in pajamas whilst devouring an entire pepperoni pizza than hang out with essentially anyone. There are varying degrees of course, for example a Tinder date is much more likely to be cancelled than dinner with a visiting friend. You’ll bail on someone you’re trying to fuck much quicker than a family member that needs a tour.

Allow me to be your guide through the cesspool that is human interaction in Los Angeles, a never ending web of lies and disappointment.

Category 1: A first date.

Likelihood of cancellation: 80 percent

If you make plans with a stranger on a dating app the likelihood is that these plans will fall through. The reason for this is because when you are texting it up on a Thursday you can smell the weekend. The idea of going to a bar with a member of the opposite sex sounds exciting. The following Monday/Tuesday this seems like much more of a chore. Common excuses would be things like “I have to work late” or “I forgot I’m playing in this charity Softball game.” But what you’re really saying is, it just seems so much easier to go home and masturbate before watching the latest Netflix Documentary (or after if you are aroused by that sort of thing)

Also in this category would be ‘work drinks’ with a member of the opposite sex, because this is just a thinly veiled excuse for a date. Any time I met an assistant that I was even vaguely interested in I would trojan horse her into going out with me under the guise of talking shop. It worked like 12% of the time.

Category 2: Plans with a friend across town

Likelihood of cancellation: 60%

LA is incredibly tribal when it comes to neighborhoods. Sometimes I will make plans with a friend that lives in Santa Monica, a mere mile away from me but when it comes time to make the trek I render it an insurmountable journey and make up an elaborate excuse to free me from the burden. If that person lives east of the 405 or even God forbid east of La Cienega? That trip becomes virtually impossible. This is why good friends that live in Los Angeles can go years without seeing each other. I don’t think I’ve seen my friend Eric since Christmas, but he’ll still probably be in my wedding party! That’s just the way this town rolls. The one redeeming factor about this type of event that keeps the cancellation rate under 100% is that both parties understand the magnitude of this event and will plan well in advance for something bigger than just a standard ‘dinner.’ Think a concert or something similar. Matt and Kim got me to Hollywood last week for the first time in 2018.

Category 3: Plans with a friend in the neighborhood

Likelihood of cancellation: 40%

This is a bit of a double-edged sword because making plans with someone that lives down the street can feel trivial. Sure, it’s convenient. You could potentially just walk and meet them at a local bar, but this also lowers the stakes considerably. If you don’t feel like going, hell, you’ll see them in a few days, maybe even tomorrow. What is most likely in this scenario however is the ever crafty pivot. A last minute change of plans to a more amenable location. Like instead of meeting for dinner, you text your friend that you don’t feel like changing out of your pajamas but you just ordered a 12 pack for Drizzly and 30 dollars of Chinese take-out and there is 5 episodes of The Terror on your DVR. Now that’s a night that anyone can get behind.

Category 4: A visitor from out of town

Likelihood of cancellation: 10-35%

4A: A platonic friend of the opposite sex – 35%

I will often try to accommodate any and all visitors that come to LA for a couple reasons…

Reason 1: People from my past understand how fucking cool I used to be.

Reason 2: I want everyone that visits to return home with positive reviews about me.  However, I am more likely to cancel on a female friend that a male because if they are visiting with a boyfriend or staying with other friends I feel less of an obligation to show them a good time. Also it is much less likely they are sleeping on my couch.

4B: A homie – 20%

I mean they are probably staying on my couch, but if they aren’t and they are in a fancy hotel downtown or something and want me to come out on a Tuesday (I’m looking at you Jake) I just can’t get up for that. A lot of New Yorkers have a really hard time understanding that LA is DEAD Monday-Wednesday. Any time someone asks me what the popping bar is on Tuesday I want to respond THE XANNY BAR that I take at 8pm so I can go to sleep. I apologize for disappointing but LA doesn’t have a strong social culture on school nights.

4C: An old fling – 15%

I don’t want to go to far into Always Sunny territory here, but if an old fling hits you up when she’s in town it is implied that shit is about to go down, with minimal effort too. While going on a date may sound difficult, it is relatively painless to invite your ex-girlfriend over for two bottles of wine and some no strings sex. Still…depending on how hard I raged the weekend before, I might turn down the offer for sole possession of my bed.

4D: A family member – 10%

This is obviously a terrible look, but like it’s your mom…if you REALLY have to get out of it, she’ll probably understand.

Category 5: A girl you are dating 

Likelihood of cancellation: 5%

Of course you WANT to flake on your girlfriend all the time, but she also has a good indicator for your bullshit. If you blow her off once, maybe you can survive it. But once that thing becomes a habit? It’s the beginning of the end. Spin zone: If your girlfriend dumps you for being a flake, you will have substantially more time to disappoint everyone else in your life. God LA is the worst, we should all just learn to say no to plans because we would rather be watching cat videos on Instagram than doing literally anything else.

The Fourish Reasons People Go Out

Thank you all for your kind feedback on my last blog. I really appreciate all the support. My goal was to touch on some of the general angst of aging and the insecurities we all feel. I'm not great at talking about how I feel in person so it's nice for me to be able to put them on paper once in a while.

That said, I've got a question this week...

Why do people go out? A myriad of reasons I'm sure, but I think I've drilled it down to four primary categories. So please accompany me on this social experiment and let's get to the bottom of it.

PRIMARY (STATED) REASONS

Reason 1: Sex
This one is easy. You go out because you think you are going to get laid either in the short term or the long term. The short term play sees you approaching a girl on a crowded dance floor and performing the entire choreographed dance from "Bye, Bye, Bye" thinking that will convince a girl to at least go make out with you in the corner. On the long term side, maybe you will meet someone there and they will ask you out on a proper date! For the purposes of this exercise those are the same.

