Well let's just dive right fucking into it. If you have been living under a rock for the past 2 weeks, there is a new Facebook app called Tinder. It pulls your picture and interests from Facebook and operates more or less like Hot or Not. It acts as a speed-online dating platform operating on near 100% superficiality, but you already knew all that because you are taking a shit right now scrolling through which girls you deem fuckable or not.
Now that we have that out of the way (if my 2 sentence explanation wasn't enough ask a friend, download it or read one of the other thousand articles written on the topic) let's move on. I haven't delved into the whole online dating thing at all which maybe I should seeing that I've been hung up on the same chick for like forever, but alas I think online dating is for the pathetic. If you can't go to a bar and charm a drunk girl into bed, you don't deserve to be having sex. But this Tinder thing blew up so quick to such universal generation Y fanfare, that I had to give it a spin.
I signed up and immediately saw that my profile picture wasn't going to cut it, I had some photo of a post blackout Mardi Gras picture with 7 dudes. That's not going to get it done, I know from personal experience that's an automatic x. So I spent 45 minutes looking through the depths of my Facebook photos and found 1 picture taken 3 years ago that makes me look somewhat cool and good looking. This is the first pitfall of tinder, I could have easily put on 50 pounds since then...remember this, this will be important later.
Ok, so now I have my picture, I'm ready to start Tindering. I believe the app makes some sort of effort to connect people with similar interests because on the bottom you will be told of your mutual friends and mutual interests. The problem is that my Facebook page isn't really a good reflection of who I am. I think all my Facebook says about me is that I like Boo the dog, musicals, The OC, Gossip Girl and has a quote from Wicked. It might as well say I love sucking dick. In fact, maybe I should just put that on there, and Tinder will match me up with some chicks that actually do. It's funny because our Facebook profiles aren't really a reflection of who we are, it's a reflection of what we want to be perceived as. I remember when I was much more active on Facebook I always tried to make myself come across as the cool guy (I play lacrosse and sail! Please mistake me for someone who has a house on Martha's Vineyard!) I don't know when I shifted into a flaming homosexual, but at this point I'm too lazy to change it...but that's really inconsequential, that would be using the assumption that people are using this tool to match up interests, in search of their soul mate.
They aren't. They are looking for someone attractive that is down to fuck...like right now (hence the mileage, I don't even fuck around with the 20 miles+ away)
So you start scanning the chicks, at first you are a very harsh critic. I would say the first 10 minutes or so I have a 10% acceptance rate. 8's and up only. But then after a while you get bored and anyone skinny gets the thumbs up. And then as I get more and more drunk (yes Tinder is the new lonely thing to do at a bar, its akin to checking Twitter and Instagram like 6 months ago) I just go on massive streaks of YES, until what do you know!!!?!?!?! A fucking match.
Her name is Diana and she lives in Brentwood...she's 18. Well now what the fuck do you do? I'm 26 and this girl is likely a Freshman at UCLA. Are you supposed to assume that any girl on Tinder that would say yes to a 26 year old has a fake ID. What kind of date are you supposed to take her on? I know in the movies they do coffee...but no fucking way. I'm too nervous on a first date, I need to booze hard. Do you tell her you will get her and her friends booze and throw a party at her parents house? Do you take her to a Runyon Canyon look out spot and get a handjob while looking at the stars? Is she about to ask you to her Kappa Alpha Theta Freshman Crush Dance? This is feeling very predator-ish.
I'm getting ahead of myself, I haven't even said hello yet. See, that's the thing. Saying yes to a match doesn't magically transport you to a Chattsworth Motel 6 full of her pleasure condoms. It just opens a magical line of communication with the other person, similar to double clicking their name in your AIM buddy list. So what the fuck do you say?
Me: I notice we both clicked yes on each other's picture meaning that we both agree there is at least a slight sexual attraction betwixt us. I can pick up some wine if you want to come over and watch a movie?
Ya fucking right...it's more like this.
Me: Sup?
Her: nm, looking at prom dresses...
I forgot...An 18 year old during the spring second semester means high school abort abort, pull the rip cord NOW!
But even if it's a 25 year old who I have friends in common with it's just destined to be a disaster. I guess you can lead with the, "Hey we have X friend in common!" "And YA I love Boo the dog too? Did you see his outfit today?" "We should hang out some time"
It's just a matter of time before I get hammered and start sending college blackout text messages like..."Where are you" "Come over" or the worst... "Wake up"
I don't know if that last one ever worked, I hope for the sake of that girl's father that no one ever woke up where they were, walked over to shingles with the intention of hooking up with me, only to find me passed out with half a Jimmy John's in hand.
I guess if you aren't a degenerate it could be a way to set up dates with someone that you are loosely connected with, but I see things from a more cynical point of view and think it's more likely I would ask for her snapchat name and then demand to see pictures of her tits. You know, cuz I'm like a really good guy.
This is just my opinion, I haven't heard a ton of reviews from friends, but I know one of my buddies set up one of the aforementioned scenarios and BOOM the chick that showed up was a whale. The photo was 5 years old, and he was fucking stuck. You can't just send her home at that point, what if she works at an agency or something and trashes your reputation. This is why I would suggest a little due diligence, check out all 5 pictures. An ugly person can fake it for 1 photo, much tougher to fake it for 5.
Conversely, I also have a friend who got a total clean score from Tinder. He basically used it like the gays use Grindr when he was visiting an unfamiliar city. Let's just say he saved on hotel accommodations that night. HEyooooo. And that's really what it is, it's a one night stand generator. Maybe you can use it to get phone numbers, set up a fun night out with good company of the opposite sex, but I think the prevailing theory is that if you say yes to someone you're saying "I wouldn't mind getting a bj from this person" (I saw that on Twitter somewhere, I can't take credit for that genius)
I suppose it's good for a laugh the way Chat Roulette was back in the day, I seriously doubt you will find your future spouse on Tinder but it can be flattering (or depressing) to find how many people "match" you...and what the hell maybe some night you'll be bored at home cruising Tinder and a beautiful 19 year old Persian will say yes...and then what do you know SHE initiates the conversation, and SHE happens to be at her parent's beach house in Malibu and is having a few friends over...do you want to come?
Ok so it's a fucking long shot...but it's better than playing Doodle Jump...and besides, is a dry handjob at Lookout Mountain really the worst thing in the world?
No comments:
Post a Comment