Sometimes when I'm browsing the internet something will hit me over the head to remind me of this, let's do a breakdown of Post Grad Problems 20 reasons you suck at being an adult.
1. Maybe you have a 401k. Maybe it’s an IRA. Either way, you don’t know how it works, you’ve never checked it, and you don’t care.
I'll do you one better, I've never withheld a penny from one of my paychecks and I always take out the maximum number of exemptions on my taxes. The reason I do that is because that $50 that I would put in my IRA might provide me with financial stability some day down the road...or it could get me a gram of Molly this weekend. Easy decision.
2. “Buying groceries” consists of loading up on perishable foods that you’ll fail to eat on time, but they’ll remain rotting in your fridge for weeks.
Buying groceries? Do they sell those as Taco Bell? Buying groceries is code name for me rewarding myself with a steak after a grueling week of working one or two days. Although it is nice to load up on my beer and fireball from the grocery store, it's a nice masking tool for those of us who still have our parents ties to the old Chase account.
3. You don’t know how to make a doctor’s appointment.
Ha! Doctor's appointments require health insurance! Besides everyone has a friend in dental school or something that can write them prescriptions and "doctor's appointments" are for giving yourself a legit 2 hour delay for work on Friday when you know in advance it's going to be a big Thursday night.
4. You still casually drop curse words into everyday conversation, and it’s inappropriate.
Fuck that, if I lived in a world where I couldn't routinely drop the word cunt I would be lost.
5. You joke with everyone that you’re a “functioning alcoholic,” but it’s not funny and you’re “functioning” at an unacceptably low level.
I tend to be an unapologetic degenerate, I used to lie to my adult co-workers when they would ask me about my weekend, but it's much more entertaining to give a brutally honest account of the events and watch the color drain from their face.
6. Your parents still pay your car insurance, and cell phone bill.
Well obviously. This iPhone 5 with unlimited data isn't going to pay for itself. And also my parking tickets.
7. People around you are getting married and reproducing, but you’re single and can’t keep a goldfish alive for more than 48-hours.
Oh good for you! Enjoy that loose vagina and stretch marks homie, I'll be meeting desperate 19 year olds for tinder blowjobs while you tell your inflating wife that she looks beautiful. True story I bought a beta fish in college, it died within a week. I got a cactus in Chicago, a fucking cactus and I couldn't keep that alive either.
8. You know nothing about cars. The mechanic could tell you that brake pads cost $5,000 and you wouldn’t argue.
Oh this is another thing that gets invoiced to the patriarch, but I'm the kind of guy that will just go ahead and just live with a rattle, my car would have to literally explode before I would willingly take it in to get looked at. Furthermore I still have Indiana plates and haven't done the CA emissions test yet, because fuck the environment.
9. You’re terrible at making yourself presentable, whether it’s buying clothes that fit well or getting a haircut that doesn’t make you look like Lloyd Christmas.
My wardrobe consists of my polos from college, whatever I get for Christmas every year, and whatever shirts I steal from the Chive when I am blacked out. I also still wear Kilroy's and Phi Psi t shirts all the fucking time just to make sure people know I was a frat guy who spent a lot of time at the hot Greek bar.
10. You’re too lazy to vote.
I've grown increasingly apathetic as I've grown older. I used to care SO much about the ideals of conservatism, now I just put up the facade so people mistake me for a waspy blue blood. I have a dad from Iowa and a mom from Pittsburgh. The whole old money thing is a fraud, Moeller is German for Miller. My ancestors were blue collar wind mill operators. Yay.
11. Something as simple as a speeding ticket absolutely destroys your budget, and sends you into a self-destructive spending spiral.
At this point in my life if I get pulled over the consequences would probably be disastrous. There's certainly some sort of warrant out for my arrest, I have an unregistered car, probably 3000 in unpaid parking tickets, and yet I still drive tipsy from time to time...Whatever, I'll trust in fate and hope.
12. You stay up until 2:00am every night, and complain about being tired every morning.
Of course. Because when you go to sleep the next thing that happens if you have to wake up and go to work. That sucks. But I can derive the smallest amount of entertainment from one more episode of The Sopranos, I'll pop an adderall in the morning and just deal.
13. When people ask, “What do you do?” you craft your answer to be as vague and confusing as possible to avoid further conversation on the subject.
God this one is so true. When I lived in Chicago I couldn't fucking understand why people would ask this question. WORK FUCKING BLOWS WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. As I've grown older I realize it's probably because before a girl fucks you she wants to make sure you don't work at the post office. Now that I work in a cool industry I make it sound like my job is WAAAAY better than it is. "Oh I work on a tv show for Fox." Oh what do you do? "I'm in production." Never say PA. No one knows what "I'm in production means." But then you talk about how the actors are SUCH A PAIN to deal with and you sound important. Then start talking about somewhere you have traveled recently. Everyone loves to talk about travel. Congrats, you can probably bang this chick at least 3 times before she finds out you're a glorified barista!
14. 75% percent of your workday is spent mindlessly surfing the internet and purposely testing the company’s web filters to see which sites aren’t blocked.
I've just kind of come to terms with the fact that I have a horrible work ethic. I really like to write, but outside of that I am pretty fucking worthless. I would prefer to spend every second at work straight up zoning out and working 4 hour days. Every time I'm against the ropes I'm like "I would literally do anything to make my dreams come true." But I wouldn't. I would like for my dreams to come true, but outside of writing my self-indulgent screenplays and this blog, I don't really actively strive for greatness.
15. Your dad still does your taxes.
I did my taxes this year. I said I gave several thousand dollars to charity because I think the government expects normal Americans to tithe. I did not tithe. But I probably have a 1% chance of getting audited. Living on the edge!
16. Instead of doing the dishes or cleaning your apartment, you call a maid service once a month.
Well someone has to employ the illegals in Southern California. If the government would wise up and build that big ass fence, this wouldn't be an issue! I'm kidding, I don't care about illegal immigration, it probably keeps the price of drugs lower.
17. You haven’t hit the gym since freshman year of college.
I still go to the gym for several reasons. 1.) I take pleasure in knowing that I could beat most people up. 2.) I like checking in on foursquare and letting people know I'm at the gym and reminding them that they are fat 3.) When I look physically fit my dad tends to let all of my other flaws go, ignoring my thousand dollar charge at The Body Shop in West Hollywood. (It's not a mechanic)
18. “Going out for a drink” means blacking out, passing out on your couch, possibly pissing yourself, and calling in sick for work.
My friends and I have probably used every collective excuse in the book for calling in sick or coming in late for work after going on a bender. One of my buddies started killing off members of his family, that's extreme. I tend to use the classic, "my car got broken into or my apartment flooded" these can be reused and make people feel bad for you, but not to the point where they will follow up.
19. If you’re at a concert and somebody offers you drugs, you still haven’t learned to just say no.
Or in the bathroom at a bar.
20. Your Google search history includes both “Kardashian porn” and “naked Harlem Shake"
"When does Chloe Moretz turn 18"
I think the main takeaway here is that maybe we're growing older and my sophomoric outlook on life is starting to look a bit immature. I may not be great at being an adult, but I still love my family, I pick up my friends from the airport and I read non-fiction books from time to time so I think I'm doing all right. I'm not going to win any citizenship awards any time soon, but I just might have enough villain in me to have a happy ending because nice guys finish last.
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