Wednesday, January 31, 2018

The Once and Future King


I turned 31 this week and it was fine, I don't have any real profound thoughts. I wasn't going to do a big social media post but I stumbled onto a treasure trove of photos from my birthday 10 years ago and figured since this is largely a comedy site, I'll share with you the tale of my 21st birthday. Because I mean, Jesus look at that fucking stud. White jacket, giant fake diamonds, singing an undisclosed 90's hit at a karaoke bar inside an Italian club? You deserve this.


***

They told me not to start drinking at noon, but it was the first day after all. Not only was it our first day inside Europe, the first day of a six month vacation, no it was also my 21st birthday.

Not that any of that mattered; although I desperately wanted the clerk at the wine shop to ask me for my ID, he merely shrugged when I exclaimed that it was my 21st birthday. I walked back to my hotel room with 12 bottles of red wine and heroically stormed into the lobby of the hotel we would be occupying for the first night. As I slammed the case of wine down in the common area and started enthusiastically passing bottles out to my friends like a drunken Robin Hood I saw the color drain from my program director's face.

While some students came to Italy seeking education or culture, perhaps a fresh perspective, she could tell that these frat guys from Indiana were here with one mission: to fuck shit up.

While most of the students had saved for years from summer jobs with the dream of studying abroad some day, we had conspired in November with twenty IU kids over a $75 bottle of Grey Goose in a corner booth at Kilroy's. 13 girls, seven guys, we would throw parties, travel, maybe fall in love. It would be fucking lit.

I asked the program director for a bottle opener to which she politely declined and then watched in horror as i stabbed the cork into the bottle with a ball point pen.

With much trepidation she handed us the keys to our flat.

"I've secured you a 10 bedroom apartment on the outskirts of town. You're the only residential unit in the building, the rest are law firms."

I realize her implication was that this was a NICE PLACE and was to be treated with respect, but what I heard was that this woman had just given us our own frat house in Italy and that the neighbors would leave for the weekend every Friday at five.

I remember by the time our 'orientation' begun I had already finished a bottle of wine. I vaguely remember our administrators saying things like 'don't treat this like a playground.' 'You're here to learn.' You know a bunch of stuff that I would never take to heart. I was already busy getting numbers from all the east coast chicks in my pre-paid burner flip phone, a phone I would lose that night and never replace.

A cocktail hour followed the orientation, I put something smart ass on my name tag like 'frat guy #2' because at 21 you think that kinda shit is hilarious. It became abundantly clear that our program was about 90% female and when I walked to the bar and ordered a triple vodka tonic the weary Italian bartender cautioned me that if I kept up my current pace, I wouldn't make it out.

News of our presence quickly spread through the hotel.

"You're one of the IU guys?"

Our program directors strongly discouraged us from hitting the town that night. We had immigration meetings in the morning followed by a tour of the city. Furthermore we were expressly forbidden from having any company in our rooms that evening.

I invited every girl in sight to a pregame in room 304.

In the hotel lobby I quickly did a Yelp search for the worst club in Florence, or a club that others perceived to be awful, but a place I would love.

"Music so loud you go deaf."
"Full of nothing but study abroad kids looking to black out."
"Everyone here is on drugs."

YAB...YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.

Let's fucking go.

All my college friends were there as well as a few other rebels that we convinced to hit the town with us. It was a 15 minute walk, so we used the lack of Italian open container law to keep pregaming on the way to the bar. By the time we got there I imagine I was three bottles deep.

We saw some more IU friends drinking at a bar next to Florence's famous Duomo that was named JJ Cathedral at the time. I think I had 4 to 5 Jager Bomb shots at this point and crew our crowd to a critical mass. Sure it kinda sucked that I wasn't going to get the true Indiana birthday thing, no shot book, no paddle, I couldn't make everyone wear pink, but if you're going to have your birthday anywhere else in the world, this wasn't too bad.

I remember realizing as we finally pulled up to the club that I wasn't in great shape. I had been drinking for entirely too long and had already called multiple women by the wrong name. But once I got to the dance floor I figured I would be fine.

I approached a large African bouncer who asked if I thought I was ok to come in.

"Of course I am," I thought. I mean I was probably only the equivalent of 25 drinks deep.

"It's his 21st birthday," one of my friends offered from the back, "We'll take care of him."

He nodded and stepped aside.

Now the thing is...if I had EVER been to this bar before, the following sequence may have never happened.

But I had not been to this bar.

I had not been to this country.

I had not been to this continent.

So I certainly didn't know that at this particular bar you step in the entrance and proceed to walk down 25 steps.

So I took one step in and proceeded to fall down 25 steps.

