Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Brain Damage

I once heard that every day after you turn 25 you start losing hundreds perhaps thousands of brain cells and that you never regain any. You are born with a finite amount and the rest of your miserable existence is just a slow countdown to 0. Well apparently the countdown has begun and after limping out of college and Chicago at the conclusion of a seven year bender I'm sure I didn't do myself any favors in delaying this process. I also think I'm developing adult onset...I can't even fucking think of the word, where you see letters and words backwards? Perhaps it is due to inner-ear trauma after standing too close to the speakers during one too many edm shows. I am damaged goods, I'm like Benjamin Button except I'm not getting dumber because I'm getting younger and my brain is developing in reverse, I'm just going through the firing squad of the weekend warrior gauntlet far too often. I wonder how many blackouts constitute a concussion, can you get CTE without playing professional sports? Perhaps it is all those little hits over time that are leading to my brain degeneration. One faceplant a week over a 10 year career of extreme raging is like being an NFL running back for 5 years. That must be it. I probably can't even freestyle anymore. :(

But future consequences be damned, I'm enjoying life now. I may be a vegetable at 50, but I didn't hold out a ton of hope for looking like Clooney either. We should have the majority of our fun in our twenties and thirties, especially if these rumors about "being fulfilled by other things late in life such as parenting" turn out to be true.

I apologize about that little intro rant, I should probably just refill my Adderall prescription. Does anyone know if that works? Can you just use it sparingly/recreationally in college, let it run out and then realize 3 years into the real world that it is a miracle drug and would greatly improve your quality of life and just get it back? Let's hope so. In any event, that painstakingly long intro wasn't completely unrelated to what I wanted to discuss, I wanted to talk a bit about the Super Bowl.

Isn't it sweetly ironic that any time Indianapolis has something badass that brings in people from all over the world I'm not there? All the Final 4s were always during spring break and now that we have a Super Bowl I am 2000 miles away in California and all I keep hearing is how fucking sweet it is. It seems like every day a new party is announced or one of you tweets about some cool event they got invited to. LIKE ZOMG SOCIAL 46 I GET TO MEET KATY PERRY...and now that I just paid for my Breck lodging and flight I have to live like a hermit until that trip. Just wait for my bitter tweets while I'm holed up in my room in Encino reading.

Lisbeth Salander just blew a Swedish rapists brain out #holyshit

Steve Jobs just got fired from Apple, created Pixar #bossmoves

And while many of you are trying to use your illegitimate blog to get yourself a press pass or cropping Facebook photos to find a suitable headshot to get you into the Bud Light Hotel after party, do know this: I'm extremely proud of Indy. Honestly after Dallas shit the bed so hard last year we probably could have just not allow a terrorist attack and been considered successful, but everything I am hearing is that this is shaping up to be one of the best Super Bowls ever. The Los Angeles media can't stop professing their love affair with Indy, even being so bold as to say that the NFL should copy the NCAA and Big Ten model guaranteeing Indianapolis a Super Bowl once in every so many years.

Sure it doesn't have bourbon street or South Beach, but what we do have is a stadium in the middle of downtown, and that has to count for something. You could literally drink 12 long islands at Kilroy's go to a Pacers game, take down 4 more pitchers at Scotty's, ride the zipline, see a band in Super Bowl village and go to Lucas Oil without walking even an entire mile, and even if you were blowing a .6 BAC, most of the nice people in Indy would offer you a hand in crossing the street, hell a mounted officer might just toss you on the back of his horse and escort you to your destination.

I'm sure it helps that it has been a fairly mild winter in the midwest, but I also heard Indy has been given the full Minneapolis treatment and there is really no need to go outside anymore. Everyone likes a skywalk, and although it is a beautiful 70 degrees here I wish I could be in Indy this weekend. I never thought I would ever say that the first week in February. 

In any event, keep doing what you're doing Naptown. I must say you're making me very proud of my hometown. I've been defending you for years from people all over the country, especially people from Chicago...even some people not from the relevant neighborhoods of Chicago attempt to defame you, but this time we're shoving it down their throat. I honestly think that trying a little harder is something that sets Hoosiers apart from say the entitled from the coasts...and while it is a shame that both New England and New York can't lose, it brings a smile to my face knowing that there will no matter what be millions of sad folks out east.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Simply en fuego

Wow, what a day. I discovered that youtube now allows porn (That links to a story about a British woman with two vaginas, details are shown) I learned how to link to other sites, and my softball team won last night, breaking our 3 month slump. Life is all about momentum so I think we'll be turning it around now.

