Friday, January 29, 2016


I don't think I ever wanted anything more than to be 21. I had pictured this day vividly since I was a little boy. I planned this thing out like a little girl fantasizing about her future wedding. I would wear the perfect fratty outfit to Kilroy's, my friends would match. One of the girls would make me a scrapbook style shot book…or maybe they would decorate a paddle. I would cherish it the rest of my life.

Turning 21 would fix everything. I had been in an abusive relationships with the Bloomington bars before I came of age. I had to depend on my rich friends to score invites through the coveted 'side door.' I would wait outside of that thing for hours like a groupie hoping to be invited backstage. Every fake ID that failed me hurt deeply, like a romantic relationship gone awry.

"It's ok," I would tell myself, "Some day I'll actually belong. I'll stop showing IDs that say Chris from Virginia or Mike from Texas. I'll show an ID that says my name, and it will be good enough."

As we got further into Junior year EVERYONE around me turned 21. Sure I would get invited to the parties, but you know it was never me. Always a bridesmaid. I started to wonder if there was something wrong with me. WIll I ever turn 21? I started to lose touch with all my old friends, "Hey you guys wanna go drink at the frat?" 

"Sorry man,  we're just too busy now. Being 21 and stuff."

As January 29th grew near it became apparent that I wouldn't have the Kilroy's birthday I had dreamed of. I was going to have a DESTINATION 21st birthday. I was studying abroad spring semester and my flight was January 28th. Sure I was a little bummed that since this was a destination birthday not everyone would be able to make it…but still BIRTHDAY IN ITALY.

January 27th I drove up to Bloomfield Hills, Michigan. I was flying out of Detroit with my buddies Chase and Hunter. We celebrated our last night in America by going to the Detroit Auto Show and then getting drunk at a Buffalo Wild Wings.

The next day we got to the Detroit airport and spilled out of a large SUV. When we unloaded our bags from the trunk I accidentally knocked over a large box of shotgun shell casings (Hunter was a world champion skeet shooter) This got me a side eye from a few police officers, but apparently this is normal enough behavior in Michigan that no further action was taken. We get to the gate about three hours early. Chase and Hunter immediately begin smashing gin and tonics. I wanted one so bad, but I was still about 12 hours from turning 21. I didn't dare show a fake ID at an airport for fear of blowing my entire abroad experience. 

Five minutes before we get on the plane Chase opens up a small pill bottle. "Hey, my mom gave me these Ambien for us to take. She said to take one, but we're guys and she only weighs like 70 pounds. I think we can all take three."

We take all the pills and board our Lufthansa flight bound for Florence. 15 minutes into the flight we find out that there are unlimited drinks. We take full advantage. I don't even think we had reached our cruising altitude when Chase and Hunter were on their 10th drink of the afternoon. I was pretty far behind, but intent on catching up. It was never to be though because about half way through my second drink I looked over at Hunter and knew something was wrong.

He was a hue of green that can't be found in nature. He looked ill but also unaware that he was in trouble.

"Uh, Hunter, do you need to use the bathroom?"

"Yes. Yes I do. Right now."

Then nothing.

"Well go…"

"Uh, ya ok."

Hunter struggles with his seatbelt a bit and then walks calmly to the section of the plane where the bathrooms are. He tries each of the four doors. They are all occupied. With no further recourse, Hunter proceeds to drench the entire bathroom foyer with 10 gin and tonics worth of vomit. He then calmly returns to his seat, looks at me and gives a thumbs up.

He passes out immediately, I think he woke up in Italy.

Moments later, a male flight attendant comes back to our row. Chase is trying to figure out the headphone controls.

"Excuse me sir."


"Your friend puked all over the hallway."


The flight attendant stares incredulously.

"He got sick EVERYWHERE. The smell is abhorrent."

"Well I suggest you do your job and clean it up!"

With that Chase closed his eyes and proceeded to take an 8 hour nap.

Before the flight attendant could finger me as a co-conspirator I immediately faked unconsciousness. No more drinks were ordered the remainder of the flight.

By the time we actually get to Italy, it's the 29th. We are checked into a 5 star hotel in downtown Florence. There is a mixer with all of the people in our program. I'm reunited with my other 9 roommates (7 from my frat) that I'll be living with for the next 6 months. We are drinking scotch and calling dibs on various smoke shows from east coast universities. It's great.

Somewhere along the line I venture out to go buy myself some champagne. I also realize on this excursion that there are no open container laws in Italy. So I treat myself to a couple bottles of champagne as I wait for my friends to shower up post dinner. 

By the time we are all dressed and ready to go I am in really bad shape. As we walked up to the night club YAB (You are Beautiful…LOL) I was shaky on my feet to say the least. But I was ready for this moment. Everything in my life had been leading up to this.

I proudly walk up to the front of the line and show the guy my passport.

"What are you doing?"

"It's my birthday!"

"Oh, ok…well you don't have to show me."

"Don't you need to see I'm old enough?"

"This is Europe man…"

I stumble and barely catch myself.

"Are you ok buddy?"

My friend Steve steps up showing the guy that I'm with 10 friends and they'll keep an eye out for me.

The bouncer steps aside and I take my first step into a bar as a legal adult. Only the step is down a flight of stairs and I slip and fall down 50 stairs coming to a stop on the bottom bleeding all over my sport coat.

I vaguely remember Steve carrying me home and throwing me in bed. I then remember being woken up at 5 in the morning to hear that we had been kicked out of the hotel because one of us had called the front desk girl a cunt.

Italy was not off to a great start, my 21st birthday had come and gone, there was no shot book. No picture of me and my bros in matching green polos. No epic story about the girl from Marist College that I slated on the first night. Nothing. My big day had come and gone without so much as a blip on the radar. It didn't go the way I planned.

But then…

Over the next 6 months I went to 20 countries, I interned in Chicago, I discovered Austin. I had an unbelievable senior year, I got arrested for peeing on a cop! And yes, I finally walked into Kilroy's with my real ID. It started off a 2 year run in my life that will never be repeated. I made so many good friends, I did so much cool shit. It's almost surreal that it all actually happened.

It's now 8 years later. That fateful day in Florence is a foggy memory. I'm now 6000 miles away in Los Angeles and I promise none of this has gone the way I planned it…

But it's been an adventure.

Some of the most exciting parts of life lie in the great unknown. I have know idea what I'll be doing eight years from now, but I want to thank all of the people that have been a part of my story to date.

Who knows, the best could be yet to come.

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Marry Fuck Kill

And then there were 11…

All it took was a fairly lame Vegas trip to get there. I mean we had four dates and the most dramatic thing was a fairly sensitive twin killing? He got her mother's blessing before doing it, it was almost adorable? It was like the interaction an owner has with his FIV positive cat before putting it down.

It was a boring episode. Haley can now resume her career in prostitution. Rachel can go find a job. Amber can go marry an ugly Russian man and Olivia…Jesus someone needs to kill Olivia with fire.

How tf did they go to Vegas and NOT let the girls get wildly drunk at a Calvin Harris show. They could have at least done some Cirque De Solei shit. BUT NO. We got a fucking helicopter ride, a neon museum and a god damn talent show.

Was anyone else extremely uncomfortable during the talent show? You couldn't think what you would do, right? BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO TALENT. I could just see the look of horror in their eyes. I can take two cocks in my ass, does that count? No, no it doesn't. I had the same thought. I could bang a line much better than Maty Mauk. I can probably shotgun 5 beers in a row. Unfortunately, I do not know if these are ABC approved talents. I probably would have ended up freestyle rapping. There is nothing worse than a white person freestyle rapping.

Regardless, I wouldn't have thrown a fake panic attack at the end. I really expected more from Olivia. The panic attack is SO over at this point. Fake a stroke or a seizure, you have to keep upping the ante.

I thought a fun way to frame this week would be to play a little MFK with the remaining contestants. I'll be honest, it's going to be bloody.


Olivia- OH GOD KILL IT! I really hope when this is all over we find out that Olivia was just playing the heel to further her #brand. But she is such a conniving cunt I find myself screaming at the TV whenever she is on. She needs to be killed off next season or I may stop watching the show, I just can't even. I can see the agony on Ben's face every time he gives her a rose and know that there is a producer in his ear saying 'THIS IS WHAT YOU WANTED BEN. YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO SELL SOFTWARE AGAIN. YOU SOLD YOUR SOUL TO ME!"

Jubilee- I just wrote some really mean quasi-race baity things about Jubilee. Then I took a long walk, cooled down and realized it wasn't worth the potential fall out. Good for me. I will say this though, anyone that says they like Jubilee 'because she's so real' probably loves to say Christian McAffrey has a high motor. There are going to be so many hot take think pieces about why Jubilee should be the next Bachelorette. The truth is ABC should totally cast her as The Bachelorette because it would be good for business, just like casting Dr. Dre as Jack Bauer will be fortuitous for Fox. White people don't watch network TV anymore. My employment is proof of this.

Caila- Everyone loves Caila. I do not. Caila reminds me of a chick my buddy fucked at Coachella. She was fun for one night when we were all rolling on molly, but then she didn't leave in the morning. In fact we ended up having to drop this girl off in Palm Desert on the way back to LA. We got there only to discover that she was locked out of the house. She looked at us like she wanted us to invite her back to LA. This is not the OC pilot we do not take inland empire trash home with us. So we left. Anyway, she was Asian too. I'm ready for this yellow fever phase to pass.


