Top 10 Movies of 2018

I think I’ve aged out of arthouse cinema.

I watched Roma last night and, sure, it looked cool. And yes, I was gasping for breath during the ocean scene and the hospital scene and the furniture store scene.

But you know what? I didn’t enjoy myself. Roma was a tough hang. So was Sorry to Bother You and The Hate U Give. I’m not out here trying to learn a lesson. I’m trying to enjoy myself for the next couple hours. You know what I enjoyed this year? Mamma Mia 2. Now Mamma Mia 2 did not make my list, but I took a bottle of Rose into that movie and literally danced my way out of the theater when it was over.

The world needs more Mamma Mia 2 and less First Man. And look, not to disparage the God Damien Chazelle, First Man similarly to Roma and a bunch of other movies that didn’t make my list are fine works of art that look beautiful. I guess as I get older I’m just less interested in super serious depictions of tragedy…unless it’s a war movie because war movies kick ass.

I’ll also have to issue my list of apologies right now, I didn’t see every single movie this year. I missed Vox Lux and Anna and the Apocalypse. After Beautiful Boy I was all set on rehab movies so I skipped Ben is Back and Boy Erased. I can’t find a Destroyer screener and I think I’m all set on my RGB content for the year so On the Basis of Sex will have to wait until 2019.

No animation and no docs on my list this year. I’m sure I forgot something awesome I watched in March, who cares, Sing Street is still the best movie this decade and 2018 was kind of whatever. To the list!

10. Eighth Grade

All that grandiose soapboxing about ‘movies are meant to entertain’ and then I drop the movie that made me the most uncomfortable this year. I hated watching this movie. It made me physically uncomfortable and I just wanted it to end before any other bad things could happen to that little girl. But I think that was the point. Director Bo Burnham is a 28 year old comedian who is objectively good looking and I would imagine that he could have sex with anyone in Los Angeles male or female. The fact that he remembers this kind of pain and angst from middle school just goes to prove that it’s a horrible time for everyone.

9. Black Panther

What can I say about this movie that hasn’t been said already? It’s the most captivating political thriller in years. It makes statements without being annoying about it and it has an all time performance from Michael B Jordan who may be the most interesting American actor working right now. The entire cast really just knocks it out of the park, all the while being set in one of the freshest and most exciting worlds that we have seen in any comic book movie. The film loses a couple points with me because I’ve really had it with the third act final battle. I didn’t need those rhinocerous looking motherfuckers rushing into battle but I guess this movie is for 8 year olds too. 

8. Annihilation

I’ve thought about this movie a lot and I really don’t have a fucking clue what was going on, but there was a scene in which an alien bear rips a chick’s jaw off and it’s the most metal scene of 2018. Also Natalie Portman is perfect in everything she does.

7. Bohemian Rhapsody.

This movie got shit for not being gay enough and it got shit for not making Freddie Mercury enough of a degenerate. I counter with this, when you see him stumbling through a house full of empty booze bottles and coke residue, what do you think happened? They weren’t having bible study the night before! I could watch that Live Aid sequence probably every day for the rest of my life. If Rami Malek doesn’t get an Oscar nomination I may organize a protest.

6. The Favourite

I wanted to like this movie so much more. The first half was hilarious, absurd, fun. The second half, not so much. Similar to The Lobster, Yorgos Lanthimos…you know what?Fuck it. I didn’t really like this movie. I’m changing my mind. Fuck The Favourite go see 6. Overlord.

5. BlacKKKlansman

I feel like I’ve been disingenuous with my list thus far. The truth is, I probably liked To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before AND Set It Up more than Eighth Grade. I just put Eighth Grade in there so I would have some indie cred. Whatever. At least I didn’t put something super obscure like Sisters Brothers on here (even though I quite enjoyed it) BlacKKKlansman was really fucking good. John David Washington was really fucking good…and Adam Driver? I’m so glad you fucked up your back mountain biking and never went to war. I think Spike Lee is pretty hit or miss, this movie is his best in 20 years.

4. Crazy Rich Asians

My interests are always changing but I will never not be into rich people doing rich things. A rom com about the opulence of the Singaporian elite is right up my alley and boy does this thing deliver. Maybe this is why I didn’t like Roma. That movie follows a poor maid and a rich family slipping into the middle class. What a tragedy. Fewer politically motivated massacres and more POND WEEDDINGS PLEASE! Alas, the cast of CRA is stellar. Everyone is pretty. Even Awkwafina is funny. Man, I really am just a materialistic girl out here, huh? There better be fireworks at my wedding.

