Wednesday, November 26, 2014

25 things you're never too old to do


I have largely been on the fence about Vice since I started hearing about it a few years ago. On one hand, their TV show is the tits, they go into active war zones and give a limited amount of fucks. They took Dennis Rodman to North Korea and made him become homies with Kim Jong Un. They are criticized by mainstream media for their reckless abandon which could easily lead to one of them being killed. But that's the beauty, they don't care. Oh 60 Minutes doesn't want to interview a terrorist leader? Pussies.

On the other hand, they are a bunch of tatted up Brooklynites that represent everything I hate in this world. I swear to God, Shane Smith was sent to this world merely to torture me. In a world of bearded hipster fucktards, this clown is their self-appointed leader. Thus, I'm torn. I tend to avoid their articles because, well I, just can't stand self-loathing white people crusading for social justice. And they write shit like this and then parody their own take down piece a week later.

But I can live with that. I understand hating the group at the top. Not everyone gets a bid. Not everyone spends half a decade in their early 20's getting blowjobs from perfect looking chicks.  Not everyone graduates debt free from college because their dad has a nice white collar job. I get it man. It is probably annoying to see a bunch of dudes throwing around trust fund money at a Brother Jimmy's with a bunch of girls in size 0 jeans on a Saturday afternoon. You were just there for the chicken wings man. Who gets fucking bottle service at 11am...at a sports bar? I get it dude, seriously. I hate the Yankees for the same reason. Go back to Brooklyn, you're safer there.

I digress.

Today Vice published an article about all the things that you can no longer do once you turn 25.

It is not a good article.

I did some digging to try to figure out why the article was so bad. I came up with two possibilities.
1.) The author appears to be British (I think it's a straight male, but it could be a girl or a gay guy)
The European experience may be a little different than the traditional American maturation process.
2.) This is a fucking guy that JUST turned 25 and is now on a soapbox lecturing everyone about what not to do, since he is so wise now.

Really, there is no more set-up necessary, let's just go through it, find out for yourself. Try to keep the rage in check.


1) Doing Drugs to Impress People
Any time I've ever done cocaine, I just want to call my parents. Once, while smoking weed, I watched as one of my friends very slowly pissed herself. Is that what drugs are supposed to do? Either way, it's not for me. Not anymore.
If your thing is getting fingered in a cab by a dude with coke on his hands, then please, by all means, go and do that right now. I'll even hail one for you.

Good for you man. You don't like drugs. That's very strange that one of your friends pissed herself because of marijuana...especially slowly. Usually when I piss myself it is extremely quick, like when I'm in a massive port o potty line at a festival and I can't possibly hold it any longer so I bail out and piss behind a tree, sometimes I pee myself before I can make it to said tree. It blows. And did you say anything? Or just like let her wet her pants. That's fucked up. Way to just like let us know you've done blow before, by the way...you know, just to let us know you're cool. And since when does casual drug use lead to getting a twat numbie in the back of a cab. That seems pretty hardcore man. He closes with saying...

There's no point doing drugs after 25 unless you're in it to win it, so unless you're a full-blown addict, it might do you good to stop now. (It might also be a good idea if you are a full-blown addict.) 

Got it. Full blown addict or Mormon. (Isn't Vice supposed to be like pro weed?) Usually when I do drugs people are very unimpressed, does this absolve me?

2) Being ID'd
Being ID'd is fucking lame man. Like fuck this guy for you know doing his job and following the law. God forbid this bartender keep me from my Oatmeal Stout for 2 more fucking seconds. UGGGGGGH, dude no I'm not 21, I'm 25. Huge difference in an adolescent male. I bet you wouldn't card me if I had my beard. Fuck it, I'm growing a beard. You should just pour my shit and risk the fine pal. (This is the beginning of a bar hate motif)

3) Eating Bread with Wild Abandon
Because gluten.

4) Trying to Understand Young People with Their Young-People Music
Who are you, fucking Andy Rooney? Give me a god damn break man, that Ariana Grande song with Zedd is catchy as shit.

5) Drinking Four Loko or a Jägergrenade
A Jägergrenade is a special kind of Jägerbomb that somehow incorporates a shot of tequila into the mix. A sidewalk slammer is when you drink a bottle of OE down to the label, fill the rest with Four Loko, and wake up on a stranger's lawn covered in mysterious contusions without your wallet or phone.
That's a very timely Four Loko reference, are they still in production. And this is very akin to his blow comment. Like listen to these RAD DRINKS I GOT FUCKED UP ON BACK WHEN I WAS YOUNG AND AWESOME, but totally don't drink anymore because I'm 25 and old. He doesn't even bother informing the reader that OE means a 40 of Olde English, you should just know that bro.

6) Panicking at an ATM
When you get to 25 you are so over this guessing game that it's not even funny. Fuck ATMs, and fuck banks. Fuck that tiny cash-machine troll who loves to deny you the ability to go see a movie or eat a decent meal. But also—crucially—fuck having to pay for a pack of Ramen noodles with a mug full of dimes. Basically, by the time you're 25, you should just take a few minutes to figure out how to manage your dough.

Ya fuck poor people. By 25 you should be eating nothing but filet and lobster for every meal. But for real, I see his perspective, you shouldn't need ATMs at this point, you can get a Four Loko and an OE for like 4 bucks at a 7/11 and most coke dealers take Square now.

7) Experimenting with a Haircut
Says this fucking guy...

8) Talking to Anyone Under the Age of 22
You must never talk to anyone under the age of 22! They are 3/5 of a person! Wait but what about your opening sentence?

