Wednesday, January 3, 2018

Am I old? An investigation

Introduction: I never really grew up.

This isn't news to most of my readers as the content on this blog is largely that of someone who is 30 going on 22. I still have two roommates, we share a bathroom and for the last 10 days there have been three people staying on our couch. These are not the actions of an adult, these are moves of someone who is desperately pushing away adulthood as long as they can possibly muster it.

My hair is long, like really long. I'm routinely told that I look about seven years younger than I am. This is not a mistake. See, if people perceive me to be younger, then it subconsciously excuses a majority of my actions.

I haven't made my bed in three weeks, I do laundry quarterly, I slept until 2pm until New Year's Day. I went to Burning Man last year, I smuggled a bottle of wine into a movie last week. I am relevant. At least I thought I was until yesterday.

Like many of you, I was just trying to survive my hangover yesterday when a welcome distraction arrived: The Coachella 2018 line-up dropped! I have never been a big music guy, but I enjoyed getting very drunk and rummaging around a field with LA's elite. I had gone every year 2012-2016 before taking a year off because I got some devastating personal news the Thursday before weekend 2 2017. But I planned to go back at some point, why not? It's fun to do the camping thing, teach your neighbors regional drinking games, play dodgeball, make out with strangers at the silent disco. I mean, shit I used to be the king of the music festival. I've been to 5 Lollas, 5 Chellas, 4 HARDs, a couple CRSSD, North Coasts and Snow Globes. If there was a field with white people taking drugs in it, I was there.

You can imagine my surprise when I saw this...


On first glance, it looked like a standard if not a little boring festival. People seem to like The Weeknd, especially since he cut off that horrendous bird nest off his head. Somehow he managed to date Bella Hadid and Selena Gomez in the past year (though Selena wised up and returned to the Biebs, bless up)

Next we have BeyoncĂ©, who despite not having a hit song since 2013 people still worship as if she is a literal goddess. But hey, I liked Halo and Irreplaceable (2005-2010 was peak BeyoncĂ©) and I know people were bummed that she had to bail due to a pregnancy last year so I'm on board with this.

Then Sunday we get Eminem, a 45 year old rapper that built a career making fun of gay people who has had a resurgence in part by making fun of Trump. Curious. But hey, Eminem Show was a banger and I liked the SNL performance so I can confidently say that these are three headliners that I have heard of, and even enjoy to a certain extent.

But then...then we fall off a cliff. In fact I had to double check to make sure what I was looking at was indeed authentic. It was when I made it to line two that I had the sinking sensation that I just wasn't cool anymore.

Friday: A novelty video and a random Marley

I remember the music video for 'Virtual Insanity' it featured a short guy in a funny hat jumping around a room with a bunch of treadmills on the floor. It was basically OK Go before OK Go was a thing. I remember trying to dance like him by jumping off of things and reversing directions and falling down a lot.

I was 9.

Now apparently 20 years later, the funny guy in the hat is still alive and subheadlining one of the biggest festivals in the world. What a time to be alive.

Also closing the night Friday likely at the Outdoor stage is someone called SZA. I'm familiar with the GZA and the RZA, unfortunately it appears they are unrelated. Kygo is going to try to stretch out trop-house's 15 minutes of fame for one more year, Vince Staples is going to replay is 2016 set and apparently St. Vincent has decided to take some time away from directing horror movies to grace us with her presence. How thoughtful.

Deeper down the card I don't recognize a single name. There is a random Marley, who after deep internet research (a google) I can confirm that he is a grandson of Bob. Honestly there are so many goddam Marleys that if I was a black dude with long hair I would just call myself Dave Marley and I'm sure people would just assume I was legit.

Bands that I have never heard of that I might investigate based on name alone: The Regrettes who I imagine are a three piece all female punk band who look like Haim if Haim did more crystal meth.

Saturday: An old man and this fucking guy
Excuse me, enhance!


Wut?

I'm not going to stand on my soap box and scream that pop stars need to be conventionally attractive, but my God. This dude would make a Vice employee blush.

Let's see who else is on Saturday. Haim? I used to like them, but then one of my former colleagues informed me that the song 'The Wire' was written about him and I feel bad listening to it now. I'm here for you DH.

Anyone else? I see a couple indie bands that were big in Brooklyn 8 years ago, a couple dudes who were more famous when they were in a band, a chick famous for guesting on a Major Lazer song and Chromeo.

Fun fact: Every Jewish girl has at one time or another fantasized that Chromeo (a nice Jewish boy) would sweep her off her feet and finally get her mother to stop nagging at Thanksgiving.

As is theme, the rest of the line up is made of people I haven't heard of. I see AC Slater listed but I largely doubt it's Mario Lopez reciting his radio commercials about eating placenta or whatever kind of weird shit he's in to, though I imagine it would be an improvement.

Bands that I have never heard of that I might investigate based on name alone: KITTENS or Bane's World, both I imagine to be death metal bands that actively advocate for the torture of animals during their sets. Maybe Sunday will improve.

Sunday: Odesza doesn't believe in supply and demand

If you haven't seen Odesza live I'm going to go out on a limb and say it's your fault. This must be the thirstiest band alive because on top of playing about 20 shows in southern California the past three years, this will be their third Coachella since 2014 in addition to playing almost every festival imaginable since 2015. Hell they played SEVEN shows in a row at SXSW last year. It's not that Odesza is bad, it's moreso like the fact that I'm sick of Elf by December 25th, too much of a good thing.

Elsewhere on Sunday we have the Bad and Boujee guys, fucking Cardi B and one of Khloe Kardashian's ex boyfriends! Hard pass! Remember when bands like RHCP and Arcade Fire would have epic closing sets at Coachella? Remember Calvin Harris during the height of dance music, hologram Tupac and Kendrick Lamar? I mean even Drake was OK.

Well now you get Bodack Yellow. Enjoy!

Bands that I have never heard of that I might investigate based on name alone: Motor City Drum Ensemble who I have to believe are the little kids that bang on paint buckets at the halftime ceremonies of NBA games sometimes. I know Detroit is struggling so I'm glad someone is giving these kids a chance. I wonder what surprise guest they'll bring out!

Conclusion: I am old and out of touch

I don't know how it happened, but like Robin Williams in Hook, I got old without knowing it. The music scene completely passed me by. Current trends passed me by, I don't even know how to properly send an Instagram story. Seriously, how do you make a word stick to a picture and track with it? That's so cool! I still use Facebook, I hate social media influencers, I don't understand memes.

It's all downhill from here. Honestly I expect to get even grouchier, start complaining about people with tattoos, maybe even start reading the newspaper. I'm a lost cause. My hangovers last for days now, I'm gaining weight, my skin has gone to shit. Honestly someone should just take me out back and put a bullet in me. Pray for me as I fade into irrelevance.

Or this Coachealla line up just really blows, I dunno.

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