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| Sweater game ALWAYS been on point (and that turtleneck) |
Dear Santa,
Lance on the bus said you're not real, but his parents are getting divorced because of something with a pool boy. Also he's Jewish, I bet he's just jealous. This is probably just his way of dealing with it. I was really good this year, don't listen to what my brother says. Can I have a new Hot Wheels set, some legos, Laser Tag, a basketball hoop and a pool? Also A Duke Sweater…I wanna go to Duke and be like Christian Laettner when I grow up. Also some fun surprises and stocking stuffers. Thanks Santa, say hi to Rudolph for me!
-David
I wore the shit out of that Duke sweatshirt when I was little, I feel shame every day now. I would get the hot wheels set and laser tag, my dad even built a basketball court in the back yard. I realized from a young age that I would just ask for a couple ridiculous things and my parents would drop it like the Russian Judge's score and get me everything else.
Let's see another example from middle school…
Dear Santa, hey buddy, I was REALLLY good this year. Don't listen to my brother, he's a stupid fathead and he cries too much. If it's not too much trouble, I would like the following things this year…
Nintendo 64. Santa, this is non negotiable. If you do not get me this, it will be a bad Christmas, I will take back every single other item and go buy this. (Ed. Wasn't I a little cunt?) I also need Goldeneye and Mario Kart. And maybe Smash Bros too. Also I like the purple kinda see through controller, can I get 4 of those? Also a paintball gun, a BB gun and a lake house on Sweetwater. Also some surprises in my stocking i.e. MP3 player, mini DVD player, and what not. I also need an Iowa Sweater. I want to grow up to be like Brad Banks. Brad Banks is dope.
Best,
David
LOL, asking for a lake house on Sweetwater (Sweetwater was the Geist/Carmel lake house spot…ya even though we lived on a fucking lake we needed an ancillary lake house out of town) and a fucking MP3 player as a stocking stuffer. But I would get my Nintendo and my dad would usually get me like a $400 baseball bat as counter programming. I would be more excited about the Nintendo.
As high school moved along, the letter to Santa would change.
Dear Santa, sup dude, I was super good this year. Don't listen to my brother, he has ADD or something, if you have a spare moment, could you please make sure I get…
15" Subwoofers, do not get me 10's. I want to shake the block and set off car alarms. Also, I want that mirror tint. If you can find the Ron Artest throwback jersey that would be dope. I could probably use a new boom box for my room. Make it one that can burn CDs plz, I need to mass produce my mix tape. Are Air Force Ones still a thing? Get me some 13s…actually 14s, I want the girls at school to think I have a big dick. Also, The Cadillac CTS is really cool. Can I get like a 2004? It's used so it should be cheap.
Peace,
Aryan (my rapper name…my black teacher doesn't like it)
Ahh my wigger phase. I remember it well. No Cadillac for me that year but I did get a $500 Best Buy gift card. That was enough for some 12's and a new speaker system for my room. Also I wore the shit out of that Ron Artest throwback.
College the list became pretty predictable..
Dear Santa, I was good, get me this…
POLO. Seriously if it's not Polo I don't want it. In fact, I only want Polo where the horse is prominently displayed. Do not wrap it and put it under the tree unless it is fucking Polo. Or Lacoste. Or A North Face fleece. So help me God if you get me a regular fleece that isn't Polo I will never come home for Christmas again. I need a Burberry quarter zip too AND Sperry's in every color of the fucking rainbow. Maybe even some rainbow colored Sperry's (no homo) Also, I need you to pay for Spring Break, it's $2000.
Frat frat frat,
David B. Moeller
I get it, I was the worst. But ever since, I've become much more practical. The past few years, I have asked for socks. FUN SOCKS. Because fun socks are the shit. I'm wearing socks with sharks on them right now. Do you know what shark socks say about you? Shark socks say, 'I like to party, but I'm classy enough that I wear dress socks to work.' I already asked my mom for some Lululemon this year to further my yuppie look. I got kinda shut down. 'I get a great discount on Nike apparel through work.' 5 years ago this would have sent me on a tirade, this year? I just said 'cool.'