I don't know how old you are. I don't care, is the thing, because once you hit 25 you absolutely stop caring about the age, names, and personal details of people around you

Ok apparently you stop caring about age UNLESS THAT MOTHERFUCKER IS UNDER 22. Presumably you are allowed to circle that person's 22nd birthday like you would a celebrity on the cusp on 18. Looking at you Chloe Moretz.

9) Engaging in Small Talk
Sometimes I get introduced to people and I say, "Oh, nice to meet you," and they say, "Uhhh, we've met before." That's when you decide to never speak to that person again, if you can help it. Think about it: If they were that good at small talk, you would have remembered them.

Instead of being embarrassed when you don't remember someone's name, just punch them in the face, because they are unworthy of your attention. It's their fault for being boring, it has nothing to do with the Four Loko you were drinking last time you saw her.

10) Taking Convoluted Subway Rides
11) Shopping at the Mall
12) Having Terrible Friends

No one takes convoluted subway rides or cabs to the mall anymore pal. I only take Ubers with my friends that are cool as fuck.

13) Bad One-Night Stands
Pretending to care about people's jobs in PR is the absolute definition of hell. Pretending to care long enough to seduce them, accompany them on a 15-minute cab ride, navigate their tiny, dark apartment, knock a lamp over, and awkwardly fuck them?

Honestly, I would probably rather go home and jerk off. But that wouldn't be a good enough story for my terrible friends.

14) Spring Break
If you're 25 or older and this idea seems appealing, I can't help you.

Ya man, taking a week off work and going on vacations with your terrible friends is probably a really horrible time.

15) The Bitter, Bitter End of a Night Out

Next time it hits 3 AM and you run out of ideas and someone asks, "Where next?" experiment with saying, "Let's go to our separate homes and sleep." Nothing good has ever come out of trekking through the snow to the only bar anyone can think of that might possibly be open.

But what about taking a convoluted Subway ride to a bar that might possibly be open. More likely to happen at 3am? Trekking through the snow. Heyoooo

16) Hangovers
When you get to be 25 and realize the solution is literally just "drink a glass of water" and maybe "eat a banana," you feel really, really dumb.

That's it? I can't believe I've never tried drinking a glass of fucking water. Seriously I hope this guy dies of AIDS.

17) Waiting in Line
Once you're aware of your own mortality, waiting in line to ride some spinning tea cups is basically impossible.

Waiting in lines is for peasants bro. I can't even.

18) Kissing Bartenders' Asses
I am sick of acting like the person handing me a drink is doing me some huge favor. I'm not your friend: This is a business transaction, and I'm not some 21-year-old who's not gonna tip you. Also, your job is to pour liquid into dirty cups, occasionally pick those cups up when I am done with them, and sometimes drop the cups in a stack on the floor. You're not Jesus, all right? You're a dude who wears a bottle opener attachment on his belt.

Second in the bartender hate series! I guarantee some bartender fucked this guy's girlfriend once. Good for him.

19) Not Having the Heating On
Wearing every sweater you own at once is not the adult option.

Ok so this guy really hates bartenders and people that have trouble paying the bills. There was one more things I remember him hating we'll get to it I'm sure.

20) Festivals
I went to Bonnaroo once when I was 20 and didn't have fun.

Cool story bro. It's probably because you didn't do enough drugs to impress people.

21) Utilizing Presents from Cheap Relatives
Your grandma/aunt/whoever was cheap for giving you such a shitty present, but you're even cheaper if you're willing to be covered in glitter and smell like a goddamn pineapple for a month to save $4. 

Your loving thoughtful family members that went out of their way to do something nice for you are SHIT. But if you actually use that gift, you're fucking worse.

22) Reading Blogs
LOL irony!

23) Pregnancy Scares
If I have to listen to another friend cry about how she might be pregnant, I'm going to kill myself. I don't know, maybe you should stop being mad at your dad and therefore fucking random ecstasy dealers you meet at bars

This guy is a goddam enigma, this is like a lazy slut shaming trope that I would expect to see on a sloppy Brobible article. Glad he got one more drug reference in though, just so we know he' cool.

24) Any Text Message Longer Than 200 Characters
But this blog post of 2000 words is fine.

25) Fingering
This obviously doesn't count for lesbians, but for straight people it's like come on. You guys can do p-in-v stuff! Fingering your girlfriend when you have a dick is basically really rude. It's the equivalent of loudly complaining about how boooring it is to play basketball when you're standing right next to a kid in a wheelchair. I hate you.

I didn't edit any of that. That's a direct quote. He actually fucking said Lesbians are ok. I'll bet the lesbians of the world are thrilled to have staff writer Joel Golby's permission to go ahead and FINGER AWAY.

And oh shit, that's the third thing he hates. Fingering of all things? Poor twentysomethings, bars and jousting below the belt. (Fingering is and always will be the shit by the way...with or without cocaine on your fingertips)

Conclusion: This guy is the fucking worst. I mean at age 25 you've basically been out of college for a little over two years. I don't know where this clown gets off, I certainly hope he's never paid to write again. He manages to be sexist, misogynistic and anti-youth all at the same time, furthering my suspicion that this article was actually written by Andy Rooney's ghost.
What's the deal with cell phones?
You're never too old to do anything. If you can physically accomplish it and want to, you should. This is your life, it is what you make it. You should never let anyone else tell you otherwise. 

And Vice, get your shit together, because as of now...ya suspect.




Thursday, November 20, 2014

Choose Your Own Adventure


If you hate my intros skip to (***)

I have been sleeping on a free mattress since I moved to California.