Becca- Becca, I love you but I'm starting to think it just isn't meant to be. Over two seasons I have given her every benefit of the doubt, but I'm starting to think she may just be a bit dull. I love last night (btw officiating weddings is the worst date in the history of the bachelor) when Ben was like 'well I know you don't…but I fuck. How do you feel about it?' That said Becca is still SO hot and I would love to have my Twitter bio be 'I deflowered Becca.'

Emily- If there was any doubt Emily and Haley are strippers it was cleared up last night when we found out they grew up in a Vegas track house with a single mom. It also looked like maybe they still lived there? No wonder these two are 'trying to get married.' This was a scene straight out of The Goldfinch. That said, things I have not done: Fuck a twin. Things I would like to do: Fuck a twin.

Amanda- One of my buddies has a heroic father that retired at age 50. He has spent the last 15 years sitting in the basement drinking Miller Lites and watching White Sox games. In college he visited us a few times and gave me sage advice that I will never forget. Never date a woman with baggage and always marry up. Amanda is a strong 0 for 2. But I am kinda into that blonde ombre thing she's got going. Plus it would be nice to know if children actually ruin a vagina.

Jennifer- Is Jennifer a sneaky contender for Bachelorette? She's pretty mellow. When Olivia interrupted her date with Ben she just kinda rolled her eyes "whatever, over it." She hasn't had a ton of screen time but she seems pretty likable when she is on camera. I feel like if anyone would have hatched a plan to sneak out to Wet Republic while Ben was on his date with Jojo, Jennifer would have been in.

Lauren H- The Lauren H bit with the puppet was pretty good! She showed some personality and was kinda funny! Definitely runner-up on the group date. Here's the deal, Lauren H is going to be the first girl to get a solo and not a rose next week. They ruined it in the trailer. Ben is going to say something about how he sees their relationship as one of 'friendship.' It's a shame Ben will never get the chance to titty fuck those CANNONS.


Leah- There is an old saying that 'time heels all wounds.' This is why I am adept at sleeping with my ex-girlfriends and why I have now moved Leah into marriage territory. Sure, she hasn't really done anything memorable since her ill-fated football hike in the premiere episode, but she also hasn't embarrassed herself. Leah is just hanging around being hot. Meanwhile IRL she is all over Instagram just loving the Broncos. I like girls that like sports. Leah seems like a homie. I feel like I could come home on a Friday night after a hellish night at work and she would take one look at me and say "is it a Fireball night?" I would just nod excitedly as she grabbed my favorite script and chopped me a line. This is all I really want in life.

Lauren B- Lauren B is Shailene Woodley and I am Miles Teller. Lauren B is a good natured person with a heart of gold and I am a degenerate, but for some reason it just works…at least in the romantic comedy version. Something about her look makes me want to clean up my ways and travel the world with her. But instead of using her frequent flier miles to go to Yacht Week and bong vodka until I'm vomiting out of my nose; I want to go do a romantic getaway to Tuscany or something. I want to lay in bed all day. IN THEORY it works, but it's only a matter of time before I fuck it all up.

Jojo- I mean she's a total babe, actually has her own career hopes and dreams…and she shares the name of my first dog. It was always going to be Jojo. Somehow she gets the weakest dates but always crushes it when she's with Ben. Jojo is the somewhat attainable girl next door and I think I'm falling in love with her. I'm still not a huge fan of her unicorn head entrance, but after I saw the UnREAL pilot last night, I'm willing to assume that was the work of a diabolical producer. If Lauren B or Leah take the win, Jojo is your 2016 Bachelorette and by the way, I just submitted my paperwork to appear as well. Do your worst Shiri Appleby, try to take me down and I'll pull a Kylo Ren.

Thursday, January 21, 2016

Are you Ready to Move to LA?

It's Wednesday around 5 o clock. This used to be the time of day you started throwing out a few feelers to see if anyone wanted to hit up Kincade's for dollar beers and karaoke. I know it hasn't really been a thing for a few years now. People left Lincoln Park, it's a ghost town. Your friends bought condos in West Loop. There are a few people in Wicker Park still, a couple in Lake View. It's a balmy 25 degrees out though and you've had a hell of a week. Maybe one night for old times sake?

The texts come in...

-Can't, looking at wedding dresses with Jennifer.

-Soul Cycle.

-Saving for a down payment on a house.

-This is the only night a week I can jerk off.

-Just don't want to.

That's when it hits you. Maybe it's over for you here. You've been working a sales job for the past 5 years selling glorified coupons/freight/software and you finally made it to middle management. But when you weren't paying attention, people settled down. People moved to Austin, they moved to Denver. A Saturday night came and went and you didn't get a single text message inviting you to get into some sort of debauchery. Whereas your snap chats used to be full of cocaine and tits, now it's a toddler adorably tumbling to the ground. Ew.

You look outside and see snow. But not even pretty snow. It's 12 degrees and you are surrounded by dirty slush and black ice. You die a little every day when you crawl to your local L stop and ruin another pair of boats, you haven't seen the sun in a fortnight.

Maybe on a whim you booked a trip to New York City to see some old friends. 'Damn, they're still crushing it,' you tell yourself. But fuck, it's so cold. And the people that moved to Brooklyn never hang out anymore. They think they're too good for Brother Jimmy's. Where can I go and it will just be like it was…

Nowhere. You can't run away from your age. Well you can, you can just hang out with younger kids, but at age 30 even that gets a little sus. But you do have one option, you can always go west.

At this point grad school seems unlikely. It's too late for Denver. Your deadbeat friends moved there and somehow they turned it around and are now 300% more successful than you. You're too late for Austin too. 2014 was really the year to get in to the booming start up scene (no state taxes) rents have caught up with the growth. But what about LA? Can you handle a city full of two faced back stabbers and gluten free kale? Fortunately for you, I made a handy little guide to let you know if it's time to take the plunge.

Started from the bottom…
If you come to LA you have to be on board with starting over. Unlike the midwest where there are lots of made up industries to accommodate fuck up frat guys, you won't find TQL logistics or Aerotek staffing here. (Eh, you might) There are probably some hip start-ups that do that shit, but if you can't get a dope job in LA you will likely be an assistant (making $700 a week) or do something in the service industry. It's not embarrassing to be a bartender here. Lots of people work at Juice bars or restaurants or hotels and no one gives you side eye. Everyone in Los Angeles is working toward something. Actor/Writer/Director/House Flipper/Singer/DJ/Club Owner so a lot of people work shitty jobs along the way.

It is common for people to have roommates here well into their 30's and no one you know will be married. Of course you don't HAVE to do entertainment. There are people that work at Red Bull or the Honest Company or Tom's. There are a fuck ton of ad agencies, digital marketing firms and start ups in Santa Monica and Venice. Just don't expect those jobs to fall off a tree. You'll have to smoke organic weed with someone in a Whole Foods parking lot first. Until then, answer phones at NBC, it's a solid starting point. LA is expensive but not New York or SF expensive. You should be able to find a room in a cool neighborhood for around $900 a month.

It's lonely but…
Before you move here, you should know it can be a lonely town, but there is so much shit to do. Go on a hike, go see a movie, go ride your bike 50 miles. Everyone here is active as fuck and looks pretty good too. You can probably get away with carrying 20 extra pounds under a baggy hoodie in the midwest, but you will stick out here. Also no one smokes, smoking hurts your mile time man. It's so fucking nice out here. Cigarettes are a product of misery, I know because I used to be miserable and I smoked a lot. You're much more likely to tag a joint and go surfing in LA. Be comfortable in your own skin. There is nothing weird about doing things by yourself, people are busy you know?

I've been in between jobs a lot in LA. Such is the nature of working on a seasonal television show. I try not to spent a lot of money during those periods but I still manage to do some really cool stuff. Bike to Malibu and fall asleep on the beach reading a book? Free. Hollywood sign hike? Free. Also most of our museums are free at least one day a week. You'll probably need a car here depending on what industry you work in and car insurance, parking tickets, street cleaning is a pain in the cock in LA. Budget in at least a thousand dollars in fines your first year here, but you'll get the hang of it.

Pick your neighborhood wisely…
There is no public transportation in LA. Well there is but no. Where you live defines you. I know you think you will be the one to go east of Lincoln on the weekend to visit Hollywood. You won't. Maybe once a quarter. One of my top 10 friends in the world lives in Hollywood a mere 12 miles from me, I see him once every 3 months. Are you a medical device sales bro? Live in Hermosa. (Note: You cannot live in the south bay if you are a male under six feet tall. It's the beach volleyball capital of the world, you will be dwarfed) Are you SUPER INDUSTRY? West Hollywood. Do you like hanging by the beach, doing some unspecified creative thing? Venice. Do you want to have kids and send them to public schools? Valley.

I may be biased, but just move to the west side. If you can't afford Venice, live in east Santa Monica. If you can't live in east Santa Monica, slum it in Mar Vista for a while. Whatever you do, do not fall victim to the fallacy of 'but the house is cool.' No one gives a shit how cool your house is. If it's in an undesirable area no one will ever visit you. It's much better to live in a shoe box in a good neighborhood. If you're doing LA right, you won't be home that often.

Your old life is over…
You might make it back east once a year. If you are in a relationship, you have to end it. You will probably only make it to weddings that you're in. You can drive to some bachelor parties in Vegas though. More one on one time with the groom I say! Social media will help you keep in touch with old friends but it's tough. The way I cope with it is an aggressive open door policy. I am always begging people to come visit. It's awesome here, come see me in February when you haven't seen colors in 4 months. We'll take chicks to the beach at 3 o clock in the morning and have sex with them. I do this frequently, it's great!