The concerned bouncer rushed me into the coat room to check my vitals..I was fine, he then gave me a breathalyzer and I blew a .3 at which point Steve (pictured above with his wife!!!!) was forced to drag me up 25 stairs and then carry me home.

He threw me in my hotel room and apparently I dead bolted the door so when my friend Ryan got home, he was locked out which forced him to accidentally try to kick down a strangers door.

Needless to say when the program directors were called to deal with the situation they were not pleased. And this is how I was almost sent home on the first day of abroad.

Fortunately for us, our parents had all paid in advance and half of them were lawyers so we were given one more chance.

And thank God for that or I might have never gone to Germany, Austria, England, Ireland, France, Switzerland, Monaco, Belgium, Greece, Vatican, Netherlands, Spain.

I wouldn't have fallen in a canal in Venice, woken up in an ambulance, sleepwalked through Barcelona, skied the Swiss Alps, spent way too long in Amsterdam or of course getting lost on a train in France.

No fortunately that first night in Italy turned out to be the worst night, but the next night...well I went to a Zara, bought that white coat and took the picture above...setting up the most preposterous 12 month run of my life. I cherish every person and every memory of that trip and of the last 10 years because my God, it's all been so much fun.

Thursday, January 11, 2018

What is the Best Drinking Music?


This may sound a little quaint, but every Saturday when I wake up it's just a matter of time before I start drinking.

It's not always right away. I have hobbies such as hiking or taking a long bike ride down to the south bay. But let's be real, these are just appetizers for the main course, activities that delay the inevitable. I mean when you live in a rented apartment, have no girlfriend or kids, there is a real hole in your Saturday after that one hour of exercise. To be honest, I don't know what normal people in my position do on Saturdays. I've heard of these things called Farmer's Markets, but in my experience McDonald's buys their own lettuce and tomatoes so I'm all set on that front.

Naw daddy, I drink.

I used to rationalize it a bit. I would throw on a 9am BYU vs Colorado State game. Pretend to get really into it. GO RAMS! Nothing wrong with having a beer or six while watching some hoops! If we were in some sports doldrums and there was nothing on TV I would heat up an old slice of Domino's pizza, pair it with mimosas and tell myself that I had cooked brunch. It's completely reasonable to have some champagne with your breakfast on the weekend. It goes to my European sensibilities!

But after a girl has broken up with you due to your all around savagery, you start to just lean into it. I don't really give a shit anymore. I'll find an old lukewarm beer that I didn't finish the night before and rewatch Monday Night Raw at 8 in the morning in my boxers. These are the joys of being an adult...

OR...

I'll throw on some music very loud and start partying by myself.

Now that was an overlong introduction that only tangentially touches on the topic at hand today, but I've been wondering a lot lately which genre of music is the best to drink to. I'm going to set up some parameters and then argue with myself. It's going to be great, you'll love it. Hopefully by the end of this article, you will have a good idea of what song to toss on when you crack that first beer; one true party genre to rule them all.

Some rules...

1. Obviously different moods/activities may vary the results but this is for ALL PURPOSE DRINKING, the cross trainer shoes of imbibing.

2. Some music doesn't fit into any one specific genre or it fits into multiple genres, I will be taking liberties with this as I see fit.

3. Do not confuse 'dancing' with drinking. Dancing is a subset of drinking/partying. Sitting around a campfire screaming out Tom Petty songs can be just as fun as cutting a rug in a dark club.

 The criteria

Genres will be scored 1-10 on the following categories.

Event: How much would this music enhance your tailgate/festival/concert/etc.

Home: How much would this music enhance your drinking experience at home, whether it be just you or a group of friends?

Bar: How would this music affect the energy of the bar/club?

The rules and criteria are generally bullshit and this is mostly just a forum for me to rant about music. Got it? Good.

Genre #1 Pop Music
One of the toughest moments of 2017 for me came when I was on a party bus en route to Glendale with a bus full of people that ranged in age from about 27-37. Everyone had been drinking for several hours and I just KNEW I had the perfect song to play. I grabbed the iPod, cued up my man JB and just waited for everyone to go nuts.

It never happened. In fact someone asked me to change the song. Part of my soul died on the Rasta Bus that day, but I learned a very important lesson: not everyone is a former frat guy with a semi-ironic love of reviled pop artists.

Look, recent Bieber bangs. So does early Britney, mid-period Taylor and every song on The Fame Monster. But there are actual people out there that detest this kind of music. I don't know how, maybe 2009 was a dark period for this person. Maybe they are genuinely upset that Justin egged his neighbor's house. Whatever the case, while I contend pop music is PHENOMENAL drinking music. It should be stated that it is a risky proposal. 'Tearing up My Heart' reminds me of ripping off my shirt on the frat's dance floor and making out with the Alpha Phi social chair, but it may remind someone else of sitting at home and waiting for the phone to ring in high school.

