With summer comes nice weather and lots of outdoor day drinking. I'll be ignoring the US Government's travel advisory this weekend and rolling down to a beach castle in Rosarito and yes, it's not a matter of IF I'm bringing illegal pharmaceuticals back with me, it's how many.
Whether you are camping out in J Tree this weekend, tripping acid at Lightning in a Bottle, pounding brews at a lake house or celebrating the one hundredth running of the Indianapolis 500; you are going to have lots of choices for which beverages to double fist. I've spent a few minutes putting together an MDW 2016 day drinking guide. You're welcome in advance.
How many until you lose your ability to stand: 8
You ever struggle with the age old question: Pina Colada or Strawberry Daquiri? It's a tough one. It's one of life's ultimate queries up there with blowjobs or cheese. Fortunately you can just combine a pina colada and a daquiri and have this nectar of the Gods called the Miami Vice. Honestly, on my Senior Spring Break, about 50 frat guys drank this exclusively for 8 days and we all had the time of our lives. Well until we went to the bull fight and watched the matador rip out a bull's heart. That shit was sad, don't go to bull fights.
Best for: Mexico, Vegas, The beach, A pool
How many until you start texting you ex-girlfriend: 5
Mojitos are fucking dope. I don't know why I don't drink more of them. Possibly because mint leaves aren't in the liquor section? Anyway, if you're on a big ass boat this weekend or possibly just at a lake house, fire up a few of these. You'll feel classy as fuck. Also when you get to use the muddler? It is so fucking satisfying. It's almost like the feeling of catching a fish, cleaning it and grilling it. Only mojitos get you drunker than fish. A lot drunker. These bastards are sneaky.
Best for: Yachts, lake houses
-Bottle of Jameson
How many pulls until you hulk hogan your bro tank: 7
You may think that day drinking skews more clear liquor and this is true for cocktails, but never underestimate the power of pure whiskey. A fair amount of you will be at some sort of campground or music festival (or both!) this weekend. In these circumstances space is of the utmost importance, a well placed fifth of Jamo can fit in even the smallest of bags. You may think that going to the desert is for mind altering substances, but ripping through a bottle while you challenge your shadow to a dance off is always a good idea.
Best for: Camping
How many brain freezes until you go streaking on the field: 10
I know you are going to think I'm trolling you, but I dare you to find a more refreshing beverage for a day out at the Ballpark. Many of you are going to hit a game this weekend and your choices at Dodger Stadium will be an $11 Miller Lite or a $14 Frozen Lime-a-rita (WITH COMMEMORATIVE CUP) Buy two...pop your shirt off in center field. Fuck it throw in some chewing tobacco too, you're on vacation.
Best for: Sporting Event
How many knees do you take before telling your buddy's girlfriend your true feelings: 9
I don't know who let this trend die. It's likely positively corollated with the mainstream media's vilification of bros. Listen here. If you rented a house with some friends in Palm Springs this weekend and there are people that are off put by you hiding a Smirnoff Ice under the grill and then forcing them to chug it...you throw them in the pool and introduce them to the drowned god. Icing is still hilarious and if you are at some rad mansion this weekend that you rented with friends, you should bring at least 40.
Best for: Palm Springs, a house rental weekend
How many bongs before you challenge someone to a beer joust? 10
The original King of Beers. The beer that was so bold that it decided to change its name to 'America' for the summer. Drinking a Budweiser says that you love your country and also don't give a fuck about calorie count. If you are planning on drinking in a large field this weekend, might I suggest bringing with you a couple 30s of Budweiser cans. Ripe for shotgunning, no broken glass to worry about and also excellent vessels for beer showers. Throw on a pair of 2 dollar sunglasses, a retro Michael Jordan jersey and some SPF 100. Slap a microbrew out of a hipsters hands and remind him that Memorial Day is about more than beardwax and acid washed skinny jeans.
Best for: Indy 500
-Wild Turkey 101
How many shots before you fall into the grill? 4.
Some of you may not be leaving town this weekend, opting instead for some 'low key barbecues' in your buddy's backyard. But while the invite may say R-Z bring a desert, no one will fault you for showing up with a liter of the turkey. There may be children at this pot-luck/pitch-in, but you know what makes children more tolerable? Booze. A fuck ton! Every Thanksgiving I don't give my little cousins the time of day until I'm about 5 Four Lokos in. But after that? Oh, it's a Frozen dance party. So bring a little high proof bourbon into the mix, it will make Bill's wife's potato salad more palatable.
Best for: Backyard BBQs
How many tall boys before you are just straight up dead? 2.
Look, maybe no one invited you anywhere this weekend. Maybe you're too broke to travel. I get it man, I've been there. Hell, I'm there now. I should probably pass on Mexico and get my finances in order. (Spoiler Alert: I won't) But just because everyone has a better snap story than you this weekend, doesn't mean you have to miss out on some fun. Do you have $5? Great, then you can walk your ass to a 7/11 pick up two Watermelon Four Loko XXLs and drink them until you pass out on your front patio. And look on the bright side, when you have a party for one, no one will try to turn off your My Chemical Romance playlist.
Best for: Homeless people, alcoholics
Have fun and stay safe this weekend. Hit me with your most lewd snaps at Broeller and I'll be sure to repay the favor. Cheers!