Basically I bought one of those shitty metal frames off of a guy on Craigslist 3 years ago and he said I could have the mattress from his guest room for an extra 10 bucks. It is and has always been the shittiest mattress ever. I never slept well, girls would complain. I was embarrassed of it to be honest with you. So one day I went down to Ikea, bought a bed frame and ordered a mattress online.

I went home that day, bought a case of beer, recreationally took an Adderall and started building some Swedish bed frame. It was awesome, I felt like I was moving into the frat again. Pretty early on in the process, I realized my old bed and new bed could not co-exist in my small room. I made the decision to toss my shitty mattress in the alley for some homeless man to claim. The thinking was, my mattress will be here in a couple days, I'll just sleep on the couch. I like sleeping on the couch, I do it all the time, I have a 14 foot television screen. It will be fun.

That was a month ago.

Due to unforeseen delays, it has taken a month for my mattress to be delivered. A few days in, I realized I couldn't sleep on the couch anymore so I built a pillow fort in my room like I was a five year old playing having a slumber party in the basement. Now for whatever reason pillow forts are not as comfortable as I remember. I've basically just been sleeping on the floor for a month. It's awful. But there was one unintended consequence...

When you live in a pillow fort there is an unwritten understanding that you are going home alone. (I mean this is me most nights anyway, but I have an excuse) That part is great. I feel no pressure to stay coherent, behave like a gentlemen, even talk to girls. If I find myself sucking face on the dance floor I don't have to come up with a clever way to get this girl back to my place. It's just not happening. I live in a pillow fort. Sure there is the possibility of an away game, but those are really kinda shitty post college. Walking down third street on a Friday morning after a taboo sorority shack was glamorous. Waking up in Mar Vista with a dead phone is a much more dubious situation.

I imagine this is what it feels like when your girlfriend goes out of town.  Not like 'ah yeahhh I'm gonna fuck all the little sluts tonight.' But more like 'I can stay out all night drinking whiskey and smoking cigarettes and no one is going to say shit.' It's liberating in a way. Like as a single guy I can do these things anyway, but then I will feel guilty about it. Like 'man I better not take this last shot...just in case.'

But that all ends tomorrow, just in time for everyone to leave. Yes, while all my friends retreat to their hometowns to eat turkey I will be getting my first good night's sleep in over 30 days.

I'm not going home for Thanksgiving this year, I'm not going to Chicago or St. Louis or Sacramento. I'm staying here-ish...

***I've decided to go on an adventure. I'm not sure yet. Perhaps one of you will push me one way or the other by agreeing to come with me. Speaking of adventures, RA Montgomery died this week. He was the creator of Choose Your Own Adventure books. I have 2 distinct memories of those books from when I was a little kid.

1. Give Yourself Goosebumps #9 - The Knight in Screaming Armor.
Yes Goosebumps had their own Choose Your Own series and it was dope. But this book was the one that I could never seem to survive. No matter what I chose, the Evil Knight always hacked my head of with a sword or turned me into a baby or some shit. I'm convinced that by 1996 RL Stine was just fucking with me.

2. Playoff Champion - Choose Your Own Adventure #135
In the original series' run, the author was much less likely to kill you, but there were equally devastating outcomes like 'getting grounded' or 'losing the big game.' Towards the end of Playoff Champion, you hit a triple with 2 outs in the bottom of the 9th inning. The score is tied, your best hitter is coming to the plate. Conventional wisdom would have you wait for Homerun Henry to hit a walk-off...or you could steal home. No one ever steals home anymore, it is stuff of legend. People like Jackie Robinson used to steal home, but he was Jackie fucking Robinson...and black people have an additional calf muscle. But I said fuck it and decided to steal home like a bad ass. I caught the pitcher off guard but he easily threw the ball to home plate in time to catch me, only I rammed the catcher and he DROPPED THE BALL. It was basically just like the ending of A League of Their Own, except Geena Davis dropped that ball on purpose, fuck Kit. My team ends up winning and I think my character gets a blowjob from the town hottie, which is weird because it's a kids book.

I liked these books a lot. I miss these books. So in honor of RA Montgomery's passing, I give you a Choose Your Own column. What follows is a second person adventure that you and I are going on over Thanksgiving. Choose wisely.

Are you feeling outdoorsy or do you prefer an international escapade.

Feeling outdoorsy skip to paragraph X if you want to cross some borders go to paragraph Y.

X Fuck yeah, this is California you say, why go somewhere cold and rainy when it's a balmy 80 degrees on the beach?

So you grab your friend Dave early Thanksgiving morning and head to the Venice Breakwater to catch some waves. What better way to celebrate the pilgrims murdering the indigenous people than pay tribute to Point Break.

You and Dave spend about an hour in the water when he says he has had enough. You see a great set approaching and respond to him...

A. Sounds good man, let's call it and go grab a beer. (Go to section XA)
B. I'll see you on the shore, I'm gonna catch one last wave. (Go to section XB)

XA. You and Dave walk by Nikki's in hope of grabbing a beer, but it's 8am. Of course it's not open. Bummer. Dave throws out the idea of driving up to Mountain High, it's only 90 minutes away? How many people can say they've surfed and skied in the same day. Pretty legendary way to spend Thanksgiving. You and Dave head up to the mountain and shred for five hours before you decide it's time to grab some pints down at the lodge. While watching a game at the bar you meet twins from Vancouver vacationing in LA for Thanksgiving. They invite you to their Air Bnb in Malibu for a proper turkey dinner. You arrive at the Malibu rental home, Richard Branson is there because he is their uncle to the twins. After several bottles of wine Sir Richard suggests a quick trip to space on Virgin Galactic.
Do you go with Sir Richard to space? Yes or No

Yes- You take Richard up on his offer and he has his private driver take you to Vandenberg Air Force Base. Your vessel incinerates on take-off, you and Sir Richard Branson are burned alive. Dave stayed behind to have a 3some with his twin nieces. The End.

