Tuesday, May 15, 2012

SoCal Face-off Venice vs WeHo


There are two types of family vacations when you're growing up. You either have the dad that goes on vacation and takes his family with him or you have the family vacation. The former is a middle aged man who takes the breaks in his children's school schedule to head to Florida and get get loaded and kick it on the beach for a few days. If he is smart, he hits up the parents of his kids friends and suggests that they all go to the same destination so all the adults can party together and the kids can go fuck off by the pool or something. The family vacation is where a father takes the opportunity of going somewhere new to spend quality bonding family time. This type of trip includes rigorous schedules and pretty much no alone time for anyone.

I was fortunate enough to grow up in a family that took many many vacations, and my parents were even cool enough to sync up with where my friends were going. Unfortunately, when I wanted my dad to go get fucked up in the sun with his contemporaries, he was more likely to take me and Drew Storen to a random baseball field inland to take some batting practice when all I wanted to do was walk to the sand bar and look for some fucking sand dollars. As I grew older my family vacations became more and more isolated, they would roll their eyes when I asked if we could drive 30 minutes down the Florida coast to go visit a friend's condo and my dad would stress that these trips were about family time.

Don't get me wrong, kicking it in Florida, golfing, going on day cruises, fishing, is all sweet...but I got to a certain age where I would come back and hear stories about finger blasting random girls from Omaha in the hot tub, and I just didn't have the confidence to do that on my own. Mind you my little brother was about 11 during these years so he was worthless to me. At this point (8th grade and beyond) I learned that the secret was to have my parents toss a friends' parents a couple gs and send me with that family. Oh these high school trips were epic. Panama City at 14...are you fucking kidding me, I think i still have the original tally sheet of all 102 sets of tits we saw. Gulf Shores at 15...here's a little anecdote about that trip, if you are going to burn a confederate flag in Alabama, it's a good idea to have stolen a taser from a military outlet store earlier in the day (hint I did and used it) and Senior year I went to the Bahamas sans parents and got into all sorts of drunken debauchery.

My Junior year of high school though I went on my last school era family spring break. We had a time share in Bonita Springs and it was sweet we had a private beach, a golf course, lazy river...all the great shit you want at a resort, but late night I would find myself kicking it in the hot tub alone, just waiting for some female in a similar mindset to come on down. Then my dad would come out and be like "come to bed it's midnight" and I would just want to say "go away, I'm waiting for a chick as lonely as I am to come down and ask me if I want to go play doctor in that swamp over there" but instead I would say some shit like "I can't sleep." Anyway, no one would ever come and I would just sit there and scheme the lies I would tell to my friends when I got back to school about how I had a threesome in the steam room.

So anyway (this is the longest intro I have ever written I'm sorry it really should have been it's own post) I get back to my room of the condo and flip on the tv and for whatever reason it's on Discovery (at 16 I am NOT into that shit) but instead of some boring doc about global warming I see a simulation of a crocodile fighting a great white shark and I became acquainted with the greatest television show ever, Animal face off. I spent the next 6 hours watching teams of nerds recreate epic battles of nature using science statistics, robot replicas and then build out an entire computer recreation of how a battle between two of nature's fiercest competitors would go down. It was extremely violent and always ended with one victorious the other in pieces. Tiger v Lion Elephant vs Rhino were a couple of my favorites, but in a society of reboots, this is the series that drastically needs to be brought back. In the spirit of Animal Face-Off I am going to start a new series that pits two neighborhoods against each other in a 3 round fight. I will use scientific measurements as well as subjective judgment of intangibles. I can't do the "in my projects" segment anymore because there are too many neighborhoods in LA...but I can't battle royale them all fucking day...so let's start with a bang shall we? West vs. East. Venice vs. West Hollywood.

PRE FIGHT: Let's meet the competitors.
Mike lives at Speedyway and Rose, inches from the Venice Boardwalk. He is in outside sales and never schedules a meeting before 10 AM so he can wake up every day and surf. He has a 3 bedroom with his buddies from college, a state school in the SEC and they party hard and are all making mid 50's.

Erin lives in a 2 bedroom just north of Sunset and Crescent Heights with her best friend Angie, who is in fashion. Erin is a junior manager at a boutique management firm and tells a lot of her friends that she lives in Laurel Canyon, even though she really just has a cookie cutter apartment in WeHo.

Let's flash back to what each of the fighters had to say at the pre-fight press conference.
Mike: Venice is the greatest place in America, I can wake up in the morning and surf, ride my bike down to the South Bay to get a bite to eat, play some beach volley on the way home and then still hit a bonfire at Dockweiler before I go to happy hour. West Hollywood is full of pretentious nobodies and gays, neither of which I am fond of. Venice also is a bit rough around the edges, there is a good mix of people here, it's not just a bunch of rich white jews working in the industry, we have diversity. There is a great local flavor, fun vibes and amazing night life.