Speaking of momentum, who knew that so many life lessons could be learned from NBA Jam? The game taught me basically everything I know about basketball. The black guys can dunk, the white guys can shoot and Michael Jordan is an asshole. Oh yeah, and if you make three consecutive shots you catch fire. Of course one doesn't literally burst into flames like a bad Nicolas Cage character, but I believe the fire metaphor for a hot streak is very applicable to countless other aspects of our life.

Life, as you know is all about peaks and valleys, hot and cold runs, it's like an IU basketball game. You can go 3 months without a job interview and then get 4 offers in a week. Or, take for example sexual encounters with the opposite sex. We've all had that brutal several month slump where it feels like the ice age and all vegetation has dried up. Everything you touch turns to dirt and prospects look weak. It's like when your favorite big league slugger goes on a 1-40 dry spell with 20 strikeouts and there appears to be no light at the end of the tunnel.

Alas, there is hope. The slump buster is the rookie just called up from the minor leagues, no confidence and nervous as fuck, he throws you a meat ball and you swagger blast that thing 400 feet...Ok I just got lost in my own metaphor, I think what I was saying is one of your female friends brings her whore 5/10 cousin in from out of town and boom you're back on the saddle again. Sure banging your friend's adopted cousin from Long Beach is the equivalent of a swinging bunt, but you reached base safely and that's all that matters the streak has been snapped.

And then you're feeling fucking good. You have that pep back in your step, you are starting to see colors again, you no longer want to call ex-girlfriends crying in the middle of the night. You're back baby. You remember how to do this shit, just be cocky as fuck and things will work out for you. Fortunately, your friend's cousin was only in town for the night...don't ever have to fucking think about her again. It's Friday night, you go to dinner, you get some drinks, you go to the gentlemen's club where the strippers remind you that you're the fucking man, and then you go out...

Karaoke night at the Gaslight. Santa Monica, blonde recent UCLA grads everywhere. Scratch that, it's rush week and this group of three seniors wanted to go out even though Westwood is completely off limits. After doing 5 or 6 rounds of Alabama Slammers and screaming Roll Tide you take the stage with the hottest one and sing "A Whole New World" and every person in the bar sings along with you because Disney was the shit in 1992 is the fucking shit. Then you take your Jasmine back to 744 Hilgard Avenue and tell her to rub your lamp and be granted 3 wishes.

"He's lighting it up"

After being rescued Saturday morning by your bro on the way to steak n eggs at swingers, it hits you. You're only one more win away from Catching Fire like Katniss Everdeen. With that in mind you head to a combo pool/beach party in Marina Del Ray. The talent level is huge, and the degree of difficulty will be high partially because these girls are out of your league and also because you haven't seen the inside of the gym in 2 months. All these people are more important and wealthier than you. Every time you try to talk to a hot chick some jackass guy enters the conversation and asks some cunty question like "so what do you do?" Fucking brohater.

But then it hits you, no matter the situation you could be outmatched and outclassed but you will always have your secret weapon: Fratitude. You go to the car and grab a wiffle ball bat, you start a flipcup game on a raft in the pool. You teach an old man to beer joust and talk to a group of jappy brunettes about the finer points of handle toss. You have just taken over the party. If there is one inalienable truth it has nothing to do with life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, it's that people like to have a good time. In the midst of instigating a game of you got served you notice an exotic looking woman giving you eyes from the docks. Doing the only gentlemanly thing possible you bring her a vodka soda and ask her if she would like to see your yacht...BOOM SHAKALAKA!!!

And he's on fire...

Now everything you touch turns to gold, women literally get moist in your presence. You can hit half court shots in pick up games of hoops and you can dunk from the 3 point line...ok so you will probably still not be able to dunk if you are white, but you will have a statistically higher chance of banging any chick you set your mind to. It's a simple case of momentum, attitude, personality. I don't know if it's because guys tend to over-pursue or prematurely close whilst on a cold streak, but when you're hot that shit is just on fucking auto pilot. I'm not claiming to be on a hot streak nor am I claiming that I feel one coming imminently...but any given night could be what starts it all and just in case i sawed off a bat this morning...and there is talk of Vegas for tomorrow, what better place to catch fire.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Growing Pains

I used to look forward to birthdays a lot. My parents would throw me a lavish party at chuck-e-cheese or an indoor water park or a pacers game or discovery zone or the embassy suites...you know all those places that kick ass at age 10. Then I would be showered in gifts by my family and friends. (The best part about growing up in a somewhat affluent area is that your friends' parents always wanted to get the best gift, due to this competitive nature I always got the newest video game or nerf gun available) The whole day was about me, we would get cheese pizza and vanilla cake so I would actually get to eat some, my mom would bake rice crispy treats that I could take in for a classroom celebration, life was fucking good.