Ideal setting: House party with close friends. If you put on 'Lucky' at 1 in the morning and not everyone sings along, you probably need new friends.

Event: 6
Home: 9
Bar: 7
Total: 22

Genre #2 Hard Rock
A timeless classic, Hard Rock will always dominate the event space. When you are at a college football tailgate and you hear Thunderstruck, the immediate inclination is to find 8 other degenerates to play that horrible chugging game with. But most importantly as an event will likely have people of all ages, hard rock is a genre of music that youngs and olds a like have a strong appreciation of. If I tried to get my dad to belt out the words to Celine Dion he might send me in for conversion therapy, but Sister Christian? He is ALL THE WAY IN.

Conversely, hard rock fails in the bar scene. Cover bands excluded, you go to a bar to dance or talk to people and Axl Rose screaming 'Welcome to the Jungle' is not really conducive to either of these activities. As much as I would like to Slow Grind to a power ballad like 'Every Rose has its Thorn' something about hard rock just needs to be an outdoor activity.

In the home setting it can really go either way. Are you getting fired up for a major afternoon of day drinking? Cranking some Aeriosmith and ripping shots of Jim Beam is a good way to start your day (or end it!) but if you have some people coming over to hang out, hard rock doesn't possess the proper vibe.

Ideal setting: At a Buffalo Bills Tailgate Scorpions' 'Rock you like a Hurricane' comes on right as you are suplexing your best friend through a folding table.

Event: 10
Home: 6
Bar: 4
Total: 20

Genre #3 80s Music
Technically most 80's music could be categorized as pop or hard rock, but that would be a disservice to a truly delightful branch of party music. You know what I'm talking about: Cyndi Lauper, Madonna, Michael Jackson, Bowie, Toto, Whitney Houston basically the San Junipero soundtrack OH GOD PUT IT IN AN IV AND SHOVE THAT SHIT INTO MY JUGULAR.

80s music is an interesting hybrid because you can lure the rock and roll fans in with some Duran Duran and then smash them over the head with some Belinda Carlisle before they even knew what hit them. You can almost smell the cocaine in every synth note, taste the vodka in every bad hairstyle and create a sense of nostalgia for a decade that probably wasn't that great?

All college kids grew up with a healthy dose of Journey and Eddie Money at their local Greek bar, which led to lots of fist pumping and hoarse voices. But the thing about 80's music is it is extremely adaptable. Madonna's Like a Virgin will kill in almost any setting. Crowded bar? Sure, it's got a little disco beat to it. Big game? Believe it or not your parents were young in the 80's and it reminds them of a time before they had to put up with your dumb ass.

If 80s has any weak spot it might be if you are having a house party and someone didn't grow up with an affinity for REO Speedwagon and Styx. But honestly, if you just throw on the Rock of Ages soundtrack, more often than not people will have a good time.

Ideal setting: Homecoming while drinking a concoction that is roughly 6 shots of rum, food coloring and sugar.

Event: 8
Home: 7
Bar: 9
Total: 24

Genre #4 Country Music
Now for the purpose of this exercise and to build a more convincing argument; country music will be expanded to include rockabilly, folk, and most acoustic driven rock. That is to say that bands like The Eagles, Bob Dylan and Johnny Cash are included in this category. Now on first glance you may not think that country music is a good time...but let me paint a picture for you...

You just walked into a Country Western bar in Chicago, Illinois. Every girl is blonde and attractive. People are wearing cowboy hats. 32 ounce beers are 2 dollars and the Zack Brown Band song Country Fried is playing at 30 decibels while people dance on tables...No?

Ok, let's try again. You walk into a Vanderbilt bar in Nashville, Tennessee. Every girl is blonde and attractive. People are wearing cowboy hats. 32 ounce beers are 1 dollar, there is a 5 piece cover band playing Zack Brown Band's Country Fried at 40 decibels and people are dancing ON the bar...still no?

Last try...You're in Indio at Stagecoach. Every girl is blonde and attractive. Also they are wearing crop tops with jean skirts and cowboy boots. Unlimited beer is free at your campsite. Zack Brown Band is on the main stage playing their hit song Country Fried at 100 decibels and you are making out with a girl from Marietta, Georgia named Scarlett. This has to sound like a fun time, no?

Ideal Setting: Probably making out with Scarlett and then going back to her camp which is just an air mattress on the back of her brother's truck.