Erin: I really love how you praised the diversity and then made two offensive stereotypes about West Hollywood in the same breath? Which is it do you hate gays and Jews or do you love diversity? Or were you just trying to say 'Venice has black people and that makes me feel cultured.' West Hollywood is an amazing mix of art, culture, food and life. I am close to anywhere I need to go. We are bordered by Beverly Hills and Hollywood so if I want to go out to sceney club I can, but I'm also only 10 minutes away from my beautiful nail salon on Rodeo. Most importantly West Hollywood makes me feel safe, that's more than I can say about Ghost town over there...do you know why they called it that? Because so many people were murdered on those streets that people assume some of them must still be roaming around.


Whoa no love los there...let's just get to the fight, shall we?

Round 1: Dinner

Erin: So, today I had a client (and my old roommate) sell a script so we are out celebrating! The story is about this really like independent woman, who is balancing life as a twenty something year old writer in Los Angeles while also going through the daily challenges of growing up in such a crazy city. Her dad's production company bought it, but he like totally wasn't involved, it's just a coincidence. So we're going to her favorite restaurant tonight, STK on La Cienega and then we are meeting more friends for sake bombing before we go out, it's going to be PERFECT. We have a table at several places later so we'll see what happens. Yay so excited! Oh and did I say my friend is a client? Expense account!


Mike: Yo, can I get a Red Bull? No this is your fault, I fucked off work after my noon meeting to meet you for 'a drink' at the Erwin. 17 cocktails and $300 later, I hope you enjoyed that fucking sunset. Oh ya, this is my mate Max, he's in town from Atlanta, so we have to show him a good time tonight. I don't fucking know where we're going to dinner...we're supposed to pregame here from 8-12 and it's already 7:30. Hold on a sec, I think I just heard someone. Yo Mark is that you? Mark and Nick are my other two roomies. Oh fuck ya, Mark and Nick picked up steaks at Whole Foods, fire up the grill boys. Oh shit, and you got beer? You guys are legends. So, ya we have this deck on the roof with a grill and shit, it's cool to kind of overlook the boardwalk as the crazies are coming out and the high tide comes in. Sometimes fighter pilots will do tricks and shit or helicopters will catch a couple people catching a shag on the beach, it's quite entertaining.


Erin: So dinner was amaze...and now we are finishing up, oh wait. Sake Sake BOMB! Um, this...and we are going to the Churchill at The Orlando next, we have a table reserved upstairs, one of my guy friends was in this pilot with Channing Tatum and he might show up, oh my god he is like so hot.


Mike: Chug it you little fag! Now shots! Oh hey there, ya, it's kinda rocking here, we don't have much of a plan at this point. I'd say there's 40 people here 20 chicks, 7 I'd fuck. Max is about to pass out, Nick just gave him some uppers to snort but he might be past the point of saving. I don't really know where we're off to next, walk to Townhouse I suppose?


* DING DING DING *


Round 1 goes to Mike. While a free expensive meal is always a good time and sake bombing rarely disappoints, Mike managed to do a hotel rooftop in a non douchey way, throw a banging house party and eat some Whole Foods (the most epic Whole foods in the nation resides in Venice) steaks. It was a close round, but Mike takes it barely.

Round 2: Early night
Mike: Shit we're all out of beer? Jesus Nick play something else, that's the 7th fucking time I've heard 'Levels' tonight. Oh score, the tequila fifth, unopened! It doesn't appear we have any chaser, but whatever, we're men. Anyway, the party has thinned out a bit, a few people went to O'Briens, some went to Nikki's but I think we're heading to Circle Bar because a few of these bitches want to dance. Max isn't making it out, but Mark's 3 co-workers are still hanging out and they are dressed like absolute sluts, I wouldn't be shocked if we paired off here before we even left for the bar.


Erin: Churchill is so great tonight, and the bartender is making me these martinis that are like a little dirty but still smooth and I think I've had 5. My friend, the one that sold the screenplay, oh her name is Liz, well she is talking to Ryan Reynolds' brother and I think I saw them kiss. The only shitty thing is that my ex-boyfriend might be coming here so I might leave and go to Rage with my gay friend Chad in a minute, it's super awesome though because the dance floor is amazing and I still don't have to pay for drinks! Oh...um, sure, I'll come with you....Oh. My. God. Ryan Reynolds is buying me a drink.


Mike: Ya we're still here. The girls left, I don't even know where. Nick ordered some molly though and now we have to wait for his drug dealer to get here. It's like almost one and I'm shitfaced, I could go to sleep right now...right next to little Maxie over there, but I can't give up on the weekend. Tomorrow is Sunday, I'll probably wake up just long enough to watch Game of Thrones and Mad Men, and then the next thing I have to look forward to is that fucking 8 AM Monday Morning meeting.


