The Venmo Game

It's Coachella weekend guys! You know what that means, a bunch of privileged white kids (actually the line-up blows this year so the Mexicans can afford to go too!) will be going to the desert to do drugs. It's also a great time of year to play "The Venmo Game" aka Is this payment for drugs?

Unfortunately, most people don't have the balls to write "This payment is for drugs" so the fun in the Venmo game is to decipher the amateur coding by your friends. It can be tricky, but let's be honest, I know all their tricks.

What follows is a guide on how to tell if a Venmo payment is for drugs.

1. Vagueness

Let's take a look at Venmo now shall we, nothing better than a little trial by fire. Here is a payment that simply says "Friday."

Sure Friday could mean anything right? Maybe it was for dinner, or the two parties split a case of beer en route to a pregame. Maybe it was something as innocent as musical theatre!

But here is the thing...One does not simply write a vague proper noun to describe dinner. You put 100 sushi emotes to make the motherfuckers cruising your Venmo jealous. I GOT SUSHI BITCH YOU JERKED OFF AND WATCHED THE JINX. THAT'S WEIRD!

"Friday" clearly entails you stayed up until 6 in the morning ripping cocaine and debating about whether police brutality is justified. (It's not!)

2. The Timestamp

This one is best used with context. If you wake up Sunday morning and see a Venmo payment for "Brunch" posted 4 hours ago, it is more likely that instead of pancakes it was for a brunch buffet of MDMA. People do not prepay for brunch. People do not remember at 3 o clock in the morning that they owe someone from an old brunch. No, this is someone attempting to be clever but not taking into consideration all factors.

That said, a lot of people do make rash decision at 3am that have nothing to do with drugs. For example if you see "Matt and Kim tickets" it probably means two guys heard the song daylight and saw they were coming to town at the end of April. They may have been on drugs...they may do drugs at the show, but that SPECIFIC payment is likely not for drugs. Timestamp is also used well as a disqualifying factor. Most people aren't thinking of candy flipping as soon as they wake up in the morning. For this reason, anything 8a-Noon is usually a non-drug transaction or a NDT.

3. The Lay-up

Any time the emotes for beer, wine, liquor, red pill, cigarette, needle or eight ball are used.

OMG it's like a magic eight ball but it's for blow. SOOOOO fucking clever.

4. The Red Herring

Conversely, some people think it is funny to pay for rent under headings like "shrooms" to embarrass the other person. Also "pure heroine" could be for tickets to a Lorde concert.

5. An Event

This one is pretty easy. When does the transaction take place? Things you pre-pay for...a ticket, your share of the house, maybe even some alcohol and food.

Things you invoice people for after the effect...
1/2 of an 8ball, 1 gram of molly, 4 hits of acid.

Usually there is even a fun email attached. "Wow, what a weekend guys, totes hungover, can't wait to do it again. The breakdown for goodies was X per person, my Venmo name is blah-blah. Love ya! Laaaaate."

6. Vegas/Bachelor Party

It's for drugs.

7. Buzz Words

stuff, liver, choices, decisions, hangover, rage, rave, ouch, regrets, Kale Salad

These are all words associated with partying. There is literally an app called Vicemo that will curate results like this for you, but it's kinda cheating. I dunno, I'll still give you half credit. Evaluate the users and decide for yourself.

8. A Place

In general follow the same rules as 'an event.' Though the name of a place usually indicates that people were on vacation and in search of a good time. Unless someone instead just writes Texas Forever. This indicates that this person is a homey.

So there you go...8 simple rules to get you started. I, myself will not be going to Coachella this year. I've been to three festivals in the past 6 months and I'm a little partied out at the moment. On top of that, last weekend I celebrated the resurrection of Christ by raging my balls off in Sacramento while wearing a duck suit with my adopted California family. It was crazy, to protect the innocent (and guilty) I may be unable to provide a proper Seder wrap-up post.

Furthermore, I have my own plans for the desert this weekend. I'm going to Joshua Tree to chill out and get in touch with nature.

Haha, just kidding we're going to get super fucked up for a birthday party and I'll probably make everyone Venmo me for the shrooms I bring. Can you say MUSHROOM EMOTE?!?

Lol just kidding...

The shrooms are on me.

Enjoy your weekend everyone, be safe and responsible wherever you go. It's going to be a long weekend of Instagram envy for the losers without plans and I imagine there will be a fair share of hangover solidarity Monday. Come on over and sit in the dark with me. We have lots of water. We can watch The Jinx. (No jerking off though)