Of course this will all be exacerbated by egregious amounts of alcohol. Your mom will knock back enough Pinot to kill a small horse, your dad will be screaming about "the wall" in between aggressive swigs of whiskey and your cousin's new boyfriend is going to keep excusing them from the dinner table to do more coke in the bathroom.
I wouldn't want you to be unprepared though, so I have put together a handy guide on what the hot button issues will be at your dinner along with analysis and some non-committal responses that will keep you neutral enough that you should remain generally undisturbed while you drink beer and watch football.
DONALD TRUMP
Donald Trump is the 45th president of the United States of America. He won a shocking victory over Hillary Clinton and is quite polarizing because of his penchant for speaking his mind and not really knowing much about running a country.
What you probably think: HE'S A MONSTER. He's racist, he's sexist, he's driving the country into the ground.
What your parents (who secretly voted for him think) : He's inappropriate but we have a combined family income of over $400,000 a year and the economy is doing fucking great.
What your crazy uncle thinks: It's about time we took our country back from those libcucks and Mexicans! Did you see Trump CRUSH Lavar Ball on Twitter? LOL drain the swamp #MAGA #pede
How to stay completely neutral:
Well Trump did release those JFK files, who do you guys think did it!!!
(it's obviously better to argue conspiracy theories when drunk even if this conversation organically reveals a distant Aunt to be a 9/11 Truther)
HOLLYWOOD SEX SCANDAL
Over the past couple weeks a gigantic sex scandal has unfolded in Hollywood taking out a number of men accused of rape/sexual assault/harassment. The list includes but is not limited to: Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey, Jeffrey Tambor, Charlie Rose, Al Franken, Louis CK and many many more.
What you probably think: There has long been systemic abuse of power by men in this industry as well as many, many more. As devastating as this is, the silver lining is that it shines a light that we need to put more women in high ranking roles to shift the power imbalance in the industry.
What your sister who married her high school sweet-heart and now has seven kids thinks: I knew LA was fucking disgusting, this completely validates my decision to settle for a man with a job and a house in the Castleton neighborhood of Indianapolis. I'm perfectly happy being a stay at home mom.
What Grandpa Joe thinks: I knew those gays were up to no good.
How to make a hard left off this topic: Deflect by putting the family cat in this costume!
Full disclosure: We put my roommate's cat in a Halloween costume and she hated it so much she ran away. Maybe just tell Grandpa Joe to shut the fuck up and pass the potatoes.
NFL PROTESTS
Over the past couple seasons several NFL players have started kneeling for the anthem or raising a fist in solidarity to fight police injustice against the African American community. As you might imagine...people have thoughts.
What you probably think: Hey whether I think they are going about it the right way or not is largely inconsequential to the issue at hand, the players have a platform and they are trying to use it for good, police injustice is a human rights issue that we should all be concerned with.
What your mom probably thinks: That Colin Kapernick was so handsome before, why doesn't he cut his hair?
What your step-dad thinks...actually let's not check in with him because a hard N is possible if not likely.
How to stay completely neutral: Suggest a game of real football! Similar to children, a sneaky trick with adults is that they tire out easily! Go kick the shit out of everyone over 40 and under 10 on the gridiron and then you and the sensible cousins can keep partying while everyone else nods off on the couch for 8 hours.
Immigration/Travel Bans/Health Care/Net Neutrality/Anything else
What I think: Oh my God can we just go see Justice League now or something?
What nephew Braden thinks: I heard that our family basically pays everyone's taxes and kids only don't have health care if their dads don't have jobs.
What Great Grandma Cheryl thinks: WHERE IS MY VODKA?
How you can completely diffuse the situation: Well we can all agree that Lena Dunham sucks, right? Cheryl pass the vodka and let's play some low stakes Euchre.
Enjoy the turkey everyone, and remember even if your second cousin twice removed Mikal is a nazi, listening to him talk about David Duke still beats going to work!
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