$112.68

The last thing I needed after a bender in Europe that consisted of Hulk Hogan bachelor parties and xanax fueled debauchery through the streets of London...I mean the absolute last thing I needed after going to this fucking wedding was to continue drinking.

It's been 30 days since I last worked in any regular capacity and I've done some expensive traveling and some extensive partying. Sure Labor Day Weekend is supposed to be one last salute to summer before we become heavily entrenched in football season and the looming inevitability of winter. But this is LA, every day is summer. And I don't even have a fucking job, why am I getting jazzed up for a three day weekend? Every week is a three day weekend when you're unemployed. Hell it's a 7 day weekend, I could start drinking right now and there would be limited consequences.

Lots of people were out of town, most of my friends had prior commitments. Oh, and my starting account balance was $112.68 Thursday afternoon. This is the story of my easy, low key Labor Day Weekend told one dollar at a time.

$112.68 Well it's Thursday night and there are only two pier concerts left. Everyone on my group chat is talking about the cheeses they are going to bring, there has been no mention of alcohol. I know I talked about staying soberish this weekend, but I mean come on...going to the pier and not drinking is like wearing a condom during sex. I'll get 2 (cheap bottles) so there is at least a little bit of wine flowing at our picnic. End Balance: $104.71

$104.71 I dropped a bottle while getting out of the car. God dammit. Now I'm going to show up with one cheap ass bottle of wine and look like a fucking shmuck. The homeless man that lives in my alley offered to help me clean it up, but I ran away because then he'll want something. I just sent a snap of the broken bottle and no one in my group laughed. They must be pissed, I better get another bottle. The liquor store by me doesn't have any cheap wine...I'm already over budget for the night. Ending balance: $92.80

$92.80 So my entire group brought at least one bottle of wine to the pier, WAY TO BURY THE LEDE GUYS. Are there really people that get more excited about our varied cracker selections than they do about the wine? I didn't have to get that second bottle...and now we are all extremely drunk, so drunk that we go to Big Dean's, it's ok beers are cheapish here. I got one round and my ending balance was...$72.80.

$72.80 Jesus I don't know what the fuck happened to me last night. It's not Friday morning and I am drenched in sweat. I now remember when I got home I started texting ex-girlfriends song lyrics and posting Wicked videos on social media. What is it with my black out affection for musicals, my phone is telling me I played "One Day More" seven times at 3 o clock in the morning. I am hungry now, but I just spent a quarter of my money at a stupid Jazz concert. Time to walk to Ralph's and buy 2 things of ramen, one for lunch, one for dinner. End Balance: $72.10

$72.10 I wrote a pilot! I am proud of myself! I wrote an entire fucking pilot about that god damn wedding and it only took me three hours. I deserve a beer. I'm going to Waterfront for Happy Hour. And guess what? We only stayed for one beer and someone bought it for me! Success! Ending balance $72.10.

$72.10b Turned out one beer wasn't enough. We decided to do a BYOB dinner afterward. Mao's is cheap as shit and you don't HAVE to drink to go there. But going to a BYOB restaurant and not drinking is like having sex with a condom, I'll get us a couple bottles of shitty wine. End balance $58.73

$58.73 Dinner was fun as always and even better? It was like $5 a person. God Bless you Mao's Chinese Kitchen. End balance $53.73.

$53.73 So I could have just called it a night after Mao's, but my neighbor was drinking with 2 other girls, obviously I stopped by for a drink and THEN we decided to go out for a night cap. A guy it hitting on one of my friends, uh oh. Now she has told this large Mexican that the two of us are dating. He moves onto one of the other girls. She tells him she is also dating me. He moves onto the third, she is also dating me. "What the fuck is going on?" It's Venice man, we're weird here. He still thinks he's being fucked with, I hand him a shot of tequila as a peace offering? He accepts. He now tells all of his buddies to 'check out this pimp with the three hot bitches.' These Lawndale imports are fascinated by me and buy me shots all night long. "How you do it homes?' 'You must have a huge dick.' 'You rich or something?' 'Tell me your secrets!' Um...I listen, it's all about listening boys. End Balance: $37.21

$37.21 It's now Saturday morning and I'm hungover again. Why? Why did I drink a bunch of tequila with a bunch of idiots from East LA that took the bus into Venice to pray on white girls? Because I am a savage with no self control, that's why. Anyway, we are going tailgating today at USC, yay! Obviously you don't need to drink in order to hang out on campus, but tailgating without alcohol is like having sex with a condom. After train tickets, a fifth of fireball (split 2 ways) and a stick of beef jerky (my meal for the day) ending balance is $25.20.