3. Vice

I’m going to be honest with you. I find Adam McKay’s satirizing American tragedies to be absolutely hilarious. As a former hard line Republican, I really found nothing upsetting about the war in Iraq and Afghanistan at the time. I was playing a lot of Halo back then and my preferred mode in that game was ‘slayer’ which essentially means, kill more bad guys than bad guys kill you. We definitely killed more bad guys in that war than they killed us. But that’s not the point. We also killed innocents and really no Americans should’ve died to mid-east fuckery. I know that now. I’ve grown up. All that said, fat Christian Bale makes me laugh.

2. Hereditary

The less you know going into this movie the better, so I’ll leave it at this. Hereditary is the scariest movie I have ever seen in my life. Hard stop. Toni Collette deserves seven Oscars but since the Academy is made up of limp dick cowards, she probably won’t be nominated. The car scene is the wildest cinematic experience in 10 years and the piano wire shit is still giving me nightmares. Go see Hereditary you peasant.

1. A Star is Born

Oh fuck you. Yes, it’s basic. Yes, it’s very white. Yes it’s heteronormative. But it’s also fucking perfection. Listen to ‘Shallow’ again you fucking muppet. It’s magical. Listen to ‘Always Remember Us This Way.’ Ya that song bangs too. I even ride for the song at the end. It’s pretty good. I listen to it in the shower. Give this movie all the Oscars. Give Sam Elliott an Oscar. Let Lady Gaga and Brad perform the whole god damn soundtrack. You really want to give Glenn Close an Oscar for The Wife? You didn’t watch the fucking wife. Basically what I’m trying to say is that if you want to go to Vegas for Gaga’s residency, I’m down. Tiny arthouse fiends, we gave you Moonlight, a film about a poor kid getting a hand job. La La Land was robbed. Just…just let me have this. Thank you. 

Top 10 TV Shows of 2018

Ah yes, it's year end list SZN, the time of year where I put very little thought into putting together my 'best of' but I get thousands of views because I got Mindy Kaling's lunch for a season.

THAT MAKES ME A FUCKING EXPERT. (Apparently)

Truth be told 2018 was my first year mostly away from the TV industry. I wrote one pilot and briefly consulted on a couple treatments but I actually didn't work on a series this year. As such, I watched a bit less than in years past. Also nearly everything on my list came from streaming so I am now officially an idiot for not cutting the cord. I legit have DirecTV for the two times a year I wake up in time to watch the Colts play at 10am on a Sunday.

Now looking at it in totality my list can be categorized as things I'm in to...rich people, young love, drugs and terrorists getting shot in the fucking face. I guess I'm a pretty simple guy when it comes down to it. Let's go to the list.


10. Lovesick, Season 3 (Netflix)

As a show it barely qualifies, the entire episode dump came while I was nursing a hangover on January 1st of this year. Season 3 (or series 3 as the Brits are wont to call it) was not as crisp as its previous iterations, but as long as Dylan, Luke and Evie are appearing together in something it's making my list. The show is about a bunch of 30ish year olds just trying to figure it out in between black outs at the pub, angsty confessions and sloppy break-ups. Inject that shit into my veins. It doesn't hurt that I aspire to have the personality of Luke and the look of Dylan and end up with a girl as beautiful as Evie.

9. Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit, Season 1 (Amazon) / You, Season 1 (Lifetime)

I have these tied for 9 because they are both guilty pleasures of mine. Unlike my woke counterparts, I still really enjoy getting jingoistic from time to time and fist pumping when a nameless terrorist has his head blown off. The fact that Jim Halpert and the guy from The Wire are the two protagonists of Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit makes it that much better. The fact that this is my lone Amazon choice may puzzle you, surely Ms. Maisel or Homecoming are objectively better fare, but just think of JRSR as my Indiana comfort food when I'm feeling like 'Making America Great.'

On the flip side, You is a show about attractive people making questionable decisions. You can just go ahead and sign me up for all of that. The pilot alone has rich people doing rich things, Dan Humphrey as a voyeur, multiple scenes of gratuitous masturbation, and an arrogant douche getting maimed by a hammer! All the while it's set against a very Gossip Girly New York backdrop. While I was watching You, I wasn't sure if the show was great or if it was just made especially for me. Either way, I'm in.

8. End of the F***ing World, Season 1 (Netflix)

I watched EOTFW hungover on a Sunday afternoon after making some very poor choices on a Saturday night. Anxiety was through the roof. That's probably the best way to watch this show, which feels like a 4 hour My Chemical Romance music video. The show revolves around two teens that kind of want to murder each other but also kinda want to fuck? Eventually they decide to go on a Bonnie and Clyde-esque tear through England and by the time its over you think Sid and Nancy had a healthy relationship.

