Hi there, I have something to get off my chest. My 2016 movie list was trash, like legitimate garbage. Ok maybe it wasn't THAT bad, but seriously, fucking Fences? That movie blows. I mean it's not bad, bad but if I ever had to sit through it again I would probably carve out my eyes with a kitchen knife.(That's a reference to another 2016 movie that didn't make the list.)
I also overrated the 174 hour OJ doc so please move that down to number 8, remove Fences and the new number 2 for 2016 is Everybody Wants Some!! a fun flick that paired with number one on this year's list has inspired a new feature that I'm writing. A great movie doesn't necessarily need conflict, it can be a breezy stroll through a fun time period with likable characters, at least that's what I'm banking on. So everyone look forward to my next script that is essentially Before Sunset on the last day of college in Bloomington, Indiana in 2009.
Before I get to my top 10, I want to mention that I didn't LOVE a lot of movies in 2017, there were a lot in the good to decent range including these honorable mentions that I would all give a 7/10: Bladerunner 2049, Star Wars, Ragnarok, Spider-Man, Wind River, Lego Batman, Baby Driver, Logan and Wonder Woman. Ok off to the list.
10. American Made
Drugs might not be cool, but movies about drugs are fucking awesome. Well at least the first two hours are awesome. Goodfellas, Scarface, The Wolf of Wall Street, all movies with phenomenal first and second acts, but then they have to teach me some sort of moral lesson and show the main character's downfall. I am not here for that. I am here for Leo drunk crashing his helicopter into his backyard with absolutely no consequences at all.
GOOD NEWS! American Made is just the first two hours of a drug movie. It's awesome, it features cocky Tom Cruise just kinda hand waving the whole Iran-Contra scandal while he runs cocaine for Pablo Escobar. He evades about 12 government agencies while getting rich as shit and operating an airport out of his backyard. How cool is that? The character's entire comeuppance lasts 5 whole seconds and takes place off screen! A fan edit of all drug movies that ended at minute 120 would greatly improve an entire genre of film.
9. The Florida Project
If you read my best tv of 2017 column last week, I clearly stated that I like shows about rich people doing rich people things, but I also have a soft spot for movies about precocious poor kids growing up in the south. The Florida Project is kind of like Beasts of the Southern Wild except instead of Louisiana swamps it takes place in a shitty motel outside of Disney World.
I can't really relate because I always stayed at dope hotels in Disney World and I will now power rank them for you.
1. Grand Floridian
2. Contemporary
3. Polynesian
4. Swan and Dolphin
5. Beach Club
6 (tie) Wilderness Lodge
6 (tie) Animal Kingdom Lodge
8. Yacht Club
9. Boardwalk Inn
10. Coronado Springs
11. Caribbean Beach
12. Port Orleans
13. All Star Movies
14. All Star Music
15. All Star Sports
That's not really a review for the movie, I just wanted to remind everyone that I love Disney World.
8. The Trip to Spain
Here is a movie you definitely have never heard of...and good news, it's available on Netflix! The Trip to Spain is the third in a series of road trip movies featuring Steve Coogan (Hamlet 2) and Rob Brydon as they travel around Europe getting drunk on wine and doing Michael Caine impressions. If that doesn't do it for you, I don't think I can help you. I'm sorry I found that more interesting that a movie about a stressed out seamstress.
7. The Lost City of Z
Charlie Hunnam is the largest enigma of an actor working today. He is so laughably bad in movies like Pacific Rim and Crimson Peak but they he is shockingly competent in films like Green Street Hooligans and The Lost City of Z.
The film is a sweeping epic adventure film that follows the true life of British explorer Percy Fawcett who was sent by the British Government to find an ancient lost city of gold in the Amazon. Hilarity ensues...I'm just kidding he gets attacked by Indians and shit and it's super dope. Robert Pattinson also kicks ass as his assistant. It's currently available to stream on Amazon.
6. Dunkirk
There isn't much left to say about Dunkirk at this point. It's a breathlessly stressful 100 minute look at the realities of war. Wear a Fitbit during this one because my heart was exploding out of my chest. Sure, Christopher Nolan movies may lack heart and even interesting character development, this flick barely has any dialogue BUT it does have Tom Hardy as a fighter pilot and I could watch that for the rest of my life.
Also: Harry Styles, not a terrible actor!
5. Three Billboard Outside Ebbing Misourri
Let me give you the set-up of this movie. It's about the mother of a girl who was raped and murdered seeking justice for her daughter. Also it's a comedy. Let that sink in a little bit.