Event: 8
Home: 4
Bar: 7
Total: 19

Genre #5 Rap Music
Rap is a bit of an enigma and will likely be the most polarizing entry. I'll also give you a hot take, a lot of rap is SHIT to dance to. Take for example the recent phenomenon of Cardi B. Every single one of her beats sounds like it is designed for people who are simultaneously robo tripping while aspiring to go into a K Hole. Seriously Bodack Yellow bumps at like 14 BPM. I like to sweat on the dance floor, not fall asleep. But conversely, if we're including family friendly funk like Bruno Mars? I mean Uptown Funk might be the best dance song of all time.

Again I'm conflicted, because I can't think of a time I wouldn't like to hear a Kendrick song or a throwback like Izzo, but I'm all set on pretty much anything that comes from a dude named 'Lil' or who was that fucking Panda guy? Really hip hop? That's your best foot forward? Also if we're counting Dominicans as white or at least white adjacent, the current top 10 rap songs in America are 90% white people. How's that for some cultural appropriation. Man, do I just hate rap music? Who would have thought that the rapper Aryan from Cathedral High School, who won the talent show with a Kanye West song, who had a mixtape called 'Bounce if you Ball Boy' (which was a reference to the fact that I was an actual ballboy for the Pacers) would grow up to hate rap. Also if you need to know anything about Indiana, no one told a 16 year old kid that going by the rap name 'Aryan' even if was just a physical description of my body MIGHT BE OFFENSIVE. They literally covered me in the school newspaper. 2005 y'all.

PUKE.

But ya, rap is ok to drink to sometimes.

Ideal Setting: I imagine I could get very drunk at a Chance the Rapper concert and have a good time.

Event: 7
Home: 6
Bar: 7
Total: 20

Genre #6 Generic white people music
Ok I'm going to be alone on this island but I fucking dare you to go see a jam band in concert and not have the time of your life. Dave Matthews, Phish and OAR rule in a non ironic way. Whatever, just be glad I didn't put show tunes on here because I came V close.

Ideal setting: Lawn, Deer Creek, DMB night 2, 2004.

Event: 10
Home: 6
Bar: 2
Total: 18

Genre #7 EDM
Remember dance music? Holy shit, it's almost like 2012 never happened. Now Calvin Harris and Zedd just produce beats for former Disney Channel stars and we call it pop music. (Seriously, currently in the top 10 are Selena Gomez, Alessia Cara, Hailee Steinfeld, Selena again and Demi Lovato. Not to mention Coldplay) They still bang but gone are the days of Skrillex, Knife Party and Dead Mau5 assaulting your ears into between ecstasy hits. I wonder what kids are going to think in 40 years when they hear the song 'Internet Friends.' It will probably be the same look of confusion I have when I hear the song with Frank Zappa's daughter 'Valley Girl.' People will likely just shrug their shoulders and say 'drugs.'

But does dance music hold up? The purpose of this exercise was to find the best DRINKING music and while a bunch of people at Burning Man would argue that Deep House is till very relevant, most of them aren't choosing alcohol as their number one poison. In fact in 2018, I think you could make the argument that pop music and EDM are virtually indistinguishable. But music is generally fucked in 2018, they play 'Closer' on JACK FM and my mom, a 62 year old white retiree, currently claims The Chainsmokers as her favorite band. Some would argue that it makes them lame, I think it just proves that they are evil geniuses who have hacked our brains to hit a very specific group of pleasure centers. People say EDM is dead, but I'm not ruling out a comeback.

Ideal setting: That moment at a wedding when they put on 'Where Are U now' and you lock eyes with the girl you were dating in 2015 and know that it's on.

Event: 8
Home: 7
Bar: 8
Total: 23

The Results

1. 80's
2. Dance
3. Pop

It makes sense as 80s music probably has a higher floor than general dance music or pop, but I would argue that all three are probably pretty safe all purpose drinking music. 80's also cheats as you can use any genre within the decade allowing you to fine tune the playlist for exactly what you're doing. Are you in a school bus on your way to a college reunion bar crawl? Boom! Bon Jovi. Is it 4 o clock in the morning and you're on your way to the after after party but the Uber driver is being cool and letting you drink Zimas in the back of a Minivan speeding through Boyle Heights? TAKE ON ME!

It was a well fought battle, but 80's music is the best drinking music.



Wednesday, January 10, 2018

A History of Dating in the Digital Age


Yesterday I was digging deep in my inbox for some old photos and I came across an old Gchat conversation with an ex-girlfriend. I was unaware that Gmail archived these conversations and I hadn't thought about this girl in a year or so, so I gave it a click.

OH MY GOD!

I had forgotten what a terrible employee/person I was in Chicago. I guess when I wasn't blogging on company time. I was actively trying to get my gf to cyber chat with me while I was surrounded by middle aged men on the 4th floor of a generic office building in Lake Forest, Illinois. I then searched out my old Chicago roommates, and guess what? My Gchats with them were cataloged too. They essentially read like Evan Spiegel's old frat emails, but worse. This taught me two things:

1. Moving forward, it's probably best to use some discretion on Gchat, especially from a work computer.

2. My ousting from CDW may have been the most justifiable firing of all time. Honestly, not even Hue Jackson is worse at his job.