The college birthdays were great because it seemed like every night was someone's 21st...aka an excuse for you to blackout like a jackass and sign their shot book. However, in recent years birthdays have become sort of a hassle. Any normal person that has at least 100 friends is going to be plagued by 3 birthday dinners a week. And some assholes feel entitled enough to have a birthday dinner AND a birthday party on 2 separate nights. Or there will be the person that plans the birthday trip...the whole fucking weekend. I don't know who told these princesses and self-centered fucks that their date of birth is worthy of 2% of my annual social calendar, but it's gotten to be a tad annoying.

Along with the grudges held for skipping out on the birthday festivities are the pressures on you to plan your own birthday. Well fuck it. I'm over it. Each birthday past 21 is just another year closer to death. There really isn't anything to celebrate...you are just widening the gap between you and the age of a chick you can fuck in good taste. (age/2+7...19 year olds get at me for the next week) Another thing though that comes with age are social expectations such as maturity, fiscal independence. Perhaps you are thinking of settling down, starting a family...are you going to have roommates forever? Isn't it time you start paying for your own car repairs? In fact, I've put together a little guide, for those of you trying to stay on the "right track" to adulthood.

25.) Congrats you can rent a car! But you can't fuck Freshman in college anymore. In fact, you should probably just give up on that. You had your 4 years of college, that first year out when you went back 8 times and then the next 2 years when you went back a full week for homecoming. It's time to move on. You're no longer welcome there. Being 25 and at a college bar doesn't make you the man, it makes you the creep. Ya, you can probably pick off some low hanging fruit and shack with a 4 or 5 when the bar is closing, but your contemporaries will never respect you. Stop taking shots, stop going out on Thursdays just because. You're halfway to 50 there chief, grow the fuck up.

26.) No more Obama care for you buddy, it's time to take $20 out of each paycheck and get yourself a shittly little hmo! Get dental insurance too, there are better ways to save $7 a month than to risk it on your teeth. By the way, do you still live in a 4 bedroom apartment with your college buddies? Might want to think about a condo with maybe one work friend. This way you can split gas and carpool, this is a practical life decision. You'll be making a lot more of these from now on. And aren't you tired of going to the bars every single weekend night and spending hundreds of your hard earned dollars? Is it really that gratifying still to feed a girl shots until she consents to be your rail-piece for the night. You should meet a nice young woman. Great places to meet people: volunteering, match.com, bible study.

27.) It's time to stop living paycheck to paycheck pal. How are you ever going to afford to buy your woman a rock if you don't have at least 20gs banked away. What you don't have a serious girlfriend yet? What the fuck is wrong with you? And the wedding...you think that the bride's dad still foots the bill? That's pretty 20th century buddy, unless you are marrying an oil baroness. Oh wait, you aren't marrying anyone. Get your shit together. Are you contributing to your 401k? Do you have a financial adviser? Do you know what a Roth IRA is. Stop watching reality TV, you should be watching CNN and following politics. If you got laid off tomorrow do you have enough money to stay afloat for awhile? It would be pretty fucking pathetic to move back in with mom and dad.

28.) A mortgage is much more fiscally responsible that renting. At least you have equity in something. I hope you've been paying your credit card bills and traffic tickets off in time...mom and dad can't cosign forever. Ya, I know you don't want to give up the hustle and bustle of the city. But you really can't afford to buy downtown. Move out to the suburbs! You can acquire a lot of land for pennies on the dollar if you move up north. Who cares about the stigma that goes along with it...this is all about stretching your dollar. It's time to make some sacrifices too. Your $250 cable bill? That could be over a month of groceries. Do something nice for your wife, cancel your NFL Sunday ticket so she can do hot yoga once a week. It makes her feel important and healthy. That's what marriage is about compromise and sacrifice.

