Saturday, March 16, 2013

Kickstart this

Everyone has been internet high fiving all week (plus 1'ing each other's tumblers probably) because Veronica Mars gave crowd sourcing a huge win. If you are unfamiliar with crowd sourcing and/or Veronica Mars that's because you aren't a tech obsessed web 2.0 faggot. Allow me to explain.

You are probably familiar with Kickstarter. Some jackass has a terrible idea, and you can make all of his hopes and dreams come true if you just donate $10 to the cause, you won't be charged unless he hits his goal. And you are a total dick if you ignore him and pledge nothing. So what I usually do is wait until the last minute when it's clear this person won't reach their goal...oh shit 5k away and only an hour left? I'll pledge 20 bucks and look like a fucking saint. But it will never actually hit my bank account because this Kickstarter campaign has FAILED.

Then with 5 minutes left, this asshole's mom pledges the other 5 grand so he hits his goal, now I just gave 20 bucks to some vegan tool in my office who wants to invent biodegradable jeans. Motherfucker.

Recently Kristen Bell aka Sarah Marshall was part of some campaign to make a Veronica Mars movie. (Apparently it was a cult tv show that ran for like 3 years on the WB in the mid oughts.) If they could raise 2 million dollars, they will make a movie. Thus, the power is in YOUR hands internet. In pledging you get silly rewards for each benchmark. 10 bucks you get like a movie poster, 20 bucks you get a ticket to an advance screening, 100 bucks you get a signed poster, 1000 bucks you get a SKYPE date with one of the cast members. OH GOD, I CAN'T wait to talk to the 5th billed character actor about how important my contribution was. And for like 10 grand (only 5 slots available) you and a guest get to go to A HOLLYWOOD PREMIERE!!!! OMFGGGGGG.

Basically any homeless person that hangs around the ArcLight Hollywood long enough gets invited to a film premiere, it's really not that tight.

But anyway, by making these pathetic middle class folk dish out their last shekel to fund this movie that would otherwise never get a green light, a win win situation is created. The production company has 0 risk because the movie has been funded partially (or entirely) by YOU! The fans win because they got to help revive a product they were still holding onto nearly 10 years after the fact. Nevermind the fact that the stars of the movie could easily scratch together that cash together to independently finance the film, the financiers (you) will never see a penny of potential film profit. I suppose I would hate this idea a little less if you were in effect purchasing shares of this film, but no, you're just helping nudge the process along.

So that's that. I guess it's not all bad, the people that are donating don't seem to be too upset about it and other than the fact that studios are now NEVER GOING TO FUND ANOTHER LOW BUDGET MOVIE when "hey, have you thought of Kickstarter? Veronica Mars raised 2 million dollars in 11 hours!" It's the other unintended consequence that scares me more.

This story was very fucking public. And it was celebrated as a win for the internet and the common man, you can vote with your dollars! Now everyone...even those that aren't high on internet/tech/start-up culture. They fucking know this happened. Every fucking jackass you know in the next year is going to hit you up with his retarded fucking kickstarter.

Subject: Help me fulfill my dreams.

Message: As many of you know, I have always wanted to help people. Early on I felt my calling in the medical field, but it turns out that a life as a male nurse is not as fulfilling as advertised. I realize now that my true calling is to be an actor, make people laugh and give others hope. Please help me fulfill my lifelong area  by paying for my acting lessons! Donate 10 dollars and I'll send you a video of me acting out a famous scene! 50 dollars and I'll write and perform a monologue for you! 100 dollars and I will thank you at my first Oscar Acceptance LOLZ! Thanks for helping me fulfill my destiny!!

I mean, you have got to be fucking kidding me. That bullshit reminds me of a scheme I once tried in college. I was studying abroad and I badly wanted to return for Little 5. I thought "how epic would it be if we just casually flew back to Bloomington to rage and then hopped on a plane back to Italy. It would be legendary, I would get a minimum of 4 blow jobs that weekend. So I pulled a alumni list and shot out an email to old frat guys asking for 1000 bucks so I could go back and "support the bike team." What. A. Fucking. Joke. We actually raised like 300 bucks before some guy ripped us a new asshole, seeing right through out bullshit.

I quickly donated all of the money to IUDM and abandoned the idea. But Kickstarter is making half cocked shit like that happen all day. I might as well say "I just had a bad break up with my girlfriend, please help me get over her by donating 1000 dollars to my Kickstarter campaign so I can finally realize my dream of doing cocaine off of a prostitute!

Srsly guys that's a more noble cause than your high school drop out friend who wants to revolutionize the caramel apple packaging business. It's a fucking joke.

Perhaps I'm just not into that whole "entrepreneurial thing." I mean I guess it would be nice to be able to sleep until noon every day without fear of being fired but I think people should just give up on their bullshit yakked out ideas and go work for a paycheck.

Or...you do it the RIGHT way and build a solid business plan and reach out to investors, banks, loans, establish strategic partnerships and work YOUR ASS off to make your dream a reality. But don't fucking lean on your friends and family's politeness to finance an idea you had while taking a shit. Look I want to sell scripts. I may ask you to read one from time to time. You are welcome to read it or tell me to fuck off, you can tell me it's good or that it's bad, and I will appreciate that a lot and some day you will be partially responsible for my success.

But you will never get an email from me saying "Hey, writing quality work when you have a full time job is really fucking hard, donate to my Kickstarter campaign so I can quit driving scripts around LA all day and sit around and actually write without worrying about how I'm going to pay the rent."

It's not supposed to be fucking easy, if it was everyone would do it. That said, if you do enjoy my blog and ever see me out and about, feel free to get me an IPA on draft and we'll call it even.


No comments:

Post a Comment