But you should also know, that this will stunt a lot of things. Are you looking to get hitched? Do you want kids within five years? LA is a bad choice. This is a morally indifferent chess pool full of a bunch of opinionated idiots that will give you their hot take on responsibly raised chicken at a dinner party. Learn to bite your tongue, or don't. I'm horribly offensive whenever anyone takes me out. I got my neighbor and I kicked out of a Ice Skating rink and then stole someone's shoes recently. Can't take me anywhere.

Palm Springs is the new lake house…
The only thing LA doesn't have is lake houses. We have a town full of golf courses and gay men instead. I know it sounds shitty but it's pretty dope.

You won't know anyone at first…
Except for me and a handful of other Facebook friends you lost touch with years ago. But it's fine. There's a dirty little secret about LA that we don't tell everyone. No one is actually from here. We're all transplants. You'll find some Craigslist roommates and maybe one night you'll go to trivia with these guys and meet one of their other friends. That guy will invite you to fill in for his softball team. Then some Saturday you'll hit me up and ask if I want to go watch an IU game. I'll take you, you'll meet people there, someone will ask you if you're going on the upcoming bar crawl, you'll say yes. You have to say yes for 6 months before things will work out for you in LA.

Eventually you'll be in an alumni Facebook group where jobs are posted, you'll start hanging out with one of your coworkers and all of his friends from Texas Tech. You'll take a UCB class and meet some industry friends, one of them will get famous, he'll get you into clubs from time to time. Eventually you'll get an invite to Coachella. You'll go and do acid with some new people. Once you do acid with someone you're like totally besties. One of your new acid buddies will hook you off with a better job that you're wildly unqualified for because drug bros.

Check your politics at the door…
People here believe that you should be able to self identify as a gender fluid Caesar Salad if you want to. They say things like 'Mercury is in retrograde.' Or 'You have the energy of a Taurus.' I don't know what any of this shit means, but if a girl says these types of things, she usually gives a great blow job, so just roll with it. You're going to have to also stop calling things gay or retarded. That's a big no no around here.

It's pretty chill around here…
New York has a certain hustle to it. Some people like a 'city that never sleeps' mentality. I personally don't like bumping into Pakistani food venders and a constant drone of inexplicable noise. Bars are not open until 6 in the morning here and most people under 30 are broke. Everyone has a shitty script and will claim to be a producer and the professional hustle is real. But on the weekends, you can sleep until noon, hit a spin class, go for a hike and then wait until 5 to start drinking. Every day here is perfect so there is no looming threat of snow around the corner to force you into seizing the day at every possible moment.

The world is yours…
If you feel stuck, give it a go. Do you want to be sitting there in 20 years and wonder what would have happened if you went for it? If you come here and hate it, I promise you, your shitty midwest city will take you back. Why not trade in the video game controller for a triathlon bike for a couple years. At the very least you will be skinnier when you move back and your fat college friends will find you desirable. You can reinvent yourself out here, maybe you have a lucrative career as a prop master that you never saw coming. Maybe you can get a job at Snap Chat curating the local Venice story. How many tits do you think you would get to look at every day!

I've lived in LA for a while now and I watch people leave all the time, but no one looks at me and says, I wish I wouldn't have given it a shot. If you're reading this, it's not too late. There is still time for you to move out here and start dating someone 10 years your Junior. Trade in the suit for a pair of flip flops and join me. I promise, we'll have a blast. Two hours in any direction lays a wildly different adventure. So I guess the question is, are you up for it?

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Bachelor Report: How to Keep a Guy for 10 days

It was a suicide mission, a spectacular kamikaze crash followed by a viking funeral for poor Lace. She realized that her patented move of getting black out drunk and sloppily tripping all over Ben was not going to work a third straight week. No producer would intervene to save her pathetic soul. The jig was up.

So without a modicum of grace, young Lace put a metaphorical gun to her head and pulled the trigger.

"I need to work on me for a while," she told Ben as she announced her departure. It was almost too ironic when she appeared on the after party with Paget Brewster and Paul F Tompkins.

"Do you think you would do it again?'

'No, probably not.'

What a crock of shit. She is already booked to appear on Bachelor in Paradise in like 3 weeks.

'What do you think your biggest mistake was?'

'Getting too drunk.'

Or maybe she didn't get drunk enough? Lace was undoubtedly the star of episodes 1 and 2. Last night she was largely innocuous until the final segment when it appeared that she would make one more drunken push. Perhaps Ben is like a death row warden who will not put a prisoner to death that is under the influence.

Perhaps it was a mercy killing, but one thing is certain, we will never know. This week's framing device is what Aaron Rodgers Hail Mary can save each of the remaining 14 contestants if they realize they are up against it. Of course it's never a situation you want to be in, but it will happen to each lady at least once this season, so here is some free advice…

Amanda - Amanda already played the 'kids' card. I think that buys her exactly two weeks. Ben is a politician. Of course he doesn't want a woman with a ruined vagina and a van full of baggage but if he cuts her last week he's a monster. Had he cut her this week everyone would have been keen on his OH YOU WAITED ONE WEEK WE SEE THROUGH YOU BEN. But wait 2 weeks? All good. So what can Amanda do next week to save her stretched out skin? My ex beat me. Will it set the feminist SJW agenda back 5 years? Sorry gals, the Rolling Stone article already did this. I'm sure it's not a TOTAL lie, I'm sure her baby daddy yelled at her once, THAT IS ABUSE. Anyway, battered woman story buys her 2 weeks minimum.

Amber - At 30, Amber is about to age out of this whole process. She's clearly the least attractive of the remaining contestants AND she had her spotlight episode this week. Amber's best hope should be a quiet dismissal next week and one last stand on BiP followed by a career doing promotions in the Chicago club scene. She could do recon for Taffer when Bar Rescue hits Chicago. Amber will eventually marry a rich white guy, probably Russian. BUT, if she wants to stick around one more week  she needs to play the race card. Remember all Indiana people are afraid of being accused of racism, one comment about her light skin ought to do it "In school the white kids AND the black kids called me mud blood because I was mixed race." Tears and a rose follow.

Becca - Look who has quietly moved on to round 4 with nearly zero screen time since episode 1! Becca gets a one on one date next week and there is no way that Becca is the first solo date to NOT get a rose. But let's be real, Becca isn't going to win. I'm thinking she gets cut right around the hometowns, but here is an absolutely diabolical way for her to go one more week. Becca hasn't really played the virgin card this season because everyone already knows. But what if in the last six months Becca was deflowered. What if it was after a night of heavy drinking? What if it was MAAAAYBE rape? Becca doesn't even have to insinuate that she was totally one hundred percent raped, just plant the seed of doubt that verbal consent may not have been explicitly given. I am going to hell.

Caila - Did anyone get a stage 5 clinger vibe from Caila last night? It was physically hurting her that she wasn't going on those one on one dates with Ben. It made me uncomfortable. I still think Caila goes super far but there will come a time when she is against the wall and desperate times call for drastic measures. I think Caila can avoid going home by seducing Ben. If she gets him super drunk and seduces him, preferably in his childhood bedroom? He doesn't stand a chance. No one forgets their first Asian, especially if it's a spectacular blowjob in a room full of Little League participation trophies.

Emily and Haley - It's so obvious/inevitable that there is going to be a Emily/Haley showdown via the infamous two on one date aka loser goes home. I think I favor Emily, she was dope in goal last night and almost won the game for team stars (love you Kelly O'Hara.) Neither are going to win outright, but I see an unprecedented scenario in which they both survive the two on one: twincest threesome. Every guy has had this fantasy and Ben would straight up execute Chris Harrison before denying himself this indulgence.

Jennifer- Roommate Sarah surmises that Jennifer has fake tits. This is an interesting wrinkle in an otherwise uninteresting contestant. Barring a one on one Jennifer is badly in need of a storyline. I've got one for you, it's an ugly duckling story. Jennifer wasn't pretty and therefore she wasn't happy. She's one of those weird girls that had her dad get her a boob job for high school graduation. Anyway, she tells Ben this story and he's all like 'oh that's interesting' but then she says, have you ever felt fake boobs before? He shakes his head. She pulls her top down and ben goes to town on those puppies. This buys her at least a week.

Jojo- I asked my friend Meg for help on this article and asked what she would do in this situation. This is what she provided.

Clearly girls think about this kind of thing. Anyway, I don't think Jojo needs any of these because she is def going to the final 3. I don't think 'my second cousin just died' is as effective that deep into the game, but if she IS about to get iced? She had a cousin Joe, that died a day before shooting. THAT IS WHY SHE GOES BY JOJO, it's a way to honor him. The fact that her name is Joelle is just a coincidence.

Jubilee - Ugh, Jubilee became my least favorite character last night. She got all weird and "I'm adopted wahhhhh." I've got a friend who is adopted and he skull fucks the world every morning. He is crushing it harder than anyone I know. Also did you read between the lines "in my past I was….it was bad." SHE WAS TOTALLY A STRIPPER. Maybe a hooker! Anyway, ABC is going to push for Jubilee to be the next Bachelorette because Empire and Blackish are hits on network television. Will white girls watch Jubilee's season of The Bachelorette?  I don't know. But here is something I do know, if Jubilee opens up about her stripper past she will get one final courtesy rose. (Ed note- I once was involved with a girl and she told me about her stripper past. We were at my favorite bar when she told me. I didn't even finish my beer before leaving.)

