With 2017 rapidly coming to a close you are bound to see a bunch of bullshit on the web that essentially boils down to “new year new me” memes. Some people will talk about their goals, what they accomplished and where they came up short. Some people will gloat about personal achievements like getting married and having a kid, while others will wallow in their misery about their failures such as getting divorced or losing a job.
This got me thinking a lot about personal brands specifically one’s online brand, because you know who exactly to expect this type of shit from, the guy that truly has it all won’t force it down your throat all over social media. The woman who is crushing it professionally will typically be humble about her success…all of this then begs the question, which brand is the worst?
Some disclaimers: None of you should feel targeted by this list, and to prove it I will be including my own personal brand on this list which I’m sure you won’t find hard to figure out.
Personally, I had a year of ups and downs, wins and near misses. I almost got a show on the air but simultaneously may have sabotaged my writing career. I had some life changing experiences but at the same time fucked up some relationships with people I care about but you live you learn, right? Who gives a shit about me, let’s attack some anonymous straw men!
The Fake Jet Setter
Look, unless you are my dad, everyone loves to travel. Traveling = vacation and vacation = drinking before noon. But also seeing new shit is cool! Experiencing new cultures is fun! But there is nothing worse than the person that goes to Europe once and suddenly achieves human enlightenment. You know exactly who this person is because they posted exactly 417 photos from their three day trip to Iceland, then four days after they got back they dropped 127 more under the caption “Missing Iceland.” Of course a barrage of TBTs and FBFs followed. WE FUCKING GET IT.
What makes matters worse though is that this person will now say things like “Well in Europe…” or post things on Facebook like “A question for my fellow travelers: where should I go explore next?” (As if staying in a one star motel in Reykjavik makes you Jacques Cousteau)
Notable offenders: Anyone that has ever used the phrase All who wander are not lost, anyone that read the book Eat Pray Love, sometimes my mom.
The Debbie Downer
It has been said that misery loves company. What this paragraph presupposes is, maybe it doesn’t? Sure sometimes I am relieved when I realize that other people have problems too but I don’t want to fucking hear about it. My God sometimes I’ll scan social media and I’ll see something like “today was a bad day.” What kind of emo non-committal shit is that? At least if you’re going to whine, give me the deets. Did someone die? Did your SO cheat on you? Was it meat loaf day at the work cafeteria? When I’m sad I drink a bottle of whiskey and listen to a My Chemical Romance album. Guess what, I wake up with a headache so bad, I forget to be sad…my life now has purpose. Get a coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Furthermore, the Debbie Downer loves to point out their lack of social life and at times might even take pride in their lameness. “How was your weekend Debbie? “Oh you know me! Fell asleep watching Netflix at 830, it was PRETTTTTY crazy.” That’s not funny, it’s just depressing.
Notable offenders: People in their 20s going through a break up, me in 2015, lots of athletes when they’re playing poorly.
The Big Deal
The Big Deal has 4,000 instagram followers and got invited to go to a small indie movie premiere once. Now they feel like they are an ‘influencer.’ This person will go to any event that has one of those photo walls up and tag everything with shit like #redcarpet and #BTS. Big Deal also acted in a student film and even though they were only compensated with a Subway sandwich they sometimes introduce themselves as a thespian.
They name drop constantly, have a bunch of friends that work at Buzzfeed and probably gave the shitty Hemsworth brother a handjob once. TBD totally knew Kevin Spacey was gay already and has heard a LOT of rumors about who is going to go down next. Did they mention they were backstage at a Haim show last night? LOLZ #backstage #music
Notable offenders: All the idiots that bought tickets to Fyre Fest, anyone that still lives in Hollywood and thinks it’s cool, Monica Morell
Degenerate is just here to party man and you’re lucky to witness it. Stay tuned to that Instastory and you might just see a bag of blow pop up. EDGY. Degenerate doesn’t give a shit because he probably doesn’t have a job. Politics? HA! Both sides are wrong, let anarchy reign!
And do you know why degenerates don’t care about the future? Because they likely don’t have one.
You would be shocked at how the idea of nuclear war becomes a bit more appealing when your friends are all crushing it at Fortune 500 companies and your most recent grocery store purchase was two bottles of Boone’s Farm and a box of Mac n Cheese! I mean to be fair, the degenerate has been training all of his life for a post apocalyptic America…sleeping in bushes, building up resistance to harmful substances. Hell one time he survived an entire week on potato chips and Four Loko
Notable offenders: Me, my roommates, most people between the ages of 16-23
Before we get to the worst online brand of 2017, some honorable mentions:
Oversharers, race baiters, people that post old memes and say ‘so true!’, The Star Wars is problematic crowd, MRAs, overt self promoters, people seeking validation and anyone that writes too much in a short form medium (if you regularly use all 280 characters I hate you)
And a few brands I really enjoyed in 2017: Cutting sarcasm, shameless nostalgia, hipster nerd, people that are earnest about being basic, Black Twitter,
And now the worst brand of 2017…
The Political Guru
Whether it’s a redneck MAGA pede or a smug member of ‘the resistance’ there is nothing more nausea inducing than someone dumping volumes of their political beliefs online as if they are going to change your mind with a clever #fakenews post. Browse this person’s timeline and it will be either full of snarky Trump Tweets with the facepalm emoji or a bunch of Breitbart articles talking about how great the economy is.
What neither side seems to grasp is that I am purely on social media to see if my ex girlfriends are still hot, so I implore you to take your thoughts on Trump, Global Warming, basically any issue that causes people to argue and save those for when you’re drunk and with your family. I know you listened to Pod Save America once and now feel super enlightened, but honestly, I would rather look at pictures of your stupid kids than see one more post about healthcare or tax cuts.
“But it’s your privilege not to care about pol-“ One more fucking word and I will name you in my suicide note.
Notable offenders: Every millenial, R/The_Donald, your senile uncle Dale, The President