NO- You tell Sir Richard in light of recent events you think you'll keep your feet on the ground. He has a good laugh and decides he's had too much to drink. Moments after he puts himself to bed one of the twins takes you to the hot tub. Greatest Thanksgiving ever. The End.

XB. You tell Dave, 'one more wave man' as the set approaches you begin to paddle toward shore, a monster 10 foot wave picks you up and SLAMS you on the rocks. You feel your arm break under the brute force of the wave. You remain conscious and start to paddle back to shore with your one good arm, only to see the pool of blood grow larger around you. The last thing you see is Dave getting a girl's number on a beach...then the shark bites down and pulls you under. The End.

Y. Yo, let's go somewhere. Let's get out of town! The two of you book an Air Bnb in Rosarito, Mexico and start driving south. After what seems like forever waiting at the border you enter Mexico. You pull up to your resort. Beautiful, fully stocked bar, ocean views, pool, hot tub. You begin to make some margaritas in the brand new blender when there is a knock at the door. A short Mexican man named Jorge asks if you are "looking to party." Do you say SI o NO GRACIAS?

Si - Even though you have heard about these situations, you are inherently unafraid of Mexicans. They're short and funny looking, how could they possibly harm you? The short man gives you an allotment of party favors for 1000 pesos and tells you to meet him at a bar later. You and Dave drink and smoke all afternoon, it's a great time. After a while you meet a few latin chicas at the hot tub and invite them to join you at the bar with Jorge, they oblige and the next thing you know, the five of you are doing body shots at a watering whole named EL BURRO. You black out.

Next thing you know you open your eyes to see you are tied up. The two girls you brought with you are standing in front of you, smiling. "Silly cabron, you should have stayed in America for Thanksgiving." They set you up! Jorge enters the room holding a large machete smiling ear to ear.
"Take it, take it all!" You plead. You look over to Dave, tied up across the room. He struggles as Jorge draws his knife down Dave's cheek, drawing blood. "It's time to teach you Americans a lesson. Mexico is not your personal playground." Jorge turns his attention to you, but while he isn't looking Dave is able to slip his ropes. In a daring play, Dave throws the women aside and kicks Jorge in the groin. Dave picks up the knife and cuts you loose just in time for one of the girls to pull out a gun and shoot you in the dick. Your last vision is of Dave lopping off the shooter's head with the machete. Avenged, you die peacefully.

NO GRACIAS- You have seen enough Robert Rodriguez movies to know that this is always the downfall for the protagonists, plus like all of your friends warned you that going to Mexico would be dangerous. You politely tell the man thanks, but no thanks and go make another Margarita. A few minutes later two American girls knock on your door. "Hey do you guys have any ice? We ran out and I don't want to use what is in our freezer. I heard it gives you Dysentery."

You invite the girls in and give them some ice. After a few Margs the four of you become friendly, playing drinking games and telling stories. One of the girls suggests that the four of you do Thanksgiving dinner together. She and Dave walk across the complex to start cooking. The remaining girl and you lay down on the couch and flip on the TV. You get to HBO and see that Love Actually is playing, part of you wants to change the channel because it isn't Christmas yet, but your new friend grabs your hand.
"Don't. I love this movie."

You lean in and kiss her because you realize that you have finally met your soul mate. Dave and her friend return with Thanksgiving dinner and the four of you spend the rest of the weekend eating, drinking and watching Christmas movies together. At the conclusion of the weekend, your vacation girlfriend invited you back to Hidden Hills, CA to hang out at her place. You oblige because, why the hell not. You get there and are greeted by Kourtney Kardashian. It turns out your little Tijuana lover is Kendall Jenner, you just didn't recognize her without make-up. You and Kanye hit it off while talking about 90's post-grunge pop. His favorite album of the decade was Third Eye Blind self titled. You move into the guest house with Kendall and join the season 12 cast of KUWTK. You and Brody become best bros.  It's a weird Thanksgiving, but like pretty cool too. The end.

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Summer Catch 2: How to Lose a Guy in 13 Days

Subject 6 liked big black cocks and apparently mediocre beer.
This morning while I was pondering what to blog about several ideas and corresponding hot takes popped into my head:

1. I think Kim Kardashian's ass is gross, and I think the only people that like it are black men. The reason Kimmy K's ass failed to break the internet is because the white people were too busy on Reddit talking about us landing on a comet...and Boost Mobile doesn't support 4G data speeds yet.
(This has been my mildly racist thought of the day)

2. I don't understand people that complain about the weather. Just move. It's that easy. I assure you, you can get a shitty staffing job at Aerotek in any major US city.

3. The Top 3 Too Many Cooks characters and which Greek House they would have been in at IU.
3) Victoria Sun - Delta Zeta (Because she is extremely eager to get naked)
2) Katie Adkins - Chi O (There is precedent for this)
1) Smarf - AEPi (Universally beloved by stoners)

4. The top questions that Sarah Koenig is not asking on Serial right now.

SK: Adnan, did you ever have sex with Stephanie?
SK: ADNAN DID YOU EVER HAVE SEX WITH STEPHANIE?!?

AS: Um, ya...but like I didn't talk about it, because I didn't want to sound like a piece of shit.

SK: YOU STUPID FUCK, IT GIVES JAY MOTIVE! JAY DID IT BECAUSE YOU FUCKED HIS GIRLFRIEND AND THEN HE FRAMED YOU!

But I eventually decided not to pursue any of those, because Alex Hassan got picked up by the Oakland A's today.