Lauren B- Last night Lauren B received the first solo date. They went on a ride in a biplane which was cool. Then they inexplicably got in a hot tub in the middle of an empty field, it was weird. Before they hopped in the tub there was a moment when Ben says 'uh there is a tree over there and you can uh change into your swim suit.' For a split second I thought she was just going to undress right in front of him. It would have been SO fucking sexy. I would have probably needed to recuse myself from the family room to go jerk off. BUT SHE DIDN'T! What a missed opportunity. Anyway, Lauren B seems like a cool chick, I hope she comes out of this ok. However if she does find herself on the hot seat, I think a friendly reminder that she could fly all over the world FOR FREE would be enough to keep her around for one more week. People from Indiana want nothing more than to get out. That's why he moved to Denver (people that move to Denver or Austin are just running away) free international would be mighty tempting.

Lauren H- Man I dunno, Lauren H seems to be kinda lingering around despite no screen time. Kinda reminds me of my homie Sammi Steffen last year. Maybe Lauren H is just getting a shitty edit or maybe she's super boring. She just doesn't seem like the type to feign mental illness or cancer. She is hot though and she is a teacher. She does seem to be a little freaky. She could be the one that fucks him first. It would be pretty cold to diss the girl you fucked right away. Or maybe she could give him a full eye contact blow job. I had this happen to me once and I was drunk with power. More girls should hold eye contact during fellatio.

Olivia- God I hate her. Knowing she has Morton's foot makes her even worse. "My friends just died." OH I CAN TOTALLY RELATE I HAVE UGLY TOES. Fuck off Olivia. Here's the deal. When I was younger I think I told my mom that if she didn't unground me and let me go to a party, I would kill myself. This is preposterous. I was not going to kill myself. My mom knew I wasn't going to kill myself. In fact, I think she called my bluff. What if I would have been in a weird mood and just taken the bit too far to be ironic? This is a real precarious situation for a upper middle class white parent because
A) If you let your kid go to the party, they will walk all over you for the rest of your life.
B) If you drive your kid straight to a mental hospital, your kid will hate you and your neighbors will think you're weird.
C) If your kid DOES kill him or herself you will lose all your friends. No one wants to get drinks with the bereaved parents, sorry, that's just life homie.

Olivia would totally kill herself or she might kill Ben. If she threatens it, she will get a rose, but then I pray to God Ben goes to the producers and asks for some sort of intervention.

Rachel- LOL Rachel went DOWN in that soccer game. If I were her fantasy owner I would have immediately been thinking torn ACL, straight to the IR. But it looks like it was only a minor tweak, perhaps a minor MCL strain? We'll call her day to day. Anyway, unemployed Rachel probably doesn't have health insurance, you think ABC covers that shit? What Rachel did do though was tease a solid strategy for someone on the way out. Fake a major injury. No way is Ben immediately ditching the girl that drunkenly fell down the stairs and broke her collar bone. What is more likely is that girl would fight through the Rose Ceremony like a hobbled Ben Roethlisberger, get one rose and then the next week announce that she was opting for season ending surgery. Better luck next season on BiP Rachel!

So there you have it! Once again, this is probably bad advice, but what do I know? I'm just a 28 year old single straight male writing 2000 words on a dumb reality show instead of looking for a better job! See ya next week basic bitches.

Friday, January 15, 2016

Surviving Sober January

It sounded like a good idea at the time right? Sober January, everyone is doing it. All you need to do is stop drinking for 30 days and you'll come out the other side with six pack abs and disposable income. You'll feel so good you'll want to fight a fucking shark.

Ya, I was duped too.

The only thing that sober January has taught me is that I exclusively pull chicks via drinking. Legit, if I ever do this again I need to have some sort of side piece on blow job retainer. But I will not ever be doing this again, the agony I experience when opening snaps of my friends doing blow without me is far more harmful than a standard weekend of debauchery.

But if you've made it this far, you may as well finish out. What's that Winston Churchill quote that used to pop up when I would get killed in Call of Duty? "If you're going through hell, keep going…" Something like that, anyway, here are a few things that may make your alcohol abstinence tolerable for the next few weeks.

Plan something dope
If you're a true savage like myself, your weekend bar tabs ordinarily reach $300+. When you take that out of the equation, you suddenly have a lump sum of cash burning a hole in your pocket. Sure you could use some of it to reimburse your dad for paying your car insurance for all these years OR you could book a sick ass trip to Europe. As of this writing you can get a roundtrip ticket to Europe from most major American cities for under $500 if you travel some time in April. 

A Saturday night in is a lot easier to swallow when you are down a rabbit hole learning about all of the acid you'll be dropping in the free town of Christiania.

Go to the gym you bum
Using a conservative estimate, I imagine I drink about 40 drinks a week. The internet tells me that an average alcoholic beverage contains 150 calories. That equates to roughly 6,000 calories a week. That's almost half of the total calories one is supposed to ingest in a week. Thank God for being a tall male. But for real, cutting those 6000 calories out so long as they aren't replaced by a gallon of ice cream every night should lead to weight loss.

Now imagine on top of that if you worked out, just a little. You would be a fucking stud…at least compared to all of your college girlfriends that got fat. Seriously, have you looked at anyone's recent wedding photos? Everyone looks like hell. At this point in your life if you just maintain you'll be crushing it. Just do sets of 5.

Write your shitty pilot
Anyone who has ever been up past 3am doing cocaine knows a guy with an idea. "Bro it's like Workaholics but it's set at SalesForce." Or what about "Always Sunny set in Lincoln Park."

I get it man, your brotastic life is worth writing about. But no one will ever know unless you put that shit to paper son. Also it sounds so much better when you have an interesting answer to "what did you do this weekend." 'I worked on my pilot' sounds so much better than 'I jerked off 11 times.' If you need script writing software you can get a demo of Final Draft or Celtx, which is always free.

Treat yourself
I've got a buddy who goes to the strip club every Friday at 5 because strippers tell you how fucking money you are when they're giving out OTPHJs. That's some real Wolf of Wall Street shit that I'm not necessarily into, but I do love going for a massage. I like to imagine that I am their king and they are serving me, this is probably because I have a Messiah complex like Kanye West.

Massages are dope and they make you feel great for the entire week. Also if you go after 10pm there is a 50/50 chance she'll finish you off for an extra $40.

Learn something moron
There is a lot of shit I wish I knew how to do, but my work schedule dictates that I only have time to do cool stuff on the weekends. Typically from the minute I walk out of the office until about 2am Monday morning, I am drinking. But this proposal presupposes that maybe I don't? That leaves so much time for activities. Get your fucking pilot's license. Remember in Pearl Harbor when Josh Hartnett takes Kate Beckinsale flying? There is NO WAY he wasn't fucking her after that.

Take improv classes and land your own Anna Kendrick. Get your scuba cert. Get licensed to officiate a wedding. I bet the wedding officiant ALWAYS get laid. Learn a language. You're already getting laid on your Eurotrip but if you speak the native tongue you might pull off a threesome.

That's it. That is everything I have for you. January is only 15 more days and then you can shotgun all the Four Lokos you want. I just want you to know that a sober month can be more than Netflix and sleeping until noon. Until then my friends, enjoy your St. Pauli Girl NA while watching football.

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Geography Lessons With Becca

When I moved to California from Indiana people looked at me a little strange. "Oh, Indiana, you guys have the horse race?" No we have the car race. "That's right! The Daytona 500, right?"

Close enough.

Despite the fact that my home town lays claim to one of the most dominant football teams of the last 20 years, a strong NBA franchise and Indiana University; a lot of people don't really know where Indiana is. They have a general idea of where it is and what it's about in the same way that I have a general idea of where Hungary is.

The truth of the matter is that people in California do not know US Geography. When we were learning states and capitals in 3rd grade, I'm convinced they were learning about different strains of Kale. I'm used to this behavior. My friends out here thought Indiana was  'somewhere on the east coast, by New York.' When I studied abroad half of my colleagues (we studied through Marist College) were convinced Indiana was in the south 'by Memphis.'

So apparently no one knows their geography…at least not people from the coasts. Do you know why? Because the middle doesn't matter. The only places that matter are New York and LA, oh and "I've heard Chicago is cute to visit during the summer."

This is the coastal bias. This is why Becca thought Indiana was actually just vertical Pennsylvania. God Becca, you're such an idiot, such a beautiful, gorgeous, idiot.

And that moment of brilliance was just in the evening's first segment, onto episode two of the Bachelor Report, let's get catty…


"Whatever you think is supposed to happen, I'm telling you, the exact reverse opposite of that is going to happen." - Jesse Pinkman

Here are 5 things that blew my mind last night.

1. The white girl with double D's beat the black girl in the 100 meter hurdles.

2. After having several full blown mental breakdowns, Lace's strategy of sabotaging the show proves successful as she is given a rose.

3. Tiny adorable little LB gets a rose and then just decides to quit?!

4. A woman tells a guy she has TWO kids and he doesn't run for the hills.

5. Kevin Hart and Ice Cube appear! Haha just kidding those two idiots will shill anything, RIDE ALONG TWO IN THEATERS THIS FRIDAY!

The first date last night was a trip to Agoura Hills High School. It featured an ejaculation simulator, a scene re-enactment from Deuce Bigalow and a good old fashioned free throw contest because INDIANA.

Also, my favorite potential runner of the entire season is that "Ben is good at basketball." This seems like one of those contrived story lines that people will likely let go without questioning, because Ben is 6'4" and played in high school…plus he knows Cody Zeller! Ben may have been a serviceable player on a 2A high school team, but know this, you could have played for Warsaw High. Your autistic nephew could play for Warsaw High. Enough takes and clever editing could make me look like Steph fucking Curry. Until I see Ben play LIVE I will assume he's just a little Justin Bieber, all hype until he goes 1 for 12 in the celebrity All-Star game (still wins MVP.)

