Summer is coming

Oh God, the Santa Monica Pier Concert schedule came out today and it is LIT.  I mean the only thing that would make it more lit is if they added Lit to the schedule. If that happened I think late 20's white hipsters would have a stroke. Alas we have to settle for Mayer Hawthorne and a bunch of indie electro pop bands that probably played the Mojave tent at Coachella.

Quick story about Mayer Hawthorne... a lot of people describe him as a 'Soul' singer, but my experience at a MH concert was much different. It was UCLA graduation 2012. I had the penthouse suite at the Westwood W Hotel with a bunch of buddies. The guys in the room next to us? A then unknown One Direction. The Saturday night of that weekend, we fell into 10 free tickets to a Mayer Hawthorne concert at the Wiltern. We also had about 20 tabs of Molly. We took all of them.

I came to drenched in sweat sitting down on the corner of the L Bar dance floor. (L Bar used to be an awesome club in Hollywood, now it's called Warwick) Somehow we convinced a bunch of chicks to come back to the W with us where we continued to drink and order room service.

At about 3 in the morning we all inexplicably fell off the couch, bed, table we were sitting on and were convinced an earthquake had struck. I called the lobby to confirm our suspicions, but as it turned out we were all just really fucked up. That must be the ESP tripping that real drug addicts always talk about when they're trying to get you to do DMT.

Anyway, good times!

There will be more posts about the Pier as July approaches, but I bring up that story because I am going to a wedding with that group of sociopaths this weekend. As of this morning we had no way of getting up there, no place to stay and nothing really to wear. Honestly, I think a lot of us forgot about it during whatever Spring Break trip we just got done with. But I took an Adderall this morning, made coffee and now I'm ready to put together a handy guide on winning your last minute wedding.

Step 1: Don't Panic. You can always drive.
If the wedding is less than 400 miles away and you forgot to book a flight, you're driving. That's just all there is to it. An 8 hour drive isn't great, but look at it this way, you can knock out all of Serial season 2 on that drive. You can listen to all of Me Before You on book on tape. Or you can grab another buddy and you guys can catch up. People rarely 'catch up' after college. A long ass drive can be just the bonding time you need. Some people think driving home hungover is unbearable, but I would argue flying is worse. You can always pull over a car to vomit, you can't land the plane. Also, you can bring drugs...always a plus. If you don't have a car, look for an unlimited mileage rental place. I've found good deals from about $30 a day.

Step 2: Amazon that gift now.
I forgot to send one of my buddies a wedding gift once and then I panicked that I had waited too long and now I have an ingenious plan to send him an anniversary gift to redeem myself. I have literally been more racked with guilt over this than the fact that I don't have a job at the moment. Get on that registry and Prime some shit to the bride and groom with a nice message and then literally half your job is done.

Step 3: Same Day Dry Cleaning is a lie
I own one suit and I wear it for two reasons. Weddings and wrap parties. And guess what? After either they are completely thrashed. Fortunately, when I take my crumbled up and vomit stained suit to the Vietnamese man down the street, he works blood magic on it to make it look new. Unfortunately, it takes him like 3 days. There is nothing worse than rolling to the mall (or a thrift shop) days before the wedding because you forgot to clean some blood off of your sport coat.

Step 4: You can find a shitbag motel for $80
And you can split it four ways with some bros! Honestly, if you aren't in a major American city, you can even get like a Comfort Inn for $90.  It's not even THAT shameful to take a girl back to a Comfort Inn. I took a girl back to a Comfort Inn once and you know what? It was bad ass. There was a 24 hour hot tub and a free continental breakfast. It was a DOPE continental breakfast too, it had one of those waffle makers. I want a waffle maker. If I ever get married, that's going on the registry.

Step 5: Be fun at the wedding, but don't be that guy
You got invited to the wedding because the bride and groom like you, or at least they think you can help get the dance floor going. The measure of every wedding in your 20's is 'how turn was the dance floor?' But you also don't want to be the drunk guy that fucks a chick in the laundry room. I always aim to be the third drunkest person at these things. It's like with mountains, everyone knows that Everest and K2 are the first and second highest peaks in Asia. But what's third? Exactly.

Step 6: Bridesmaids are tough, for an easier degree of difficulty go for a single girl that came with her parents
The issue with the Bridesmaids is they know everyone at the wedding. 90 people will judge them if they dance too aggressively with you on the dance floor. 90 people will shame them if they see a cab drop her off in the morning. You know who won't? The neighbor girl that moved away in 5th grade but the families remained good friends. I've gone to a wedding with my dad where I knew no one. I would have hung out with Charles Manson if he would have taken shots with me. That's your target bruv.

Step 7: Be gracious with the adults
Every adult loves the charming guy that's had one too many. Dance with Grandma, ask Grandpa about some war stories, agree with drunk Uncle that the country is going to shit and maybe we should build that wall. This keeps you on the invite list for lake weekends and the such.

Step 8: Always remember, it's not about you
Ya maybe it would be fun to lead a band of marauders to the casino at 2am. Or hell, maybe even that one strip club that illegally serves alcohol after 3! But just remember, whatever decision you make, it should never take away from the bride and groom. You are there to provide a gift and some positive energy. This means take some goofy as photos in the photo booth. Participate in those dumb ass group dances (You will ChaCha and you will LIKE IT) and at the end of the night hopefully you will all have some memories and not too treacherous of a car ride home.