Now if you made it through a socioeconomic/racist joke packaged as women's body bashing, a slam on the midwest and the low level sales jobs many of my old friends have, some slut shaming and a little reference to a sorority house massacre, please stay tuned because it is about to get a lot worse.

So who is Alex Hassan? Alex is a right handed Center Fielder out of Quincy, MA. He boasts good arm strength and surprising opposite field power at the plate...and of course he was #6 on the Duke fuck list.

Oh you don't remember?

Back in 2010 a hero named Karen F. Owen wrote a thesis on a 13 Duke athletes she had sex with
She eventually posted a 50 slide presentation with her clinical findings.

Karen would describe the evening in question of how she met each "subject" and then describe their hook-up in detail. Afterword she would describe "Memorable moments," Pros, Cons and finally attribute a raw score to each experience based on a number of factors: Physical attractiveness, dick size, talent, creativity, aggressiveness, entertainment, athletic ability and bonus.

If you have a spare moment, I would urge you to read her entire report. Not only is it fascinating based on content alone, it is incredibly well written. While I can understand why everyone freaked out when this story broke, the flip side is that there is a cost of doing business when you take home a notorious jersey chaser, an assumption of risk if you will.

What you will read below is what I direct messaged Karen Owen on Facebook today. It is not a request for an interview or in any way an indictment on anything she has ever done, just a friendly film pitch.

Hey Karen,
My name is Dave. I'm a young writer living in LA. I work primarily in television as an assistant while I work on my own original pilots. Recently I have been really into the idea of viral internet mistakes. Over the summer I wrote a pilot inspired by the Cunt Punt email. It got some traction, I basically took the idea of a mistake made years in the past that comes back to bite you and threw in some J-Swipe jokes. It was pretty good, it has some traction, we'll see.

I'm reaching out to you, to see if you have ever explored the idea of adapting An Education Beyond the Classroom into a feature film (we'll come up with a better working title...something like My Horizontal Life, it will bring back nostalgia for 'my so-called life') Specifically, write an R-rated romantic comedy. Seriously, it will be super easy to get made. I know a fairly famous TV actor, he'll do it, and then we'll just attach a chick who has like a million followers on Vine. How do you think shit like "That Awkward Moment" "Two Night Stand" "What's Your Number?" get made...hell "He's Fucking Perfect" sold for like a billion dollars five years ago and I don't think they even made it.

What we have here is like a perfect storm of R rated romantic comedy tropes. You are a hot chick that behaves like a stereotypical frat bro, drinking too much, acting kinda slutty, hell I bet there was even some drug use that you omitted. It's the movie that everyone WANTS to make now, but is afraid to. And the international component? Genius! We get the Canadian guy that speaks French AND the Australian lover? HELLO FOREIGN BOX OFFICE!

Sure, your character is kind of shallow, but that's fine. We'll have you save a cat in the first 10 pages and then anything else you do the rest of the movie will automatically be forgiven, like when you cost that dude with the small dick his job at Goldman? No one gives a fuck...wah wah bad economy movies are so 2012, 2014 is the year of the strong female protagonist. And how about that story with the guy that couldn't get it up until you played 'Ruff Ryders Anthem?' BOOM. DATED SOUNDTRACK! Ever hear of a little movie called Guardians of the Galaxy? I'm pretty sure they just print their own money now.

We could take the plot in so many directions. The obvious angle that jumps off the page is you are actually writing this piece for a small lifestyle magazine in Manhattan and meet a charming Minor League baseball player from a working class family, you accidentally fall in love, but then he mows your lawn and you run the piece. Somehow he tracks you down on the Booklyn Bridge and sings "You're So Vein" while holding a love fern. Matthew Lillard is involved.

Ok, so that's just a mash up of How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days and Summer Catch, I haven't had time to outline this out properly.

But like you see where I'm going with this right? 13 sexual partners isn't that big of a deal anymore, and like who hasn't made a joke about premature ejaculation to their friends before. I think we're looking at a four quadrant hit. The bros will love it, the feminists will love it, the sorority girls of the world will feel validated. Ok, so maybe every person over the age of 30 will find this concept wholy despicable. But...whatever fuck them. Independent film is about being niche. The flyover states probably didn't like the extended dong shots in Shame either but that movie got nominated for a Golden Globe (I feel like Fassbender would earn an excellent review by you, at least in one category)

So look, we'll just tell the story of you doing this whole thought experiment because you wanted to. You're an independent 21st century woman. We'll paint all the guys as somewhat douchey, except one who we'll eventually pair you up with to live happily ever after. We'll give him a fat funny friend played by Josh Gad. I think we can do this whole thing for a budget of like a million bucks.

What I need from you is a 12 month option for a dollar. If we get a studio to bite, I'll co-write with you and hopefully we'll sell it to a WGA signatory production company so we can get that dope ass writer's insurance. I've been needing to get my wisdom teeth out. Or maybe we'll do a kickstarter. I'm sure the world wants to know what you've been up to. Maybe you want a normal, quiet life in like rural Maine. If that's the case, just give me the rights and I'll cut you in on the back end as a silent partner. If you are interested in writing, I'm not currently managed, but I'm hip pocketed by someone at Mosaic. They could probably get you a low level agent somewhere shitty like Gersh if you're into that kinda thing. Let me know. I'm here to help.

Again Karen, I was blown away by your literary talent when I read this thesis four years ago and still find it incredibly compelling. Your style is edgy, witty, almost Lena Dunhamesque but without making me want to commit suicide, twice. I am not bullshitting you. I appreciate your time and look forward to your response.