I should add, the 'ejaculation simulator' was actually the girls building erupting volcanos and the Deuce Bigalow thing was girls bobbing for apples (in white tank tops!) in a fish tank. I have a call into the producers because I'm totally trying to build an orgasming volcano this weekend.

Mandi won all these stupid 'back to school' contests and got to be 'the homecoming queen.' It didn't matter, Mandi's face is whack, it was clear that when she didn't snatch the group date rose she was toast. Ben instead decided to take Jojo to the top of the JW downtown and practice his slow play make-out routine in which he tests the waters with a peck and then goes for the FULL SNOG. I like this move, I may test it out this weekend.


Man it is tough to believe that Ice Cube was once feared. Two things immediately stud out to me during his appearance with Kevin Hart on last night's episode. One, Ice Cube is short as fuck. He's not Kevin Hart short, but he's probably about 5'9". I don't care if someone that short has a gun, I still wouldn't fear them. I imagine part of the reason NWA was so popular in the 90's was because people couldn't google their height.

*Does Google Search*

Ice Cube - 5'8"
Easy-E - 5'3"
MC Ren - 5'8"
DJ Yella - 5'9"

More like midgets with attitude.

Dr. Dre, at 6'1" is tall enough to ride, you can come.

Also Kevin Hart being on the Bachelor gave white people something to talk to their black coworker about today.

"Hey did you watch the Bachelor last night? Kevin Hart was on, he's SO funny."

Subtext: I'm not racist because I enjoy a super watered down black comedian.

Kevin Hart is great.

I think I would be extremely good on a reality show with two exceptions. I would never in a million years make it past the 2nd challenge in Fear Factor. You want me to jump off a 10,000 foot building? Sure, see ya. You want me to lay down in a bed of cockroaches…NOOOOOOOOOPE!

The other exception was last night's love science bullshit in which Ben smelled everyone. Now look, I don't have much to complain about in this world. I'm a tall, skinny, white, American male. The fact that I need Viagara after two beers and that I have somewhat unfortunate smelling feet are really just part of my charm I suppose. That said, I felt for Sam. Until last night, she was just going to be Sam the attorney that was on The Bachelor. Now she's Smelly Sam…Sour Sam. Pick your alliteration. Sam had no 'scientific' attraction with Ben. The cooky doctor straight up called her the fuck out while also pointing out that Olivia's 8 out of 10 was a near record setting score.

After the visit to the love lab we saw a classic Bachelor taboo, Amanda started telling Ben about her girls which he was (surprisingly?) stoked about. He then practiced his patented peck and song (it's the new dump and chase…bump and run) before TOTALLY ICING HER on the group date rose, opting to give it to Olivia.

Does Olivia scare anyone else? God, look at that mouth.

I think with all of my casting connections in Los Angeles that if I put one hundred percent of my effort behind it, I could get on a season of The Bachelorette. If I could make it to episode 2, I would maybe even get an invite to Bachelor in Paradise (where how attractive you are really takes a back seat to how hard you can party) It's possible I could even parlay a reality career out of it until I was dead from a heroin overdose at 32. Should I try it?

One thing is for certain, I'm not pretty enough or interesting enough to get past round 1 on merit, so here is a ranking of the schemes that I think could keep me around.

1. Form an incredibly strong Bromance in episode 1 that keeps me around. Maybe I pal up with someone named Evan and people will call us 'Devan' and there will be think pieces entitled 'There is a beautiful relationship happening on this season of The Bachelorette and it's not the one you think…'

2. Be the drunk party guy. Producers love the drunk party guy even if he has shitty teeth. Drunk party guy would make it to week 2.

3. Dead sister. If I got out of the limo and told Bachelorette Jojo that I'm only doing the show because my sister told me on her death bed that she wanted me to find love, I'm advancing.

4. Kids. Who doesn't love a single dad!? We live in Venice and teach surfing to blind kids pro bono, WHAT A FEEL GOOD STORY.

5. Be the funny guy. Being the funny guy is tough, because it's REALLY easy to eliminate the not funny guy who thinks he's funny guy.

I thin my best bet is to become best friends with some dude named Evan and go on The Bachelorette with him. When I eventually get voted off after episode 4 there will be a tearful goodbye with Bachelorette Jojo but the real goodbye will be me and Evan. It will be a real Pearl Harbor moment between Ben Affleck and Josh Hartnett.


"No Rafe…you are." *Danny dies in Rafe's arms. Everyone cries*

Ok quick takeaways from the rose ceremony.

-LB fucked me. I picked her as my winner last week and she just quit. WTF LB? I still think that the silent girls are dangerous. Watch out for Rachel and Jojo, they won't get a lot of screen time early but in The Bachelor only one rule applies…survive and advance.

-I'm legit having panic attacks when Lace is on screen. The train wreck has ceased to be entertaining, now I am just praying for a mercy killing.

-Ben still has three blackish? girls left, I guarantee this is an overreaction to being from Indiana. I operate under the assumption that people think all Hoosiers are racist so I often times go out of my way to prove how UNracist I am. It's the same principal as a Jew that spends a ton of money. Actually now that I think about it, I act racist all the time, in fact I just made some sort of nested jab at Jewish people. I'm the worst.

-It takes all of my restraint not to get on Reality Steve right now. I JUST HAVE TO KNOW. I made it through maybe 2 eps of Making a Murderer before I said FUCK THIS and went straight to the wiki. This is the ADD generation we live in.

Next week it looks like we're getting a twin showdown. Hey Ben, I'll gladly take your garbage! This was actively my move throughout high school when I was a total Beta male. Hang out with hot dudes and receive a begrudging hand job from the girl they didn't pick. It was awesome. Can't wait until next week betches!

Monday, January 11, 2016

If I had a billion dollars

I'm one third of the way through sober January and it's really a shame. I feel as if I'm doing a disservice to the women of Los Angeles by spending these few weeks as a hermit because I think that I am physically peaking. Yesterday after shaving my chest and getting a hair cut I realized that if any one of my ex girlfriends, nay, any girl I had even shared a spark of sexual tension with were to see me, it would be over. I would snap my fingers and any boyfriend they may have had would become a distant memory.

Maybe my sobriety is a gift to the men out there who date women with adulterous ambitions. You're welcome guys. Better lock that chick down by February 1st.

I'm kidding, this is just one of the fairy tales I tell myself during sober January, something that always seems like such a good idea on January 1st when I'm in the throws of alcohol poisoning and a horrible ecstasy come down. But by Saturday the 9th? I was ready for a beer. Yesterday at a beef jerky tasting? I could have gone for some wine. And for fuck's sake you KNOW I am going to want some rose when I'm getting catty tonight during 'The Bachelor.' But typically when I commit to something, I at least make an effort to follow through.

It's annoying because I kinda want to ask a girl on a date, but I can't go on a date and NOT drink. That would be like going to Vegas and NOT doing coke or jerking off and deciding not to finish, going to 7/11 and NOT getting a Cherry slurpee. So instead I sit on my couch brooding, spending money on future fun, getting really fired up about things like massages and pedicures. Just this past week I applied for Global Entry, booked a trip to Denmark and bought new ski equipment. Why? Because January will end and my kick-ass life will resume, only I'll be even skinnier with better skin. The women of LA do not stand a chance February 1st.

But also, like all of you other peasants, I've spent a lot of time fantasizing about what I would do with a billion dollars should I win the Powerball. It has consumed me, it's really all I think about day and night. When someone pisses me off at the office I conjure scenarios in which I give all of my coworkers a million dollars BUT NOT THAT CUNT. When I'm stuck in traffic, I remember that helicopters won't have to wait at red lights. I believe that Wednesday's Powerball drawing after tax will net out just half a billion dollars. Here is what I will do if I win…

7, 17, 27, 60, 63 PB 9.

I didn't pick those numbers, they were assigned to me at a Ralph's kiosk. I went in there to buy a new razor and a stick of beef jerky. I always buy a new razor instead of a pack of blades, the reason is I never value having a shaved face at $50, even though I know in the long run it's a better value, I would prefer just to buy a brand new Schick Quattro for $9.

I get home and my numbers hit. I'm rich. Conventional wisdom says to go to Vegas and immediately liquidate all of your assets on hookers and cocaine.

I WILL NOT DO THAT. NO DRUGS. DRUGS CAN KILL YOU. When you have a billion dollars your number one goal should be not dying. (When your net worth is $1,000 it's a little less important to stay alive)

I will drive to the Venice Beach police station and request protection.

I will donate $5 million dollars to this police station and an additional $5 million dollars to the neighborhood if you protect me until the CA lottery has acknowledged my win and started payment on the checks.

I also think $5 million dollars should be enough to clear up any pending legal issues I may have. For one percent of my winnings I have bought off my local police for life. Fair deal.

Ok I get my paycheck, I'm a hero in the community. Now I have to deal with all the people asking for handouts. If you are a Facebook friend, you get $10,000. FLAT. That's it. You are never allowed to ask me for anything ever again. I have 1,556 Facebook friends. That means a payout of about 16 million. Worth it to never hear from Jacob from elementary school ever again.

My dad will be given 100 million dollars of my money to manage professionally. He will then retire and exclusively put my money in low risk t bills and bonds. I'll buy he and my mother a house in Newport Beach so they are close, not too close. I will buy a 5 million dollar house and move there with myself, my current roommates and my brother. He will be my personal assistant.

