I think I’ve aged out of arthouse cinema.
I watched Roma last night and, sure, it looked cool. And yes, I was gasping for breath during the ocean scene and the hospital scene and the furniture store scene.
But you know what? I didn’t enjoy myself. Roma was a tough hang. So was Sorry to Bother You and The Hate U Give. I’m not out here trying to learn a lesson. I’m trying to enjoy myself for the next couple hours. You know what I enjoyed this year? Mamma Mia 2. Now Mamma Mia 2 did not make my list, but I took a bottle of Rose into that movie and literally danced my way out of the theater when it was over.
The world needs more Mamma Mia 2 and less First Man. And look, not to disparage the God Damien Chazelle, First Man similarly to Roma and a bunch of other movies that didn’t make my list are fine works of art that look beautiful. I guess as I get older I’m just less interested in super serious depictions of tragedy…unless it’s a war movie because war movies kick ass.
I’ll also have to issue my list of apologies right now, I didn’t see every single movie this year. I missed Vox Lux and Anna and the Apocalypse. After Beautiful Boy I was all set on rehab movies so I skipped Ben is Back and Boy Erased. I can’t find a Destroyer screener and I think I’m all set on my RGB content for the year so On the Basis of Sex will have to wait until 2019.
No animation and no docs on my list this year. I’m sure I forgot something awesome I watched in March, who cares, Sing Street is still the best movie this decade and 2018 was kind of whatever. To the list!
10. Eighth Grade
All that grandiose soapboxing about ‘movies are meant to entertain’ and then I drop the movie that made me the most uncomfortable this year. I hated watching this movie. It made me physically uncomfortable and I just wanted it to end before any other bad things could happen to that little girl. But I think that was the point. Director Bo Burnham is a 28 year old comedian who is objectively good looking and I would imagine that he could have sex with anyone in Los Angeles male or female. The fact that he remembers this kind of pain and angst from middle school just goes to prove that it’s a horrible time for everyone.
9. Black Panther
What can I say about this movie that hasn’t been said already? It’s the most captivating political thriller in years. It makes statements without being annoying about it and it has an all time performance from Michael B Jordan who may be the most interesting American actor working right now. The entire cast really just knocks it out of the park, all the while being set in one of the freshest and most exciting worlds that we have seen in any comic book movie. The film loses a couple points with me because I’ve really had it with the third act final battle. I didn’t need those rhinocerous looking motherfuckers rushing into battle but I guess this movie is for 8 year olds too.
8. Annihilation
I’ve thought about this movie a lot and I really don’t have a fucking clue what was going on, but there was a scene in which an alien bear rips a chick’s jaw off and it’s the most metal scene of 2018. Also Natalie Portman is perfect in everything she does.
7. Bohemian Rhapsody.
This movie got shit for not being gay enough and it got shit for not making Freddie Mercury enough of a degenerate. I counter with this, when you see him stumbling through a house full of empty booze bottles and coke residue, what do you think happened? They weren’t having bible study the night before! I could watch that Live Aid sequence probably every day for the rest of my life. If Rami Malek doesn’t get an Oscar nomination I may organize a protest.
5. BlacKKKlansman
I feel like I’ve been disingenuous with my list thus far. The truth is, I probably liked To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before AND Set It Up more than Eighth Grade. I just put Eighth Grade in there so I would have some indie cred. Whatever. At least I didn’t put something super obscure like Sisters Brothers on here (even though I quite enjoyed it) BlacKKKlansman was really fucking good. John David Washington was really fucking good…and Adam Driver? I’m so glad you fucked up your back mountain biking and never went to war. I think Spike Lee is pretty hit or miss, this movie is his best in 20 years.
4. Crazy Rich Asians
My interests are always changing but I will never not be into rich people doing rich things. A rom com about the opulence of the Singaporian elite is right up my alley and boy does this thing deliver. Maybe this is why I didn’t like Roma. That movie follows a poor maid and a rich family slipping into the middle class. What a tragedy. Fewer politically motivated massacres and more POND WEEDDINGS PLEASE! Alas, the cast of CRA is stellar. Everyone is pretty. Even Awkwafina is funny. Man, I really am just a materialistic girl out here, huh? There better be fireworks at my wedding.
3. Vice
I’m going to be honest with you. I find Adam McKay’s satirizing American tragedies to be absolutely hilarious. As a former hard line Republican, I really found nothing upsetting about the war in Iraq and Afghanistan at the time. I was playing a lot of Halo back then and my preferred mode in that game was ‘slayer’ which essentially means, kill more bad guys than bad guys kill you. We definitely killed more bad guys in that war than they killed us. But that’s not the point. We also killed innocents and really no Americans should’ve died to mid-east fuckery. I know that now. I’ve grown up. All that said, fat Christian Bale makes me laugh.
2. Hereditary
The less you know going into this movie the better, so I’ll leave it at this. Hereditary is the scariest movie I have ever seen in my life. Hard stop. Toni Collette deserves seven Oscars but since the Academy is made up of limp dick cowards, she probably won’t be nominated. The car scene is the wildest cinematic experience in 10 years and the piano wire shit is still giving me nightmares. Go see Hereditary you peasant.
1. A Star is Born
Oh fuck you. Yes, it’s basic. Yes, it’s very white. Yes it’s heteronormative. But it’s also fucking perfection. Listen to ‘Shallow’ again you fucking muppet. It’s magical. Listen to ‘Always Remember Us This Way.’ Ya that song bangs too. I even ride for the song at the end. It’s pretty good. I listen to it in the shower. Give this movie all the Oscars. Give Sam Elliott an Oscar. Let Lady Gaga and Brad perform the whole god damn soundtrack. You really want to give Glenn Close an Oscar for The Wife? You didn’t watch the fucking wife. Basically what I’m trying to say is that if you want to go to Vegas for Gaga’s residency, I’m down. Tiny arthouse fiends, we gave you Moonlight, a film about a poor kid getting a hand job. La La Land was robbed. Just…just let me have this. Thank you.
No comments:
Post a Comment