Best,
Dave

So that's that. I mean, all the people that reached out on Facebook with interest in developing that Molly bender story in Colorado...that's still happening, but like we may need to just quit our day jobs and start AWOL Films because there are too many good tales of young people misbehaving that aren't being told right now. We may not be the heroes that Gen Y deserves, but definitely the storytellers they need.


Friday, November 7, 2014

How to get away with Murder

I didn't take this picture, hence the annoying watermark.
I literally just realized you can't get through life strictly with cockiness and charm. Well you can probably get through, but I imagine a smirk alone doesn't get you far. This is just a jedi mind trick that works with like minded college aged kids. However, in the real world, a devil may care attitude is more likely to dust up repressed emotions of a high school bully or the frat guy a girl regrettably blew in a janitor's closet than to elicit a weak in the knees feeling. Thus I have been trying to modify some of my actions as of late. I am a douche bag, and that much will always be true. Here is an example of my douchiness from TODAY.

I ran down to set to drop something off on set and was greeted by a nervous looking PA.

"What's wrong?"

"I don't know, you just make me nervous."

"I have that effect on women." Smirk. Walk off.

Now in my head, I was Jorma Taccone from that episode of Girls where he said that incredibly cocky thing that caused Allison Williams to immediately run into an alley and touch herself. I wanted to drop a metaphorical mic for being so quick thinking on my feet.

But it's not cool. It sounds fucking rapey at worst, creepy at best. "I make women nervous...SMIRK, WINK and then I eat them for dinner!!!!!" It's like I forget that most chicks in LA aren't former Chi Os. They're art school kids that belong to an improv troupe.

Jesus Christ, what a wreck, I promise I'll focus on doing better.

But it doesn't always backfire spectacularly, sometimes not giving a fuck can be your greatest asset (I'm sure that there are essays that prove this point, though instead of calling it "not giving a fuck" they call it Ayn Rand Third Wave Objectivism) case in point, I am exceptionally good at getting into places I do not belong. I almost always figure out a way to get into music festivals for free and I never pay over face for a ticket to other events. So join me as I share with you a tale about The Santa Monica Airport, Alabama Shakes and a bunch of really really bad spiked cider.

All of the following events take place on November 6, 2014.

8pm: I am in one of the few industries where I am told when I have to come to work and when I can leave. It usually doesn't bother me, unless I have something super cool to go to. It's probably for the best though, because if I had any say in things I'm pretty sure I would never show up before 10am and always leave at 4. This is not a recipe for success. I literally sat at my computer from 8pm and did absolutely nothing outside of watch the pilot for 'Mike Tyson Mysteries' and Too Many Cooks (seriously, fucking watch it) I now have a burning desire to turn into a stoner and spend hours a day watching Adult Swim

830pm: I have now been at work for 12 hours today, my boss should be telling me to leave, but I imagine that the exact moment that I am to be excused from work is not the first thing on everyone's mind. They are probably thinking about relationships, what to have for dinner, who really killed JFK. I could speak up and say something but no one wants to get a reputation for someone who... "Dave go home." *Gets up without saying a word and sprints out the back door*

9pm: God dammit, the Santa Monica airport is a fucking nightmare. I don't know what I thought an eventbrite for a FREE Alabama Shakes show with FREE beer in an abandoned hangar was going to be exclusive. Jesus, every white person in LA must be here, ironic since the lead singer of this band is black. Actually maybe not, following the Beyonce theory that white people listen to black music because it makes them feel less racist. But seriously am I ever going to find a parking spot? Oh fuck ya, is that a golf cart spot? My Mini game is TIGHT!

915pm: Ok I have erroneously landed at the VIP parking gate, flashing my shitty E-Ticket in the air. I am dismissed for the chump that I am. But this affords me the first of many opportunities to see the desperate attempts of girls to get in.

"Ma'm we are at capacity, and this is the VIP entrance, you will need to go to the General Admision gate and wait in line like everyone else."

"Oh no, it's fine. I know Allen."

"Who is Allen?"

"Um, he's like the guy that's in charge. He told me to go to the VIP gate and drop his name. So like I said, it's cool."

"I do not know an Allen."

"It's fine, I'll call him."

"Ma'm, I don't give a fuck who Allen is, you are not getting in this gate."

The soul crushing look on her face screams "You just killed my designer Labrodoodle." This could be a plot synopsis for a female driven remake of John Wick, I imagine Paris Hilton starring in this direct to DVD thriller.

930pm: I've made it to the GA. It is not a good scene. The fire marshal has completely shut down the gate and there are a lot of entitled white kids that have opinions on it.

"But my Dad works for Mercedes."

"I am friends with the opener's tour manager."

"But sir, I only came out for a cigarette, and I left my inhaler inside, if you do not let me in right now, you could be an accessory to MURDER." (Go hard or go home I suppose)

You will notice during, I have said nothing. You do not want to stand out when it looks like you may have to enter a venue by suspicious means. Keep a low profile, this way if you have to slip through a gate or grease a roadie no one will remember you.

Just then a group of Hollywood Persians show up...this should be good. My god they took an Uber SUV for 3 of them. What a bunch of ass clowns, they are wearing suits and lots of gold.

"Um excuse me, WE have tickets"

It's as if they thought that everyone else that showed up just heard about the event on Twitter and said, eh what the hell maybe security is lax.

"Sir everyone has tickets. No one is getting in."

(An aside to fellow Persian) "Yo my homey has a VIP ticket he can email us...that will totally get us in."

"I heard that, VIP tickets will also not get you in. All Access passes are the only thing getting through the door right now."

Moments pass...

"Yo my man, we got VIP tickets now. We're good right?"

"Do you think because someone emailed you one VIP ticket I'm just going to say fuck it and let you 3 in ahead of these people who have been waiting for over an hour?"