29.) Aren't you glad you opted for a house in the burbs with more space? That condo downtown would have been pretty cramped with 3! You're going to be a dad! Isn't that wonderful? All the fun shit you used to do, forget about it. You now clean up shit for a living, but it's so wonderful because you have been granted the gift of human life! No more sex with the wife, no more boys nights. You have to be there to support her. Yep, having a kid is expensive, good thing you don't go on those downtown benders anymore...the price of buying a bottle that's like a 2 week supply of formula. Aren't you happy? You gave it all up for this. But it was totally worth it. You have a beautiful wife...well she's fat and irritable now, but pregnancy is a beautiful thing. You own your home, well you're already upside down on your mortgage, but you'll figure it out. Can't wait to trade in my sports car for a more practical mini-van. Yes this is the dream.

30.) Heyyyy, don't worry about it. Divorce happens to almost everyone. Yes it's pretty terrible that your wife dumped you because you weren't the fun guy she fell in love with. Obviously, you gave it all up for her, and that baby who's life you won't be much a part of, but you fully financially support. The baby, your ex-wife, and your new ex-wife's unemployed boyfriend who recently moved into your house. The good news is that after child support, alimony(too bad she wasn't an MD/DDS), the mortgage (for the house you no longer live in) and your weekly therapy sessions, you can afford to get a small studio in (insert shitty but kinda downtown neighborhood here) You are reborn my man! You're back. Ya, you're still working at the same shitty sales company that you started out of college. You're still in the city that you swore you would leave some day, but you have fucking wisdom man. You have been through hell and back and you're only 30. Shit, and you still look decent. You may even have a single friend or two that you can hit the town with hard tonight. Because fuck it, you played society's little game and you lost. So it's time to take society's ideals and give them a swift donkey punch. Sure 30/2+7=22 but if you want to fucking blast an 18 year old girl from the back tonight, you are within your legal rights as an American.

Or...next Sunday I turn 25. I will continue to live my life exactly the way I have been and keep doing the things that make me happy. I'll pay for my cell phone bill when I make as much money as my dad. If scouring engagement rings on Pinterest is your thing, that's fine I'm not stopping you. But I'm a Single Dude in LA living my life for me, and anyone that tells me to do otherwise can go fuck themselves.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Not to be cliche, but...

If any of you read my old blog Frat Italy, you will remember that it was more or less a way for me to recap my adventures while studying abroad. With no access to a cell phone or a reliable internet connection for skype and e-mail it was an easy way to keep people slightly aware of my comings and goings in Europe with some slight hyperbole to keep things interesting. Then when I switched my blog to Chicago it became more or less a space for me to rant about my thoughts and feelings as told through the eyes of generation Y because pretty much everyone knew what I was up to. Now I'm thousands of miles away again so I've tried to make it a bit more of a hybrid. That said, I don't think that everyone wants to tune in a couple times a week to hear about the awesomely cool shit that happened in LA over the weekend because it will just make you jealous and you'll learn to hate me and unfollow me on twitter.

That said, this past weekend was pretty epic. It involved all of my favorite things: karaoke, beer fests, sleeping in cars in alleys, day parties and of course strip flip cup. The only thing that could have gone better is if Tebow wouldn't have shit the bed. Second coming? I'm pretty sure I could muster a better performance against the Patriot's D.

There is just something about the timing of MLK day weekend. After the Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Year's combo the real world really comes back and fucks you up the ass hard. But then 2 weeks later this wonderful little holiday gives you a brief reprieve from the winter and most importantly a Monday. Last year I spent the long weekend in New York and my body recovered in mid-March. Alas, I'm sure you all had an equally crazy weekend, just not in shorts and sandals. The worst part of enjoying the 3 day weekend is that you will undoubtedly be hungover until Wednesday, so if you called in sick today...congrats you only have to suffer through 3 days until you get to do it all over again.

A lot of you might be thinking "Fuck you! I didn't have the day off yesterday." Well neither did I, but if you work for a publicly traded company and you didn't get the day off yesterday, your CEO is probably racist. But Martin Luther King day is over now. The Colts have fired Jim Caldwell and there is now nothing to look forward to until St. Patrick's Day, unless you wanted to come out to L.A. for my birthday weekend. Sure the NFL Playoffs will keep you going for a little while longer and if IU decides to stop sucking dick that will provide the occasional fun distraction, but it's time to accept the fact that you are going to be watching a lot of TV the next 60 days. It's fine, there is a reason all your favorite shows come back around this time. (Side note: If you aren't watching Angry Boys, you need to go home tonight and watch every episode. Don't miss out all over again like you did with Summer Heights High)

While you are watching these shows you will notice a lot of terrible cliches. What I have decided to focus on today (after that extremely long winded intro, sorry) is a situation you will see in a movie, how it will go in the movie, and how it will go in real life.

