You see those fucking palm trees? I scaled one last night and fetched myself a coconut, then I cracked it open on a medical marijuana billboard and drank the milk and now I'm pretty sure I'll live forever. So I'm here, living on a couch with a suitcase full of pastel polos and shorts and a trunk full of Kilroy's tshirts. I have 2 cell phones, this cute little mac book air and a mismatching pair of flip flops, that's about it. I'm going to fit in about as well here as Paris Hilton did on the Oxygen network (boom, industry joke, her show got cancelled yesterday)
I'm already preparing for "Where are you from? What's Indiana? You worked in Chicago, I've heard it's fun to visit once in your life. What's your dad do? You mean there are professions outside of film? What are those weird shoes you are wearing?"
I'm from Indiana, it's a state in the midwest, we have a race and Peyton Manning. Chicago is awesome if you have a serious college hangover and need to get it out of your system, it snows. My dad is in private wealth, it's like a stock broker, umm...Wall Street the movie, no he's not a criminal. He's from Iowa, it's like Indiana kinda but more farmy, no I'm not an assistant, I work for a start up. These are Sperry's. GOD DAMMIT YOU STUPID FUCKING CUNT! Not everyone has a film producer dad and is from Beverly Hills. Your Tom's shoes look stupid and those skinny jeans make your ass look fat. No not good hip hop video fat, like you smoked too much pot and got late night pizza too many times fat.
I will have to become a hipster assassin.
Moving out here I figured it would be the epicenter of mainstream media. I mean all the studios, record labels, tv production companies are out here. If I want to see a good concert tonight I should have 20 options of bands that have had a number one in the past 6 months. They all live and record here right? But no, instead my options include going to a music festival headlined by a band called "!!!" How the fuck is that even pronounced? "AHHH RAGE RAGE AHHH!!!" That would be my first guess.
Slowly I will start building my army out here, midwestern transplants who wanted their hungover NFL to start at 10am instead of 1, pool parties in January and the constant possibility of bumping into Blake Lively. It is going to be an uphill battle, I know few people out here and the only bar that I fit in at has a crane game with live lobsters. Honestly there is nothing better than striking out on a chick and taking your anger out on marine life. But fuck it we all start somewhere, and I am starting right here at the bottom. And I'm either going to swim or find myself a shopping cart and an old rag and sleep on the beach with all the other wise homeless people in the country.
You may not understand the references like you did in Chicago. (OMG he mentioned McFadden's I've like totally been there) But please join me as I brainwash the left coast into thinking that Third Eye Blind is still relevant music...and if I fail miserably well, everyone watches autoracing for the crashes...
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