"But it says VIP"

"Get the fuck out of here."

945pm: My dad used to say "God gave you 2 ears and one mouth for a reason." I used to think it was because he was being a dick. But now I knew he had a point. Instead of wasting my time looking for weaknesses in the fence or a unathletic guard I could run past, I knew I needed a Mercedes Benz All Access lanyard. I had seen a few throughout the night. Mainly the old people, I would imagine this was the client. There was also a short fat guy that kept bringing out "talent" passes to hot chicks. He is probably some manager type, I imagine he had never felt more important in his life.

Who else would need all access to the venue.

Security...Too many people watching, it would never work. Plus I only had 20 bucks, these guys aren't going to risk their job for 20 bucks.

Someone Leaving...My first idea, plus a guy with his chick would probably just give his pass to me upon leaving. Taking the 20 bucks would be a poor person move. That said, if you invite a girl to Alabama Shakes, you aren't leaving after the opener.

So again, I had to think of someone that was working the event, not self righteous enough to give a shit about me getting in, and not in danger of losing their job.

Then I saw him. A parking guy with not one, but two passes around his neck. Why did the valet guys have passes? All these guys were doing was literally opening and closing a gate so that VIP pass vans and Crew trucks could get through a gate. I saw this guy light a cigarette and I immediately knew that he was my guy.

"Hey man, 20 bucks for your VIP pass."

"30"

"Have you gotten a single tip tonight? I have 20 bucks and I want one, AND I just gave you the idea to sell the other one, that's worth an extra 10."

"Ite."

Boom. I held up my VIP pass and the crowd parted for me like I was fucking Moses. The stern door man enthusiastically pulled the rope back for me. It helped that I was dressed like an eccentric dipshit, wearing Salmon pants and a David Beckham jersey, the type of spoiled brat look that Golden Voice producers probably go for. I bypassed a second line and security whisked me backstage to a seat right next to Alabama Shakes' sound mixer. Tonight was going to be awesome.

1015pm: Because Mercedes Benz underestimated how much privileged white kids like to drink, they quickly ran out of all alcohol. Even the VIP bar that I was privy to had only "Whiskey cider" left. I do not know what whiskey cider is, but it is not good. I have never failed to get drunk because I could not take the taste of whatever dreadful spirit I was embibing, last night I got close.

Whiskey cider tastes essentially what I imagine Butter Beer tastes like. This is why no one in the wizarding world of Harry Potter gets turnt. They like the idea of drinking alcohol, but after one or two of these, you have had enough. I soldiered through and knocked down about 8 until I received the requisite buzz to find my friends and dance. I tried to leave, but a security guard stopped me. Perhaps the jig was up.

1030pm: What are you doing back here man?

Oh, I was just...I'm heading inside to the main area, sorry.

Sorry? Man this backstage shit is whack, your all access pass gets you to the green room. Go right through that door, they got top shelf shit.

The green room is in like the air traffic control room of this small private airport and is sponsored by KIND bars. It's covered in them among other things. There are about 10 hot chicks in there, and that short dip shit from earlier. We enjoy a few drinks together before inevitably he tries to size up how I got into the inner circle.

"So what do you do for Mercedes, you're with client right?"

"Um...well actually I'm a writer."

"For like their commercials? Print campaign, I thought they would have an agency."

"Oh no, like on television. I write for the Newsroom (lie! but I've worked on it and know the writers if a further line of questioning starts, always know your fake story thoroughly) and uh...one of our consultants is an attorney for MBUSA. He knows I'm a big fan so he uh...got me this."

"DUDE. I FUCKING LOVE THE NEWSROOM (Uh oh) I manage the Shakes. Want to meet them? (yah kinda) "We watch Newsroom on the bus sometimes, I bet you even wrote one of the episodes." (Probably not)

Exit strategy.

"I think I'm gonna go get lost in the crowd for a bit man, nice to meet you."

"Well let me get your number bro, me, you, these honeys (he legit called the girls next to him 'the honeys') and Shakes...we're going out tonight."

Gave fake number, got the fuck out.

11:00pm: I'm now watching the show with some friends in the main area. There are a lot of people making out. I wouldn't have pegged this as hook-up music. Man I hope I don't see that short shit again, it will be weird if he calls me on my lie.

I make it to the end of the show and for half a moment (the whiskey cider had kicked in at this point) imagined what kind of night I could have if I really dove all in went out with the Shakes, similar to last week at Hard Day of the Dead when a guy offered to buy a ticket off of me entirely in acid and Molly...man 23 year old me would be all over that shit. But at this point in the evening, I just really wanted McDonalds.

1159pm: I take the last bite of my Double Cheeseburger and crawl into my floor fort (still no bed) I saw a killer show, had an adventure and crushed some golden arches, all for the reasonable price of about $23. It was a good night and it probably would have never happened if I wasn't an arrogant dickhead. There is a time for adult behavior and rational thought and a time for reckless abandon. When it comes to sneaking into a show I always advise the latter. Have a nice weekend everyone.

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Rock the Vote: Forgotten Issues Guide

Pikachu cat's finishing move...killing you with cuteness.
I am going to vote today. I am going to vote and then I am going to go to Whole Foods on Rose tonight while wearing the SHIT out of my "I voted" sticker. Anyone I see NOT wearing an "I voted" sticker I will automatically assume is a communist or a terrorist or both (Oh you don't know about the commie terrorists? Clearly you haven't seen the Independent Film 'The East.')

I vote not because I have any strong feelings of social responsibility, nor do I have any personal preference on many of the issues. I doubt my vote will make a difference, I vote merely so I have something to be self righteous about the rest of the day and it doesn't hurt that I get to leave work for an hour or so.