However, this got me thinking about the way people essentially used to (and still do!) text their way to love. We as a generation have tried to make life as impersonal as possible. Everything is ordered online, we stick our noses in our phones even when with a group, people now make jokes about how much they like to be alone and avoid people. This is very different than the extroverted 90's where everyone wanted to be Tucker Max and smash strangers they met at singles bars.

No.

We prefer to digitally chat with people far away from a safe place. Maybe the technology is harming us as a society, maybe we're already in a Black Mirror episode, but for this exercise I am going to attempt to chronicle the evolution of this phenomenon with a loose timeline I will establish based on eras. Got it? Me neither, but I'm hopped up on Adderall and I'm ready to go. Let's get it.

We'll start with the year 2000 because that's the first time I kissed a girl. (In a hotel on a class trip in Washington DC, NO BIG DEAL!)

2000-2005: The Angsty Away Message Era
The year is 2001, AOL Instant Messenger is king. Every upper middle class kid in America has an embarrassing screen name. A young Hoosier named David Moeller is known on the internet as AFstud39, which of course stands for the poser prep brand Abercrombie and Fitch, after the fall of Abercrombie, David tells people it stands for Air Force. No one Believes him.

Do you remember the adrenaline rush any time you would hear the door open sound? Was it the cute girl I have a crush on? I can't wait to hit her with the most boring conversation ever that would last for 2 minutes max.

But I couldn't get enough of it. I had atrocious grades in high school largely because I would not to by homework. I needed to get onto the internet and TALK TO GIRLS. At some point, it got so bad that my parents took the keyboard away, but JOKES ON YOU MOM. I would meticulously find letters in word documents and copy and paste individual characters so I could talk to people. It took longer than setting the copy for an 1800s printing press but god dammit it was worth it.

And the away messages...
You have not lived until you wrote a three paragraph away message that was directed at a single person. AIM away messages were the OG sub tweets. I wrote poetry, I wrote about my feelings, shit I would leave O.A.R. and Dave Matthews lyrics for people...and any time my mom tried to pick up the phone and kick me offline, I raised hell. In 2001 we finally got a cable modem and I didn't leave the computer room for the next four years, too busy in chat rooms dropping those sweet sweet ASLs.

Effectiveness: Low
Total hook ups: >5
Analysis: While the AAME was a golden age for internet communication, my sheer age was a major inhibiting factor to success. If a girl in westfield would say 'Hey my mom's not here, come over.' Well my parents weren't about to let me leave the house on a Tuesday night at 9pm to drive an hour away. It's a shame really, if I could go back and collect every away message I ever wrote, I would have enough dirt to start a mildly successful meme account.

2005-2007: The Unlimited Text Era
The year is 2005, most major American cell phone plans now include unlimited text messaging. I can T9 a girl 'Come over' faster than I can breathe. AIM is dead, MySpace is dying, a new challenger emerges from the West entitled The Facebook. People aren't quite sure what it is yet, but have realized that lots of :) and lolz via text lead to some quality flirting during class.

I never got a RAZR, which is bullshit. If I had a RAZR in the fall of 2005 I probably would have gotten into ATO, Roo ra rega!

But for Christmas in 2005 I got something even better: An LG Chocolate. Oh God the sexy way that thing would slide up and down. Paired with a North Face fleece and some True Religion jeans, nothing screamed MY HOUSE IS WORTH OVER $300,000 IN INDIANA like a cool cell phone.

The Unlimited Text Era (or the UTE) really changed the game because you could put up millions of shots constantly, wherever you were.

Laying in bed? Text.
In class? Text.
Taking a shit? DEFINITELY TEXT.

I must have shot out hundreds of thousands of texts my Freshman year at Indiana and also everyone was discovering binge drinking for the first time so all behavior was completely excused.

"Did you text me that you wanted to pee on me last night?"
Oh, haha, sorry. First experience with tequila.

That text today would end friendships. At 18 while living in a dorm you might get a response like "OMG I TOOOOOOTALLY get it!!!"

This is also very early era: You up?

If someone was online late in high school obviously they were up. At 3am in college it was a genuine question, and for the first time if they responded 'ya, come over' you didn't have to ask mom and dad's permission.

Effectiveness: Mixed
Total hook ups: 4.3X10^8
Analysis: While the UTE had a relatively low conversion rate, the new technology allowed you to cast a wider net than ever before. Life is a numbers game after all and if you texted 100 people then, well one of them would be up for an adventure. But maybe that's less 'texting your way to love' and moreso just college.