ALL THAT SHIT leaves me with roughly $350 million dollars.

This is where we start turning up.

Columbus Bluejackets are valued at roughly $175 million dollars. I'll offer $250 million, that's roughly 42% above market value. Why would I do this? Because owning a sports franchise automatically makes you a giant swinging dick. The Bluejackets are shit and I don't know anything about hockey, I will hire my friend Eric Kozik to run the organization for me. He will command a salary of 3 million dollars per year. I may take a loss on the team for a few years but hockey is trending up and I'll eventually operate with a healthy profit margin.

Next is my film production company. For $10 million I think I can start a boutique firm in Venice called AWOL films. It will focus on coming of age movies about Millenials budgeted between $250,000 and $1,000,000. We will have an office on Pacific, it will have about 4 employees. I will hover board to work. 

How much money would I have left at this point? Not much. I imagine whatever little I have left I would focus on travel and living expenses. Assuming my father could get me a 10% return on the hundred mil I gave him, I would be able to easily live on the interest and eventually start a foundation that focuses on providing pro bono legal defenses to fraternities that get in trouble.


Pay off Venice police for protection 10mil
Facebook friends get money, never allowed to as for anything ever again. 15 mil
Give 100 mil to my dad to invest. 100 mil
Buy house on Marina Peninsula. 5 mil
Buy house for parents in Newport. 5 mil
Buy Columbus Bluejackets. 250 mil
Start AWOL Films, procure office space on Pacific (maybe where Broken Road used to be next to Seed) 15 mil
Eventually start a charity that bails out fraternities in trouble. My homies can all work there and receive inflated salaries. it will be great. ~1 mil

That leaves roughly $100 mil for Bluejackets payroll, the AWOL films staff  and my travel/living expenses.

I think somehow the math actually works. Let's hope I win!

Thursday, January 7, 2016

It Won't End Well

They will all end up addicted to drugs. All of them.

Once upon a time, The Bachelor may have been a bunch of chicks 'looking for love.' It is no longer about finding a mate, most of them don't even fake it anymore. It's about marketing a #brand and parlaying it into a lucrative reality star career. Nine girls from Chris' season made it to Bachelor in Paradise last year. That means of the 20 remaining women, roughly half stand a good chance at a second opportunity for fame this summer.

Beyond that, any woman that makes it past a couple episodes this season will have small endorsement deals on Instagram. 'OMG LUVIN my LYFE TEA this A.M. #risengrind" This may sicken you, but it will happen…for a while at least. Because of this promise, a bunch of drunken whores will go head to head in the thunderdome competing for screen time and a somewhat relevant D-list celebrity that will carry a shelf life of 18 months.

But then it will be gone. Then the offers will dry up, the appearances on Bachelor after-shows will wane. Rich guys in Vegas won't even recognize them anymore. REALITY STAR ---> paid bar appearances ---> bottle rat, such is the life cycle of a twenty something woman on the Bachelor.

I once shot a pilot with a former playboy bunny. I saw her making this weird video with her feet and I asked her about it. "It's a fetish video. No one pays to see me naked anymore, I'm too old. But I can still make a couple hundred dollars a minute doing foot stuff." She was 24.

It's going to get bad.

Really bad.

All 20 of the remaining contestants on Ben Higgins' season of The Bachelor will be addicted to a drug within the year. Maybe they'll pick up a meth addiction when they visit Indiana for the hometown date. Maybe someone will pick up a Xanax habit trying to block out Lace's incessant whining. All I can do my friends is project...

Amanda- Amanda is an esthetician, which is essentially a vagina waxer. There is a vagina waxer that lives above me and she is constantly cranky. It's probably because she has to stare at unkempt vaginas and assholes all day long. This would probably make me unpleasant as well. In addition to dealing with your disgusting bush, Amanda also has TWO kids at age 25. If she doesn't kill herself within a year, I will be surprised. But if she does survive, it will be due to in large part to her choking down 80 mg of Lexipro every day.

Amber- Amber is a homie. She has already done The Bachelor and Bachelor in Paradise, so this is already her third cycle. She is a bartender from Chicago that loves to travel and hates paying bills. It appears that she gives zero fucks about growing up and is happy to spend her early adulthood dancing through life until she eventually marries up. She's essentially me. There is no way this chick doesn't already have a HEALTHY cocaine habit. In fact, I didn't see her much in episode 1. Check out for the special edition DVD for the bathroom key bump outtakes.

Becca- I love Becca. I wanted her to win last season and I want her to win this season. Becca also gives me a bit of a serial killer vibe. She lives alone in San Diego, has never dated a guy and has never seen a dick. This disturbs me. Maybe Becca is extremely naive and a bit of a late bloomer or maybe she's a loose cannon just waiting to snap. Whatever the case may be, I would not be surprised at all to see Zyprexa in her near future.

Cailia- Omg Caila is a software engineer too! Just like Ben! Isn't that crazy? No, it's not. Shitty sales jobs account for about 90% of first jobs out of college. Cailia seems like one of those chicks that you would meet on an airplane and become irrationally excited when she found out your astrological sign. She will point out that Mercury is in retrograde and that's why you got a flat tire on the way to the airport. Caila is going far this season and I don't know how I feel about it. One thing is for sure though, she smokes…a lot. Someone will have a story this time next year, 'I hit a vape pen with Caila at Burning Man.'

Emily- Name: Emily. Job: Twin. Legit, everyone else (well not everyone) at least has a job listed. Emily and her sister are just twins. They are also twins desperately trying to get reality famous. Emily and her sister are bottle girls in Vegas. They tried out for the Dallas Cowboys cheerleader squad. They tried to be Laker Girls. No way Emily and her sister haven't taken the same dick at the same time before. I bet they think it's hot. I bet they got paid. Sure they do cocaine but what she really likes to do when she closes out all her checks at XS is about 5 dabs of molly out of a plastic bag right before Skrillex plays his closer.

Haley- Name: Haley. Job: Emily's sister. Same as above, but I'd like to focus on her greatest achievement to date, 'semi-finalist on Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders' I was almost selected for Real World Haley and now I'm a shitty assistant typing on a personal blog about how you undoubtedly go into the desert on weekends and roll DMT.

Jackie- I don't remember a fucking thing about Jackie. It says she is a gerentologist. That is someone who studies old people. The craziest thing she has ever done? Paragliding in the Alps. Eh, I went to the Alps, a lot of people went paragliding, it wasn't that crazy. Jackie WANTS you to think that she's fun and adventurous, but I secretly think that she is just kind of a snoozefest that wakes up every morning, runs 5 miles and then pops about 40 mg of Adderall so she won't have to eat again the rest of the day.

Jami- Jami looks like a slightly blacker version of Amber. She is also a bartender and she happens to be this season's token Canadian. Jami's opening line to Ben was "I know your ex-girlfriend." Interesting choice Jami. Might want to keep that in your back pocket! Then when you're in bed and you bite his nipple just before climax he will think that was all you, not some hot tip you picked up from Kaitlyn. THAT IS A CONTESTANT THAT KNOWS HOW TO ADVANCE. Anyway Jami is going to put that green card to work when this is all over, spending a lot of time in J tree tripping sack on shrooms.

Jennifer- Jennifer lists the person she would most like to meet as Eric Decker, her favorite movie as Something Borrowed and her dream crime is to tan nude on a beach. I asked my feminist coworker to pick her favorite candidate purely on looks and occupation and she picked Jennifer because she is a 'small business owner.' Finding out that she was the most basic bitch in the house was SUCH sweet satisfaction for me. Anyway you know what basic bitches do? They take a fuck ton of benzos before bed so they can sleep. Careful Jennifer, don't go full Brittany Murphy on us.

Jojo - THERE IS NO FUCKING WAY JOJO DOESN'T LOVE ACID!!! She came out of the limo in a unicorn head, she flips houses and also thinks it is extremely impressive that she can make quesadillas and fold her tongue in half. This chick has third place and the next Bachelorette written ALL over her. She says she loves T Swift too. OMG, it's going to happen. She is going to be the next Bachelorette and join Taylor's #squad.

Jubilee - I'm about to make some extremely hasty generalizations really quick that will border on racism. Jubilee joined the Army at 18 and did 5 years of active duty. Is it safe to assume a hot chick from Florida that goes armed forces straight out of high school is poor? No, it's not just because she's black. Any chick that joins the army at 18 is poor. If they are trying to save the world they go to West Point. Well guess what, Jubilee is going to go 7 weeks and then get cut. Then she will be getting paid thousands of dollars in cash to go promote shit at horrible Hollywood clubs. You know what is going to happen next? PCP.

Lace- Jesus. Fucking. Christ. My complaint with the movie Trainwreck was that Amy Schumer was not enough of a train wreck. She had sex with like 2 guys and smoked pot at a funeral. That's a Tuesday for most of the people I know. Now Lace? Lace blacked out, got a rose and THEN threw a tantrum. That is next level sociopath right there. I got what I wanted but not HOW I WANTED IT! I just watched this horrifying documentary called Cape Cod: Heroin. It is about attractive rich white kids that get addicted to and die from heroin. Season 2 will star Lace.

LB- I like LB. She is a sorority girl, has a dumb sorority girl job (fashion buyer LOL) and she loves the movie The Parent Trap. (I'm assuming she is talking Lindsay Lohan version) I wish LB had better tits, but hey, skinny, big tits, pretty face: pick two, right? Oh God, I'm horrible. Moving on. I think LB will go the furthest of any Lauren. Nicknames are a good sign. In fact LB is my projected winner. But the relationship won't last. Ben is too timid and LB will get swept up in the LA lifestyle a little too much. She will have an Oxy guy. She'll be on celebrity rehab by 2017.