Scenario 1.) Dorky guy falls for absolute babe. Babe blows him off. Ugly chick is dork guy's best friend. Babe is dating big bully asshole. Babe realizes her boyfriend is a dick. Babe wants dorky guy. Dorky guy goes for ugly chick.

You all know this, or some variation of it. American Pie (Allyson Hannigan was NOT hot back then) Snow Day, Shallow Hal. It's the fucking worst. I almost always stand up and yell at the screen. This is not at all how it would end up in reality. The protagonist would at least bang the hot chick for a while before realizing her character flaws and dumping her. The ugly chick would still be there waiting in the wings at the end of the day. The one movie that kinda went away from this cliche was Wet Hot American Summer when at the end Connie Moreau tells the dorky guy...I'm still going to bang Paul Rudd, because he is popular and you are a dork.

Scenario 2.) No one ever dies in those big car chases.

Think about those crazy car chases in movies. Any Bourne film, Bond, Bad Boys. There are literally catastrophic crashes. Head on, explosions, run over by trucks, trains even sometimes. But at the end of the day the stressed out police chief merely chastises the "cop that takes matters into his own hands" This shit would not fly. Dozens of civilians would be killed in those actual crashes, everyone at the department would be fired, the city would be sued potentially for billions...the film would not end with the protagonist floating on a raft raw dogging a Hungarian princess.

Scenario 3.) Frat boys are douchebags and sorority girls are ditzy bimbos.

Most Hollywood writers are punky unathletic Jewish kids that were probably picked on by the popular guys growing up, thus the "in crowd" is typically villainized in TV and movies. This is why none of my pitches that glorify the Greek system will ever sell because if the Hollywood writer as a "puj" is a hasty generalization, I assure you that every studio head didn't get a varsity letter.

Scenario 4.) Twenty something year old journalists, publicists, ad execs, writers...basically anyone that lives in L.A. or New York and has a "cool job" lives in multimillion dollar condos and easily makes 6 figures. They go to swank restaurants every night and have plenty of time before work every day to go to lavish brunch with friends.

No. The cooler a job sounds, the less a company can pay you because they know there are a million other people who will do it for less or even for free. A lot of people that hold those "sweet jobs" are hourly, or hired on a work to hire basis which could be a paid or unpaid internship. Your favorite bloggers on the internet make about $10 a post and Dan Humphrey would have never gotten a 6 figure advance for his first novel. The grass is always greener, but if you want to hit it big at 25 go back to school and take a few informatics classes.

Scenario 5.) Thirty minutes before the end of any romantic comedy some sort of conflict will arise and the main couple will split up. The one who gets dumped will immediately turn to alcohol, they will not shave or go to work for 3 weeks, they will lock themselves in solitary confinement. Someone intervenes they get back together.

Ok so maybe that one is close, I believe in happy endings...but I would prefer they sub in a montage of a bender with hookers, blow and Vegas for the pathetic wallowing in misery. That seems more realistic.

I think movie cliches are hilarious. Check out this list I was working off of if you find these humorous. http://www.moviecliches.com

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

So pinteresting

Like most of you, I have always been an early adopter of things that I think will be cool: Apple products, Social media, Bi-Curious encounters (2 truths and a lie) I was blogging about fratting in Italy way before any of my contemporaries knew what a Wordpress was. I've been looking at kitten tumblrs since 09 and I have a user name on Fark. I am fucking hip when it comes to the net. There are other things it took me a little longer to learn how to do: talk to girls, manage my finances, eat veggies, but those aren't the things that are going to move us forward into the future.

Needless to say when I found out there was a website where people posted pictures of babies, puppies, wild flowers and everything considered cute I had to be a part of it. I have since lost interest, but I still get an email every time someone joins. They may not know it but every time you register for Pinterest it automatically shares all of your boards with your Facebook friends and I get an email. I know who is pinning and who is viewing...this is the new chic time waster at work, it's like StumbleUpon 2.0. None of this is necessarily relevant, but I have moved every male friend of mine that has joined pinterest into the "potentially gay" column.