2007-2009: The Rise of Blackberry
The year is 2008. Flip phones and sliders are now considered hot garbage for drug dealers. Everyone that isn't a poor has a Blackberry and a fascinating technology called Blackberry Messenger colloquially known as BBM has taken the country by storm. BBM operates almost exactly like text messaging but carries an air of elitism. It also has a fascinating feature called PING that will makes someones phone vibrate. Drunk frat guys will try to use this feature with limited success to wake up sleeping sorority girls.

Well unsurprisingly I got drunk during Little 5 in 2007 and dropped my Chocolate to the bottom of Lake Monroe. When my parents didn't hear from me for 4 days they drove down to Bloomington to see if I was alive. When they found me fine, they were so relieved that they didn't mind driving me to Verizon to get me the latest and greatest. (This is a sound strategy.)

The game switched in 2007 to a more efficient style of play. No longer were you just throwing a ton of shit at the wall and seeing what stuck, the BBM list was more curated. Getting someone's PIN was a much bigger deal than getting someone's number. A group member got your phone number a chick that you wanted to take to the Valentine's semi-formal got #mypin. It was an open invitation to flirt. A new BBM was worlds more interesting than a new email or a pesky text message. The heart would start to race though if multiple girls were sending you BBMs after 12 o clock. It was almost as exciting as beating the last level on Brick Breaker.

Effectiveness: High
Total hook ups: Enough
Analysis: Though I would like to give BBM a lot of credit for my romantic success in college, I think it's also more indicative of the relative maturity of college upperclassmen. As a Freshman hook up culture is somewhat new and exciting. By the time Senior year rolls around, it's old hat. You know everyone in your circle, everyone without a partner is fair game and hook ups are almost business like. You're cool, I'm cool. We're both fairly attractive, let's do this. It will be fun!

2009-2012: Gchatting Your Way to Love
The year is 2010. Millenials have joined the work force and are not happy about it. Others have gone to grad school to push off the inevitable. Comedy accounts have popped up on the newish social media platform Twitter to document the struggle of trying to "adult." Some are struggling with the fact that their parents have shut off the family 'emergency AMEX' which had for years been treated as a line of credit at their favorite bar. But fortunately, an old stand by is there for them on those cold days in Chicago at the job they hate; their old friend Google.

I was sad after college. Like really sad. I went from being a medium sized fish in a tiny pond to a piece of plankton in the Pacific Ocean. I hated my job, I hated responsibility and the only thing that got me through it was blogging and G chatting chicks all day (and loads of alcohol...shouts to booze for getting me through a tough time! We out here!)

Similar to the now quaint AIM, the rush of joy I would get when that green dot popped on would lift my spirits. And the best part? By Gchatting and keeping the box small in the lower right corner, to the lay person it would look like you were ACTUALLY DOING WORK. Between that and my blog, I must have looked like the hardest working person in the company. That must be how I managed to stay there for two years despite only eclipsing 10 outgoing calls once. (And that was probably me calling other people in the building to arrange lunch plans.)

Honestly, I probably Gchatted my way to two serious relationships just through bonding over how bored we were at work and how much we would rather be doing other things. Turns out a mutual disgust for the mundane can really drive people together! Who knew?

Effectiveness: Extremely high
Total hook ups: Several serious
Analysis: A lot of people in their 20s are a bit down on the world and they're grasping at straws. Their job isn't what they thought it would be yet they can pull some medium comfort by talking to someone online and fantasizing about what they could do together as soon as they left the hellish prison of their 9-5.

2012-2016: Tinder and Other Drugs
The year is 2013 and the millenials have rebelled. Instead of growing up, they have flat out refused and leaned into their debauchery. Eric Prydz is headlining Coachella. Cocaine and MDMA are no longer closed door drugs and their is an app called Tinder that matches people together who are down to fuck. What a time to be alive.

It's amazing that it took this long honestly. It was a concept as old as time. Hot or not, Facebook, a whole host of other online dating ventures: Here is a picture of a person, do you want to have sex with them? Yes or no. This was the fundamental question at stake in Tinder and all of its clones. They made J Swipe which was Tinder for Jews! They made Grindr which was Tinder for gays! They even made shit like The League which was Tinder for people who thought they were classy. None of them were more genius than Bumble though. Tinder for cucks who are afraid to initiate a conversation with a woman!

There was always one of course. One girl in every group that met their serious boyfriend or even fiance on Tinder. That gave the whole crew hope, but sub-consciously they knew what they were doing. They were on a hook up app. Not too dissimilar from the brilliant Black Mirror episode 'Hang the DJ,' they knew they were just sleeping around, buying time, until hopefully, desperately, someone swept them off their feet.