$25.20 I just drank a bottle of Fireball, I bonged two beers at the ZBT tailgate, they are asking me about ZBTs from IU, how do I tell him politely that I didn't kick it with a lot of jews? I shotgunned a beer and almost threw up. I feel unwell. But we're downtown, this is rare, this is fun! Let's go to a bar. We go to a little spot called Public School downtown. Looks expensive, I was lobbying for a shitty hole in the wall. Two microbrews later...$5.00

$5.00 It's now Sunday morning, all hope is lost. I have enough money in money in my account for 15 things of ramen. A check is supposed to arrive on Tuesday, maybe Wednesday. That will pull me out of my dire financial straights. I'm also realizing that I was a tad more intoxicated than I thought last night, I can't find my wallet. For some reason I find it in the freezer, my cards are stuck in it. I shake everything out of my wallet and a small miracle occurs. Laying on the counter is a $25 Kroger gift card. I'm fucking back baby. I go to Kroger and pick up 2 bottles of $12 wine and 3 things of ramen.
Ending balance: $5.00 cash Gift Card $0.02

$5.00b I roll up to a Labor Day eve bbq with my wine in tow. People seem pleased with my selection. We drink and eat salmon, life is awesome! We play cards against humanity, people make insensitive jokes, life is awesome! We find an old Nintendo 64 and play Smash Bros, life is awesome! I leave at 2 o clock in the morning and expect to go home and go straight to bed. WRONG. At 2:30am I get a text from an old coworker. "I'm outside your house in a car, get in." And you know what? Because I'm a fucking idiot, I go outside and get in! He takes me to a Culver City rave, I don't drink anything more but he slips me a molly. I dance my face off and lose 10 pounds in water weight. I make my buddy stop at a 7-11 on the way home so I can get a water. This is at 8am. Ending Balance: $4.00

$4.00 Well it's Monday now, around 2pm. Everyone is enjoying their hard earned day off, I am depleting one of my last tangible assets, more ramen noodles. I think I'll just sit here all day and watch US Open. That sounds fun, maybe I'll do some laundry and clean my pathetic excuse for an apartment. "Come to Hermosa.' Hmm...This seems like a fairly innocent text, I have been sitting on my ass all day. I grab a bike and roll down to Hermosa Beach for their annual Labor Day party.  I look fucking ridiculous in an American Flag bandana, a Kilroy's shirt and compression shorts. I arrive to a Stevie Nicks cover band just as a 60 year old woman croons "Landslide" everyone there is my parents' age and they are dancing like no one is watching. I hope I'm that cool when I'm older. Nearby an Ohio State game starts, I pop into the bar for a beer. It's Happy Hour, only 3 bucks, I can even tip this guy. Ending Balance: $0.00

$0.00 I'm now riding my bike back to Venice as the summer sun dips behind the Santa Monica mountains one last time. Thus closes another chapter in my life, a chaotic summer that will be firmly rooted in nostalgia for me one day. I pull up to my apartment and take one look at my thrashed kitchen and the landfill of dirty clothes populating my room. I consider spending the evening getting my life together, preparing for the challenges of the week ahead, but I long for that sweet sweet ramen. Tomorrow the beaches will be empty, the tourists will be gone and I will still be unemployed, plenty of time to do some dishes then. But for now I'm going to lay on this couch, throw on Mad Max for the 3rd time this week and eat a bowl of 33 cent noodles. Man I hope that check shows up tomorrow.