The older you get the harder you become to shop for and the harder it becomes to shop for others. For a while I had this trick that I would just buy people tickets to shit that I wanted to go to. "Merry Christmas I got you 2 tickets to the Colts game and you HAVE to take me." The same could go for a concert or play that was in town. This year I think I'm going to do Christmas sweaters for my family, because Christmas sweaters are the shit. Also I can only get my mom so many Yankee Candle/Sephora gift cards.
As for me? I guess it's just easiest if I paste the actual letter I wrote to Santa this year…
Dear Santa,
Hey man, how ya been? Is it snowing up at the North Pole? Some fresh powder for you and the elves to shred? Or is it 80 and sunny like Indiana #globalwarming? Anyway, I'll be honest with you, I've been kind of naughty this year. I didn't pay any of my parking tickets, I drank a lot and generally didn't take the best care of myself. Also, I was kind of a dick to some girls. We would have a thing going and then I would just, POOF and disappear. The kids call it ghosting, it's not that I actively attempt to be an asshole, it's just that adulting is hard.
Anyway, I need you bad this year man. Here is a non-exhaustive list of things that would substantially improve my quality of life.
-An $80,000 a year job that works no more than 40 hours a week, where I could just generally be kinda creative and shit. I have no idea what I can do specifically, but I'm generally pleasant to be around and I think I'm probably funnier than 6 out of 10 random people.
-Like $10,000 cash. I think everyone could significantly improve their situation with a quick 10k.
-UCB 201 classes. Last week at class, I tried to reference that scene from 'Catch me if you can' where Leonardo DiCaprio asks the dude if he concurs. The dipshit intern is like 'the boy told us that it was a bicycle accident.' And then Leo sternly replies SO YOU CONCUR? Anyway, the amateurs in my class totally didn't get the reference. How tf am I supposed to get famous if my classmates can't even quote mid 2000s Spielberg? I need to ascend to the next level.
-A sitcom! It doesn't even need to be a hit. Just get me like 6 episodes. There were 419 scripted tv shows that aired in 2015. Now I'll admit that if I was given the keys to a tv show, there would probably not be Emmys involved. But I am confident I could crack the top 400. It will be super cheap too. Everything would be steadicam and natural lighting. 8 hour days MAX.
-A Soho House membership. My dad says life is about networking. Networking at a social club for creatives is probably more productive than trying to impregnate women on the dance floor at Canal Club.
-A new bike. Some homeless dude stole mine. I'm not drinking for the first few months of 2016. I want to get shredded one last time before I'm 30. I will need a new bike to accomplish this.
-Flight lessons. Do you know how hard it is to quit drinking? If my life depends on it, I will be more likely to accomplish this goal.
-A boat. I don't need my own boat, but if you could pair me up with like 5 other people that requested a boat, we can all share it. See? I'm reasonable.
-You wanna pick up my car insurance for like 6 months? Paying $100 a month just to NOT get arrested seems kinda ridiculous.
-Can you make my hair grow back? I cut it for a girl and now I'm really missing my hair. My hair never complained when I couldn't get it up. It just sat there and chilled.
-See above. Can you give me something to deal with that?
-Fun socks. But they must be Happy Socks brand. Also the 54,000 podcasts I listen to tell me meUndies are comfy. Let's get some of those involved. And Birchbox men. I'm sick of only getting bills in the mail. I used to look forward to checking the mailbox.
-I don't own a black belt. Is this important? I have seven different pairs of flip flops and no black belt, lol Venice.
-Ok Santa, I'm kidding I don't need any of the above. I mean I would take it, but I'm not going to stop believing in you or anything if it doesn't happen. You're the shit man, you've been there for me forever. If you want to give me a little spending money for Tahoe and keep paying my cell phone bill that would be awesome. And fun socks, for real I want some fun socks. But you can get them at Target, they cost about a tenth as much as happy socks and are just as fun.
Have fun with the elves and shit this winter, I'll make sure to make you some cookies, but in lieu of milk I'll give you a white Russian. I know how fucking boring Indiana is, I'm probably going to spend the entire Holiday break getting drunk in the basement and re-enacting classic action movies with my cats. Just throw a pint of Beam in my stocking and we can call it a day.
Thanks dude,
Dave
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