7. Narcos: Mexico, Season 1ish (Netflix)

Shows about drugs are objectively cool. Michael Pena is objectively cool. And let me tell ya, Diego Luna has come a long way since crying his way through sex with Mozart in the Jungle. The show has a familiar hook. The bad guys are pushing dope, the good guys are trying to stop them but you find yourself rooting for...the bad guys. Let chaos reign.

6. Succession, Season 1 (HBO)

The only thing I think I like more than the wealthy and elite is a good old fashioned power struggle. I also enjoy dysfunctional families bc my family is painfully normal. This show has a plethora of both. Also: Underground Burning Man drug orgies? Check. Jerking off to city skylines? Check Check. A meth binge in New Mexico? CIRCLE GETS THE SQUARE! Kendall Roy was the biggest dipshit on tv in 2018 and probably the one who I would most like to get a beer with.

5. Bodyguard, Season 1 (Netflix)

Does anyone else watch shows with the subtitles on? When I was like a Sophomore in high school my grades plummeted and my parents were afraid I wouldn't get into a decent college. I went to a psychiatrist and they ran a thousand tests on me. The results showed that I had some sort of hearing fuckery where I can't process information that is told to me, I need to read it. The real reason for my slip in grades was that I just wasn't doing homework and was spending all of my time online after football practice on AIM trying to convince people to have sex with me. Regardless, they prescribed me 40 mg of adderall a day, I went to IU and became your God for four years.

These days, I really find myself struggling to understand people that don't speak perfect English. Maybe that psychiatrist was right! Anyway I can't comprehend what the fuck Richard Madden is saying or why he keeps calling people mom, but I keep the subtitles on and the show beats ass.

4. The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina, Season 1 (Netflix)

God this show is awesome. I like the cat and the pansexual cousin. I love the 'Mean Girls' witches, I love the Slytherin Aunt, I love that Lady Satan looks like Veronica Lodge all grown up and I love that in season two Sabrina is probably going to start fucking Archie during a Riverdale crossover.

One thing I don't like is that fact that little Sally Draper is playing a 16 year old and the show is full of near nudity. I know the actress is 19, and know that some of these scenes are not written as exploitive but GOD DAMN do not put that temptation on me, it's fucking gross. Never did I think I would be the rallying voice to stop sexualizing women on TV but I guess I am a feminist after all. *None of this applies to Prudence though, strip away Prude. She might be playing a high schooler but she's 22 and I can tell the difference.

3. Bojack Horseman, Season 5 (Netflix)

This is the most consistently great show on television. After five years I don't know what else there is to say. Raphael Bob-Waksberg is a genius. Satires typically have a finite shelf life but every year this show seems to outdo itself. I think that's because once you get past all the sight gags and Hollywood quips, this is a show about despair and mental illness, something that we're all acquainted with in 2018 amirite?!

If you're not a fan of animation, I get it. Listening to those Rick and Morty apostles talk about Szechuan sauce is annoying, but Bojack is different. It's as biting as early South Park and as laugh out loud funny as peak Office.

2. The Haunting of Hill House, Season 1 (Netflix)

While this show won't quite make my best television series of 2018, it certainly had the best episode. Episode 5 'The Bent-Neck Lady' gave me such a visceral reaction, that I'm not sure I have fully recovered. I remember reading internet reviews that read 'Millennials Have Found Haunting of Hill House So Scary, They Can't Sleep!' and thinking God I can't wait HuffPo to pull a Gawker and die. But my God, I would only watch this show, with the lights on, in my room when one of my roommates was home. For whatever reason I figured the ghosts wouldn't come for me when my roommates were home...probably because my roommates would force the ghosts to party with them.

Actually now I'm laughing because I can't shake the thought of Michael chasing a spirit around the house with cigarettes and Budweisers...too drunk to realize that he was tormenting a malevolent demon. Ah, good times.

1. American Vandal, Season 2 (Netflix)

This show is a masterpiece. It is the peak of what entertainment can be, and it's a show that is essentially built upon poop and dick jokes.

When I was working in tv, I used to think I was better than all of my colleagues. If someone got promoted ahead of me it wasn't because they were a better writer, it's because they kissed more ass or were less of a white male than me. (God do I belong on 4chan or what) I really struggle to watch a lot of modern sitcoms because I know I could so easily write for them. Love? Sure. Sunny? Def. You're the Worst? In my sleep.

Not American Vandal.

Everyone on this show is operating at such a high level it shocks me. It's so current and relevant. The style is so fresh. I was genuinely upset when it was over. I went back and binged the entire first season again. This is the type of show that made me want to write television, the type of show that says FUCK the format. Spend less time worrying about your act breaks and just come up with something new.

A year ago when I made this list I was temping at a Regus office while still trying to write. This is the type of show that makes me want to quit my job and give it one more go. Alas, cheers to the Turd Burglar and the best show of 2018.