Lauren B- The flight attendant! My dream girl! What I would do for a lifetime supply of companion passes. Lauren B is gorgeous, but I bet the drain of dealing with people all day gets to her sometimes. One time my friend puked in the aisle of a plane on a transatlantic flight. The flight attendant came to tell me this and I kind of stared blankly at her, unsure how to react. Then I saw the realization on her face that I didn't give a fuck and was going to go back to sleep while she cleaned it up. Being a flight attendant is a messy job and when Lauren gets back to her one bedroom apartment in Marina Del Rey she is going straight into a K-Hole.

Lauren H- Lauren H is a perfectly fine girl. She's a kindergarten teacher. I don't project her going very far, in fact she might be gone next week. Having not made much of an impression, she will slouch back to Michigan and watch the rest of the show thinking about what could have been? "Should I have shown Ben my awesome tits?" Maybe it would have made a difference, maybe not. The invites to Bachelor in Paradise will come and go, maybe hers got lost in the male? She'll call her agent, the agent will be 'busy.' Lauren will start taking long baths every night that are accompanied by 2, 3, 7 glasses of wine. Noisy kindergarteners can be annoying with a headache. That my friends, is a recipe for a Vicodin addiction.

Leah- Oh Leah. Leah, you're hot and you're cool, but you just activated my 'The Office' panic button and I will never look at you the same. Anyone that ever watched 'The Office' knows it could often times be a painfully awkward show full of characters embarrassing themselves. I cannot handle this type of entertainment. It sends me running from a room covering my eyes and plugging my ears. When Leah bent over and hiked that football to Ben I thought I was going to die from embarrassment. My roommate thought I was having a stroke. It was SO SO horrible. Leah looks like an otherwise strong contestant, but she will never live down this one small terrible choice. It will give her PTSD I imagine and she will live out the rest of her days on a powerful cocktail of Zoloft and Paxil.

Mandi- On paper Mandi is perfect, seriously look at her profile She is a hard drinking dentist from Portland who loves EDM and has not a care in the world. She has probably done every aforementioned drug on this list. And maybe it's because I used to date a dentist and she gave me oral exams in bed, but I didn't think that thing was THAT weird. But the fucking rose hat was just unacceptable. Every time they showed her on camera I was unable to avert my eyes, it was like watching two cars collide head on. Mandi is going to be treated to an early exit where she can feel free to rave on into the sunset, using GHB…on herself. Because that's the shit you do when molly and led don't pack enough of a punch.

Olivia- Olivia is the new Britt. She will be the leader in the clubhouse until about 2/3 the way through the season. Then all the girls will turn on her, there will be one big blow up and she will be gone. Then Olivia will be selected as the next Bachelorette PSYCH they'll chose someone else in the first episode. It will be devastating. Olivia will do one season of Bachelor in Paradise and it won't go well, then she'll drag her ass sad and penniless back to Austin with her newfound meth addiction. Yay Olivia!

Rachel- Ah! Rachel the unemployed degenerate! A girl after my own heart! While every other person at least pretends to have had a career in a former life, Rachel rolls in on her hover board not giving a fuuuuuuuck. If you could be an animal, what would you be? A COOKIE MONSTER! My god, book this chick on Bachelor in Paradise for the next 10 seasons. Anyway, Rachel will go to the final 2 with LB (yes a guy that is CLEARLY into blondes will decide between two brunettes for the final rose) and she will lose. She will not care that much, because she will be up to her neck in shitty instagram endorsement deals…oh and Speed. Lots and lots of speed.

Samantha- Sam, quit now. You still have a chance at a normal life. When you told Ben that you found out in the limousine ride over that you had passed the bar (this was obviously a lie) I was genuinely happy for you. You have not embarrassed yourself yet. You could be quietly dismissed this week, wish him well and just have a fun story 10 years from now. But you won't. You'll stick around long enough to embarrass yourself. You'll go on BiP and physically assault someone or some shit. You will be disbarred. You will start running with a bad crowd and then eventually you will get hooked on lean aka  sizzurp aka codeine and promethazine….just another case of a small town lawyer that flew too close to the sun.

Shushanna- She speaks English right? That's the big episode 3 reveal? 'Welcome to Bachelor after party live I'm Chris Harrison, let's talk about tonight't big bomb shell, SHE SPEAKS ENGLISH? All that and some washed up contestants from former seasons, NEXT!" Shushanna won't be much use once that plot line has run its course. She'll then be deported to Moscow where she can listen to all the Russian Deep House that she wants…and take a fuck ton of Quaaludes (which you can still acquire with ease in Russia. True story, I had a buddy once ask me if I wanted to go to St. Petersburg. I asked why, his response was one word. 'Ludes.)

So there you have it, good luck my little Bachelor babies. I'm actually pulling for each and every one of you to have a fairytale ending on a small shitty Indiana lake with Ben in Warsaw, Indiana. (Side note to all of the people saying 'holy shit Ben's parents are RICH!!! The going rate for a lake house in Northern Indiana is probably about $85,000) I can't wait to watch this season, join me on this bitchy journey and let's watch as the tears of 20something narcissists flood the world.

Monday, January 4, 2016

Eat. Ski. Rave. Repeat.

The best part of my shitty job is unquestionably the fact that at age 28 I get a Christmas Break. I haven't been to the office in 17 days. No one has sent me an email. I didn't read any scripts on the plane. I turned my brain off and lived a life of leisure for 2.5 weeks. It was awesome.

The state of affairs at home is not great. A short person would get lost in my bedroom, I'm fairly certain every article of clothing I have ever owned is spilling out of an unpacked suitcase somewhere in there. I don't even think there is an illegal immigrant that would be able to bring my apartment up to quasi livable conditions. Instead I'll sit in filth and wait until this weekend where the absence of alcohol will open a giant hole in my life that can be filled with…cleaning. Ugh. This was a terrible idea.

Let's go back to a time when things were simpler…2015.

We're driving through Bishop, CA when I see the sign 'Tire chains required past this point when this light flashes.' The light is flashing. I take a sip of my Mammoth Golden Trout Pilsner and turn my attention to my iPhone, looking for a new Doug Loves Movies episode to get us through the Inyo National Forest.

"Uh, guys the light was flashing."

I turn around to face the person in the backseat and make re-assuring eye contact with her.

"We got new tires yesterday, did you see the fine print?"

"Road signs shouldn't have fine print."

"SUV with snow tires OK."

"So you got snow tires?"

"I'm pretty sure all new tires are rated at SNOW."

This is of course bullshit. I know nothing about snow tire law or its various loopholes. I do know that we are only 100 miles away from our cabin, two hot tubs, two ski resorts, a brewery, a fireplace and a week full of sin. I'm pretty sure we'll make it and certainly don't want to pull over. White out conditions be damned.

"We definitely won't get pulled over."

"I wasn't worried about getting pulled over…"

And so began the 2nd annual trip back to Snowglobe, an adorable little music festival that takes place on the football field of a community college in Lake Tahoe. It essentially posits that everyone knows music festivals take place in the hot sun during summer. What this festival presupposes is maybe they don't?*** EDM artists from the little known 'fuckbuttons' to headliners such as 'Jack U' play at all hours of the day to a bunch of affluenza-stricken white kids on drugs. Coachella in the cold.**

*I know I riff on that quote too much but it's my favorite movie so fuck off.
**This is also how TV shows are pitched. "It's like HOUSE but he's a cop!"

I'm not saying it would have saved me if I didn't drink the first night, but it definitely didn't help. Our 'a couple beers before bed' quickly turned to Fireball shots until 3 in the morning. The first gondola ride at Heavenly consisted of me cursing the brightness of the sun and also it's insufferable reflection off of the snow.

I shouldn't complain, there had been a 36 inch blizzard Christmas day and eight inches overnight. The ski conditions were near perfect and the overwhelming amount of powder meant that when I slipped and fell all over the Nevada side of the mountain, I emerged relatively unscathed.

This was a ski trip, sure. But by 3pm all I could think about how much molly and whisky I could consume before Galantis and Skrillex took the stage. I was a veteran of course and with $140 lift tickets every day on the slopes, I knew one surefire way to keep costs down on the trip and that was to pre gam…hard.

The classic slopes to snow globe pre game would typically look something like this.

330p: Apres ski, 2 beers.
400: Hot tub, 2 beers
430: Shower, 1 beer
447: shotgun a beer on patio
448: 50/50 dark and stormy
451: Initiate drinking game - Fuck the dealer
508: shotgun a beer on patio
509: shot of Fireball
510: Initiate new drinking game - Kings
530: shotgun a beer on patio
600: Fill the flasks
605: Prep the molly, initial dips
615: Call the shuttle, prep the roadies (4 per)
630: Load shuttle, drink said roadies (3)
645: Unload shuttle at Lake Tahoe Community College with walking beer
652: Get shaken down by undercover cop. Shamefully pour out 1/3 of walking beer.
700: Walk through security with 5 flasks hidden among my 7 layers like it's NOTHING.
701: Rave.

I'll be honest with you, I do not remember much of night 1. But the fun is in the journey right? I know I came out of a blackout in a hot tub circa 1 in the morning. I know that a security guard yelled at me and chased me away and according to my snap story, Skrillex played 'Cinema' I feel comfortable calling the night a win.

