Staying in

I'm planning a party this weekend for a roommate's birthday. But it's also kind of like a rush party, I am going to be hitting on all of my friends to come join my growing faction on the west wide. See, I tried the Hollywood scene, but I am not Jewish nor wealthy enough to make that happen, and at the end of the day I work for a frat newspaper. That doesn't hold a ton of weight in "the industry." So when you try your hand at something and you don't fit in, you build something better and cooler and then crush the competition. Who the fuck was still rolling around with ATO my senior year? I rest my case. But needless to say, I want this party to be epic. I want everyone to walk away struggling as they pick the pieces of their brain off the ground after their mind is blown and think "Ya, the west side is pretty rad, I'm moving there tomorrow." Now I realize that my party won't compare to what went down in North Pasadena, but I look forward to people cutting loose...taking shots, doing keg stands, maybe two bros ripping their shirts off and getting in a fight. This is not par for the course out here.

In fact, I received an email asking if their would be vegetarian food options...please direct your attention to the following block quote and ask yourself if you think this is the type of party that will have vegan food options.

We will be providing a limited amount of booze and (comment redacted) and depending how hungover I am from Friday night I may go to the store to get some shit to grill...don't bet on it though. 


Are you fistfucking me? No there will not be veggie options. There will be 12 dollar handles of vodka, some kegs and a box of frat patties. Maybe I'll get some kettle chips or something, does that count? But that whole attitude is wrong anyway. This is not a dinner party, this is a "let's wake up in a ditch" party. This is a party where you don't wear your nice lingerie, because you are going to wake up in a stranger's room wearing his tshirt and a pair of shorts, and you are going to get the fuck out of there before he wakes up and it's awkward. How do I ingrain this lifestyle into these people? This is just how it works. THIS is fun. "Oh grow up, college is over!" Fuck you.

And then there are these people. The "Oh, I'll try to make it, but I was planning on staying in this Saturday." Really? You plan that shit? "I have a massive hangover from several controlled substances, I am bedridden." That's fine. "The risk of my recent Irritable Bowel Syndrome is too much of a social risk tonight." Noted, no one wants to be the party pooper. Even "that sounds cool, but I've got a better offer, my girlfriend and I are going to a party in the hills and Megan Fox wants to have a threesome." Fine you can totally diss my party, every man for themselves, Ayn Randian selfishness, do what will maximize your happiness. I would do the same.

But..."I'm having dinner with friends on Friday and then staying in Saturday," is totally unacceptable. Who the fuck do you think you are? You are "above" having fun. You're too mature to let loose and get rip shit wasted. You know what, YOU grow the fuck up. Who do you think you are impressing with that lame shit. Do you think there is a group of people that is going to think to themselves at the party, "Oh, Jenna stayed in? What an adult decision of her. That is fiscally responsible, and probably good for her overall health." No, they say "what a fucking loser pass that gravity bong."

Have you ever asked someone how their weekend was and they reply, really relaxing? Do you know why people say this? Two reasons, either they didn't do shit and want to make it sound palatable or they went on a coke bender and they aren't quick enough on their feet to tell you an alternate story. Staying in isn't relaxing, it's fucking hell. You keep envisioning all the fun that your friends are having that you are missing out on. There isn't shit on tv, your roommates keep bugging you and if you resort to drinking alone to survive the night you are a double loser.

There are a million excuses but I have a million and 1 comebacks. "I don't have any money." Down a bottle of rubbing alcohol before you go out. "But I don't trust myself when I'm drunk." Leave your credit card at home. "I'm overweight, alcohol is empty calories." Go for a fucking job. "I'm upset, I'm having relationship issues." I don't give a fuck, SACK UP, BURY YOUR EMOTIONS AND GO FIND A SLUMPBUSTER!

I realize this all sounds very childish to a lot of you. I must seem like a fucking caveman in Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Just stuck right in the middle of social and esteem. But maybe I am self-actualized. Maybe I am more advanced than any of you because I'll take off my mask and spit the truth to you. I often hide behind this keyboard and portray this over the top fictionalized version of myself. But the truth is my current goals have nothing to do with getting married, becoming a father or writing an oscar winning screenplay. I aspire to get hammered this weekend and have a good time. So you can understand why staying in won't necessarily get me to where I want to be. However, if you make a list of SMART goals today and realize that to get a promotion at work it is prudent that you spend Saturday night watching Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, by all means, do it. You keep chasing your dreams...I'll be busy living mine.