Moving on...I wanted to celebrate the grand opening of the Hollywood Buffalo Wild Wings (b dubs...one of my favorite places on Earth) by ranking the sauces. You really can't go wrong with any of them. It is the best wing chain in the nation hands down, and if you don't live within 45 minutes of one I truly sympathize with you. Between their savory wings, fat potato wedges and $3 23 ounce drafts it is one of my favorite places on Earth. Without further ado, the rankings.

In order of lamest to most fucking awesome.

16. Honey BBQ
15. Sweet BBQ
14. Jammin Jalapeno
13. Thai Curry

These 2 "new sauces" should have never been introduced. The Jammin jalapeno is like a shitty attempt at the spicy from Buff Joe's in Evanston and Thai Curry tastes like someone just vomited Indian food onto some chicken wings. Sweet and Honey BBQ are just weak in every sense of the word. If you order Sweet BBQ boneless wings and then try to order a beer, the bartender should serve you milk.

12. Parmesan Garlic
11. Spicy Garlic
10. Blazin'
9. Mild

There is nothing necessarily wrong with this next group with the exception of they are really kind of worthless. Blazin isn't an enjoyable wing eating experience, people that order it do it simply for shock value. Mild is for pussies, get medium if you want buffalo that isn't hot...and the two garlic sauces are just retarded no one orders this...the wings actually look stupid, I really think they are only on the menu because some idiot at corporate thought maybe the people wanted a white chicken wing.

8. Medium
7. Hot BBQ
6. Wild
5. Teriyaki

Medium isn't hot enough. Wild is just a tad too hot. Hot BBQ is the best way to do BBQ style, and Teriyaki is the best non hot menu item and my first love.

4. Caribbean Jerk
3. Asian Zing
2. Hot
1. Mango Habanero

This last foursome was very hard to rank, and quite honestly I wouldn't fault you for any of the 4. The classic hot buffalo is so close to being the best, but where b dubbs excels in their bizarre sauce selection. Most wing places will offer a mild, hot, bbq and teriyaki. B dubbs dares to throw wild combinations together and mango habanero is it's masterpiece. From it's extreme spicy flavor to its sweet fruit inspired tangy aftertaste, this sauce will never disappoint. Make sure to grab a couple sides of ranch or you will develop an element of the dreaded face sweat which will invariably always make you look like a massive twat.

Now come to L.A. we'll eat lunch at Bdubbs at Hollywood and Highland, cruise over for drinks at the Roosevelt's Tropicana pool then pop bottles with Ashley Greene at Spare Room and I promise I will never blog about food again, but if I find a gratifying picture of Bdubbs wings on the internet I'm pinning the shit out of that to my board.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

20 New Year's Resolutions for twentysomethings

Like many of you, I saw my Facebook minifeed blow up with that post the Thought Catalog did a few days ago. And I get it, it's cutesy and slightly snarky and a lot of those things might better yourself. It seemed like every girl I know loved it. But the more I thought about it the more I hated them, the people that write for that are the most pretentious group of ass assassins on the web, "we are no brow, and neither lean to the right or left, you might become a more interesting and or smarter for reading our musings..." ya blah blah blah fuck that. Your twenties are a time to get it all out of your system before you really have to grow up, not fake being an adult. Spend less money in a month than you make? Then what's the point of having wealthy parents. As many of you know this is a satire site so I'm not serious with all of these suggestions, but a few of them I am. You aren't going to quit smoking and doing drugs just because it's 2012. Even if you write down the goal of going to the gym 3 times a week, you will probably fail...and if you are one of those out of shape hippos that just goes there to check yourself in on foursquare so that your friends are proud of you and then you hang out for an hour, guess what? You will still be gross looking, and have a harder time in this world.

Alas, my 20 New Year's Resolutions. Some of them will better you, some of them will make you worse, some of them I just put in to make you chortle.

1. Move the fuck out of your parent's house. Ya, you're saving money, but you are also pathetic, no one wants to take a cab to the burbs in order to conclude a one night stand and surprisingly with age the willingness to get down on a couch is sadly fading.

2. Rent a hotel room for homecoming. Even if the sophomore with big tits and a skinny waist doesn't mind getting down on a couch you probably don't know any of the guys in the live out anymore and the benches in chapter can't be good for your back.

3. Win a bar fight. At 25 it's an accomplishment, at 35 it's assault...best to do it sooner rather than later. The female version of this would be to tell someone to go fuck themself in a very public setting, orrrr win a bar fight.

