Monday afternoon I was ready to swear off alcohol. But not only alcohol, I was ready to quit uppers downers, lefters, righters, red meat...fuck it I would have vowed to go gluten-free if it would have meant I would have felt even 2% better.
It's amazing what a couple days will do.
Now I'm ready to slay dragons. I could drink more than I drank last weekend. I mean fuck it, there is perfect weather here in LA and I have a bed that I can sleep in until noon. Is it possible that I would feel differently had I worked 60 hours this week instead of laying around in my boxers watching 3 seasons of the Sopranos? Oh you call that lazy? Fuck you, I'm a writer...that's research!
But I did vow off drinking this weekend...what to do...
5. Break the vow!
You made that promise to yourself under duress! You probably felt like shit, and just like a contract isn't honored if you enter into it while intoxicated or with a gun to your head nor so shall a drinking contract be honored when it is inked amidst a severe hangover. You feel fine now, fun things are happening, don't feel like you need to stay in to prove to yourself that you are capable of non-degenerate decisions. I trust you. And that juice cleanse you're doing? It's stupid. They just load that stuff with ingredients to make you shit. And you starve yourself. Want to starve yourself and take lots of shits? Coffee, cocaine and cigarettes. Do that for like a day and you'll lose 5 pounds. Boom!
4. You cannot avoid Monday
It's coming. Nothing you can do will stop the inevitability of time. Even if you spent all weekend trying to track down uranium and a Delorean, you wouldn't have time to perfect your machine by Monday. That said, you can make it seem like Monday stays away longer, fucking enjoy every moment of your finite weekend. Stay up until 5 in the morning...BOTH DAYS. Build some fucking memories. Monday is going to suck regardless, at least if you can zone out at points of the day and reflect on how badass your weekend was, it should move a bit quicker.
3. You have a limited amount of weekends left before...
THE EVIL JAWS OF RESPONSIBILITY CRUSH ANY AND ALL HAPPINESS YOU EVER FELT. You see it every day! Someone's fucking engaged, whoop di doo. Someone's having an ugly fucking baby. Isn't that nice? But while you are snarking away at how they are clogging your Facebook feed with feel good bullshit and taking away from the bikini pics you so crave. SOMEDAY ITS GONNA BE YOU! That's right. Not next week, not next month, but what if 2 years from now, you are the one getting engaged. 28? Sounds about right. Your life is over. No more casual drug use with the boys. No more one night stands with UCLA students. That shit is over. And if you work backwards from that point. This coming weekend represents roughly 1% of your remaining weekends as a free man/woman. SO the question is, do you want to waste that 1% on a "Mental health weekend?"
2. You will miss out
It might not be the best weekend ever. But at least one thing will happen. Tonight might be the night that your buddy Mikey gets so drunk he shits his pants. If you stay in watching reruns of Tosh you will not be able to give him a lifetime of shit for it, because YOU WEREN'T THERE. Tonight might be the night that hot chick Sarah from next door trips over the couch and her massive tits pop out of her poorly constructed top. LIFETIME OF SHOWERBATE HIGHLIGHT REEL. Missed. Or of course there is the classic maybe your soul mate is at the corner bar and had you gone tonight you would've gotten her number and 2 years from now lived happily ever after. You'll never know because you decided to stay in and "catch up on work" aka see how many times you can masturbate sans lube before your dick hurts.
1. Pain and Gain will still be playing in theatres Monday
All kidding aside, it's the beginning of Spring. It's fucking beautiful outside. It looks wonderful, it smells vibrant, your friends are cool that's why you chose to make them your friends because they are enjoyable to be around. Sure there are positives to take away from alone time, if you don't enjoy kicking it with yourself, no one else ever will. But that's not what Friday nights are for. Remember the agony of waiting for the phone to ring in middle school/high school? You don't have to deal with that petty shit anymore, you can grab life by the balls and go make a memory. So fire up a few beers, go out to a moderately priced meal and have the greatest fucking weekend ever. You fucking deserve it. Life is amazing but it's short, it would be a shame to waste even a single moment.
Now get the fuck out there and have a good time.
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