Some of the hard hitting issues in this California election? The Governor for one. The current Governor is some dude who has literally been running the state off and on since 1975, entire empires rise and fall in forty years, mafias rule for shorter, how this guy has stayed relevant for this long is incredible, but he will probably win re-election because he is running against some guy with last name Kashkari.

Elsewhere in the state people are voting on serious issues such as what to do with the Santa Monica Airport.

See Santa Monica has an airport where all the rich people that live on the west side fly their G5s in and out of. But they take off and land right over the poor area of Santa Monica. Those people are pissed because it's loud and annoying, but these are the same people that have annoying signs in their yard that say "Drive like your children play here." Well I don't have kids, and there is like a one percent chance that I will be able to afford a private jet one day, LET THE RICH PEOPLE HAVE THEIR AIRPORT!

The point I am getting at is the real issues are boring this midterm election. No vote on legalizing any drug, no measure to extend the bar hours in Los Angeles (COME ON) no referendum forcing a standard of hygiene requirement before boarding the Green Line metro...in short, I'm rather apathetic about the issues presented.

However, in the spirit of Democracy, I have curated some issues that I would like to see discussed more in the national eye.

MEASURE GTFO: Ban Lena Dunham from telling stories about her youth.

Argument for: Lena Dunham recently released her stupid book of essays which she is calling a 'memoir' (at the age of 26!) In it she talks all about her lesbian sister's vagina and how she was obsessed with it at age 7. Apparently she just couldn't help herself so she 'played doctor' on her three year old sister's vagina, and found rocks in there or something.

This is fucking weird, but no weirder than any other curious seven year old I suppose. What is weird is talking about it...oh and then later she talks about masturbating in a bed when she was 17 and her then 10 year old sister was laying next to her. That's seriously fucked up...I don't even MB with an animal in the room out of shame. This dumb hipster bitch should just shut the fuck up with all her weirdness, whininess and oh my god the female body is beautiful. Some bodies are beautiful, yours is not. Go lock yourself in a vault and count your money.

Argument against: The author of the argument for measure GTFO is clearly jealous of Ms. Dunham's success, as are a million other aspiring writers looking to exploit the millenial experience. Measure GTFO is a clear cut case of censorship. If you can't discuss confused children exploring their sexuality, what is next banning books? You know Russia banned the book Nineteen Eighty Four, banning books like Nineteen Eighty Four sounds like something that would happen in the plot of Nineteen Eighty Four.

REFERENDUM P: Re-Establish Pikachu as America's Pokemon.

Argument for: Pikachu is a homey. He is cute. He follows you around and chills. He kicks ass in Super Smash Bros. Pikachu is comfortable with silence, you could totally just watch a Comedy with Pikachu, he would sit on the couch and laugh when appropriate. Pikachu can go out to the bars with you and charge your phone if it dies, he is also a chick magnet. Bitches love Pikachu. I do fuck with Pikachu. He might not be the best at Pokemon, but he is the best Pokemon.

Argument Against: Get that whack ass stuffed animal out of here. Yes we concede Pikachu is cute, but that's what he is. He has the utility of Boo the dog. America's Pokemon is Charizard, because America is the best and so is Charizard. He is a god damn dragon. And he's the sickest dragon. Charizard would fuck up the Game of Thrones dragons. My man can destroy entire villages in a matter of seconds. ISIS would not fuck with Charizard, Charizard could enforce MEASURE GTFO (if you write a single word Charizard will turn you into ash) Charizard can light a joint for you. (Medical of course) And remember, if you need cute, Charmander isn't bad either.

PROPOSITION FOUR Legalize original formula Four Loko.

Argument for: I've never understood why it's cool to be a crusader for the legalization of marijuana but not things like cocaine or ecstasy. When will rappers like Rick Ross start ripping lines at their concerts and writing songs about #legalizewhite or Trinidad James could rewrite his hit 'All Gold Everything' to say something like "Pop the molly I'm feeling good about everything and appreciating my fellow humans...and sweating...WOO!" But those are far down the road for us pro-drug enthusiasts, let's start with a simple drink that is full of a bunch of legal ingredients that allows twentysomethings to fully appreciate their youth and what it means to be young. And by that we mean, black out but still stay awake partying for a super long time. This is the American dream.

Argument against: Four Loko ruins lives. Seriously, it is as bad or worse than heroin, meth, Ebola, that shit that turns people into zombies and makes people eat other people's faces. In fact, I think that will be the big twist at the end of The Walking Dead, everyone drank too much Four Loko. Literally the best thing that can possibly happen when you get drunk on Four Loko is you wake up naked outside your house with 24 hour amnesia. Again, this is the best possible scenario. This shit should be locked away with Smallpox and whatever else we keep in a guarded vault just in case chemical warfare becomes a path America choses to pursue.

BUT SERIOUSLY

You should get out and vote. A bunch of people died not so you could sit on your ass deciding what witty remark you say on Hinge will maximize your chance of getting a blowjob but so you can decide if you want free parking in your neighborhood or the future of rent control on your apartment.
I would also urge you to vote for things like allowing same sex couples to marry and perhaps raise minimum wage a little bit because if you have the opportunity to make other people happy when you aren't drastically personally affected, maybe you should just take it.

But mainly vote so you can shame all the people that didn't, I mean Lil Jon flew all the way to Atlanta to vote this morning because they lost his absentee shit in the mail (Turn out for what!) You can surely roll off the couch and walk down the street while whistling the Star Spangled Banner.

We live in a bad ass country friends, it's up to you to keep it that way. America, fuck yeah.