4. Stop using condoms...at this point in your life you should be responsible enough to deal with the consequences of your actions, and you should know what std's you are going to contract from your chosen partner...come on this is part of growing up.

5. If you don't want to go to someone's wedding/party/child's christening because you don't really like them and would rather do something else...send a card and keep on living your life.

6. Stop saying the n bomb...swearing is ok, but every white kid has at one time in their life referred to one of their other white friends as their n*gga...hip hop is dead, this is the year to give up on your wiggerdom.

7. Have a drink...this is always your first order, you don't have to always order this, but your close friends should immediately know what your default is. If you are a man it should be whiskey based, women vodka based...but if it's whiskey based, let's hang out.

8. If you are still blacking out, taking amphetamines, smoking pot all day Sundays but you make it to work on time and do a respectable job, do whatever the fuck you want, because in five years you won't be able to do this anymore.

9. Get a significant other...or don't if you don't want to. Derek Jeter is almost 40 and he is happy as a clam, most of the people around you that are getting married are doing it out of societal pressure and boredom, fuck them, did you see Girl With The Dragon Tattoo? Mikael Blomkvist is doing just fine.

10. If you want to go on a fun trip but work is getting in the way, just fucking go. It's your vacation time, if you want to go to Oktoberfest in Germany or just lock yourself in a room and go on a meth binge, that's your prerogative. Some day in the near future you will inevitably have something fun cancelled by something like a sick child and you can't call in sick for that.

11. Have a threesome...bonus points if they are both hookers. 4x multiplier if it's in Vegas.

12. Take a random fling on a spontaneous trip immediately after your one night stand...because it's basically the most ballingest thing ever.

13. If you hate your job, quit. If you want to move somewhere, move. If you want to break-up with your boyfriend/girlfriend do it...because if you don't you will learn to hate yourself for never going for it. And by breaking up with your girlfriend now you will save probably about $100,000 in the divorce that will never happen.

14. If you are a vegetarian, quit that lame shit. I understand it's sad when you see cute little chickens and you realize that they will some day be my McNuggets, but if the tables were turned and we tasted as delicious, don't think for 2 seconds they would hesitate.

15. See every one of the nominated best pictures from the past year, everyone loves a cinephile. This is the one-ish thing I liked on FrotCatalog's list...the reality TV thing is atrocious but Enlightened doesn't really do it for me, it's all about that spiritual empowerment bullshit, the same though process that queefed out Eat, Pray, Love.

16. Read...and I don't care what it is. Read the Steve Jobs bio or the Hunger Games or some shit. There's nothing more deadly than an intellectual asshole, and while talking about Katniss Everdeen won't win you any philosophy awards it will probably get you into at least one girl's pants this year.

17. Don't get your own place, don't move in with your significant other...this will be the death of you. Living alone is depressing, and living unmarried together with a member of the opposite sex is a death blow to your social relevance. If you really want to do this then just move out to the burbs, get married and stop judging the rest of us that still instinctively wake up on Saturday mornings with the expectation that it's time to start drinking.

18. No one is looking at the brand label anymore...if you are wearing that $300 North Face it better be because it is really fucking comfortable and warm. (Note: I am in constant violation of this but that is because my mom still takes my cues from my college wardrobe where it was important for me to portray an image of fiscal elitism, I now shop at the Rack and The Maxx like it's my job)

19. Stop worrying so much about what everyone thinks. Social norms be damned, live your fucking life. Do what you want, be irresponsible, your time where you can literally do whatever you want is numbered. Some day in the not to soon future, you will look like a jackass doing anything on this list, some day this stuff will land you in jail or in lawsuits or not invited to the family Thanksgiving...but you can pull it off for just a little longer.

20. Stop writing your stupid blog. No one really cares what you think, they're just bored at work...I'm kidding, I will always be a staunch supporter of anyone's creative outlet, if slam poetry or weird religious rituals get you off, fire away. Here's to an irresponsible 2012 of getting yours and mowing over anyone who stands in your way.

Update: I can't believe I fucking forgot this one...so here is a bonus resolution for those of you reading this late.

21. STOP FUCKING POSTING YOUR ULTRASOUNDS TO FACEBOOK, TALKING ABOUT HOW MUCH YOU LOVE YOUR HUSBAND, YOUR KIDS, PICTURES OF YOUR RING (you would have gotten a bigger one had you waited until later in life) no one gives a fuck that you're pregnant, in fact it just means that you're going to get fat and can't drink for a while...so just stop.