I mean maybe it's not fair to call the movie a straight up laugh fest, if you're familiar with any of McDonagh's previous work you'll understand. The performances in this film are among the best of the year: McDormand, Harrelson and especially Sam Rockwell absolutely knock it out of the park. The movie is shockingly violent, surprisingly hilarious and somehow after all that...heartwarming? I'll let you make up your own mind about it, it's not a traditional murder mystery but a character study of a small town and how it deals with tragedy.
4. The Big Sick
I am of the opinion that Kumail Nanjiana is a painfully unfunny comedian so I was prepared to hate this movie. But it turns out he's a pretty good writer and actor! Another "comedy" that isn't what it seems (what's more hilarious than falling into a coma?) this is really a movie about relationships between families and how they interact. Kumail's traditional parents are the fucking worst, Ray Romano's character is deeply flawed and Holly Hunter's character is holding on to anger from the past. It's fascinating to watch all of this go down during a medical emergency.
Hunter and Romano deliver Oscar worthy performances but my favorite relationship in the film is that between Kumail and the parents of his ex-girlfriend (specifically Romano) it's a true testament to how extraordinary life events can drive people together. Basically what I'm trying to say is if the last girl I had sex with slipped into a coma, I don't think I would handle it this well.
3. IT
I haven't had more fun at a movie all year than I did at IT, which is basically just an R rated Goonies with a bunch of 12 year old kids making dick jokes. I think I was primed to love this movie because I read the book (which is approximately 600000 pages) and went to the haunted house in Hollywood the week before it comes out, but I think the mix of nostalgia, violence and Finn Wolfhard using the phrase "Go blow your dad you mullet wearing asshole" really pushed it over the top for me.
Despite losing True Detective season one helmer, Cary Fukunaga, early in production, IT managed to be the rare mid budget studio horror film that works (and reignited everyone's absolute fear of clowns)
The cast is wonderful, the film manages to be truly terrifying yet funny at the same time and has be super excited for what Argentinian director Andy Muschietti has next. Check out his last film, Mama, which was scary as shit. Also check out this ridiculous Wikipedia article about the clown sighting scare of 2016. People are weird.
2. Get Out
GET OUT IS A PROPAGANDA FILM ARGUING FOR THE GENOCIDE OF WHITE MEN. Lol jk, I was just doing my best r/the_donald alt-right impersonation. Get Out is dope on its face just as a movie, also I appreciate that it has something to say about society. That said I'm not going to get into its message because I'm not a 'woke' film critic for The Atlantic. Nay, I would like to praise the performances: Alison Williams proves she can do more than just get her ass eaten, Daniel Kaluuya breaks through to American audiences and oh my god does Lil Rel Howery become a star.
There's been a lot of controversy as to why the Golden Globes chose to classify this film as a 'comedy' and I will now teach you about the politics of awards. Studios choose what to submit their film for. The good folks at Blumhouse likely thought they had a better chance of winning best picture - comedy at the Globes therefore raising awareness for their film ergo more people will see it...or perhaps they were all just drunk from making 250 million on a 4.5 million dollar budget. That's a classic 5000% return on investment, holy shit!
1. Lady Bird
Lady Bird is about an awkward girl trying to be popular at her high school in a shitty city in the year 2002, BOY DO I KNOW ABOUT THAT. The film nails teen angst on such a visceral level that it made me uncomfortable a few times, but it's perfect. Go see it, trust me. I'm going to take the rest of this review to talk about something very important to me: A defense of Dave Matthews.
Yes, much of the discourse around Lady Bird has been about it's quirky and 'uncool' soundtrack that prominently features the Dave Matthews Band, specifically the song 'Crash into me.' Now while I will agree that 'Crash' is one of Dave's weaker songs, if you do not like DMB writ large, you can go straight to hell. Central Park is a perfect album, I have made out with at least 17 different girls while the song '#41' played at Deer Creek in Noblesville, IN. Dave is an integral part of my childhood.
I mean just look at this night two set list from 2004, it's unfuckingreal! I remember night one I got so drunk that I didn't make it off the party bus, but night two? Night two was magical! We all got to spend the night in Paige Goodwin's basement which was a big deal because we were 17 having a co-ed sleepover. Did you ever have co-ed sleepovers in high school? They were the shit. People would go into closets and make out. People would drink really terrible booze like Parrot Bay and Malibu and get absolutely thrashed but then the parents would still order us pizza because we were suburban kids in Carmel, Indiana and that's what parents did.
Upon further examination, maybe Indiana wasn't that bad.
Hope y'all enjoyed my list. Tell me how much of an idiot I was on Facebook and we can spend the next two days arguing.
No comments:
Post a Comment