Reason 2: Rage
Just as sage old Alfred said 'Some men just want to watch the world burn.' Some people are just here to get fucked up. They like to drink because of the great unknown. Tonight could end in a strip club in Tijuana or a hot tub in the Hollywood Hills. Either one would be acceptable really, but the only way to get there is to drink more and always say YES. Call the dealer, cancel tomorrow's plans, we're watching the sun rise tonight.

Reason 3: Stunt
You've got money to burn and you want people to know it. Maybe you like the idea of being in control, it's an ego thing so you pick up every check, buy every bottle so people call you 'daddy.' It might not even be a sex thing, maybe you just want to assert dominance over a certain section of people. Maybe you want to make someone jealous, or maybe you just followed Dan Bilzerian on Insta too long and figured that's the best way to live.

Reason 4: Socialize
This is a bit of a catch all. This is why reasonably well adjusted people go out. They go out because they want to get out of the house, to see friends, check out a new hot spot, maybe dance. They are not necessarily interested in pulling some strange, hitting a high score on a breathalyzer or spending in the four figures, they just wanna go out ya know?

OK this would be a very obvious and short blog if we stopped here, but there are secondary reasons people go out. This is usually more of a nefarious hidden agenda or a reason for hitting the town that informs their primary reason. None of these reasons can stand alone but they can change the direction of the evening...

SECONDARY (HIDDEN) AGENDAS

Agenda A: Spend Nothing
Spending nothing can't be a primary reason for going out because you can spend nothing just sitting at home and drinking rubbing alcohol. However, you can attempt to do all of the primary reasons while also attempting to spend as little as possible.

Agenda B: Revenge
Similar to the stated reason of stunting, the hidden agenda of revenge switches from making yourself look cool to hurting someone's feelings.

Agenda C: Secret Hookup
Similar to sex but this time you don't want anyone to know about it.

Agenda D: The sneaky black-out
Sure, you told your girlfriend that you were going out to catch up with the boys. That was a lie.

NOW LET'S ADD THEM UP

On any given night there are a thousand different things you can do in LA, but what is the ideal night out when we combine some of these stated reasons and hidden agendas for hitting the town.

1a. You're going out to meet chicks but you don't want to spend a dime.
House party, ideally at one of your female friends' house with a ton of her friends that you don't know yet. You have a warm open since you were invited there and it's assumed that you aren't a serial killer. There are full bottles of vodka in the kitchen so anyone with half an ounce of charm and some quick thinking can come up with some terrible drinking game that will end with you making out with some random in the closet.

1b. You're going out to meet chicks but also piss off your ex.
Wherever your ex is. Then you're going to aggressively pursue women right in front of her, buying them drinks, public displays of affection and a very public exit together. That will show her.

1c. You're going out to meet chicks but also hook-up on the down low.
That's too much of a double negative.

1d. You're going out to meet chicks and/or black out.
You can go anywhere, wherever you go there will be women and booze, and hey if you strike out, worst case scenario you pound the bottle until you forget all of your shortcomings as a man and wake up in a puddle of your own urine. Win/win really.

2a. You're here to paint the town red and spend exactly 12 dollars.
Fortunately for you $12 is the exact price of 4 Four Lokos at your local 7/11. You can probably also get a bottle of bottom shelf vodka for approximately the same. Your perfect night is a free concert in at the street fest a few blocks away. You can get blind drunk shouting the words to Sugar Ray's "When It's Over" and still have enough money for a 2 buck chuck night cap.

2b. You're here to rage and ruin someone's day.
The office Christmas party is the most reasonable place to do this. You pound the Merlot at the open bar all night until you are nice and loose enough to say to Margot, the office gossip, 'Oh, you didn't know that me and Janet from Accounting were fucking?' You just walk away smiling knowing that Margot will do the rest. Hopefully Janet's husband doesn't mind.

2c. The Irish Goodbye
Tell me if you recognize this story: One of your pals recommends a random ass bar or party way across town. You guys show up and your friend immediately disappears. The next day he says something like 'oh man, I was so fucked up, I ubered home alone.' That is a lie, he has a mistress that lives in Echo Park.

2d. The raging secret black out
One cannot fundamentally keep their black out a secret if they tell you about it.

3a. The Poor Stuntman
Spending nothing and balling out may seem to be opposing forces but there are other ways to lord over a party such as a wedding with an open bar. The guy with the sickest dance moves, who sets up the limbo, who gets Double Dutch going and inevitably sneaks a bottle from behind the bar straight to the after party is the guy who will wake up with a bridesmaid.

3b. Stunting as revenge?
Stunting in front of anyone that you hate is implied revenge, nothing more needs to be said on this.

3c. The sneaky Stuntman
A rare move, but a strong one. This is the guy that takes you all to Bungalow and buys you bottles as a distraction so he can quietly vanish with a hooker into room 837 of the Fairmont.

3d. The classy black-out
This is the guy that buys 17 bottles of wine at dinner because if you get shitfaced while spending a lot of money it doesn't make you an alcoholic, it makes you wealthy.

4a. The responsible human
This person wants to see their friends but not break the bank. They may just have a couple beers and go home. How about that!

4b. The upper road guy
This guy just wants to get back out there and show his ex that she didn't crush his spirit. This in itself is a form of revenge to show her that you are doing better without her.

4c. Maybe tonight's the night
This guy just wants to see his friends, but also he's madly in love with one of them and you never know...tonight could be the night.

4d. The Yes man
This guy just wanted to see his pals but he knows the type of people that are going to be there, he knows he doesn't have any plans tomorrow. We'll just see what happens right? He's never too disappointed when he ends up rolling in a warehouse in Boyle Heights.

SO THERE YOU GO. Everyone is a liar and they're always angling for something they don't want to say out loud. It's ok, it's just part of being young...ish.