I think I finally know what I want to be when I grow up. It may have taken a quarter of a century, but I think I've figured it out. Obviously my end game is to be able to write in some capacity, and sure, lots of the glory is in features. Most aspiring writers don't dream of being television hacks, but where there is a lot of glory is that of a tv show runner. This is basically the guy that comes up with the idea for the show, sells it to the network, writes the pilot and then maintains all creative control of the series moving forward. Think of Dan Harmon at Community (before he got axed) Kurt Sutter at Sons of Anarchy, Matthew Weiner at Mad Men, Terrence Winter at Boardwalk Empire. All of these guys are major badasses.
Unfortunately in order to get into the machine you have to start at the bottom where I am now. I have no complaints about my job, I view it as a very necessary evil. I will not get food orders forever, it is a stepping stone to eventual happiness. It's very much akin to being a pledge before you are allowed to join the frat. You are kind of part of the whole scene but not really. Most people don't go out of their way to be a dickhead to you but some will, that and many of my duties are things that I learned to do as a pledge and haven't really done since, such as cleaning up after myself, and others. I'm a fairly cocky, arrogant guy. I am physically superior to almost everyone, well...I'm taller than most people. I'm loud, imposing and I have a lot of fun.
I remember when I was a pledge my general demeanor really rubbed some people the wrong way, it was like "Why aren't you more miserable? You are supposed to fucking hate this." But I didn't really because when I left the frat after cleaning up or getting barfed on, I would shower, get drunk and go have sex with a random chick. My life wasn't that bad. I feel like the hierarchy of tv is very much the same. I am a pledge. The producers are the Seniors. Everyone else on the staff is somewhere between neophyte and Junior. Most of the people are super cool and really don't give a shit what the pledges (PAs) are up to because they have a show to make. (I equate this to frat guys having girls to fuck.) Note that the cool guys in the frat never gave a shit about the pledges, they were too busy finding good houses to party with, going on epic road trips, and generally drinking beer and gunning chicks. Outside the occasional fuck up that directly influenced them (losing a key to the booze fridge) they generally didn't think twice about you at all.
This directly correlates with tv. 99% of the staff is all smiles with me until I fuck up something that either gets them in trouble with their boss or directly impacts their job, making them work longer or harder. But once in a while you encounter that guy that lives in the valley (in a shitty upstairs single) that still remembers getting picked on when he was a pledge (PA) and he doesn't like your fucking arrogance. Wipe that smile off your face underling, go get me a bottled water (beer.) He can't stand the fact that you are going to go out in Venice (Briscoe) tonight and bang some chick (bang some chick) while he wonders why he is still just an assistant editor (Sophomore with no people skills) I'm going to haze the fucking shit out of you because I'm still miserable.
Our assistant editor is the shit actually and so are 99% of the people I work with, it is just something I have picked up on in life. The losers can never let their hardships go. I had to work 14 hour days (14 hour line-ups) so you are going to. People yelled at me, so I'm going to yell at you. Meanwhile the cool guys are just social climbing until they get to work on an HBO show (this is like the equivalent of living in Shingles or super frat)
But now that I'm done with my extended metaphor, what changes would I make to the world of Production? Funny you ask, I have a few thoughts.
First of all, life in production is pretty intense, and I am not cut out for it. The natural route for someone in my position is to become production secretary, assistant production coordinator, production coordinator and then if you're lucky you're a unit production manager getting a lowly co-producer credit by the time you're 50. On my side of the office it is printing scripts, re-printing scripts on different colored paper, collecting release forms, dealing with insurance, budgeting camera rental equipment...fuck that. I need to take a hard right to the end of the hall where the creative staff hangs out. Writers meetings, nerf guns, writer's block beers, that's the shit I'm talking about. I don't even know if any of that stuff exists, but I fantasize what the week would look like if I were the show runner. I imagine there would be considerably more youth and exuberance and fewer vegan options on the lunch menu. In fact you would think that television shows that are trying so depserately for that 18-49 demo would skew young. In fact they do not. I don't know if my show has a single writer in their 20's, even the writers assistants appear to be in their 30s.
Maybe it's been tried before and it became a production nightmare. If the writers are just casually drinking all day and the tv show adopts a laissez faire attitude it must be a nightmare to get things done. But maybe that fun atmosphere on a television show transcends the television waves? Well hopefully we'll find out, because if the Glowfest show gets the greenlight and I'm a writing producer I can't imagine that I'll spend more than 5 hours and 3 four lokos on an episode outline before I say "fuck it, let's shoot it and see what happens." Television needs more of that.
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