I don't have a lot of personal anecdotes on dating apps because I am staunchly against them, not because I don't like the idea of dating apps, I really don't like the idea of going on dates. Personally I would rather spend $100 on going to see Justin Bieber in concert than going out to dinner and MAYBE sleeping with someone that I'm not that into. Or maybe it's because I had a bad experience getting punked by someone stealing my phone, switching my Tinder to gay mode and swiping right 1000 times.

I was offered back alley blowjobs from strangers for weeks.

Effectiveness: High
Total Hook ups: 0
Analysis: If you've got money to burn and don't mind going out every night, it's probably a lot of fun. Translation: If I was a girl, I would be ALL about this shit.

2016-Present: The DMs Strike Back
The year is 2018, young people no longer communicate through language. They speak to each other strictly in memes, emojis and gifs. No one texts anymore, not even on iMessage. One can gauge how much a person likes them only through content interaction: story views, post likes and of course, the direct message. But again, 99% of these messages are either wink face, kissy emoji or heart eyes. This is not a drill.

I really thought Snap Chat was going to be big. When drugs and nudes were hot, so were they. But like ESPN didn't see the cord cutter revolution brewing, Snap Chat somehow didn't see the death of EDM as a paramount obstacle to their success. The Fappening and other such security breaches scared everyone out of potential future app nudity and now we find ourselves here, on the Instagram story page. No one posts photos anymore mind you. That's for the olds, and to be honest, don't put pictures on your story either. I want professionally edited video content. (Note: This is the only area where the 'pivot to video' was a success)

Teenagers now get famous recording themselves playing video games and doing covers of pop songs on Youtube channels. Some people are swearing off sex for months or even years at a time just because...I don't know, it's a thing? The most famous person in America is a former gang banger/stripper. The President is a former actor from the classic film Home Alone 2 and there are now 712 gender identities.

I personally identify as someone who is confused as fuck.

But...has that much changed?

We're all just trying to figure it out. Dating is weird and we're all low key nervous that we're going to end up alone surrounded by several ornery cats hissing at each other. While circumstances will rotate, I feel dating is cyclical. The apps will die down at some point and singles bars will become a thing again. A new elite technology product will eventually be released and people will use it exclusively for flirting and then the whole cycle will repeat itself until eventually we'll be in a virtual reality room speed dating...just like they did in the 1960's. Dating in the digital age is strange but at the end of the day, it's always just a couple crazy kids hoping to make it work.


Wednesday, January 3, 2018

Am I old? An investigation

Introduction: I never really grew up.

This isn't news to most of my readers as the content on this blog is largely that of someone who is 30 going on 22. I still have two roommates, we share a bathroom and for the last 10 days there have been three people staying on our couch. These are not the actions of an adult, these are moves of someone who is desperately pushing away adulthood as long as they can possibly muster it.

My hair is long, like really long. I'm routinely told that I look about seven years younger than I am. This is not a mistake. See, if people perceive me to be younger, then it subconsciously excuses a majority of my actions.

I haven't made my bed in three weeks, I do laundry quarterly, I slept until 2pm until New Year's Day. I went to Burning Man last year, I smuggled a bottle of wine into a movie last week. I am relevant. At least I thought I was until yesterday.

Like many of you, I was just trying to survive my hangover yesterday when a welcome distraction arrived: The Coachella 2018 line-up dropped! I have never been a big music guy, but I enjoyed getting very drunk and rummaging around a field with LA's elite. I had gone every year 2012-2016 before taking a year off because I got some devastating personal news the Thursday before weekend 2 2017. But I planned to go back at some point, why not? It's fun to do the camping thing, teach your neighbors regional drinking games, play dodgeball, make out with strangers at the silent disco. I mean, shit I used to be the king of the music festival. I've been to 5 Lollas, 5 Chellas, 4 HARDs, a couple CRSSD, North Coasts and Snow Globes. If there was a field with white people taking drugs in it, I was there.

You can imagine my surprise when I saw this...


On first glance, it looked like a standard if not a little boring festival. People seem to like The Weeknd, especially since he cut off that horrendous bird nest off his head. Somehow he managed to date Bella Hadid and Selena Gomez in the past year (though Selena wised up and returned to the Biebs, bless up)

Next we have BeyoncĂ©, who despite not having a hit song since 2013 people still worship as if she is a literal goddess. But hey, I liked Halo and Irreplaceable (2005-2010 was peak BeyoncĂ©) and I know people were bummed that she had to bail due to a pregnancy last year so I'm on board with this.