I woke up day two with that uncomfortable energy that scares me a little. It usually means only one thing: delayed hangover pending. There is one obvious way to defeat this, retox before it can hit. Fortunately for me, we had a bag of mini bar bottles for the slopes.


Let's meet the participants, shall we?
1 Jack Daniels Tennessee Honey
1 Bird Dog Cinnamon Whiskey
2 Svedka Orange flavored vodka
2 Firefly Sweet Tea Vodka
2 Rumplemintz
1 Sailor Jerry Spiced Rum
1 151 rum

Standard snake draft rules apply, first overall pick goes to the person that brought said mini bottles.

Drafter: With the first selection of the draft I select Bird Dog!

Me: What the fuck, you're taking knock off Fireball with the first pic?

D: Ya, it's a cool name.

Me: I hope it's awful.

D: You're just jealous because you wanted it.

Me: Fine, fuck you. Since I came up with the draft I'm selecting next, I want the Jack.

Drafter 3: Wait we're just seizing power now? There's no democratic way to decide who is next?

Me: (in Bane voice) Take control of your city Gotham…

D3: Fine, fuck you I planned the entire trip, I'll take a sweet tea and a Svedka.

Me: That's not how a snake draft works.

D3: I took control.


D5: Wait…what?

At this point the entire draft descends into chaos and everyone grabs what they want. I end with my Jack Daniel's and a Svedka. Yahoo Fantasy Football gives my draft an A-, moving on.

As we load up the gondola, we receive a distressing phone call. Tahoe roommates 7 and 8 missed their flight in Chicago, they won't be joining us. This is a crushing blow to team morale until we realize that since we had stocked up on enough booze and drugs for 8 people, now everyone is just going to get really, really fucked up. Yay.

The second day on the slopes is better because I have my sea legs under me and also because I have a flask of whiskey in my pocket in addition the the mini bottles. Alcohol is great for two reasons, it makes you fearless and it makes falls not hurt as bad. Going for a difficult tree run or a massive jump in the terrain park? Make sure your BAC is at least double the legal limit. I'm sure Sonny Bono's downfall was that he lacked the confidence to hit an epic tree run. Always pre game the slopes kids, safety first.

Before I go on, here is my Heavenly Yelp review:

With majestic views and winding tree runs, Heavenly certainly lives up to its name. That said, the majority of the skiable area will not challenge the intermediate skier. I say that knowing I never challenged the upper bowls but I will assume they are on par with Aspen. Heavenly it an extensive sprawling mountain with a width that spans two states. This is both exciting and cumbersome as much traversing is required to go anywhere. On top of this the mountain isn't very high, if you are looking for a 10 minute top-downer, this isn't the mountain for you. Most people will choose to take the gondola down to base, although one can drive to either Stagecoach or the California Base if they so choose.

The best part of Heavenly is certainly the outrageous views of Lake Tahoe from the top of Sky Express (10,000 feet) From that elevation the entire lake looks no larger than the small pond I grew up on, ride the Ridge all the way down for breathtaking atmosphere and a fun groomed ride. Heavenly is an ideal family trip, I'm sure had I explored a bit more on my own I would have found a bit more to chew on but I was happy to stay with my group and hit the flask while we stuck to the intermediate terrain that makes up the majority of the mountain. With extreme apologies to Northstar, I would rank it the second best mountain in Tahoe behind Squaw.

Heavenly village won't compare to Aspen or even Park City, but make sure to hit the casinos across the state line next door, we won a couple hundred bucks at Hard Rock and skied the next day for free! 4/5 stars, would come ag ain!

I didn't really post that to Yelp, but in case you came here in search of actual feedback…I got you.

Where were we? Drunk on the slopes getting ready for night two? SURE, sounds great!

SO! After two nights of drinking and 2 days of skiing, I was moving a little slow…we eased into the pre game doing something like this…

330p: Apres ski, 1 beer
400: Lay on couch
500: Skip hot tub to lay on couch - 10 milligrams Adderall
505: Ask someone to bring me beer on the couch
510: Initiate new drinking game from couch
530: shotgun a beer on patio
545: 10 milligrams Adderall
600: Fill the flasks - 5 milligrams Adderall
605: Shots
610: Adderall starts to kick in
645: We're behind, we need to be drinking faster
650: I'm sober, prep the Molly.
701: Guys we're going to miss fuckbuttons
710: Everyone drink 2 beers as fast as you can and then I'll call the shuttle.
715: Call the shuttle, prep the roadies (4 per)
730: Load shuttle, drink said roadies (3)
745: Unload shuttle at Lake Tahoe Community College with walking beer
752: Get shaken down by undercover cop again…he says tomorrow night he will arrest us.
800: Walk through security with 5 flasks hidden among my 7 layers like it's NOTHING, also someone brought a full liter of Fireball in, these security guards really do not give a fuck.
801: Rave.

I'll be honest with you, I do not remember much of the night. But the fun is in the journey right? I know I came out of a blackout naked in front of our fireplace. According to my recently played on spotify I played an Eric Prydz (the Call on Me guy) song called 'Opus' 24 times. I must have liked that song at the show. I believe fireworks were involved with Kaskade's set, I feel comfortable calling the night a win.

The third day on the slopes is an absolute nightmare. Some hangovers you can't ski off. I tried to drink it off, but I fear I was just delaying the inevitable. We did Sierra day three, here is my Yelp review in the form of a haiku.

Fifty bucks cheaper
and 8 dollar Modello
Sierra, four stars!

I started to aggressively fade during Apres ski, I couldn't even finish my second PBR tall boy. I needed to get in the car and sleep. At my current rate, I would not see midnight. This was quite distressing. I shouldn't have skied today. The plan was to ski two days. If I slept all day or sat in the hot tub everything would have been fine.

God dammit.

Would I make it to midnight? Only time would tell.

By the time I got back to the cabin I was near catatonic, that said, the pre game looked like this.

500: Asleep in bed
515: Asleep in bed
530: Asleep in bed
545: Asleep in bed
600: Asleep in bed
615: Asleep in bed
630: Move to couch, upgraded from SLEEP to NAP
645: Napping on couch
700: Napping on couch
715: Napping on couch
730: Napping on couch
745: Napping on couch
800: Try to wake up, fail.
815: Not going to see Dillon Francis
830: Not going to see Griffin
845: Thank God we're out of molly
900: Ok guys, we can do this. Two shotguns on the patio, 5 shots of fireball, sixty milligrams of adderall, fuck calling the shuttle, we're just going down there and demanding a ride. Bring a full case of beer to sneak in, fuck that undercover cop. God damn it's fucking cold out tonight, no Pikachu suit for me. Alright, you guys ready to do this? Let's go.
945p: I've got no more than two hours and 16 minutes of fake energy for you WhatSoNot…MELT MY FACE,
946: Rave.

I actually remember stuff from NYE! I didn't black out like a fucking novice. Yay me! The dj played songs! We snuck into VIP. There were definitely fireworks. CAN CONFIRM. People hugged and kissed at New Year's, the Snowglobe app sent me a bunch of Push notifications telling me it loved me. We went to an after party in the artist green room area. Lil' Dicky was blacked TF out acting a fool. It was awesome! We went back to our cabin and played that stupid Eric Prydz song 35 more times before going to bed. I feel pretty good. I'm not going to be hungover at all tomorrow!





There were plans for New Year's day. Sledding? Make breakfast? Go to the casino and put it all on black?

The pain I felt when I woke up Friday morning I would equate to what it feels like to go through heroin withdrawal. I didn't have a headache, I had a fever. I had a body that rejected food and water. I was so dehydrated that I was incapable of nausea. All I could do was lie by the fire under a bunch of blankets and shiver and lightly weep. Every 20 minutes or so someone would bring me water and offer me something. This was past the point of xanax or vicodin or even Advil. This is the part where you are so fucked up that you think putting anything else in your body may prove fatal, this is STRUNG out. This is what rock stars write songs about, conversely this is also what they die of. What Iowa felt like in the first quarter of the Rose Bowl? That was a sexual assault. What I felt on the first? That was a genocide.

But I survived. And it is exactly what I needed going into sober January. I'm quite sure I won't feel the same until at least the 10th. Much like last year at Snowglobe, a week of partying and physical activity is just unsustainable. Last year I partied myself to illness, this time merely alcohol poisoning.

We watched 4 movies that day (Mad Max, Spectre, Get Hard, Focus) and then on day two of my hangover I meekly packed and loaded into the car for the 8 hour ride home punctuated by a 20 minute stop in at Mahogany Smoked Meats for some bomb ass beef jerky (5 stars)

When we finally piled out of the overcrowded MDX in Venice at 8pm I thought my adventure was over, but I would then spend 6 hours with my roommate in the ER of the Marina Del Rey Hospital (zero stars, seriously if your options are bleeding out or going there, welcome death with open arms)

Sunday I would spend the afternoon at Terranea with my Iowa cousins and today I would come into work at 5am only to display flu like symptoms caused by substance abuse four days ago.

And here we are…I have a lingering headache, I still have EDM bass rumbling in my ears and I'm not positive I didn't contract AIDS from patient room 11 at the MDR hospital. 27 more days without alcohol, 27 more days trying to start things off on the right foot this year. Maybe I'll get jacked, maybe I'll eat a bit healthier. Maybe I'll just watch a ton of Netflix and become a hermit.

Happy New Year from this degenerate and my merry band of hooligans to you and yours. 2016 might be great, it might be shitty, but it will certainly be an adventure. Make yours count.