Erin: Holy fuck Lady Gaga is playing an impromptu mini-set tonight, and Ryan Reynolds took my number, this is the greatest night ever. Chad's on again off again is a bouncer here too and he gave us V.I.P. wristbands and a table with a bottle. Greatest night ever? Oh, I kinda feel like a bitch though because I left Liz at Churchill, whatever, I'm sure she'll figure it out. I heard they were heading to Palihouse for a night cap, maybe I'll meet them later.


*DING DING DING*


A near knockout for Erin. One of the plagues of the pregame/house party is getting trapped. This is Not New York/Chicago...it's game over at 2, there are no second chances. Erin meanwhile is killing it. She met a celebrity and is dancing her face off at a Lady Gaga concert right now, probably drinking straight from the bottle while standing on a table. Meanwhile Mike is moving a plastic bin in front of his bro Max's mouth. It's going to take a strong round from Mike to bring this home for the west side or a colossal meltdown from Erin.

Round 3: Late night
Erin: Chad, I have to get out of here, I'm pretty drunk. Can you get me a cab? Oh, you're making out with bouncer guy, nevermind, I'm a big girl, I'll do it myself. Excuse me driver, can you take me to Palihouse? I don't give a fuck that it's closing in 20 minutes...take me there! So, Rage was awesome, but I need to go find a boy that doesn't like boys...speaking of which I should text Liz. No you know what, fuck that bitch, she should have come with me. I should text my ex-bf Eric, why the fuck did he come to Churchill and crash my Ryan Reynolds party. What a dick!


Mike: This is where we fucking thrive baby! WOOOOO I am on top of the world, this place is called the Victorian and this band is like, the fucking spirit child of the Beatles and the Stones if like one of them was a chick and the collective power of one of the band's had a dick and fucked the other one's vagina. I can literally see every note that this dude plays, it's like fucking Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. And look at these 3 lovely ladies we met, this is Amanda, Maggie and what's your name...Liz! They were out east doing some bullshit at a hotel earlier and they came here because they heard this Australian band or whatever was playing...oh that's these guys? Yes they do rock! Oh what? That was the last song? We just got here...ah fuck the lights are on. Mark, do you have anything in your emergency stash?


Erin: Thank you for stopping at D'Amore's sir. Um, muchas gracias por stoppingo at el pizza place-o. Oh, you're not Mexican? Togo where the fuck is that, I thought that was a frat party thing. Oh you're from Africa? Oh...well ya, I don't speak African. Sorry. You're nice, what's your name? Oh, you aren't talking to me? It's a blue tooth....ohhhhhh...Well ya, so Palihouse was closed, but I got pizza!!! Yeeeeya bitches. Haha, *hiccup* this is the greatest night ever...Ga Ga ra ra ra Want your bad Romaaaaance...I don't know where the fuck that whore Liz went. Probably sucking Ryan Reynolds' brothers dick. I would fuck a Canadian I guess. Um turn left up here sir, home sweet home...Laurel Canyon...oh fuck where are my keys, wait where's my purse?


Mike: Mark you fucking devil dog. You never fail to impress. Line up 6 shots Nick. Should we play a little drinking game ladies? Never have I ever stayed up late enough to watch the sun rise. Everyone drink because we're doing it tonight. Nick throw your iPod back on, that dumb cunt downstairs is out of town. After parties are the best, this shit only happens on the west side. I'm going down to the kitchen does anyone need anything? Ah fuck I think we're out of ice. Oh, Liz do you need something? Oh you're wondering where my room is...well I assure you there's nothing that awaits you in there except for my passed out friend and presumably a bucket of his vomit. But why don't I show you Mark's room, he has an excellent collection of abstract art that you might find interesting...


The ref steps in and calls the fight...TKO for Mike!!!


You know, it's hard to say I didn't see this coming. Erin had a strong first couple rounds, but I feel she just didn't have the stamina to hang in there for the later rounds. Some may say that Mike is guilty of using performance enhancing drugs, but we don't do testing here in the SoCal Face-Off. Erin still had a pretty cool night, it's just that Mike outpaced her and eventually fucked her friend, and we don't even know if Erin made it safely back into her apartment. Some may also attest the win to Mike having a stronger supporting cast, and he was probably also helped by the close proximity to everything in Venice, he was on foot the whole time, not at the mercy of cab drivers.

That does it for the inaugural So-Cal Face-Off. Check back often, and feel free to make suggestions for the next fight, maybe we'll even do a Los Feliz v Hollywood undercard or something next time. For now, the belt remains on the west side and Erin remains hungover. Until we meet again my friends, this has been SoCal Face-Off.

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