Then Sunday we get Eminem, a 45 year old rapper that built a career making fun of gay people who has had a resurgence in part by making fun of Trump. Curious. But hey, Eminem Show was a banger and I liked the SNL performance so I can confidently say that these are three headliners that I have heard of, and even enjoy to a certain extent.

But then...then we fall off a cliff. In fact I had to double check to make sure what I was looking at was indeed authentic. It was when I made it to line two that I had the sinking sensation that I just wasn't cool anymore.

Friday: A novelty video and a random Marley

I remember the music video for 'Virtual Insanity' it featured a short guy in a funny hat jumping around a room with a bunch of treadmills on the floor. It was basically OK Go before OK Go was a thing. I remember trying to dance like him by jumping off of things and reversing directions and falling down a lot.

I was 9.

Now apparently 20 years later, the funny guy in the hat is still alive and subheadlining one of the biggest festivals in the world. What a time to be alive.

Also closing the night Friday likely at the Outdoor stage is someone called SZA. I'm familiar with the GZA and the RZA, unfortunately it appears they are unrelated. Kygo is going to try to stretch out trop-house's 15 minutes of fame for one more year, Vince Staples is going to replay is 2016 set and apparently St. Vincent has decided to take some time away from directing horror movies to grace us with her presence. How thoughtful.

Deeper down the card I don't recognize a single name. There is a random Marley, who after deep internet research (a google) I can confirm that he is a grandson of Bob. Honestly there are so many goddam Marleys that if I was a black dude with long hair I would just call myself Dave Marley and I'm sure people would just assume I was legit.

Bands that I have never heard of that I might investigate based on name alone: The Regrettes who I imagine are a three piece all female punk band who look like Haim if Haim did more crystal meth.

Saturday: An old man and this fucking guy
Excuse me, enhance!


Wut?

I'm not going to stand on my soap box and scream that pop stars need to be conventionally attractive, but my God. This dude would make a Vice employee blush.

Let's see who else is on Saturday. Haim? I used to like them, but then one of my former colleagues informed me that the song 'The Wire' was written about him and I feel bad listening to it now. I'm here for you DH.

Anyone else? I see a couple indie bands that were big in Brooklyn 8 years ago, a couple dudes who were more famous when they were in a band, a chick famous for guesting on a Major Lazer song and Chromeo.

Fun fact: Every Jewish girl has at one time or another fantasized that Chromeo (a nice Jewish boy) would sweep her off her feet and finally get her mother to stop nagging at Thanksgiving.

As is theme, the rest of the line up is made of people I haven't heard of. I see AC Slater listed but I largely doubt it's Mario Lopez reciting his radio commercials about eating placenta or whatever kind of weird shit he's in to, though I imagine it would be an improvement.

Bands that I have never heard of that I might investigate based on name alone: KITTENS or Bane's World, both I imagine to be death metal bands that actively advocate for the torture of animals during their sets. Maybe Sunday will improve.

Sunday: Odesza doesn't believe in supply and demand

If you haven't seen Odesza live I'm going to go out on a limb and say it's your fault. This must be the thirstiest band alive because on top of playing about 20 shows in southern California the past three years, this will be their third Coachella since 2014 in addition to playing almost every festival imaginable since 2015. Hell they played SEVEN shows in a row at SXSW last year. It's not that Odesza is bad, it's moreso like the fact that I'm sick of Elf by December 25th, too much of a good thing.

Elsewhere on Sunday we have the Bad and Boujee guys, fucking Cardi B and one of Khloe Kardashian's ex boyfriends! Hard pass! Remember when bands like RHCP and Arcade Fire would have epic closing sets at Coachella? Remember Calvin Harris during the height of dance music, hologram Tupac and Kendrick Lamar? I mean even Drake was OK.

Well now you get Bodack Yellow. Enjoy!

Bands that I have never heard of that I might investigate based on name alone: Motor City Drum Ensemble who I have to believe are the little kids that bang on paint buckets at the halftime ceremonies of NBA games sometimes. I know Detroit is struggling so I'm glad someone is giving these kids a chance. I wonder what surprise guest they'll bring out!

Conclusion: I am old and out of touch

I don't know how it happened, but like Robin Williams in Hook, I got old without knowing it. The music scene completely passed me by. Current trends passed me by, I don't even know how to properly send an Instagram story. Seriously, how do you make a word stick to a picture and track with it? That's so cool! I still use Facebook, I hate social media influencers, I don't understand memes.

It's all downhill from here. Honestly I expect to get even grouchier, start complaining about people with tattoos, maybe even start reading the newspaper. I'm a lost cause. My hangovers last for days now, I'm gaining weight, my skin has gone to shit. Honestly someone should just take me out back and put a bullet in me. Pray for me as I fade into irrelevance.

Or this Coachealla line up just really blows, I dunno.